Author's Note: This would have been another chapter in Intelligent Conversation, but I just couldn't imagine this specific one between Genesis and Cloud. And yes, I know I'm stupid and had WAY too much fun writing this.

Edited 9/11/11

Warnings: Um, excessive use of bathroom humor?

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII, and the title comes from the song 'The Umbrella of Glass' by Versailles, which I was listening to over and over while writing this. Totally not mood music, people.

The Umbrella of Gas

Dedicated to Kerttu, for encouraging me to continue on this very strange path I wander... Because the wandering soul knows no rest, you know.

Reno lifted an arm to wave at his partner's retreating back. As usual, Rude made no move to respond and kept on walking. The elevator doors slid open and he stepped in, closely followed by Zack. The SOLIDER's eyebrows were drawn together as if he were deep in concentration, a slight frown tugging at his lips. Reno muttered a quick prayer.

"What's wrong wit'cha face, yo?" he asked once the doors slid shut.

"Does Rude ever smile?"

"Huh?"

"You know, smile?" Zack put on one of his trademark grins for emphasis. "He just seems so serious all the time."

Shrugging, Reno leaned back against the wall. "Well, 'e is pretty serious, yo... I haven't paid that much attention, I guess."

"He's really quiet, too."

"An' that's why he's my partner, yo. I do th' talkin,' he does... the other stuff."

Zack scoffed. "All I've seen him do is frown and push those glasses up his nose."

The Turk glared at the 2nd. Even when they were friends, SOLDIERs couldn't respect Turks. That made Reno rather upset. And when Reno becomes rather upset, he has a tendency to not think before he speaks.

"Trust me, yo, you don't wanna mess wit' dat guy. He's silent but deadly, man. Like a fart."

For a moment, Zack just stared and blinked, giving Reno all the time he needed to realize what he'd just said. Before he could open his mouth to make some feeble attempt at correcting the heinous error, the Puppy was on the floor, howling with laughter.

"Silent but deadly!" he exclaimed, clutching his stomach. "Gaia, that's priceless! A fart!"

Reno clenched his jaw. "That's not what I meant! Stop laughing!"

"I think I know what that 'other stuff' is now!" And Zack sent himself into hysterics all over again. "You distract them while he lets one rip! It's like having a living stink-bomb!"

The only thing keeping the redhead from joining Zack on the floor was the fact that this was Rude they were talking about. Rude: the man who had, single-handedly, proved all of Reno's jokes not to be funny and made pink bunny ears look intimidating.

However, those pink bunny ears sparked a forgotten thought in his memory...

"You know who else is silent but deadly?"

"Hee-hee, no. Who?"

"Sephiroth."

Zack's electric blue eyes widened in a rather comical manner. "Holy crap! You're RIGHT!"

"It's Sephiroth!" Reno said in his best announcer's voice. "The Farting-Demon of Wutai!"

"Dude! What about that Turk commander of yours?"

The mere thought of Tseng farting nearly brought tears to his eyes. "He, heehee, probably has some sorta gas chamber where he gets all of it outa' his system before he comes in'ta work, yo!"

"Oh my freaking Goddess! Could you imagine Genesis farting?"

And Reno was down for the count. "Pshhht, yeah," he snorted, "but his ain't silent, yo. Loud and proud, Zack. Loud and proud."

"D-Do you think that's his 'gift of the Goddess?'"

"Oh, my beautiful Goddess!" Reno yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "I fart in your general direction! It is my thanks for giving me gas-releasing relief!"

Zack threw his head back, accidentally banging it on the metal floor. "Oh gods, Reno, you do that really well," he hooted.

"Hey, I'll bet that's why he's on fire all the time! EXPLOSIVE FARTS!"

"HAH! All he needs is a low-level Fire spell and KA-BOOM!"

However hilarious the situation, it was unfortunate that the two didn't happen to notice that the elevator had long since stopped and the doors had slid open. It was also unfortunate that they had failed to notice who stood in the hallway, arms crossed and expression growing progressively stormier.

"It's a good thing Mako makes us SOLDIERs virtually flame retardant, yes?"

Reno's laughter immediately stopped and all the blood drained from his face in fear of the man glaring down at him. Swallowing, the Turk shakily moved to poke Zack, who was still blissfully ignorant of their impending doom.

"Teehee, your impression is getting better," the 2nd giggled. He sobered up a little when he met Reno's eyes. "What?"

However, the Turk didn't have to say anything as Zack quickly took notice of Genesis Rhapsodos still standing in the doorway. The two slowly scooted back into a corner as the commander stepped into the small space and let the doors slide shut behind him. A gloved finger tauntingly pressed the button for the first floor.

That was forty-nine floors down.

Shiva help us, was Reno's only coherent thought. The rest of them were screaming unintelligible bloody murder. It was one thing to make fun of the temperamental redhead in crowded rooms or open hallways where he could easily outrun him or hide. Being trapped in a little metal box, though, was entirely different.

Something in the way Genesis' eyes glinted like a blood-thirsty animal told Reno the commander was quite aware of this as well.

"I'm going to enjoy this," he smirked, summoning Firaga to his fist.

Reno didn't laugh.

Zack whimpered a little.

And Genesis threw his head back and cackled like the maniac he was rumored to be.

"I don't know what you two did," Cloud sighed as he wiped the goo onto Zack's arm, "but Genesis has been in a freakishly good mood this afternoon."

Reno and Zack shared a look. "How do you know we had anything to do with it?" Zack questioned.

"Seriously? Anyone who walks around more burnt than Sephiroth's toast has obviously ran into him."

Cloud finished slathering aloe onto Zack's raw skin, then moved onto Reno. The Turk flinched when the plant juice touched his neck.

"He's really in a good mood, yo?"

The moment he'd stepped into the commander's office to find him dancing around to old show tunes, the cadet knew something was up. Genesis wouldn't say anything other than how gorgeous of a day it was and if he'd like to drop by for dinner later, which had raised Cloud's suspicions considerably. Finding Zack and Reno looking like Bahamut-attack victims confirmed what had happened.

"He was practically smiling sun rays, yo."

Reno rolled his eyes at Cloud's jest, then glanced at Zack again. "Hey, d'ya think it was worth it?"

At first, neither of them spoke. The blonde looked back and forth between them until Zack finally cracked a grin.

"Oh yeah," he nodded. "It was totally worth it."

In unison, the two of them stuck their tongues out and blew raspberry at each other, then bust out laughing.

Cloud decided he'd rather not know.

A/N: I'm not even sure what to say... other than I'm sorry I had to give you all that horrific mental imagery. Although, I was long overdue for making fun of Genesis. Picking on Loveless is so last week.

Love you all and leave a review if you think I've completely lost it.

RegenesisX