Opposite Attractions
~
"Are you coming, Wisdom?"
Light, I hated that ever-so-cool voice, that half-raised eyebrow. The Aes Sedai was so confident in her power and her plans, I thought, but if we don't find Egwene and the boys, all of them, alive and unharmed, not all of her power would protect her. Not all of her power. I can use it too, woman! You told me yourself. I can use it against you!
Or so I told myself. My hatred of the woman was crumbling. I told myself I despised her for belittling me by calling me 'child'! Child! What could see be...only a couple of years older than my self? But then I found out she was an Aes Sedai. She could be triple my years and I would never know. A slow, worm of logic unravelled my thinking. She might have good reason for calling me child.
I did not like that. I did not like thinking that...I was wrong.
And then I found other things to dislike about her. Her dresses, for one thing. Finer than any Sunday gown I had ever seen. And she wore them for i! And her hair. Not braided. What sort of respectable woman went about with unbraided hair? And the way she influenced Egwene...wearing her hair down? I remember the time she had to be hit with the back of my cane because she braided her hair before the Woman's Counsel gave her leave to...pah!
And then i dislikes unravelled. I don't know how it happened.
We where riding alone, I think, Lan had gone ahead to scout after we lost Egwene and the boys. Those perfectly cool, collected eyes stared distantly ahead and I was eyeing her scornfully, trying to find something to add to my dislikes. Then I noticed, with some embarrassment and amused satisfaction, that her skirts had ridden up and I could see her stockings, right to her knees. I opened my mouth, planning to make some jibe or another, and closed it abruptly. I noticed – I actually i - the shape of her legs. I wondered what they'd be like bare.
I shook myself, disgusted.
And kept noticing. Her dress was snug fitting, a little tight about the breast, and it clung to her midriff. I stared sideward at the curve of her breasts, coloured and looked away.
I was happy to see Lan returning.
I tried to admire him. I honestly did. I tried to simper over his broad shoulders, his muscled arms...and my gaze kept drifting back to i. I couldn't help thinking that slim, petite shoulders and delicate hands would be so much better than a broad one and callused fingers...or what her fingers would be like –
Again, I rebuked myself. I took to riding grimly, staring straight ahead, ignoring her. I suppose she thought it was out of dislike and spite that I did...sometimes, at night, I thought I could see a glimmer of amusement in her eyes.
I suppose she was used to being hated...for her power, for her beauty, not only by Whitecloaks, but by ordinary common folk who really had no reason...
And now I was justifying her in my mind.
In the few short days we were alone together, with only stoic Lan for company, I grew past my infatuation to genuine attraction. Genuine fondness, though I kept my mask of spite up.
I found out that she did not, in fact, have ice for blood. I continually found it difficult to sleep, picturing Egwene being cut to ribbons by Fades, and was lying awake one such night, wrapped in my cloak, listening to my breathing, when I heard a soft sigh coming from what looked like a pile of dark blankets, though I knew it for Moiraine.
Then I listened to her breathing. And her soft sighs. And her moans in her sleep. I couldn't make out what she said, only a name. "Oh, Siuan..." She would mutter.
Who was Siuan? I felt a flash of jealously, in spite of myself. It was in that moment that I realised I couldn't keep lying to myself that I hated her. I could still lie to her, but not to myself.
Siuan was a woman's name.
That rattled me. I found it hard to picture Moiraine with anyone, let alone a i...
The fact that she obviously had a lover somewhere, that all Aes Sedai where not bound to loneliness, that she had loved and been loved, endeared me to her greatly. I found it less difficult to deny my feelings...I actually began to enjoy looking at her, not repulsed by myself.
I had not, I was relieved to note, fallen in love with a block of ice.
It wasn't long before we found Egwene and Perrin that it happened. We where staying in some inn or another in some town whose name I cannot remember. Moiraine and I had to share a room, though thankfully not a bed.
I dreamt about her that night. And woke up, sweat soaked and gasping. With Moiraine standing over me, staring at me.
"What?" I demanded grimly, gathering myself. "I just had a bad dream, that's all..."
"You called out my name," She answered in a slightly wondering tone. She was looking at me speculatively, as if she had never seen me before. "Why?"
I stared at her, acutely aware of my stomach doing flip flops. I wetted my lips, which had suddenly become very dry. "I...don't...know..."
"You're lying, Wisdom" Was her reply, one eyebrow raised thoughtfully. I had once hated that eyebrow. Now I found arousing. "Tell me,"
I stared grimly at her. I would not tell her. That was i humiliating.
"Are you attracted to me?"
Slowly, reluctantly, I nodded. Yet I kept my mouth firmly clamped shut.
"Do you think it is disgusting to be attracted to one of your own gender?" Moiraine half-whispered, though with an undercurrent of anger I had heard only once before, when I had questioned her intentions for Egwene.
"It's unnatural," I finally croaked. Cringing with embarrassment, I found myself close to tears. I blinked. I would not cry.
"Natural? It is as natural as birds in flight. It has not yet been explained, that is all. It doesn't have its niche in creation yet," She smiled at me.
I stared at her. "Who is Siuan?"
She blinked, as though surprised. "How do you know of Siuan?"
"I'm not the only one to talk in my sleep,"
To my utmost surprise, she flushed red. "Siuan is...the Amyrlin Seat,"
"Your lover is the iAmyrlin Seati?" I found this even harder to believe.
"I never said she was my lover,"
"It was obvious the way you said it, Moiraine," I replied and had the satisfaction of making her blush further.
Then she straightened. "It hardly matters; anyway, we decided to...part ways a time ago,"
"Why?"
Moiraine shrugged grimly. "A mixture of things, really, I was never in the Tower. She said she couldn't always wait on me. She needed someone with her. And the Tower thought she showed me too much favour," She turned her head slightly to conceal – to my shock – tears. "I love her," She whispered this and I was struck by its poignancy.
Here we where – a village wisdom and an Aes Sedai, one in love with the other, bemoaning lost love. I touched her arm. "I'm sorry," I said simply.
She smiled in the darkness.
For a moment, I was unsure. It was either now or never. Hesitantly, I climbed to my knees so my face was level with hers. I thanked the light she was so short. She merely watched me, licking her lips in anticipation.
I leaned in and kissed her.
I pressed my lips to her own, willing her to make the next move. Her mouth opened and the kiss deepened. Slowly, I felt her arms entwine around me. Her fingers stroked my bare arms as she pressed me backwards onto the bed.
She kissed my neck and murmured into my ear: "You have never been with a woman before?"
"No," Colour stained my cheeks.
"There's no need for embarrassment," Moiraine whispered. How she knew my face was flushed in the darkness was beyond me.
Slowly, her hand brushed down my stomach and down my thigh. My breath caught as her hand began to tug at the hem of my shift, gradually drawing it over my head. Here, lying naked below her, I wondered if I could please her. She began to kiss my neck, quickly and with intensity. Her hands clenched at my shoulders and I tugged her shift over her head. She was pale- skinned and the moonlight from the window streaked across her bare back.
Her legs were smooth and my hands became entangled in her hair. Trembling, I leaned up to kiss her breast. She moaned and her hands tightened on my shoulders.
I will always remember the smell of her and tenderness she had in the way she did what she did. How, I wondered, with her hands working at my crotch as she kissed my stomach, had I ever called her a block of ice?
She was not as vocal as I was. When she came, all she did was gasp and dig her fingernails into my back, drawing them down my back in a long, burning trail.
I think I cried out repeatedly, which made her smile and chuckle low in her throat.
And then, exhausted, we lay quiet together, legs entangled under a blanket Moiraine barely had the strength to pull around us. I remember giggling wildly as we fought for space under it. Eventually, my head lay pillowed on her breast, with anything below our knees bare.
I woke hazily the next morning, the night before foggy. Stupefied, was I, to find her lying beside me, an amused half-smile gracing her face as she leaned up to kiss the side of my mouth.
With agreed to make it a one-time occurrence, something that should not have happened, but did, and as enjoyable as it was, should not happen again or distract us from our purpose.
And then she came across me bathing.
It was in a small lake – hardly a lake at all, in fact, a small pond and she was leading her mare, intending to let the animal drink from it.
"You shouldn't bathe where the animals drink," She told me vaguely, keeping her eyes scrupulously evaded from my dress, which was hiked up to my knees and my bosom which was exposed more than was decent.
I flushed, pushing back damp hair from my eyes. "You shouldn't let the animals drink from what is clearly a bathing pool," I responded, trying to draw spite, but failing.
She glanced at me and smiled fondly. "Lan has fallen in love with you,"
My head jerked upwards and I stared at her. "What?"
"Lan. He loves you. It's obvious," Moiraine petted her mare's neck.
"I..." I was about to accuse her of lying, but bit my lip instead.
"Don't you love – even like – him?"
"I'd rather have you," I didn't know why I said that. But I saw her hand falter with her stroking. It was the truth, though.
Slowly she turned and walked towards me, crouching beside me. She tilted my head up so she could peer into my eyes. "Really?" She breathed over my lips.
I had barely nodded before she had me pressed to the grass. She quickly divested me of the remains of my dress.
Lan knew, of course. It's unusual for two women to disappear into the forest for hours on end and men folk not to come looking for them. Moiraine described, actually murmured into my hair as she washed my back, to me a 'red-hot' glow off the bond between her and Lan when one of them made love. She had tried to block the bond, but her concentration kept...slipping.
We made love again in the water. It was an interesting sensation and actually slept wrapped up in each others cloaks that night.
We had to stop being so blatant in affection towards each other when we found Egwene and Perrin. I doubt they would have noticed, anyway. Perrin was so wrapped up in his own problems, whatever they where, and Egwene was still chewing her lip over Rand.
It was in Fal Dara that I lost her. Siuan Sanche had come to the Keep. She had assured me the night before that she and Siuan where just friends now.
Ha.
People don't usually come from an audience with the Amyrlin Seat with ruffled hair and a bite mark on their thigh.
Perhaps Lan wasn't so bad.
~
The End
~
"Are you coming, Wisdom?"
Light, I hated that ever-so-cool voice, that half-raised eyebrow. The Aes Sedai was so confident in her power and her plans, I thought, but if we don't find Egwene and the boys, all of them, alive and unharmed, not all of her power would protect her. Not all of her power. I can use it too, woman! You told me yourself. I can use it against you!
Or so I told myself. My hatred of the woman was crumbling. I told myself I despised her for belittling me by calling me 'child'! Child! What could see be...only a couple of years older than my self? But then I found out she was an Aes Sedai. She could be triple my years and I would never know. A slow, worm of logic unravelled my thinking. She might have good reason for calling me child.
I did not like that. I did not like thinking that...I was wrong.
And then I found other things to dislike about her. Her dresses, for one thing. Finer than any Sunday gown I had ever seen. And she wore them for i! And her hair. Not braided. What sort of respectable woman went about with unbraided hair? And the way she influenced Egwene...wearing her hair down? I remember the time she had to be hit with the back of my cane because she braided her hair before the Woman's Counsel gave her leave to...pah!
And then i dislikes unravelled. I don't know how it happened.
We where riding alone, I think, Lan had gone ahead to scout after we lost Egwene and the boys. Those perfectly cool, collected eyes stared distantly ahead and I was eyeing her scornfully, trying to find something to add to my dislikes. Then I noticed, with some embarrassment and amused satisfaction, that her skirts had ridden up and I could see her stockings, right to her knees. I opened my mouth, planning to make some jibe or another, and closed it abruptly. I noticed – I actually i - the shape of her legs. I wondered what they'd be like bare.
I shook myself, disgusted.
And kept noticing. Her dress was snug fitting, a little tight about the breast, and it clung to her midriff. I stared sideward at the curve of her breasts, coloured and looked away.
I was happy to see Lan returning.
I tried to admire him. I honestly did. I tried to simper over his broad shoulders, his muscled arms...and my gaze kept drifting back to i. I couldn't help thinking that slim, petite shoulders and delicate hands would be so much better than a broad one and callused fingers...or what her fingers would be like –
Again, I rebuked myself. I took to riding grimly, staring straight ahead, ignoring her. I suppose she thought it was out of dislike and spite that I did...sometimes, at night, I thought I could see a glimmer of amusement in her eyes.
I suppose she was used to being hated...for her power, for her beauty, not only by Whitecloaks, but by ordinary common folk who really had no reason...
And now I was justifying her in my mind.
In the few short days we were alone together, with only stoic Lan for company, I grew past my infatuation to genuine attraction. Genuine fondness, though I kept my mask of spite up.
I found out that she did not, in fact, have ice for blood. I continually found it difficult to sleep, picturing Egwene being cut to ribbons by Fades, and was lying awake one such night, wrapped in my cloak, listening to my breathing, when I heard a soft sigh coming from what looked like a pile of dark blankets, though I knew it for Moiraine.
Then I listened to her breathing. And her soft sighs. And her moans in her sleep. I couldn't make out what she said, only a name. "Oh, Siuan..." She would mutter.
Who was Siuan? I felt a flash of jealously, in spite of myself. It was in that moment that I realised I couldn't keep lying to myself that I hated her. I could still lie to her, but not to myself.
Siuan was a woman's name.
That rattled me. I found it hard to picture Moiraine with anyone, let alone a i...
The fact that she obviously had a lover somewhere, that all Aes Sedai where not bound to loneliness, that she had loved and been loved, endeared me to her greatly. I found it less difficult to deny my feelings...I actually began to enjoy looking at her, not repulsed by myself.
I had not, I was relieved to note, fallen in love with a block of ice.
It wasn't long before we found Egwene and Perrin that it happened. We where staying in some inn or another in some town whose name I cannot remember. Moiraine and I had to share a room, though thankfully not a bed.
I dreamt about her that night. And woke up, sweat soaked and gasping. With Moiraine standing over me, staring at me.
"What?" I demanded grimly, gathering myself. "I just had a bad dream, that's all..."
"You called out my name," She answered in a slightly wondering tone. She was looking at me speculatively, as if she had never seen me before. "Why?"
I stared at her, acutely aware of my stomach doing flip flops. I wetted my lips, which had suddenly become very dry. "I...don't...know..."
"You're lying, Wisdom" Was her reply, one eyebrow raised thoughtfully. I had once hated that eyebrow. Now I found arousing. "Tell me,"
I stared grimly at her. I would not tell her. That was i humiliating.
"Are you attracted to me?"
Slowly, reluctantly, I nodded. Yet I kept my mouth firmly clamped shut.
"Do you think it is disgusting to be attracted to one of your own gender?" Moiraine half-whispered, though with an undercurrent of anger I had heard only once before, when I had questioned her intentions for Egwene.
"It's unnatural," I finally croaked. Cringing with embarrassment, I found myself close to tears. I blinked. I would not cry.
"Natural? It is as natural as birds in flight. It has not yet been explained, that is all. It doesn't have its niche in creation yet," She smiled at me.
I stared at her. "Who is Siuan?"
She blinked, as though surprised. "How do you know of Siuan?"
"I'm not the only one to talk in my sleep,"
To my utmost surprise, she flushed red. "Siuan is...the Amyrlin Seat,"
"Your lover is the iAmyrlin Seati?" I found this even harder to believe.
"I never said she was my lover,"
"It was obvious the way you said it, Moiraine," I replied and had the satisfaction of making her blush further.
Then she straightened. "It hardly matters; anyway, we decided to...part ways a time ago,"
"Why?"
Moiraine shrugged grimly. "A mixture of things, really, I was never in the Tower. She said she couldn't always wait on me. She needed someone with her. And the Tower thought she showed me too much favour," She turned her head slightly to conceal – to my shock – tears. "I love her," She whispered this and I was struck by its poignancy.
Here we where – a village wisdom and an Aes Sedai, one in love with the other, bemoaning lost love. I touched her arm. "I'm sorry," I said simply.
She smiled in the darkness.
For a moment, I was unsure. It was either now or never. Hesitantly, I climbed to my knees so my face was level with hers. I thanked the light she was so short. She merely watched me, licking her lips in anticipation.
I leaned in and kissed her.
I pressed my lips to her own, willing her to make the next move. Her mouth opened and the kiss deepened. Slowly, I felt her arms entwine around me. Her fingers stroked my bare arms as she pressed me backwards onto the bed.
She kissed my neck and murmured into my ear: "You have never been with a woman before?"
"No," Colour stained my cheeks.
"There's no need for embarrassment," Moiraine whispered. How she knew my face was flushed in the darkness was beyond me.
Slowly, her hand brushed down my stomach and down my thigh. My breath caught as her hand began to tug at the hem of my shift, gradually drawing it over my head. Here, lying naked below her, I wondered if I could please her. She began to kiss my neck, quickly and with intensity. Her hands clenched at my shoulders and I tugged her shift over her head. She was pale- skinned and the moonlight from the window streaked across her bare back.
Her legs were smooth and my hands became entangled in her hair. Trembling, I leaned up to kiss her breast. She moaned and her hands tightened on my shoulders.
I will always remember the smell of her and tenderness she had in the way she did what she did. How, I wondered, with her hands working at my crotch as she kissed my stomach, had I ever called her a block of ice?
She was not as vocal as I was. When she came, all she did was gasp and dig her fingernails into my back, drawing them down my back in a long, burning trail.
I think I cried out repeatedly, which made her smile and chuckle low in her throat.
And then, exhausted, we lay quiet together, legs entangled under a blanket Moiraine barely had the strength to pull around us. I remember giggling wildly as we fought for space under it. Eventually, my head lay pillowed on her breast, with anything below our knees bare.
I woke hazily the next morning, the night before foggy. Stupefied, was I, to find her lying beside me, an amused half-smile gracing her face as she leaned up to kiss the side of my mouth.
With agreed to make it a one-time occurrence, something that should not have happened, but did, and as enjoyable as it was, should not happen again or distract us from our purpose.
And then she came across me bathing.
It was in a small lake – hardly a lake at all, in fact, a small pond and she was leading her mare, intending to let the animal drink from it.
"You shouldn't bathe where the animals drink," She told me vaguely, keeping her eyes scrupulously evaded from my dress, which was hiked up to my knees and my bosom which was exposed more than was decent.
I flushed, pushing back damp hair from my eyes. "You shouldn't let the animals drink from what is clearly a bathing pool," I responded, trying to draw spite, but failing.
She glanced at me and smiled fondly. "Lan has fallen in love with you,"
My head jerked upwards and I stared at her. "What?"
"Lan. He loves you. It's obvious," Moiraine petted her mare's neck.
"I..." I was about to accuse her of lying, but bit my lip instead.
"Don't you love – even like – him?"
"I'd rather have you," I didn't know why I said that. But I saw her hand falter with her stroking. It was the truth, though.
Slowly she turned and walked towards me, crouching beside me. She tilted my head up so she could peer into my eyes. "Really?" She breathed over my lips.
I had barely nodded before she had me pressed to the grass. She quickly divested me of the remains of my dress.
Lan knew, of course. It's unusual for two women to disappear into the forest for hours on end and men folk not to come looking for them. Moiraine described, actually murmured into my hair as she washed my back, to me a 'red-hot' glow off the bond between her and Lan when one of them made love. She had tried to block the bond, but her concentration kept...slipping.
We made love again in the water. It was an interesting sensation and actually slept wrapped up in each others cloaks that night.
We had to stop being so blatant in affection towards each other when we found Egwene and Perrin. I doubt they would have noticed, anyway. Perrin was so wrapped up in his own problems, whatever they where, and Egwene was still chewing her lip over Rand.
It was in Fal Dara that I lost her. Siuan Sanche had come to the Keep. She had assured me the night before that she and Siuan where just friends now.
Ha.
People don't usually come from an audience with the Amyrlin Seat with ruffled hair and a bite mark on their thigh.
Perhaps Lan wasn't so bad.
~
The End