I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or its characters; those belong to E. L. James. However, my characters do belong to me.
Chapter 1 | I Want to Be Certain I Understand
GREY
I stand staring out of the ceiling to floor window in my office at Grey House. I have been alone and lonely, angry and miserable, misguided and confused for a long time. I shake my head. I thought my "closest friend" had my best interest at heart that was a big joke. And for all it is worth, the cow still will not leave me the fuck alone. Now, I have been shown love; simple, pure with no need for embellishment. I cannot remember life before my Ana. Those days have faded to black. I only ever wanted my Ana.
I sigh again, still staring out of the window, remembering the best decision I ever made, my heartfelt plea. I needed to pour my soul into my second proposal to Ana. It was not just a matter of a romantic gesture. I gave her my reasons, told her how I feel, told her my intentions and ask her to share what I have, "Anastasia Rose Steele, I love you. I want to love, cherish and protect you for the rest of my life. Be mine, always. Share my life with me. Marry me." I mean every fucking word.
She said she would never leave me. She asked me to never let her go. Now, she is feeling overwhelmed and smothered. She wants time to herself, away from me, so she can think things through. I do not understand what there is to think about, unless she feels she made a mistake by saying yes. We told our friends and families; hell, I even got Ray's permission. So what is there to think about? I begged her not to leave me, again. She knows my intentions are to protect her and make her happy. To see that fabulous smile, hear her sweet, innocent giggle and have her by my side, safe and sound, but she said she had to go...for now. What have I done wrong? I do not understand. Ahem, allow me to explain. You are over the top. You expect too much of the mere human population and when you finally concede you have made an error, then you over compensate. Pause. I have heard this all before and I knew it long before I met her. I also realize she is young and we have not known each other very long. So, unless you have an original point of view, keep your thoughts to yourself.
This has been the longest three months of my life, but I kept to my word. Ana asked that I not try to influence her thoughts and feelings in anyway, so I have not. Do not get me wrong, I make contact with her at least once per week whether it is by email, text or telephone, I still need my Ana. But I have forgone any gifts or grand gestures that she could misconstrue as my conspiring to win her affections. I know she could not give a fuck less about my money and I would be disappointed in her if she did.
"Hi beautiful." I cannot keep the smile off my face. I love knowing she is on the other end of the line.
"Hello Christian, how are you?" My smile slips.
"I am good, I could be better." Watch it Grey.
"Christian, please do not do this." See what I mean? I told you this telephone call was a bad idea.
"Do not do what? You asked me a question and I answered it. End of." Give me a break. I am not going to hide my feelings. If she does not want me anymore I might approach this situation differently, but she has not said that and I am not giving up that easily.
"I guess." She sounds bored with this conversation.
I will get to the point then, "Anastasia, I did not call to hassle you. I wanted to say 'hello' and let you know how much I love and miss you."
"I know Christian, I apologize. I just…" She stops abruptly. Have I caught her at a bad time?
"You just what baby?" I say with caution.
"I just need time to think." I sigh.
Here we go with this bullshit again, or shall I say still. Careful, I love her. "I understand. Please do not forget how much I love and miss you."
"I will never forget how much you love me. I feel the same way about you." Well that is something. I will leave it at that and count this as a win.
Next on the list, although, I already know the answer, "Anastasia, you do remember the gala is this Friday evening, right? Grace is looking forward to our being there. How would you like to do this." I do not want to cross the line on this one. "Should I pick you up after work? You can get ready at Escala then we leave together or would you rather we meet at the venue?" Please say we can arrive together...please. I have managed to keep my family and the press at bay. We have not been see out together since she left me and I have not been interested in answering any questions. I wrote checks to the organizations of the few functions we have missed. They do not care if I show my face or not, as long as my check clears the bank.
"Oh no Christian, I totally forgot! You are being recognized as well right? I apologize." For some reason, although I am not surprised, I am very disappointed that it slipped her mind. I thought she might miss me and want to use this time just to get reacquainted.
"That is right Ana, do not fret, Taylor and I can pick you up at the publishing house after work. You have gowns at the apartment, any of them can be delivered to you or you can set up an appointment with Carolyn Acton." Again, I want to give her as many options as I can. Hell, she can have whatever her heart desires.
"No Christian, I think it is best that I not go." What? Why? I can feel an icy cold vice closing around my heart. Is this it? Has she decided to break off our engagement? Is she leaving me for good this time?
"Anastasia, why don't you want to go?" I sound confused and heartbroken at the same time.
"Well, the paparazzi will be in full force and we both know what that means." Why does this sound like a lame ass excuse to avoid me? Put me out of my fucking misery already. I am getting annoyed with this shit.
"It means the same annoying photo lights and off the wall questions Anastasia. You know I do not have a problem handling the press. Just stick with me kid." I am trying to lighten the mood of this call, but somehow, I think it is too little too late. She has already decided not to go.
"No Christian, it means questions about our engagement. It means questions about when we will get married, how negotiations of the prenuptial agreement are progressing and speculations about the novelty wearing off after the wedding." Yep, she has already decided and yep, this is a lame ass excuse.
"Anastasia, do you think that little of me? Do you think press questions or innuendo are going to affect how I feel about you, about us? Do you think I give a fuck what people say?!" Down boy, down, remember not crossing any lines? Exerting control or the appearance thereof is not the best tactic, especially at this juncture of your relationship. You are right. This is Anastasia Steele. I remember.
"I know you do not give a fuck Christian, but I do give a fuck and I always seem to be the topic of discussion. Why can't you understand this is not about you? Why can't you consider my feelings in all of this? Why can't you be sensitive to how this all affects me?" What the fuck is she talking about? I bust my fucking ass trying to show her I love her, show her that the rest of the fucking world does not matter. I told her once if my wealth bothered her so much I could arrange to be bankrupt in thirty days. What the fuck did that offer get me? A fucking jaw drop and deer in headlights expression on her face. It took all I had not to laugh at her though. She is right, I do not understand. I do not see how this affects her.
I let out the breath I knew I was holding and asked the million-dollar question…again, "Anastasia is there anything I can do to comfort you regarding my feelings and devotion to you and our relationship?" Tell me baby, I will do it. I will jump off this fucking building if that is what you want. Just say the word.
"NO! How many times do I have to tell you? I. Love. You. Christian Trevelyn-Grey. I want nothing more that to spend my life growing old with you. I want to be your best friend. I want to be the mother of your children. This is about my insecurities and how I can fit into your world. I just need time to get my thoughts straight. I need to figure out where Christian Grey ends and Anastasia Steele begins."
I ball my fists. She means Anastasia Grey dammit. Down boy, what did I just tell you? It is time for this shit to end. It is time for her to make her decision and for you to take a stand. It is shit or bust time Grey.
I need to understand this shit once and for all. "Anastasia, exactly what do you mean by 'need time to get your thoughts and feeling straight'? Have your feelings for me changed? Are you calling off our engagement?" I have gotten to the end of my tether. I love her with all that I am, I am nothing without her at the same time, I am tired of straddling the fucking fence here. If I am going to spend my life alone, I need to prepare for that. I can stop giving to her, I can stop buying for her too if that is what she wants, but I cannot fight an invisible foe. Where she fits in is anywhere she wants to be and I mean literally. If she wants an office at Grey House, she can have it. If she wants to go to every boring ass meeting and listen to these fuckers drone on about particulars that have nothing to do with their original assignment or the project at hand, be my guest. Where she fits in is where she puts herself. All the fuck I do is work.
"No, my feelings for you have not changed. I am a simple girl Christian, you knew that when you met me. I have always been very self-sufficient, I do not want your money or to be praised because of my relationship with you. You of all people should understand. I want to bring something to the table other than my student loans." I am so fucking sick of this speech. I love Ana and would gladly lay down my life for her. I have deliberately not touched her fucking student loans so she can be "Miss Independent". What the fuck does 'bringing something to the table' have to do with loving or sharing a life with me? I have more money than Croesus. Please, explain is fucking shit to me? I am getting tired of this same old song and dance.
"I cannot be in your shadow Christian. The world will not take me seriously when it turns out that I have what I have because I am engaged or married to "the Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprise Holding, Incorporated."
Ok, I am biting my fucking tongue here so that she has the opportunity to get this all out in the open. This is definitely a first for her, because usually I only get this type of conversation by email so I am going to relish her verbal dialogue. "Anastasia, I want to be certain I understand what you are saying to me. Is that alright?"
"Yes Christian.", she hisses. Deep breathe Grey. That is right; now let it out slowly, slowly. Do not let her hear you.
"Anastasia, what I hear you saying is that your feelings for me have not changed, correct?"
"Yes Christian." Easy Grey.
"You have always been a self-sufficient woman and you do not want my money, correct?" This is not a news flash.
"Yes Christian." Why can I feel her fucking eyes roll? Just keep your comments to yourself. Fuck the eye rolling shit.
"You also do not want to be praised because of your relationship with me. You want to be an equal contributor to our relationship and not live in my shadow, correct?"
"Yes Christian." Please God let me get through this conversation.
"And, you want 'the world' to take you seriously because you are Anastasia Steele not because of your association with me, correct?" Be careful Steele, this is a big one. She is not listening to herself talk.
"Pre-fucking-cisely Christian." She almost snarls.
All I can do is shake my head. Does she realize what she has just said? Yes, she should have a name and a face and a voice all her own. Yes, she should be recognized based on her own actions and not feel as though she is only regarded because of who I am. How the fuck ever, does she realize, no one under God, can run the fucking world?! This is precisely why I do not give a fuck about what other people think. Everyone, all my life has assumed I was just some arrogant fuck. After I dropped out of Harvard and started GEH, then I became the stupid, arrogant fuck. Now, since GEH is a force to be reckoned with, I am the elitist, arrogant fuck who got lucky after dropping out of Harvard.
I shake my head, throw up may hands and say uncle. She wins. I have to give her the time and space she needs to figure this out on her own. God I am going to miss her. I pray our relationship can survive. "Are you sure you caught that last point Anastasia?" Now I hear crickets on the line. I believe she realizes she is putting her life on hold for good. "Anastasia, are you still there?"
"Yes," she says timidly. Yeah, she knows she fucked up.
"Do you fully understand the last statement I clarified?" Breathe Grey. Do not intimidate her. She is a bright woman; she knows what she just admitted.
"Yes", her voice is smaller that it was before, if that is possible.
"Then, for the record, would you please go over that issue once more for me? I really want to be sure we are on the same page?" You are going to bleed this one dry aren't you? You better fucking believe it. This is not about other women ogling me, this is not about Elena and BDSM bullshit; this about how she looks and how comfortable she feels in the world.
"I said I want the world to take me seriously because of who I am and not my association with you." B-I-N-G-fucking-O!
"The world huh, not the man you want to grow old with, not even the families who love you? The world's view of Anastasia Rose Steele is what is important?" I feel like someone punched me in the ribs. I cannot compete with the world. I cannot reassure her that the world is what you make of it. I will not take on the world. If the world is what she wants, then the world is what she can have. I just have to learn to live my life without her.
"Yes." I believe she understands now. I am not usually magnanimous, but this time I am going to make a huge exception and not point out that the world does not count for a fucking thing. She matters to me, I thought I mattered to her, her family, my family and her friends think she walks on water. I am absolutely worthless without her, but she is worried about how she looks to the world. Well excuse the fuck out of me. It is nice to know where her priorities lie.
"Alright Ana, I will not pressure you or interfere with your introspective time anymore. You know I love you, I know you love me, that will have to be our light at the end of this tunnel and hold us through whatever life has to dish out. You know how the press will behave when they see me without you, right? Our relationship will become suspect and the tabloids will have the time of their lives."
I am not trying to use this against her or sway her decision. I want to get all of this shit out in the open now. I do not want her wondering what is going on and why the world has us under the microscope. I will again be considered Seattle's most eligible bachelor and women will be even worse than before. Yes, but remember the world thought we were gay, so I am quite sure our virility will be questioned as well. As far as I am concerned, that will not be a bad thing.
"Why are you telling me this Christian? Is this some kind of a warning?"
"Quite the contrary my love. I want to prepare you for what the world takes seriously. I do not want this to affect your time away from me. I do not want you to question my love or fidelity to you no matter what the situation between us. My heart is always in your hands baby. I love you." With that, I end our call.
Taylor thinks he knows what is wrong. He has been quiet and staying out of my way all day. I am sure he thinks I am going to go ballistic any second now. Granted, I am not happy and I would like nothing better than to stay in my office tonight, but duty calls.
All I can think of on the ride home, is 'be careful what you wish for…' I love my Ana and I am going to miss her horribly, but the world can be a cold and cruel place. If she is waiting for worldwide acceptance, she is going to be waiting a lifetime.
A/N Thank you to everyone who sent me a PMs asking about this story. Your encouragement has led me to try again.