Just a random little thing that popped into my head. Written in about 30 minutes.

The Disclaimer: I do not own ToS or anything else that's not mine, except for the plot. That's mine. Noishe'll eat you if you steal it.

Monday 9:31 A.M.

Ugh, Dirk's asleep, young Master Imbecile is at school, and I'm stuck in this accursed house, with absolutely nothing to do. If only Dirk was awake, we could probably get a game of blackjack going…(1)

In other news, my dear diary, that fool Tail has dropped his defenses. I shall strike with all my power immediately! I can see him now, simply drooped lazily there… It would be so easy to smite him where he stands. Sits. …Lies.

How the hell did I go 4000 years without noticing the bastard? Granted, it was awfully hard to formulate any sort of sentient thought when I was just crawling out of the ocean, but still, you'd think I would have noticed a stubby useless little appendage protruding from my posterior! Oh, but that was a difficult time, as I've told you many times before. I got so lonely being the only living creature on Symphonia… Imagine my happiness when I discovered those little apes crawling around the mainland!

…Of course, now I regret not wiping them out when I had the chance.

And then, as a bird, I mostly spent my time annoying the hell out of Lord Yggy and Hair Gel. I was so busy I didn't even realize part of my own body was plotting against me…

Y'know, the more I ponder it, the more I realize that I did notice it back then. I have some vague memory of Lord Yggy pulling on it and screaming at me after I soiled his head in my bird form… (2) But back then, I just didn't think it was big deal.

But now I know better.

Ah! He's mobilizing! Look at him, diary, wagging around innocently… Now is the time to strike!

Monday 9:34 A.M.

Too tired to write. Little bastard wore me out. How does he do that? Every time I'm about to catch him and gnash him to shreds, he juuuuussst manages to elude me! Dammit!

Ugh… I need some freakin' jerky. Be back in a sec.

Monday 9:35 A.M.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Disaster! Catastrophe! It's the end of the whole damn world! AAAAAAHHHHH!

We're out of beef jerky!

Oh yeah, and there was some huge flashing pillar of light from the east, shortly followed by the arrival of a massive tower from the sky, as though being delivered upon us by the hands of the gods themselves. I distinctly heard (3) the crunching of buildings, rock formations, and human bones, as they had apparently decided to set it on top of the thriving futuristic city of Lumanaria, where all sorts of wondrous medicines and inventions were being mass-produced. It was the hope of Sylvarant. (4)

But who cares about any of that! MY JERKY IS MISSING!

This will never do. This will never do. I need that jerky. I need it like a wacked-out drugee, willing to sell his body, abandon his family, and basically throw away all that makes him human in order to get his hands on his fix. (5)

There's no way I can wake up Dirk and beg him to get some more. He'll just throw his hammer at me again. Damn! I'll have to go into town and get it myself.

Monday 9:45 A.M. On The Way To Town

Am I really the only one who wonders just why the wildlife in this area tends to suicidally launch itself at the nearest living creature? Honestly, I was just brutally attacked (6) by a fluffy-white bunny. A fluffy-white bunny! Really, where else but Iselia would you expect to be assaulted by Bambi's entourage? Do the other town's inhabitants hold conversations like: "Hey Bob, I'm going out to get the groceries!" "Be sure to take your sword, the rabbits are vicious today!"

…Damn Yggy, splitting the worlds and all. This all his fault.

Monday 10:03 A.M.

This is an outrage! Simply an outrage! Just who the hell do these guards think they are? LET ME IN!

…OW! Keep that spear sheathed, you idiotic minuteman! I didn't spend 4000 years trudging around this abysmal planet to be halted by a couple of militia buffoons! Go home to your overweight wives and 3 acne-ridden teenage children! No, wait, scratch that wife part. Go home to your overweight husband. Nobody who wears his helm cocked like that has any interest in grabbing the attention of a suitably female mate.

Oh, praise the goddess, it's a rarity of immense proportions! Young Master Imbecile is here, and I'm actually happy to see him!

Oh, there he goes with the whole "Noishe is my dog" thing. That particular feeling of appreciation sure died fast. Listen, buddy, I'm not your dog, I'm the guy whose been watching your back for 17 years!(7) And my name's not Noishe, either! I've got too many names to count, most of them having prefixes of the "-The Mighty", "-The All-Powerful", or "The Destroyer" variety!

Oh, yeah, I was "worried" about you. Sure. See how my eyes roll? I want my jerky, dammit, and you're gonna get in that store right now and-

What? NO! We're not going back to Dirk's, we're going in the store! No! Not the leash! Aaaaaaaah!

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(1) He'd probably whoop me, too. Damn dwarf card-playing skills…

(2) I blame the chili Hair Gel had stuck in my bowl.

(3) Yes, I heard it. This form has its advantages, keen hearing being prominent among them.

(4) There's probably something ironic about that, but damned if I wasn't too hungry to care.

(5) There's actually not a whole lot of those left, ever since Yggy obliterated all the pharmacies in Sylvarant. Said something about "drugees not being equal to everyone else." Weirdo.

(6) "Brutally attacked" meaning it leaped on me, and I proceeded to kick its ass. Thumper ain't goin' home to the family tonight…

(7) And a hellish 17 years they were, too. You try getting Baby Imbecile's spit-up out of your coat. If, y'know, you had one. Inferior human.

--------------------------Footnote End----------------------

I'll probably continue this, which explains some of the confusing parts. They'll all be revealed in time. I'm just hoping I don't completely forget about it, like (coughcoughroysourboycoughcough) certain other stories of mine.It's been a while since I played the game, so gimee a break if anything's screwed up. AndI know the footnotes are confusing, but I find them funny. So deal with it!