May It Be
A Kenshin Songfic
By: Hitokiri Gentatsu
Author Note: Another songfic from me. The song is Enya's "May It Be" from the soundtrack to Lord of the Rings. If you haven't seen the movie then you should because it was extremely good.
"May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you"
The stars shone down upon me as they had so many times before, sparkling high above me and I watched them transfixed by their beauty. Back then I had just begun my journey into a new life, one without death surrounding me. My only companions were my new sakabatou, my vow to Tomoe and my memories. I left Kyoto far behind me as I had once left the mountain home of my master and like that day four years ago I was also leaving a name behind me. When I left Hiko I left behind the name of Himura Kenshin and now the name I was leaving behind was that of Hitokiri Battousai. I hoped never to hear that name ever again and to never return to Kyoto. That was the only way that both of us could find peace with our bloody pasts and the only way we could truly heal.
"May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true"
Ten years have passed and still the darkness comes, encasing me in its shadow, and calling to that part of myself that remains a hitokiri. I have once again endangered others by growing to close to them because I selfishly stopped on my ceaseless journey. My new friends have been captured or wounded by my enemies just because I was there. My past, that dark bloody past keeps coming back to haunt me. It never matters where I go or how far from Kyoto and it I run for it was always there, hiding in the shadows ready to spring upon me and ready to drag my friends down with me. I cannot allow this to go on. Udo Jine, Isurugi Raijuuta, and now Saito Hajime. All three were able to call forth Battousai from the depths of my mind and now this time I almost failed to return to my true self. I cannot live like this, ever divided within my heart with two sides forever warring for possession of my soul. One side must win out over the other and until I can discover which I am, the ruthless hitokiri or the peaceful rurouni, I must leave. I cannot protect them as unbalanced as I am now not even from myself. I am a rurouni and so I must journey on.
"You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home"
I am alone again and even in that loneliness I cannot find peace. I miss the others, my companions of many months. When I close my eyes I can see them and I hear their voices in my mind. I know they must be furious with me for leaving but it was the only choice I could have made. I'm a danger to those I care for and the country needs me to protect it one last time. Shishio must be stopped and if I have to return to the hitokiri I was then I will do so willingly but I cannot let the others see me like that again. If I must kill again I know what will happen and what I will become. I can only hope that someday Kaoru and the others understand and that they can forgive me for breaking up our 'family'. I'm doing this for them, for the peace that they have known these last ten years and for my own peace of mind. Shishio, my successor, is my responsibility. I created him and it is I who must lay this ghost to rest and yet I wish I could just return to Tokyo and the peaceful life I've created there in the city of Tomoe's birth. My home...
"Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way"
Kyoto. The one place I had tried to forget with my wanderings. That was where it had all began and it will be where it must end for good or ill. It is strange that in order to find my true self I must return here. Here I am confronted daily with my past and with who I was. I still see the city wreathed in flame and covered in the blood I shed. My vision here is still tinged with red as the Hitokiri within me strives for control. He is ever with me but never so much as he has been the past few weeks. I cannot stop him from appearing now and I no longer have control of him. Chou was able to draw Hitokiri Battousai from me so easily, forcing him from the prison I had put him in when I left this city ten years ago. If Shakuu's last sword had not been a sakabatou, Chou would now be dead and I would be walking the bloodstained path of the Battousai again. If there is any way to prevent myself from becoming what I was I must find it. I must find the way and the only chance lies with the one person whom I have always trusted. It is to him I must return if I ever hope to regain my lost self. I will go back to my Master.
"Mornie alautie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now"
It is dark again and the rain beats down on me. I have lost something, my master tells me. Something is missing within me he says as he leaves and I have to find it by morning or so lose my life. What could I be missing? I have always known I was missing a part of myself, a piece I had lost long ago somewhere during my early years but what is it? Where can I find it again? Where do I begin searching for it? How can I reclaim it before tomorrow's sunrise? I sit in the rain deep in thought; oblivious to everything around me even to the fact that water is running down my face and back. I search my soul for this 'missing part' but cannot seem to find it. My mind wanders over my memories of the past but I cannot find what I seek. There is nothing for me to find within them or else something has been hidden from me. Something is holding me back.
"May it be shadow's the call
Will fly away"
I discovered that day who I was and found that part of myself which has been missing all these years. I am just a peaceful man who once went to war and whose soul became warped into that of a killer with no will to live. I was one who always hoped to die and who went into each battle hoping in his heart that this one would be the last one. I had brought so much death to others and death would be my 'heavenly justice'. That cold, unfeeling man was Hitokiri Battousai but I am not him anymore. I have a new life as just Himura Kenshin and the shadow of the Battousai will no longer haunt me. I will have no farther need of him although I know he will forever be a part of me I cannot release completely. I have found the will to live although it took me ten years and a long journey hovering between death and life to find what I had know when I was a child. My heart has become light now and free from any fear. I will go into this battle and even if I should lose my life at least I will know that I was not seeking release in death this time.
"May it be you journey on
To light the day"
I see Shishio through the flames and I know he is preparing his final attack. There is nothing I can do to stop him this time for my body's strength is spent. I can feel my life slipping from me with every drop of blood that falls from my wounds. Strangely I feel the others there with me, standing around me. I close my eyes and see them again and from somewhere deep inside myself I find the strength to continue the fight, to block his blow from above one last time. I have very little strength left but I will try to hang on a while longer for them. My long journey flashes through my mind again and I see every event that led to this moment with a clarity that I had not experienced before. It seemed as if I was experiencing my whole life in a flash, reliving each part of it as the seconds went by. Then I remembered the promise I had made to those I had left behind me: we would all go back to Tokyo together. I could hear the promise echo in my heart and soul. I could not allow myself to die here in this dark place. I had friends waiting for my return. And so I fought on heedless of the pain of my wounds or the flames around me. I made one last effort.
"When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun"
I had no strength left and the darkness rose up to claim me even as the fires still burned around me. I could see nothing and felt nothing but a deep stillness within my soul. I couldn't tell if I was alive or dead but I found the darkness to be comforting somehow and I welcomed it. I knew the others were waiting for me but I did not want to leave it behind. Here there was nothing to torment me, just peaceful darkness. I do not know how long I lingered in that darkness but it was sunlight that woke me from it to find my friends gathered around me, tears in their eyes. Miraculously I was alive. I had survived although it was a close call. Had I not had such a strong will to live I would now be dead. I will never lose the will to live again and I will also never take life for granted. It is too precious a gift and too many have died to protect mine to ever squander it again. Tomoe showed me the meaning of happiness and peace but Kaoru and the others have shown me how to live again.
"Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way"
I have found my way and now I wish to thank you for the gift you gave me, Tomoe. I am sorry for neglecting you all these years but I was too afraid to return, afraid of the painful memories in my heart I knew such a visit would bring and the regret that still lingers even after all the time that has passed. But now I promise you that I will return here every year from now on. At last I understand what life and happiness are. I thought I knew then, when we were together but the truth is I do not. You where the one who show me this path and who tried to make me understand this fact even if I only just now discovered the meaning of your words. Forgive me for taking so long to understand.
"Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you"
I will now live my life and be at peace with my past. I will always regret the deaths that I caused but I will no longer live a tormented life because of them and I will keep the vow I made to you that night long ago for as long as I shall live. I will continue to protect the happiness of others without killing for that is the only way I can atone for their deaths and yours but this time I will remember not to seek my own death but to always choose life. That is the best way to honor your memory and theirs.
"A promise lives within you"
"Ore wa kimi o mamoru"