Name: Patient Painting Teaching Hospital. (Or: PPTH)
Writer: Ann.
Fandom: House.
Rating: PG.
Genre: Action / Humor.
Disclaimer: The rights for House are Fox's and the studio's. I don't own anything.
Others: Just an idea. That may have come up after Swan Song. Maybe.
It was a quiet morning on Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, New Jersey. There were no insults thrown at good doctors. No pets were wandering around the halls, no helicopter toys were flying in the hospital, and no other toys were used on doctors and patients. No one slipped over liquids spilled in the hallway. It was just like any normal hospital on Earth.
And that was exactly what made Doctors Cuddy and Wilson worried.
"He's House," Cuddy said, looking up at Wilson from her place on the sofa in her office. "There is not one day without him being his childish self. You know that as well as I do."
"His bike is in his parking," Wilson replied, sitting down on the sofa next to her. "He won't answer his cellphone. According to the nurses, he checked in today." He thought for a moment before continuing. "I don't remember seeing him this morning. I think he left before I did."
Cuddy seemed surprised. "House got up before you did?" She asked, unable to believe.
"It appears so." Wilson sat there quietly for a moment, looking at Cuddy's desk. Then his brown eyes met her green ones again. "Maybe he's got a case."
"Don't you think his team would know?"
"They don't?"
Cuddy shook her head. "Where the hell is he?"
Wilson got up. "I don't know. But I have an idea," He added as he left the office. Cuddy hurried after him, eager to find her best doctor. "House spends a lot of his time hiding. He's not in the clinic, or we would've known. He can be in patients' rooms. We need to check them all."
"Wilson," Cuddy stopped him, "Do you know how many patients there are currently in this hospital?"
"I'm sure a lot," Wilson replied, looking at her in seriousness, wearing his "you have to believe me" persuasion face, his hands moving as he spoke. "But if there's anyone who would've played hide-and-seek here, it's House."
She weighted it for a moment. "Alright. I'll send security to find him."
Wilson nodded and turned to the elevators. Cuddy turned around, walking in short, decisive steps. Wilson looked after her as he got into the elevator and sighed. If there's anyone who would do that to them, it's House.
"House?"
Wilson entered his office, half expecting to find his best friend sitting in his chair. Instead, all he found in the empty, organized office was a note pinned to the wall. Taking it off, he read it quickly.
"You really thought I'm that much of an idiot?" He rolled his eyes, throwing the note away. "House, wherever you are, get out!" He looked around him. Not one thing has moved in his office. He was about to turn back when he noticed the glass door to the balcony, and then hurried towards it, thinking his friend might be there. But as he walked outside he saw no sign of House, neither in his balcony nor in House's office's.
Shaking his head slightly in disbelief, he climbed to House's office's balcony and entered the office, surprising his three employees, Doctors Cameron, Chase and Foreman. When asked about House's whereabouts, none could give him a real answer, and so he left the office, turning towards the Coma patients' rooms. Knowing House loved hiding there, he checked each and every one of them, running into the security guys more times than he could count. But no matter where in the hospital he went, there was no sign of House.
"They checked every single room in this hospital," Cuddy seemed irritated. "And nothing. Where the hell is he?"
As soon as the words left her mouth, a paint ball crashed through her office to her desk. Both doctors looked outside immediately, trying to find the source of it. Instead, all they saw was a big white sign, with the word "MORONS" written on it.
They both jumped up, exchanging a look. There's only one person in the world who would do that.
"House!" Wilson called as they ran out, looking for House. They looked around them, trying to find him in the crowd around the hospital. They had no doubt House paid a lot of them to be there to hide him. "House, what the hell are you doing?"
"What do you mean, what am I doing?" House's voice replied from above them. To their surprise, when they turned around they could see House on one of the balconies on the second floor, holding a paintball gun in his hands. He was wearing special uniform to protect him, which made them both glance into Cuddy's office, where two paintball guns and two pairs of uniforms now lay on the floor. "I'm bringing a bit of fun to this place!"
"House, this is a hospital!" Cuddy called. "This is not the time or the place for your childish games!"
House smiled. "Wrong answer," He said and pulled the trigger. If Cuddy hadn't moved as quickly as she did, the bullet would hurt her stomach, just as House planned. Both Cuddy and Wilson hurried to look up, only to find out House was already gone.
"Are you okay?" Wilson asked, looking at her with clear concern.
"I'm fine." She replied shortly, starting to head back to her office. "We need to get to House before he does any more damage."
"I don't think we can stop him from doing so," Wilson commented as they walked inside. He replied to Cuddy's questioning look with a gesture towards the hospital's main hall. "I think he's already done dragging everyone around to his game."
Indeed, the main hall was full of armed people walking around, looking for someone. They were all wearing these uniforms – all those who joined House, which for some reason were the most of them – and holding rifles or guns. Both had no doubt House had both and an unlimited supply of balls.
Happy that no one had noticed them, they sneaked back to the dean of medicine's office, locking the door behind them. While Cuddy remained by the door, Wilson took his uniform and hurried to the bathroom to change. A minute later he went out, dressed and ready to go. Realizing this is their only option to stop House, Cuddy hurried to change as well. Then, slowly and carefully, they left the office.
"I told security to close the hospital," Cuddy said quietly as they sneaked to the elevators, hoping they won't run into someone whose loyalty is to House. "No one goes in or out. We have to finish it quickly."
Wilson nodded. "I have a feeling he'll be in his office. I also have a feeling his team is with him. He probably told them he'll fire them if they won't be," He added, knowing his friend way too well to think otherwise.
"I'll fire them if they help him," Cuddy said as they went up the stairs, ready for an attack.
"Which would only matter to the rest of this hospital's workers," Wilson remarked, scanning the hallway before leading the way up to the third floor. "If they work with us, House will fire them. If they work with House, you'll fire them. House knows exactly what he needs to do to get his employees to do what he wants."
They were about to continue going upstairs to the fourth floor, when a ball nearly hit Wilson. He dodged as Cuddy quickly shot upwards, trying to strike whoever it was who was shooting at them. As she shot towards the stairs to the next floor, Wilson hurried into the corridor and stood in the corner, where he could clearly see the mysterious shooter. It was none other than Cameron, with her hair in a ponytail and a rifle in her hands. The look she gave Wilson when she noticed him was of amusement filled with a wish for him to stop it. It may be a fun thing, but the first thing she thought about was the patients.
They exchanged a few short bursts of fire before one of them, none was sure who, managed to knock her down. Exchanging a look, both doctors hurried towards her, wanting to make sure she was okay.
"Are you okay?" Wilson asked as they ran upstairs.
She nodded as they stopped by her side. "He's in a patient's room in the third floor," She said quietly. "He's got the whole hospital involved in this. I don't know where Chase and Foreman are, but I know he has a stash in his office."
"Thank you." Cuddy's voice was quiet. Then they continued upstairs, being as careful as possible. House predicting their actions wasn't a surprise. Them being unable to predict his actions… that was their problem.
"What now?" Wilson whispered.
"We go to the office, get the balls, and go to the patient's room. By now he had probably gotten even the patients involved in this." She sighed. "We're going to have a lot of explaining to do, especially to the board."
Wilson turned his head to look at her. "Well, you knew that's what you signed for when you hired him." She nodded slightly. "I'll go through my office. You continue that way," He said when they got to the hallway. "Maybe we'll be able to distract them."
Cuddy nodded briefly, not saying a word. Wilson turned to his office, entering quickly and quietly closing the door behind him. His office was clear, no signs of paintballs or House anywhere. Then he sneaked outside to his balcony and to House's, the way he did less than an hour earlier. Through the glass walls he could see Cuddy getting in and walking straight to House's desk, thinking he'll hide his stash there. He stood still outside, waiting for Foreman or Chase to show up. He knew House, and House would have never left ammunition unguarded. Whoever was the guardian, he probably waited for Wilson to show up.
And so he waited. He smiled as Cuddy quickly picked up all the ammunition House was hiding, and then slowly moved backwards, planning to return to his own office. House's trap failed.
"Going anywhere?" An Australian accent came from behind him, stopping him.
Wilson sighed, realizing House has predicted their moves again. "Chase. We need to stop House."
"He said you'll say it," Chase replied, his gun pointed at Wilson's back. "Turn around, and drop the gun," He ordered.
"What are you, a cop?" Wilson exclaimed, as he turned around. Noticing Chase's slight smile, he shook his head. "No. I'm not gonna drop the gun." His voice was calm, even though a bit louder than usual.
"Drop it." Chase ordered, his fingers tightening around the trigger. If Wilson tried anything, he'd be able to knock him down before he'll manage it.
"Alright." Wilson put down the gun and held his hands up. "What's next?"
"We're going to House." Chase's response was short. "Let's go."
Hoping Cuddy saw the scene and would follow them, Wilson led the way to the elevators. He couldn't hear anything behind him, and he wasn't sure whether it was a good or a bad thing. It could mean Cuddy wasn't behind them. It could also mean she was and was extremely quiet. If only he knew which was the right one.
Chase quickly pressed the third floor button, and minutes later they were already on their way to House's hideout. Wilson led the way, turning to whichever direction Chase told him to go.
"Stop." Cuddy's voice was a commander's voice.
Chase immediately turned around and shot, forgetting about his prisoner. He shot quickly, and moments later Cuddy was on the floor, paint all over her front side. He seemed satisfied, but as he bent down to help her get up, she slid Wilson's gun to him, and the other man quickly shot Chase's back. Cuddy rolled away as Chase fell down, managing to get hold of her gun again. To Chase's defense could have been said that he didn't give up. He managed to nearly knock down both of them before they finally stopped him.
Their breaths were short and quick. "That was hard," Wilson muttered as he stood up.
Cuddy nodded. "Let's go." Was all she said.
They moved quickly, hurrying towards the end of the hallway, where they thought House was. Hoping they won't run into another trap, the stormed in.
To their surprise, House was lying on the patient's bed, while the patient, holding a gun, sat in a chair by the bed. House looked up at them as they entered, his blue eyes focusing on each one of them for a moment.
"It's about time."
Cuddy seemed as if she's going to explode, and Wilson hurried to put a relaxing hand on her shoulder. She took a breath before speaking, realizing his clue. "House, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I told ya," House replied lightly, "I'm making this place fun."
"We found you. That's the endgame." Wilson reasoned. "It's time to stop it."
House got up. "No, I don't think so." He said, taking his gun from the patient, who was also wearing a protective suit. "Or rather, the patients don't think so. You see, they enjoyed it." The patient behind him nodded eagerly. "See? He likes it."
"This is a hospital. Which means there are no games in the halls. No games." She stressed. "Take this thing off and start working. Now."
To their surprise, House caved in. "Fine." Then, without saying another word, he limped out of the room. Exchanging a suspicious look, the two doctors hurried after him… only to find themselves in an ambush.
"Run!" Wilson cried as he started shooting at all those who were shooting at them. Noticing House sneaking away, he ran after him, shooting throughout their entire way. He then hurried to Cuddy's office, knowing this is House's next stop.
And indeed, House showed up moments later. He entered the office… and immediately got shot. Wilson stood up, looking at House with satisfaction. "You have a lot to answer for, House," He said as he helped his friend stand up. They both then took off the uniforms and slowly walked towards the elevators. "How did you get this running?" Wilson asked curiously.
House grinned. "You don't wanna know."
"No, I do." Wilson pressed the elevator button. Seeing House's face he smiled. "No, I guess I don't." They stepped into the elevator and pressed the third floor button. "I suggest you'll end it."
"Sure."