'Here lies Dan Howell, 1991-2015. Loving son, fiance and friend'
I stared at the tombstone blankly. How did this happen? Well, I knew how this happened but I didn't want to admit it was real, I didn't want to say goodbye. I had to. I was at his funeral, my fiance's.
It was like it was only yesterday when I saw his beautiful face, everyone says that I bet. Now I'm one of those people who knows how it feels. I didn't want to know, I'd do anything to have him back.
My fiance died. Dan died. His funeral was today, right now. I told myself I wouldn't cry but i was just kidding myself, I couldn't stop myself crying on a normal day, let alone this sad one. Well, all my days are sad now, since he's been gone.
I couldn't speak inside the church, his family said a few words and so did Phil. I just sat down blankly, when they called me up I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I didn't want to accept the fact he was gone, forever.
I doubt this dark, empty feeling inside of me will ever go. When he died, he took apart of me with him. I say it was my heart since I can't feel anymore. Well that's a lie, all I can feel is sadness, regret, anger...Mostly just sadness.
I turned my eyes to the dull black coffin, which he lay in. I could picture his still, limp pale body just lying there peacefully. Him looking so angelic and perfect...But dead.
It's funny how I could just imagine him opening his eyes, smiling and sitting up. I wish he did, then told me it was all a sick joke. I wish he'd tell me that he was coming back. I wish he would hold me in his arms and never let go.
That wouldn't happen though. The only way I would see him is if I was dead. I'd see him on the other side, I was thinking about it. The pains becoming unbearable and it's only been a week. One week since his death.
My eyes sting, partly because of the lack of sleep I've been getting and because of all the crying. I don't think I've had one day without crying.
I never knew there could be this much emotional pain due to one thing. I knew we would die eventually, just not so soon. It wasn't supposed to be this way, we was supposed to get married and have kids, have a life together.
I looked at Dan's mum, she was crying into her husbands shoulder. She couldn't look at the coffin, she couldn't see her baby being lowered down into the ground. I was the opposite. I couldn't take my eyes off the coffin. I felt a lump in my throat as I was just about to speak. I had no voice, I had nothing to say.
Someone walked to the side of me, standing next to me and taking my hand in theirs gently. I blinked, a tear falling down my face as I looked up to see Phil standing there looking pale. He lost his best friend, I didn't know whether it was harder for him because he knew him all of those years...Or was it harder for me as he was the love of my life? Maybe we just felt the same.
"Smile for him" Phil croaked out, I breathed in a shaky breath and stared as the coffin got lowered into the ground. I tried to smile, I honestly did but it seemed impossible. The vicar was speaking, I knew he was speaking English but I couldn't understand the words he was saying.
Phil gave my hand a little squeeze, pulling me back into reality. He handed me a tissue with his other hand and I took it gratefully. I wiped my eyes, even though the tears were replaced with new ones straight away.
"He told me to look after you if anything happens" He whispered and I swallowed hard. The coffin was placed into the ground, a rose was dropped onto it by his mother. I didn't know if I should had dropped anything, he already took my heart, what else did he need with him whilst he lay there alone?
"He's gone" At first I thought someone else said it, but then Phil looked at me and nodded, tears slowly falling down his pale cheeks.
He handed me a red rose slowly, then stared at the coffin. "When you're ready"
I was never going to be ready to say goodbye to him. I couldn't. He was my soul mate, my first and only love and I had to say goodbye to him in a matter of minutes. He's gone. Forever. I stepped forwards, towards the whole which my fiance laid in with a box around him. "Goodbye" I whispered as I rose my shaky hand up, letting the rose drop out of my fingers and onto the box. My knee's became week and my legs soon caved in from under me. Gasps came from the crowd and I felt arms wrap around me.
"We'll say our final goodbyes" Phil whispered, helping me stand normally. "It's been a rough day and week. It'll get better though...It always does" he put his arm around me and led me away from my Dan.
I asked myself, why wasn't I the one to die? Then I thought about the emotional pain Dan would be going through if I was laying in that coffin. He wouldn't be able to handle it, I couldn't handle it. "What are we going to do now" I whispered to Phil, he frowned and shook his head.
"I don't know Lou. I just don't know" He wiped his eyes and helped me into a black Volvo. I got in the back and he joined me. Phil told the driver the address and the car started moving. I didn't know whether I liked the idea of being away from Dan, If I was with him at the grave it'd only bring back the memories...and the pain.
We was going to the party now. Celebrate his life, say our final goodbyes. I didn't know if I could hold on much longer without breaking down. People would approach me and his family saying he was a good man, he was so loved and was very talented. They'd say sorry and wish us luck and I'd stand there, feeling as if I was about to puke from having too much pain and sorrow inside of me. We decided to have the wake the same day as the funeral, just after it. Maybe it would be easier that way...or harder.
The drive was silent. Phil was staring out of the window mostly, he glanced at me a few times. Probably to see if I was okay, I'd never be okay. For the drive, I just sat there in silence thinking about Dan. It was strange how my world revolved around him, now his gone...What now?
I couldn't find someone else to love, I just couldn't. I'd be reminded of Dan every time, I knew it. I'd be alone, I'd be waiting for death to take me just so I could be with him again. It was strange how much I wanted death to take me.
"We're here" Phil whispered as the car pulled up outside a strange building. Phil got out, walked round and opened the door for me. I stepped out the car and saw people from the funeral entering the building. I saw Dan's father walk in with another man, shaking his head sadly as the man patted his shoulder.
"I can't" I whispered and Phil cupped my face in his palms.
"You can Lou, you can. It's going to be hard for all of us but we have to say our goodbyes" He stared at me sadly, "I'll be with you every step of the way" Phil promised and I took a big, shaky inhale of air before I nodded and walked in with him.
Muse was playing, him and Phil loved Muse. I would have smiled if this deep depressing feeling wasn't haunting me. I entered the room where people all stood, the music was louder, food and beverages were scattered along the tables...And there was photo's of Dan on the wall. I stared at them for a few seconds, admiring and taking in his beauty. I wouldn't see that in person again, I wouldn't be able to kiss him for one last time.
Phil placed his arm around my shoulder, looking at the photograph's with me. "Such a poser" He chuckled but there was no humour in it.
Someone started to approach us, I turned my eyes away from the photo's to see Dan's mum walking to us sadly. Dan's dad followed shortly after.
"I...Louise..." She dabbed a tissue at her eyes, "I just want to thank you for making my son the happiest man on the planet. I..."
I grabbed her before she could say anything else, I hugged her so tight. We sobbed into each others shoulders.
"I wanna thank you for making him who he was" I whispered to her, "You brought him up well" I exchanged glances with Dan's dad who smiled a little, a fake smile but enough to say 'thank you' to me.
"He'll be watching us from heaven" She pulled away. I stared at her sadly, nodding. "Phil...You changed his life. You made him get a job which he loved. I bet he never did regret anything" She smiled and hugged Phil who nodded.
"He was my partner in crime. He may be gone, his memory and video's will still be there though. He'll still live on through our hearts"
I took a deep breath. What if I went on YouTube and saw a video of him pop up? Maybe I should watch video's of him, he'll seem alive. He'll seem so real that I'd convince myself he was actually real. I'd start going round the house, trying to find him...Then Phil would have to break it to me. I'd go insane from misery.
"You still making video's?" Dan's dad asked Phil, he nodded.
"I guess Lou will be in my video's now. We'll stick together. I'll look after her" Phil looked at them both, promising.
"You've always been a good brother role model to her" Phil's mum smiled but started sobbing, "We better go" She walked off, greeting other people as me and Phil stood there blankly.
"I miss him so much" I frowned, "We were good people...He made the right choices, he hasn't done anything bad. He was even driving normally, correctly. Then that crash had to happen"
"Lou" Phil stopped me, "Sadly bad things happen to good people. It's an ugly world. Hell, maybe there is a God and he thought he was too good so took him from this horrible world and put him somewhere better"
"Then why doesn't he take me, you and all the others. Why can't we go with him?" I frowned rubbing my eyes.
"Maybe he fulfilled his purpose on earth"
"And what was that" My voice broke and made a horrible high pitched sound.
"He made so many people happy with his video's, he made my life amazing and...Well...You. He made you so happy, he showed you what love is"
"But now all I feel is pain. I need him" I whimpered, hugging Phil tight. "We need him back here" I sobbed.
"I know Lou, I know" Phil whispered rubbing my back. Life would never be easy, I thought I had control of my life, I thought it was going the way I wanted it to go. I was happy, I had Dan and Phil. Dan was my fiance and Phil was practically my brother- being annoying and all. Then some drunk bastard decides to get behind the steering wheel and kill my fiance. Everything came crashing down. Phil said it'll get better but I highly doubt it.
This dark feeling I have now has gotten comfy, it isn't going anywhere soon.
"I just wanna go home" I whispered, Phil nodded. "Let's go" I sighed, looking around the room sadly but then walking off. Phil was following me, making sure I got home safely. If I stayed any longer then I would have started drinking to try and numb the pain, it'd just hit me worse in the morning though. I needed to leave before I destroyed myself.
"You going to sleep in his bed?" Phil asked, I stopped breathing for a second, realising that now I'd always have to sleep alone. I shook my head slowly. I closed my eyes and pictured him laying next to me on the bed, smiling and looking at me longingly. "You know where my bedroom is if you need me" He told me as we got in the car, he told the guy our home address and he started driving. My breathing quickened as the tears started pouring down my face. "It's okay, let it out" Phil pulled me into him and I sobbed uncontrollably into him.
I cried so much but I knew there would be more tears tonight. There would be more tears tomorrow, the day after, the month after...How many tears could I cry before the pain stopped?
"When we get home, go to bed. You haven't slept in days. If it helps, take some tablets. You really need sleep Lou" He whispered sadly and I nodded. Lack of sleep was making me emotionally unstable, well, I think.
The car pulled up at our apartment block. I got out and walked into the building with Phil, walking into the elevator and pressing our floor number. It was strange not having Dan with us, trying to scare us both. It was just me and Phil now.
The elevator doors opened and we stepped out, walking to our apartment. Phil unlocked the door and I headed straight to me and Dan's room...Well, I guess it's just my room now. I opened the door and looked at the empty bed. I took a deep breath in and teared up. It still smelt like him. I dragged myself to the bed and fell on it, hugging the pillow which was on his side. It smelt like him, I closed my eyes and pictured him there. Nothing would bring him back and nothing would stop the pain. Thinking about him only made it harder, in a strange way- it was the only way I would be able to survive.