The Marauders decide Lily and James need to be given the talk, and Sirus is chosen to be the one to do it. He has a little too much fun. Rated T because it mentions things that are idealogically sensitive. Sirius' POV.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Sirius is Serious
"Sirius, why are we here?" Lily asked, frustrated at me apparently. I had been pacing for the last fifteen minutes, just after dragging Lily, and my best mate, James, into this deserted classroom. I was just wondering how to start when I heard the snores from James.
I rolled my eyes as I threw a random object from the desk at him and began, "As the two of you have been dating for several weeks now I have noticed that you're getting into the *cough* physical aspect of your relationship."
I used air quotes when I said 'physical,' just to be sure they understand what I was talking about. They seemed to get it
"Sirius," James paused, a look of utter shock on his face, "You can't be serious!" James had been there when I had given 'the talk' to Wormtail' and knew that I could go into some graphic detail.
Understandably, my best mate was looking worried at his girl. Lily sat next to him, eyes bugged out. Perhaps the mere idea that I would be talking about sex in her general vicinity had just blown her mind...
"Oh contraire my friend, I am serious," I said with a dramatic sigh, "Now then, as I was saying. As you two are getting physical it is required that you take some precautions so as to avoid...dire...consequences." Once more, I used air quotes to emphasis, "I am taking it upon myself to instruct you in the ways of birth control. The first method and most well know is the 'pill.' It is used by muggles and wizards a like and is 99% proven to prevent pregnancy. Lily, you would be the one to actually have to take it…"
"Sirius! I know about the pill! My mom put me on when I turned 13! Why are you doing this?" Lily screamed at me suddenly, taking me aback. She had come out of her apparent shock quite suddenly and reacted for worse than necessary!
"Because it is important that I don't have any little nephews running around until I am old enough!" I told her with a completely serious look on my face. This seemed to throw Lily back into shock, and James as well.
I pulled out my list of birth controls, having forgotten some key info since the memorization session with Rems. "The next method is called a condom, used normally by muggles, but is a lot easier to get then the wizarding contraceptive potion. I would suggest double protection in the form of either the pill and the condom or the pill and the potion. Another method would be the..."
"Sirius...could we please not have you talk about this?" James begged, his head in his hands as he tried to permanently sear this event from his memory.
"Well the Marauders decided it was necessary and Remus spun the wand. It landed between me and Wormtail, would you prefer him?" I asked without evening look up from my list, the looks of horror that came across there face was answer enough, "I didn't think so."
"As I was saying," Sirus began again, "The next kind would be the potion, used only by wizards, of course, and you can get it from the Nurse or brew it yourself. I wouldn't do either, as one can cause embarrassment and the other could end up backfiring. Some other ways are the female condom, which can be used for both vaginal and anal sex. Lastly there is the spermicidal foam. Pretty much it's just sperm killer that you squirt…"
"Stop! We get it! We won't have sex ok! Just stop talking!" the two person audience yelled at me, covering their ears. I laughed at them then, their faces were beet red and they looked utterly horrified. I skipped out of the room then, a little jump in my step, 'No nephews for me!' I wonder if I could use this as a way to get out of detention? Smirking to myself, Minnie was so going to hate me next detention time. I made sure to drop the pamphlets I had learned this all from in Lily and James' laps. The screams that erupted as I closed the door were bloody hilarious!
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