velleity.
(latin, n.) a wish or desire to see something done,
but not enough will to make it happen or actions meant to pursue it.
Iwaizumi would be lying if he said he didn't miss Oikawa's whining and pointless conversations. It would be an even bigger lie if Iwaizumi said he didn't miss Oikawa's presence, his ability to lighten up every mood, and his constant need to be next to Iwaizumi every single moment of every single day.
It was another sleepless night without Oikawa next to him, and Iwaizumi feels his heart swell with regret. He knows he shouldn't be feeling that way since this is what he's been wanting for a while – silence without anything or anyone to ruin it, but he still feels like shit despite having received his wish. Stress had piled up on Iwaizumi – what with school work, volleyball, finding a job and a dormitory for college – and a certain brunette couldn't get the hint that Iwaizumi didn't want to deal with his antics.
He hadn't meant to yell those words at Oikawa, they only slipped out. Iwaizumi knew very well that even if Oikawa laughs at all the insults thrown his way, the impact doesn't lessen and it drags Oikawa into a deep dark hole in the ground that he can't get out of alone. It was Iwaizumi's job to pull Oikawa out of that hole, Iwaizumi knew that very well, but he ended up being the one to push Oikawa. And Iwaizumi didn't know how to reach out and pull Oikawa back to him, and he swears that every time that scene replays in his mind, he feels nothing but remorse and guilt, especially when he recalls the way Oikawa's smile falters, his eyes slightly darken, and his voice cracks – like Iwaizumi has dealt the last blow, and he probably did.
Oikawa kept his distance and rarely spoke to Iwaizumi. This went on for days until Iwaizumi finally saw how deep Oikawa's wound run when Oikawa stands in Iwaizumi's doorway, a large bag hanging off his shoulders. "I'm going to stay over at a friend's for a while, Iwa-chan."
"Why? And with who?"
"Ushijima. He said I could stay with him since he has a spare bedroom."
The air became thick and heavy. Out of all the people Oikawa could choose to stay with, he chooses to stay with their enemy – someone Oikawa swears he wouldn't go to no matter what, and yet here he is, on his way to that very same person. Anger and sadness bubbles up in Iwaizumi because Oikawa could have chosen a different person rather than Ushiwaka and he doesn't have to leave because Iwaizumi will fix it, like he always does, but it just might take a while. Iwaizumi wants to stop Oikawa, but what could he say? It's his fault that Oikawa's leaving, so why should Oikawa listen to him? The words leave Iwaizumi's lips before he could think twice. "Okay. Be careful."
Oikawa nods and takes his leave. No matter how much Iwaizumi wants Oikawa to stay, his feet stayed glued to the ground and his lips tightly shut, throat dry. He watches the back of his best friend turn the corner and leave.
It's been nearly two months since then and Oikawa hasn't come back. They occasionally message each other, but their conversations never last for more than fifteen minutes. And Iwaizumi craves to hear Oikawa's voice again, to see him in person and to spike a set from him, but Iwaizumi knows that won't happen for a while. Not until he pulls his shit together, go over to Ushijima's place, apologize to Oikawa, and drag him back. And as much as Iwaizumi wants to, he can't because he knows that once he's face to face with Oikawa (and Ushiwaka), he'll lose his voice and end up saying nothing or hurting Oikawa even more.
But Iwaizumi remembers a conversation he had with Oikawa about writing letters to each other to express how they feel and how he suggested that the whole team should do it, so they could appreciate each other even more (and since the third years would be leaving soon, it would serve as a great keepsake). At the time, it seemed childish and a waste of time, and with the end of the year coming up, they were all too busy, so the team never got around to writing and exchanging letters. But right now, Oikawa's idea didn't seem so childish anymore, with it being the only way Iwaizumi could express his current feelings to his best friend. Iwaizumi wonders if he did write and send it, would Oikawa even read it and write back.
Iwaizumi stares at what he's written.
Oi, Trashykawa!
It's been nearly two months since you left for Ushiwaka's place! When do you plan on coming back? You can't just leave me with all the responsibilities here! Besides, what happened to "I'm never going to go to Shiratorizawa"? Going to Ushiwaka's place is practically the same thing as saying that you should have gone or you are going to Shiratorizawa! Get that straight, Bakakawa! We don't want the team thinking you betrayed us. We may not be playing volleyball for Aoba Johsai anymore, but we're still a part of Seijoh, so get your ass back here!
Anyways, how are you holding up there? I hope you're not giving Ushiwaka a hard time. He is our enemy, but you are a handful to have around, so I sorta pity the guy. He's not used to your goofing around, and you're pretty demanding too. Always wanting everyone's attention focused on you. Tsk. Why are you so self-centered, Assikawa?! You already left two months ago, so why do you still insist that I only think of you?! You're already so far away, but you still manage to annoy the hell outta me! Just come back already, so we (I) can fix things! Besides, it's getting really irritating when you're not around, so just come back already! I miss you.
And I'm sorry.
-Iwaizumi
note:
originally, this was supposed to be based on david choi's that girl, but at some point, i strayed and didn't end up basing the story on that song. i just wound up writing whatever came to mind. in any case, what do you guys think? any form of criticism is welcome. ^-^