Hello, mina-san. Wow! I've been away from the Fanfiction website for three years and I missed it terribly. Man, I have a multi-chapter story in here that I left as a cliffhanger and I haven't written the continuation for it. Yet.*hangs head in shame* Good thing that wasn't a Gintama fanfic. Heh! XD
Anyway, I've renewed my love for Gintama. I've been following both the manga and anime on and off for a year or two. So I'm not too familiar with the character nuances and canons. Kindly forgive me if this piece is OOC galore. I'm not good at writing characters in character (does that even sound right at all?). Other fanfic authors are really amazing at it though, it's as if their stories were actually written by the original creators. But unfortunately, I'm not one of them so lapses and imperfections abound but I'd like my fanfics that way. So I hope you enjoy this one - it's Gintoki x Otae pairing. Yes, I'm a fan and yes, this pairing needs more fanfic IMHO. :)
Gintama is copyrighted by Hideaki Sorachi. I make no claims of owning it.
Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love
In the Kudokan dojo's kitchen, Otae looked at the calendar thoughtfully. Today is the day. Things have been busy with her and her younger brother, Shinpachi, that the days passed quickly without her knowing it. And now it's here and she felt the familiar twinge of sadness in her heart.
"It has been five years since that day," she whispered absently. She willed herself to smile and pushed the lump that's threatening to form in her throat. She held her chest to let out an inaudible sigh.
"Aneue, have you seen my boxers?" Shinpachi walked in the kitchen. He saw his older sister staring quietly at a calendar. "Aneue?" he said a bit loudly to catch her attention.
"Ara, Shin-chan," Tae turned to look at him in surprise. "I was going to give you a special oneechan wakeup kick if you're still sleeping. But you beat me to it." She pretended to busy herself with the dishes.
"Aneue, that's just too violent," he said, feeling relieved that his alarm clock worked this time. "Oh yeah, I was asking earlier if you've seen my boxers?"
"Shin-chan, have you looked in the laundry room?" said Otae, adopting a motherly tone that she knew very well. "You know, you're old enough to be responsible for your underthings. I mean, what would girls say if you keep asking your big sister where your boxers are?" she teased. "Really, that's not very manly."
"Aneue, I am being responsible for my underthings. I just forgot where they are, is all," retorted Shinpachi, a bit annoyed, as he went to the laundry room.
Otae gave in to a little chuckle. She always find it fun to push her little brother's buttons sometimes. 'He can be such a petulant child,' she thought.
Shinpachi came back and looked at a clock on the wall. "Gah I'm late!!! Gin-san is going to give me an earful. And Kagura-san is going to give me a penalty kick for this." He hurriedly took a gulp of his already cold tea and grabbed a piece of bread. He nonchalantly avoided his sister's burnt fried eggs, hoping that she won't notice.
"Shin-chan! Would you please eat breakfast properly?" Otae said, exasperated.
"I can't, Aneue. I'm late. I have to go!" Shinpachi made a mad dash for the door.
"Shin-chan, don't forget we...." Otae called out to him.
Shinpachi stopped by the door and turned to his big sister with a cheerful smile. "Don't worry Aneue. I didn't forget. But can you go ahead without me? We've got a big part time job to do today and I don't know what time we'll get done. But I'll make sure to be there."
Otae looked at him and smiled in understanding. Her brother, she thought, is really growing up before her eyes. "Ah...all right. Just don't be too late."
"I won't," Shinpachi reassured her. "Itekimasu."
"Itterashai," said Otae softly. "Well then, it looks like I would have to go by myself. I guess, I better start putting together the stuffs I need to bring."
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Shinpachi looked back at the dojo. He knew what today meant and he tried hard not to show his sadness. He's now 16 years old, a far cry from the kid who cried relentlessly on that day. He wanted to show his sister how he had become mature and strong.
But of course, he couldn't help worrying about her. 'Aneue was trying to be cheerful this morning even though I can feel the melancholy in her voice. I wonder if she's going to be alright.'
This thought occupied Shinpachi's mind all the way to the apartment where Gintoki and Kagura are waiting.
"Oi, oi, Shinpachi. You're late and because of that we're all going to be late!" said Gintoki, lazily picking his nose.
"Yeah, Shinpachi. You're so slow we should have been there by now," said Kagura, eating her rice ball breakfast intently. "Maybe I should give you a penalty kick so you'll learn not to be late again. Right, Gin-chan?"
"What the hell are you guys talking about! I'm only five minutes late!" screamed Shinpachi. "I'm all ready to go but you guys haven't even gotten ready yet! Gin-san, you're still sitting there in your pajamas and picking your nose, while you Kagura-san, you're still eating breakfast. If you guys don't hurry, you're the ones who are going to make us late!"
Gintoki and Kagura looked at Shinpachi passively while simultaneously raising their eyebrows. "Gee, someone woke up in the wrong side of the tatami mat today, Kagura," said Gintoki.
"More like somebody forgot to take their chill pill this morning," said Kagura. "Shinpachi, did anything happen?"
Shinpachi, realizing that he lost his cool, quickly changed his demeanor and laughed sheepishly. "Nothing...I wasn't able to eat a proper breakfast today, you see. I get cranky when I don't get breakfast this early."
"Hmm?" Kagura looked at him suspiciously for a minute or two and said, "All right. I'll get ready."
"Yeah, you should do that. I'll go feed Sadaharu okay," said Shinpachi, trying not be conscious of Gintoki's questioning gaze. "Gin-san, you should get ready, too. The customer is not going to be happy if we get there really late, right?"
"Ah," replied Gintoki as he looked at the younger man's retreating back.
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At the job site, Gintoki can't get over the feeling that there's something eating Shinpachi. He just couldn't get his finger on it. He was observing the youth's every move and demeanor while doing their part time work - making house repairs. 'He seemed to be in very high spirits today,' he thought. 'Like he's trying too hard to be cheerful.'
He looked at Shinpachi, laughing at Kagura's antics and then getting pummeled to the ground. The usual interaction. The usual laughter and bickering. But there was something off. Shinpachi looked uptight, listless and every once in a while out of it. Earlier during the break, he caught him in deep thought, face grim and eyebrows knotted together. He just have to get to the bottom of this or beat it out of him. Or perhaps, let Kagura beat it out of him.
He bidded his time until they were the only ones working. The owner was going to buy more construction materials and so Gintoki told Kagura to tag along to help out with the heavy lifting. 'That would give me enough time to have a man-to-man talk with Shinpachi.'
When Kagura left. He tried to make conversation with Shinpachi. But the young man seemed to want to avoid any serious talk, either by going to a different area of the house far away from him or making excuses about getting this tool or that. They were repairing the roof when Gintoki has had enough. He gave Shinpachi a quick but emphatic whack on the back of his head.
"Oww...what was that for?!!!" shouted Shinpachi. The blow felt like it had knock the brain out of his skull. "What the hell, Gin-san!!!???"
"That's for trying to avoid me everytime I try to talk you, bakero!" Gintoki shouted back.
"What do you mean? I was talking to you," said Shinpachi, rubbing the back of his head vigorously.
"Oh really. You either keep changing the subject or not giving me a direct answer. Or going off somewhere so you won't have to talk to me," complained Gintoki. "Now Shinpachi, I want you to answer me straight. What's the matter? You look like something has been bothering you ever since we started the work. No, ever since we're back at the apartment earlier? Did something happen?"
"Nothing I couldn't handle," retorted Shinpachi.
"Ah so...what a fine way of handling things. You keep it bottled up inside and carry it around, looking like you've been constipated for weeks," said Gintoki sarcastically.
"It's my business all right!' said Shinpachi stubbornly. "I said I'd handle it." He looked like he was about to cry.
Gintoki's irritation faded when he saw the young man's face. He heaved a sigh. "Tch...you're like your oneechan. Keeping the burden to herself and not wanting to trouble anyone with it," he said thoughtfully as he sat next to Shinpachi. "But you know, you guys are not alone anymore. You have friends you can rely on."
The silence stretched out between them as a gentle wind blew past. It was beginning to feel like an eternity but Shinpachi was the first to speak.
"It's our father's death anniversary today," he revealed. His face, seriously grim and mature, while he looked out into the horizon. "Every year, Aneue and I will go and visit his gravesite. And every year, I cried my eyes out. But it's been five years now. I'm not a kid anymore. So I've resolved not to cry in front of him anymore. If I did, that would be so pathetic, right?
"Baka! What's pathetic is trying too hard to put up a front," Gintoki said, not looking at him. "As I see it, you've got a whole year to make your father proud and only a day to grieve every year. Why do you have to force yourself not to cry just because you're all grown up? You're always be your father's kid, you know."
Shinpachi smiled, a genuine one. "I guess, that's one way of looking at it."
"So how's your oneechan? Is she handling it the way you do or is she less pathetic?" joked Gintoki but he saw Shinpachi's face turned into worry again.
"You're right about Aneue. She was trying to be cheerful this morning but I know that deep inside she's filled with sadness. I didn't want to bring it up so I tried to be cheerful, too, for her sake," Shinpachi said while the image of his older sister looking at the calendar silently came to his mind. "Maybe I should have gone with her."
WHACK!
Shinpachi desperately held on to the shingles to prevent from falling face first off the roof. "Oww...what was that for this time, Gin-san?!"
"What kind of little brother are you?! You left your sister in her time of need to do some part time job??" Gintoki was aghast.
"Well, YOU'RE the one who said this is an important job and that YOU will need help to do it!" screamed Shinpachi. The back of his head stings and he's sure he would need a couple of ice packs for it.
"Ah. That's the spirit, Shinpachi! A man's gotta to do what a man's gotta do." Gintoki gave Shinpachi a reassuring grin. "All right. Let's get back to work so we can finish early."
Shinpachi also nodded back with a grin. Somehow he felt much better.
-----------------
When Kagura and the house owner arrived shortly after, Gintoki said he had an errand to do and will be leaving early. Both young people looked at him suspiciously.
"Gin-chan, you're not going to make us finish this work all by ourselves, right?" Kagura asked, poised and ready to pounce on him in case he gave the wrong answer.
"Definitely not. Shinpachi and I were able to finish most of the work. But I'd like you guys to do a thorough cleanup so you can get the early day off," Gintoki said airily, feeling a bit too generous to his 'employees.' As if to assure Kagura more, he added, "I'll buy extra sukonbu for you when I get home alright?"
The two young people didn't argue with him when he walked away. "Shinpachi, don't sleep on the job. Hurry up and don't let your oneechan wait too long for you."
"Hai," Shinpanchi shouted back enthusiastically.
-------------------
Otae felt exhausted all of a sudden. She had been finishing up errands - cleaning the dojo, doing the groceries, putting the laundry away. She had just finished a trip to the marketplace where she bought flowers, food offering and incense.
"Oh I would need the wooden bucket and ladle, too," she said to herself, as she rummaged through the kitchen cabinets. "There's water near the gravesite so I could just fill the bucket there." She looked around to see if she was forgetting other things. "I guess that's about everything I need. Well then, it's time to go up there." She felt her cheerful voice doesn't match her heavy heart but she dismissed it and went on her way.
The road to the gravesite was so familiar to her that she could find it easy with her eyes closed. Every year, she and her little brother would go there to commemorate their father's death, walking side by side silently. They never exchanged words or bantered like they do when they were at home instead they leave each other alone with his or her thoughts. She often wondered what her little brother was thinking or feeling in the last years that they went there together. Now she's going up the path all by herself and it made her feel so lonely.
'That stupid kid thinks he's too old to be seen walking with his oneechan eh,' she thought angrily. 'Too uncool to be hanging out with oneechan now. Baka! Why when he was a kid he would cling to me and even ask me to hold his hand while we walk. Now he'd rather go do a part time job than go together to the gravesite!' She's almost seething with anger now. "Oh he's going to get a good smack and a scolding from me, that's for sure!"
Her voice echoed in the pathway as it disturbed a few birds on the trees. She held her hand to her mouth, severely embarrassed to be speaking her mind out loud and for talking to herself. She sighed a deep sigh. "I guess I would have to bear with it...but it sure feels so lonely without Shin-chan here with me."
She trudged on and finally reached her father's gravesite. She set about discarding the withered flowers and putting the fresh ones on the container. She dusted the site and placed food offering and the incense. She'll make Shinpachi clean and scrub the whole site clean as punishment, she thought. She went to a nearby well and filled her wooden bucket with water. She walked back carefully and deliberately as if she was delaying something inevitable.
She poured water on the gravestone and silently prayed for her father's repose. The rituals were important to her, she had to go through the same ones she did in the past years. For her, it was like setting up the scene, making it comfortable and preparing herself for the real conversation she would have with her father's spirit. For her, this is the only time she could just let it all out in the open - to be true to her feelings and feel vulnerable. She's grateful that Shinpachi was not with her this time. It would just make him worry if he sees her succumbing to her emotions that openly.
"Chichiue, how are you? Shin-chan and I are doing just fine. He'll be here later," she started, kneeling in front of the gravestone. "You'll be surprised that he's grown taller and more mature. He's even got a part time job and he has very good friends," she said as tears started forming in her eyes. "As for me, I'm doing well, too. I've got a job at a club. But please don't get mad. It's not a bad club where immoral people go. It's not like that at all. The people there are really nice and they are treating me kindly...I wish you could have met them..." This time, the tears fell uncontrollably on her cheeks and she left them fall freely.
Meanwhile, Gintoki almost got lost trying to find the gravesite. It was a good thing, he caught a glimpse of Otae's brightly-colored kimono - a subdued pink amid the grey of the gravestones. He resisted the urge to call out to her. 'This is not the place to act familiar with her,' he thought. He didn't want to seem like he was intruding into her privacy either. But he didn't have a plan on how he will approach her so he watched her from a distance.
He saw her kneeling down, talking in a soft voice. Then he heard, amid the rustle of leaves in the breeze, her hesitant sobs and saw her shoulders shaking in despair. He felt his heart wrenching at her sadness and grief. He had never seen her like this before - the Otae-san who is quick to punish transgressors with her fists and feet, the Otae-san who can smile sweetly yet hide her ominous intentions so easily, the Otae-san who is always proud of her burnt fried eggs, the Otae-san who can be an overly protective older sister to Shinpachi and Kagura.
All those things that both he and Shinpachi said about her that she's the type of person who hides her grief behind her smiles pale in comparison to what he was witnessing at this moment. And now he understood why Shinpachi was so worried about her. Like him, he wanted to protect her but moreso, he wanted to tell her everything would be alright from now on, that she was not alone. Right there and then, he had resolved to do everything in his power to protect her. He walked hurriedly towards the crying Otae and held out his handkerchief.
Otae was caught off guard at the handkerchief in front of her. If she was in her best form, the holder of that handkerchief would have received a kick that would send him to Kingdom Come for startling her like this. But all of her defenses were down at the moment and so all she could do was look up with blurry eyes at the owner. She didn't recognize him at first. The sun shining on that white hair blinded her momentarily until she realized who it was.
"Ara, Gin-san!" she said forcing her voice to sound cheerful while she quickly wipe away her tears. She stood up and beamed at him with her characteristic smile. "Are you taking a walk in these hills? It's such a nice day isn't it?"
Gintoki gazed at her, his eyes softening at her forced cheerfulness. "You don't have to force yourself to smile all the time," he said gently. "It's okay to show your feelings and be sad once in a while. No one's going to judge you for it."
"Huh? I don't really know what you mean, Gin-san. I'm just...I..." she stammered, not meeting his gaze. Gintoki took hold of her and drew her close to his chest. "Mou ii. You don't have to explain a thing. You just have to be true to yourself. You can cry as much as you want to here and now. It's going to be all right. You're not alone in all this, I'm right here."
Otae didn't know what to say. She wanted to protest. She wanted to tell him that she was strong, that she could handle it on her own. But the truth was, it hadn't been easy to be left with huge responsibilities at a young age. She had been trying her best to handle it all on her own for years. But the more she tried to keep it together, the more she feared that she would break down and succumb to despair. She didn't want to cry. She was too ashamed to show her weakness.
"I'm scared Gin-san," she said, her trembling voice muffled on his chest. "I'm scared that if I cry the tears won't stop and I would break to pieces and not get myself back together again. I'm scared for what the future holds for both Shin-chan and I. How uncertain it is. How our dream of bringing back our dojo is still so far away. I'm scared that I may not have the strength to continue on..."
"Baka!" Gintoki scolded her gently. "You're one of the strongest people I know. As for the future, everybody is scared of the future. But why do you have to worry yourself so much about it when the most important thing is the present. Nobody can see what the future will bring, all we can do is take one day at a time towards it. Don't be afraid to grieve either. There's no shame in that."
Otae was grateful for these words, grateful that she doesn't have to endure her grief alone. Thankful for this man who seemed to show up at the right place and at the right time. The tears that she was so desperately trying to hold back came rushing back in full force. It was as if her body had taken over and released all the grief and sadness she had been hiding all those years. She held onto Gintoki tightly as wave after wave of sobs rocked her body.
Gintoki held her tightly in return. 'Kamisama, I don't have the power to take her pain away but I promise that I would be with her. I don't want to see her in despair again.' Otae's heaving eventually subsided and he could feel her exhaustion coursing through his arms. "Nee, Gin-san," she heard her say. "Can we be like this for just a little bit longer?"
He smiled and said gently, "Ah, you can hire my arms and chest for as long as you like. You'd have to treat me to a big parfait though." He felt a slight giggle from the young woman in his arms. She felt so light and warm, like the warmth before the full sunrise in early dawn. He would protect that warmth forever, he thought as he closed his eyes.
"Gin-san," whispered Otae.
"Hmm?' Gintoki mumbled.
"Arigatou."