Title: Breathe Again
Summary: Constricted and suffocated in the silence of their interactions, Nicky seeks Red out. Loosely set during S4E13.
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©
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Exhausted, grungy, and full of anger, Nicky thrashed around her cube; kicking her work boots off, and throwing her work helmet to the bed she had to force herself to not scream out loud. Her head throbbed, and her face was drawn up into a tight scowl as she struggled to process the endless amount of emotions that seemed to suddenly want to consume her from the inside out.
She dropped her hands to rest on her hips, and without even realizing it, she raised herself up on her toes, inhaling and exhaling long, deep breaths through her nose, before slowly she let herself back down to rest all of her weight on flattened soles. She repeated the process over and over- up, down, breathe in, breathe out.
Her racing heart seemed to calm with her movements, and she continued on and on until she felt the tension in her face begin to subside. Her features relaxed, and she took a moment to enjoy the sensation. With her head still throbbing, her hands moved to either side of her temple and she rubbed them gently in hopes of alleviating the pressure. Feeling much calmer than she had felt in days, she dropped her arms to her side and opened her eyes.
Feeling grounded once more, Nicky stripped herself from the confines of her filthy uniform and wrapped herself up in a towel. She stuffed her balled up clothing into the laundry bag near her bed and quickly gathered all of the necessities she would need for a shower, desperate to wash the day's challenges down the drain. Like a clean mouth would make her feel better, she was sure a warm shower would help calm her aching muscles.
Grabbing her shower shoes from underneath her bunk, Nicky froze as she became eye level with a piece of paper peeking out at her from underneath her pillow. Sandals in her hand, she arched an eyebrow high in confusion. Glancing around for any indication of who may have left it, she tentatively pulled it from its place, crumpling it nervously in her hand.
Dropping her shoes to the ground, and tightening the white towel around her figure, she slowly sunk down onto her bunk. Curiously, she peered around the dorm once more. Confident that she was alone, she unraveled the paper. Recognizing the handwriting immediately, she felt as if the wind had been physically knocked out of her. Struggling to compose herself, her stomach tightened in anticipation, clenching and unclenching painfully, as her eyes dissected every letter.
My Dearest Nicky,
You are the strongest I've ever seen you. You've always been resilient, but sweetheart, you amaze me more and more each day. This may sound cliché, and I'll apologize for that later, but you do Nicky- you amaze me. Every second of every day I find myself captivated by anything and everything you do. You always do what you set your mind to. You beat to the sound of your own drum- even if it's a tune I do not always agree with. I wish I were more kind to you in the moments you forget how truly magnificent you are.
It can be frustrating at times, but no one is going to love you the way I can- the way that I do. I promise to do a better job in teaching you- to be a better example- on how to love yourself. I hope that one day you can see just how lovable you are, how made of love you are so that you can spend time building yourself up instead of trying to destroy yourself in the most deadly of ways.
I don't want you to just realize this for yourself, Nicky. I want you to realize this for me too. You possess a magic that has healed the darkest places of my heart. I had never even known that part of me existed before you, Nicky. I know it hasn't been easy, and I'm sad to say that things may never get any easier, but thank you. Thank you for working hard and for not giving up when it would have been easier for you to do so.
You are intelligent, generous with your heart, kind, resilient, funny, and one hell of a woman worth loving. I love you. I know you many not think that your heart has healed any, or maybe you think that I have given up on you, but Nicky, that will never be the case. I will always be here for you, no matter what. That will never be anything you have to question.
One thing you and I both have to keep in mind: There's always going to be someone who's doing better than you, and there's always going to be someone who's not quite where you are either. So, my love, just keep going- keep fighting. It may not feel like it now, but I promise one day it's going to be worth it.
Love Always,
Ma
Closing her eyes, Nicky felt a tear roll down the soft skin of her cheek. Quickly, she wiped it away and shook her head in an attempt to dispel the heavy moment. How did Red always know what to say? How did she always know when Nicky needed her most?
"It's not a judgment… it's just, I know you."
Recalling their awkward and uncomfortable conversation from earlier that morning, Nicky nodded softly to herself. She chuckled bitterly as more tears threatened to fall, but she refused to let herself be overwhelmed. Exhaling a deep breath, she felt her bottom lip tremble and she quickly caught it between her teeth. Scanning over Red's letter once more, she nodded to herself in understanding. Red did know her. She knew her better than Nicky would have liked to admit, and for some irrational reason that only served to enrage Nicky. She despised the fact that she had seemingly become so easy to read. How had that happened? When had it happened? How could she have let herself become so transparent?
But as quickly as her anger had come, it was gone. It wasn't a breach in her own walls that caused Red to have figured out every detail that made her whole. No, she admitted silently to herself, Red had learned her by simply being there. She had taken the time to get to know her, something no one had ever done before. Red encouraged her to grow and she nurtured her in a way no one had ever attempted to try. In hindsight, she had essentially molded Nicky into the person that she was.
Placing the letter back underneath her pillow, Nicky made a mental note to go and find Red after her shower. They had been missing each other quite a lot lately. They weren't connecting the way they once had and Nicky wasn't sure how to fix it. She knew she was responsible for a large part of it, no doubt, her actions aiding Red in perhaps mistrusting her- and she had every reason to.
Holding her towel in place with one hand, her clothes folded neatly in the other, Nicky began her journey to the showers. Her mind was clouded, fogged with the events of the past weeks. She chewed her bottom lip, physically seeking a way to release the building anxiety. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore, and she wasn't even sure where to start on putting everything back together.
You don't even know how you feel, her subconscious echoed. She hummed to herself in agreement. Ever since her return from max, everything was so topsy-turvy. Everyone had moved on with their lives; they were into different things, interacting with different people. Piper had involved herself in a white power group, and Alex had killed a man. Lorna had gotten married to a man who was not Christopher, and Red, well… who knew what the fuck that woman had gotten into.
Standing beneath the spray of the shower, hands massaging the shampoo into her scalp, Nicky rolled her eyes in annoyance as she thought of the red-headed Russian. Bits and pieces of her letter came to front recesses of her mind. Despite Red's kind words and promises that she wasn't giving up, Nicky couldn't help but feel skeptical.
Truthfully speaking, she felt annoyed with the older woman- angry even. It had seemed that ever since she had returned, Red had been too busy for her. It wasn't that she wasn't there physically, but… she wasn't there. She wasn't in the moment. Nowadays, Nicky felt as if she were invisible like Red was only spending time with her and talking to her because she had to, as if Nicky was just another task to get through on her agenda.
Maybe it was an irrational and selfish way to view things, but she couldn't help it. They hadn't had a single, pleasant, uninterrupted moment together since her return, and the one moment they did have alone was not an enjoyable one. Cringing, Nicky realized she was standing in the very shower stall that Red had confronted her in. A chill ran down the length of her spine and she suddenly felt guilty for her earlier thoughts. The woman had endured so much grief on her behalf, why should she have to suffer through anymore? The thought of losing Red caused her stomach to flip and she reflexively wrapped her arms around her midsection. She groaned out softly, eyes clenching shut as she struggled to breathe through the sudden tightening in her chest. They were forced and ragged attempts, but soon she felt her airway open once more.
Her mind a jumbled mess, she weakly fumbled through the rest of her shower routine, only exiting the safe haven of the cubicle when she could no longer stand the freezing cold water. Drying herself off, she quickly dressed and wrapped her towel around her head. With her arms crossed over her chest, she made her way back to the dorms. She needed a minute to collect herself; she wanted to try and make sense of the jumbled mess inside of her head.
Approaching her bunk, she eagerly reached for Red's letter. Reading it over once more, her brows knitted together in intense concentration. Bobbing her head along as she read, she still couldn't deny the conflicting emotions they enticed in her, she needed to see Red. She wanted to talk to her, if not to address her own feelings of being ignored than to simply just be in her presence.
God, she rolled her eyes at herself. She was completely ridiculous. She had no clue what she really wanted. Part of her wanted to talk and argue and clear the air, while another part of her wanted to just call it a day and go to sleep.
...
It hadn't taken long for her to find Red. With all that had happened with Washington, all of the families had grouped together to remind themselves of what they so often took for granted. Her own family was huddled in the common room. Norma and Red were sitting at a table playing cards while everyone else was a few feet away talking quietly amongst themselves.
Rubbing her hand along the back of her neck, Nicky quietly approached the table. The crumpled letter in her hand, she inclined her head respectfully toward Norma and smiled nervously at the raised eyebrow Red had given her. Sensing the tension almost immediately, and wanting desperately to be anywhere else, Norma quickly excused herself. She motioned for Nicky to take her chair, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently in hopes of conveying her support.
Waiting until her friend was out of earshot before speaking, Red cleared her throat. "I haven't seen much of you today," eyes focused on the deck of card in her hands as she shuffled them mindlessly. "Not since breakfast," she tried to keep her tone even, as to not sound too overbearing. She was sure she had been unsuccessful in her attempt.
"Yea," Nicky responded hoarsely. Shaking her head she tried to clear the foggy feeling that suddenly seemed to appear. "I needed some time to myself," she confessed honestly, "A lot of things going on."
Eyeing her suspiciously, but refusing to speak, Red began to deal out the cards between them. She wasn't really interested in playing another game, but she figured it was as good of a distraction as any. Lately, her relationship with Nicky had felt off. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but she feared that maybe in some way she had upset the young woman. Unsure of how to broach the subject without setting Nicky off, understanding that she was in an extremely delicate state, she decided to wait- praying that the issue would perhaps blow over in its own time.
Aware that Red was only dealing the cards out as a means of distraction, Nicky covered her hand. Her fingers moved to grip her wrist and she squeezed gently, desperate to be acknowledged. "Ma," her plea left her in a strangled gasp. She gulped nervously as blue sapphire eyes rose to meet hers, and she was tempted to turn away from the worry she recognized being reflected back at her. Before Red could question the oddity of her behavior, Nicky continued, "I need to talk to you."
Nodding her head in consent for Nicky to proceed, Red's hand pried Nicky's tight grip from around her wrist. She cradled both of her hands into her own, thumbs gently stroking small passes along the smooth back of her hand. "You can talk to me about anything, you know that." She had meant to sound confident and welcoming, but at the way Nicky looked at her, she wondered if she had every truly conveyed herself in such a manner.
No bullshit, Nicky told herself. "What's going on between us?" She asked quietly. She tensed in her seat as Red's thumbs stilled against her. Not giving her much of a chance to answer, fearing what she might say, she whispered, "Everything feels wrong." She shook her head, sure that she wasn't making a bit of sense. "I know I messed up, and I know you're upset with me, but… this feels different, Red."
"Nicky, I'm not upset with you." Red promised. She gripped Nicky's hands tightly, afraid that if she didn't, she would pull away. She hadn't expected such a heavy conversation, and now that it was happening she couldn't bear the thought of Nicky fleeing before they had a chance to talk. "You made a mistake and we handled it, no?" As her emotions boiled to the surface, her accent thickened, coating her words to a point that Nicky had to really focus to understand what she was saying. "We handled it," she promised.
Wincing at her words, realizing that Red still didn't understand what she was asking, Nicky's head hung in defeat. "Did we?" She asked softly, eyes focused on their hands. The last thing she wanted to do was bruise her mother's feelings, but she couldn't keep pretending that things were okay. "Or did we just sweep everything under the rug?"
"What are you talking about?" Red's tone bordered on the line of defensive. She had done everything she knew how to do to help Nicky through not only her transition in being back home but with once more cutting drugs out of her life. Had Nicky not realized that? Was she unaware of what exactly she had done to ensure that her recovery be smooth; to ensure that she would never be taken away again? The memory of being pushed up against a chained fence was still fresh in her mind, surely Nicky hadn't forgotten all of that.
Nicky pulled one of her hands free so that she could run it tiredly through the top of her still damp hair. She could feel Red's confusion radiating off of her in waves, and briefly, she pondered the idea of dropping everything. What was the point of upsetting her when nothing could possibly come of it?
This isn't just about her, listening to the small voice inside of her head, Nicky shrugged. "We never talked about any of it, Red." She hardly recognized herself. Her head tilted as she studied the epitome of strength before her. "We never talked about it," she repeated, shrugging gently. "We never talked about any of it and I think we should." She nodded softly, pleased with how she sounded thus far.
Red shook her head no. "What is there to talk about, Nicky?" She asked. The last thing she wanted to do was backtrack into the past. She didn't believe in living in the past. What was the point? You couldn't change it. She just wanted to move on and look toward the future. "We've talked Nicky, you know we've talked," she pleaded, "I know that you didn't mean to, I know you want to do better."
"Yes, but," Nicky rolled her eyes as Red rushed to cut her off.
"Okay then," Red concluded, "We will be okay, it's just going to take time." She was confident that with her unwavering support Nicky would make it to the other side stronger and better than ever. "We can do this together."
"But that's just the thing, Red. I feel like I'm doing this alone!" As soon as the words left her mouth, Nicky instantly regretted them. She couldn't help but laugh bitterly, ashamed at how good it felt to say, but knowing how deeply her words must have cut. Her eyes closed at Red's broken stutter- a breathless and painful struggle to process what she had just been told.
"Wh-What?" Red choked, "What do you mean you're doing this alone?" Fear flooded her and her heart began to race, loudly echoing in her ears. Shaking her head to dispel the tension, she was sure that at any given moment she'd have a heart attack. Her chest tightened, and she dropped Nicky's hand, her right palm moving to massage over her chest. "Nicky?" She called, her panic only rising to terrifying levels as her questions remained unanswered.
Her mouth felt hot and dry, and try as she might, Nicky could not force herself to respond. Nothing was coming out. As she began an explanation, her mouth would reflexively close, lips thinning into a line. She would growl her annoyance and then try again, only to have the process repeat itself- over and over. She heard Red calling to her a third time, and she brought her hand up to tangle in her hair, needing some way to release the compressed and mangled tension growing inside of her.
After what felt like an eternity, she was able to stutter her way through an answer. "I- you-" she shook her head in annoyance, clearly frustrated with herself. "I feel like you really don't want to be here." She grimaced at the stunned look she received in return.
To say Nicky's words simply stung was an understatement. To say they were a slap in the face… well, that was the truth. How could she ever think something like that, let alone verbalize it?
"Excuse me?" Red questioned, she hardly recognized her own voice it sounded so cold. Nicky cowering down across from her told her she had felt it too. "Where else would I be Nicky? Have I not been by your side since day one? Because if I remember correctly, it wasn't Lorna or Alex picking you up off the bathroom floor."
"God," Nicky groaned. The last thing in the world she wanted to do was hurt Red. That had never been her intention. She felt horrible for even bringing any of this up but she couldn't help it. "I'm not talking about three years ago, Red. I'm talking about right now." In her mind, there was a difference. "I'm talking about the other day when you walked away from me when Lorna called me out in the cafeteria. I'm talking about when you let me leave to go to work knowing full well what I was going to do. You knew I would look for someone to sell to me, and you let me leave anyway!" Her hands moved as fast as her mouth, and to further exclaim her point she slammed her hand down onto the table.
Red shook her head, hands coming to massage her temples. "Let me get this straight, you're upset with me because I trusted you to act like an adult and to keep your promise?" She glared at Nicky, confused on how for one minute that would make sense to anyone. "If anyone should be upset, Nicky, it's me! You lied to me, you stole from me and still, time and time again, I have taken you back- I've helped you. Because that's what you do for someone you love. I shouldn't have to watch you like a hawk every second of every day, you're a grown woman."
"I don't want you to watch me!" Nicky exclaimed. She could feel herself losing this argument.
Everything Red was saying was making sense and she hated her for it. No matter how she tried to explain herself, Red would always be able to counter back with examples that made her not only look but feel like the bad guy. Over and over again she had tested the woman's willingness to be there. She needed to fix this before it got too far out of control.
"I don't want you to watch me like a hawk. You're right, you shouldn't have to." Nicky struggled to keep her tone calm, "But I would like to be able to talk about these kind of things with you, without worrying that you're going to walk away, without feeling like you're covering up some big scandal that's going to detonate your reputation." She reached for Red's hand, holding it tightly to her chest. "I just-" she shook her head; "You can't say you'll be here and then walk away, or push me aside when something more pressing happens. I can't always be pushed into the shadow, Red."
"I didn't walk away from you!" They seemed to be going around in circles. Nothing was making sense anymore and Red feared that sooner or later she'd say something that couldn't be taken back.
Despite the heaviness of the situation, Nicky laughed. "Of course you didn't," she shook her head in amusement, eyes rolling heavenward as she prepared for their relationship to crumble right in front of her. "How could you? You weren't even here."
"What in the hell are you talking about?"
"You were here, Red, but you weren't here with me. You were somewhere else. Ever since I've come back it's like your head has been in another place. Do you realize this is the second time we've had any time together, just the two of us since I've come back?" Nicky didn't wait for her to respond. "Do you realize that like the other night in the bathroom, we're arguing? Whatever we once had feels broken and I don't know what to do to fix it. I used to be able to come and talk to you about anything, and everything, but now it feels like you can't wait to get away from me. You have too much going on to spend time with me, and I need you to acknowledge me. We are worlds apart right now, and I just want you back." She felt a lump form in her throat and tears prick her eyes. She closed them in an attempt to keep her tears from falling down her cheek. Quietly, she confessed, "When I was in max I didn't feel as far away from you as I feel right now, and you're sitting right across from me."
Shaking her head, Red held her hands up in surrender. She didn't like the way Nicky was talking. She sounds so tired. "Nicky," She whispered, unsure of where to even begin.
Never had it been her intention to make her daughter feel that way, but things hadn't exactly been easy for her either. With Alex needing her, and Piper getting into trouble, Red felt as if she had done the best she could to manage her time between them all. She had invested so much personal effort into shutting down ways Nicky could score; perhaps she had overlooked the bigger picture. Her head pounded ruthlessly at the possibility. Had she failed the very person who meant the most to her?
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Red," Nicky promised, she could see the pain clearly etched into Red's features and she shook her head in dismay. She squeezed her hand, a silent plea for Red to look at her. "You know the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I love you so much, and I'm really trying here, to keep my shit together." She heard her voice break, the tale-tell sign that her emotions would soon get the best of her. Quickly, she stole a glance heavenward, needing a break from the overwhelming look in Red's eyes. She wanted to get through this in one piece. She didn't want the relationship she had with Marka- where she had to pretend that everything was okay every second of every day. She knew she and Red were capable of more, they had had it before. She just wanted things back to how they used to be. "I know I let you down," she confessed broken heartedly. It wasn't too much to ask that she take responsibility for her own faults. "But," she whispered, fingers softly stroking against Red's, "I also don't know how much more of this I can take."
"I feel like you're trying to break up with me or something." Red shook her head in frustration. She couldn't even laugh at her own joke. It was a futile attempt at releasing the tension between them. The blank expression painted across Nicky's features amplified all of her fears. "Nicky?" Her voice was desperate and thick. "Nicky you know I would never purposely make you feel that way... don't you?"
"I know you love me," Nicky tried to reason. A part of her couldn't help but wonder if maybe Red had perhaps subconsciously known exactly what she was doing. Since she knows you so well, a bitter voice echoed. Shaking her head, she moved both hands to tangle in her hair and she leaned heavily against the table, her eyes focused on the red pattern printed on the back of the cards. "Maybe we need space- time apart?" She couldn't help but wonder if self-inflicted space would be healing. She would be able to get a grip on herself and not be offended every time Red was pulled in another direction. Maybe she needed this.
Reflecting back on her stay in max, Nicky thought about how proud she had been to accept her three-year sober chip. It hadn't been easy, and every day she was tempted- more tempted than she ever had been in her life, but she had done it. All on her own she had managed to tough it out and hit three years. You did it for, Red. She exhaled a slow breath through her nose, eyes still focused downward. Not having Red with her had been unbearable, and while self-infected separation seemed cruel, she wanted to be able to prove that she could do it.
Space? Red despised the idea. Wasn't that exactly what the problem had been in the first place? She had given Nicky too much space, too much time to get in trouble. Never would she have ended up in max and back on that shit had she been paying better attention.
"I should have been watching… I should have known you were in trouble." Like a vengeance, her own words came back to haunt her.
With her mind made up, Red practically growled, "No." She shook her head, her hair moving in dramatic waves as she continued to object. "No, no, no. Absolutely not." She leaned across the table, raised slightly on her elbows. "I just got you back," she whispered, voice breaking as she gazed into the dark brown color of Nicky's eyes. "I just got you back. You're saying I'm not here and now you're asking me to leave you alone?"
"Ma-"
Cupping Nicky's chin in her hand, she held it tightly, briefly admiring the complexion of her girls skin against the red of her own nail polish. Her voice remained low and her eyes sparkled under the intensity of her own devotion. "No, Nicky." Red's grip on her tightened; not to hurt her, never to hurt her, but to convey to her that she wasn't going to walk away. No matter what Nicky did or didn't do she wasn't going to ever give up on her. "I have let a lot of things slip through my fingers, Nicky. My freedom, my business, fuck, even my marriage… but Nicky, my children- you- no. Especially not you, Nicky. You and I are not something that's negotiable."
Relaxing into her touch Nicky didn't even think about pushing her hand away. She wanted this more than anything. "I don't want to keep hurting you." She needed Red to understand that nothing she did was out of spite. Never did she want Red to think she was her fault. "But I don't know what else to do."
"You aren't someone I can lose, Nicky."
A genuine smile caused the corners of Nicky's mouth to draw up and she tilted her head into Red's touch as the older woman gently stroked her cheek. Nodding her head in understanding, Nicky agreed to her plethora of reasonings of why they needed one another.
"I trust you more than anyone, Nicky," Red promised her. "If I don't have you, then who do I have?" She didn't expect an answer, well aware that at this point Nicky would need to be reassured by actions that by gestures. "Do you really think you would drive me as mad as you do if I could stomach life without you, hmm?" A shaky breath passed her lips as she recalled the long and painful three months she had endured without her child. "I don't mean to hurt you, Nicky. I don't intentionally cast you to the side, but you have to understand that these last few weeks haven't been exactly a vacation for me either. As the matriarch of this family, I have to look out for everyone, I-"
Nicky covered her hand where it lay resting against her cheek. She squeezed her wrist gently and inclined her head in understanding. "I know, Ma." She did know. She knew it was unrealistic yo expect that Red devote every second of her day to her. "It's just… we have to talk about these things. I have to talk about these things. If you're going to be here, then I need you to be in the moment with me." Squeezing Red's wrist again, she pulled her hand from her face and intertwined their fingers. "We can't pretend that everything is fine when it's not."
"You have to come to me if you're having trouble, Nicky," Red said gently. "I look out for you and I always will, but it seems that even I tend to overlook certain warning signs. I need you to be even more responsible for your own recovery, Nicky. Even if I'm busy, come to me. Tell me you need me. Maybe I can't always help you right then, but I'm sure we could spend a few moments together to alleviate any concerns and come up with a plan to talk about things later." Standing up from the table, she grimaced as her back protested.
Nicky followed her lead, taking a step toward her and smiling as Red's hand found hers again. "You know if I come to you, you don't get to yell at me or get angry." She knew her mother had a tendency for dramatics. She had heard all about the kitchen fiasco and knew that it was nothing in comparison to what Red could amount to when the two of them were alone. "I'm coming to you because I'm trying and I just… you're it for me." She ducked her head shyly and reached for the letter that had been left abandoned on the edge of the table.
"What are you talking about? Do you think I get angry?"
Quickly, Nicky's head snapped up and she raised an eyebrow in response. Was that a trick question? Despite trying to remain serious she cracked a smile, "It's something you're very good at."
"Oh," Red shrugged uncomfortably, shifting on the balls of her feet. Shaking her head to dispel the moment, she pulled Nicky toward her, smiling softly when she felt her relax against her chest. Arms wrapped around her back tightly, Red quietly confessed, "It's not because I'm angry with you Nicky." She sighed and closed her eyes as she inhaled the scent of her hair. "It's because I'm scared and I don't do scared. It's not a great look on me."
Laughing gently, Nicky hugged her back. She nodded in understanding and began to pull away. "Thank you."
Keeping her close, Red bumped her forehead against Nicky's softly. "We'll do better," she promised. Pulling her into another hug, Red kissed her temple softly. Nicky closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of being able to breathe again.