You asked for it…you got it. CALZONA.
Before you begin, if you are no longer into this ship…don't read. I don't care for your reviews at the end telling me that they're no longer together, blah. Anyone with a pulse knows that they're no longer together…but people have asked for a Calzona fic, and that is what I'm giving those people. Nobody has asked you to read this, so feel free to NOT do that.
Enjoy…It's been a while.
Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
Scared To Be Lonely: One
ARIZONA'S POV
Last night was incredible. Being at home with my daughter for the first time in what feels like forever was the most amazing feeling in the world. I haven't really had the opportunity to sit down and think about Sofia coming home, and by the time I'd given myself five minutes, she was here. She was home. She is home with me. I know Callie and I agreed that we would share particular times of the year, but I thought it would never come around. I thought I would be forever waiting for her arrival. It feels like so long since the last time I held her, the last time I cuddled her. It feels like forever…but now that she is here, it's like she never left. Kinda strange, really. I'm not complaining, though. No way. I'll always want my daughter with me. I just wish there was another way for Sofia to be able to share the both of us without it taking a plane journey and a different time zone to do so. I wish things could be different. So different.
I haven't had the best time over the past few weeks, but it all seems irrelevant now. None of it matters now that Sofia is home. Eliza leaving me doesn't matter, and catching Carina with Owen doesn't matter. Honestly, there wasn't much there between Carina and I, but she was a welcome relief from the hurt I'd felt from Eliza's actions. She was awesome, amazing even, but I'm a mom. I'm a mom and I have a daughter to look after. I'll get my fun, but not with Carina De Luca. To be honest, I'm not sure I could keep up with her. To say she has a lot of energy is an understatement. She's a livewire, that's for sure. We haven't spoken since the night of Meredith's nomination, but there is no grudge to be held there. I'm single. She's single. She is free to do as she pleases. If Owen is that person for her, then great. Good luck to them both. I have to concentrate on myself, though. I have to concentrate on the daughter I've longed to see for way too long. No parent should ever have to spend that much time away from their child, but it was an arrangement.
Last night, Sofia said some things that stirred up a few feelings I didn't know I still had inside of me. Feelings about her other mother. She told me that she misses Callie, and instinctually, I told her I missed Callie too. I mean, I do…it wasn't a lie. I've always missed her in some way. She was such a big part of my life, so it's kinda hard not to miss her. Her infectious laugh. Those deep brown eyes that just drew you in. Most of all, though, I miss her friendship. I miss that undeniable connection we had with each other. Even when we divorced, there was still something there. Maybe not love, but definitely friendship. I'll always see my ex-wife as my friend, but that is where it ends. Callie got her happy ending with Penny, and I accept that. I accepted it a long time ago, and I moved on a long time ago. Regardless of what has happened between us, I could never hate her. Callie Torres is definitely someone who leaves a mark wherever she goes. There is no mistaking that. None whatsoever.
Settled at the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee, Sofia is still sleeping. Flying always takes it out of her, and today I have the day off so she can sleep as long as she needs to. There is no rush around here to do anything. Sofia is very like her other mother in the way that she sleeps. Down to the fact that she sleeps flat out on her stomach, arms and legs splayed towards all four corners of the bed. It's adorable to watch, but sometimes it brings back those memories I often try to suppress. I don't suppress them because I don't want to remember my life with Callie, but if I don't clear my mind of my past life, it only leaves me wondering what could have been.
I'd like to believe that we both made the right decision at the time, but I've often wondered if she walked away too soon. I mean, she hated the idea of therapy. She never wanted it to happen. Then at the end, when I realized that we had pretty damn good lives, she had a total change of heart. A change of heart so big that she ultimately walked away from me. From all that we had built together. From our family. That was the real killer for me. Knowing that Sofia would be passed between our homes hurt more than anything. It hurt because it's not what I ever imagined for our daughter. It hurt because it's not what I ever wanted to happen. Callie, however, felt differently. That's okay, though. It's okay because I'd never have expected her to carry on if she was unhappy. One thing I've never wanted for my ex-wife is unhappiness. We may have caused each other a world of pain at one point or another, but I never wanted her to be miserable. Thankfully, she isn't. She is happy and she is thriving in her new life with Penny in New York. It makes me feel better about everything that's happened, that's for sure.
"Mommy." A tired sleepy voice pulling me from my thoughts, I turn around to find my daughter standing at the bottom of the staircase.
"Hey, big girl." I smile. "You doing good?"
"Mm." She mumbles. Yep, that's Callie. "I'm tired."
"I know." Helping her up into the stool beside me, she slumps down. "You've had a busy weekend, huh?"
"When is Mama coming?"
"I don't know, Sof." Giving her a sad smile, she sighs and it breaks my heart. Callie told me Sofia was ready to come home. If she wasn't, she should have told me. I'd never make my daughter leave her if she didn't want to just yet. "Maybe you could call her later?"
"Can I?" Her eyes brighten a little. "I miss her."
"I know you do, sweetie."
"Do you still miss her?" She asks. "You said you do."
"Of course, I do." I agree. "But you have to remember that mama lives with Penny now."
"Don't want her to live with Penny." She crosses her arms over her chest. "Why can't she come home too?"
"New York is home now, Sofia." Climbing down from my seat, I pour her some apple juice and set it down in front of her. "But you know that you can visit anytime you like, and mama knows she can visit you anytime she likes, too."
"Can this be her home again?" She perks up a little. "If I ask and promise to be good?"
"No, baby." I come to stand in front of her and lift her up onto the counter. "Mama has lots of work to do in New York. She's super busy at the hospital. Penny, too. So, for now…New York is home."
"Okay." She shrugs. "I missed you, mommy." Her arms wrapping around my neck, I squeeze her tight and it's pretty amazing that she is here right now.
"I missed you too, Sof." Trying to keep my emotions in check, I clear my throat and pull back. "Breakfast?"
"Mmhmm…" She gives me one of her adorable smiles and crosses her legs. "You make the best pancakes."
"Oh, I do, huh?" Grabbing the ingredients from the cupboard I set it all down in front of us and she gives me a nod. "I guess I have some expectations to meet right now then."
"Hello?" A familiar voice filtering through my cell, I motion for Sofia to come and join me on the couch and she jumps up beside me. "Hey, Cal."
"Everything okay your end?" My ex-wife asks.
"Yeah. Someone is still a little grouchy because she's tired, but we're good here."
"I'm glad she's settled for you." She sighs. "Missing her a lot, though."
"Yeah. Sofia is feeling it, too." I admit. "Things will be okay, though. You know you can call or visit when you are able to."
"I know. I appreciate that." She replies. "Just…I'm sorry."
"For what?" I ask.
"Moving here. Turning her world upside down. Yours, too."
"You did what was best for you, Callie. Nobody can expect you to apologize for that. She's okay. She's good."
"You think we did good?" She asks, desperate for a little reassurance. "Honestly?"
"You know what? Yeah…I think we did."
"Makes me feel a little better hearing you say that," Callie responds, a hint of emotion in her voice. "Everything okay with you?"
"Yeah, you know…just working."
"You need to have a life, too, Arizona." She laughs. "Work isn't everything."
"Mm, work doesn't let me down on a daily basis, though." I counter. I like that we can still do this. We can still be friendly with each other. It means we didn't do everything for nothing. "Did you want to speak with Sofia?"
"I do, but I'm going to FaceTime her if that would be okay?"
"Of course, yeah." I smile. "She's here with me now…"
"Okay, give me a second and I'll call back." She replies. The call ending, my daughter furrows her brow and gives me a slight pout.
"Don't worry, big girl." Pulling her into my arms, she sits in my lap and a familiar sound flows around us. "Mama is calling you back." Hitting accept, my ex-wife's face appears on the screen of my cell and Sofia squeals with excitement.
"Mama!" She smiles.
"Hi, Mija." That signature smile warming my heart, I watch their interaction. Sitting out of view a little, Callie knows I'm here beside our daughter but this is their time. "Hi, Arizona."
"Hey, Cal." Clearing my throat, I settle back in my seat and allow my daughter this time with her other mother.
"Mama, I miss you." Sofia sighs. "Mommy said you can't come home, too…"
"Mama has some things to do here right now, Sofia."
"I know." Her little gaze dropping, it hurts my heart to see my daughter sad when she should be enjoying her time back home with me.
"Hey…" Callie whispers. "Mama will be there soon, though."
"Yeah?" Please don't lie to make our daughter feel better, Callie. "When?"
"It will be a surprise." She throws the miniature brunette beside me a wink. "But you have to behave for mommy, okay? She has missed you so much and she cannot wait to do all the fun stuff with you…"
"She misses you, too." My daughter shrugs.
"And I miss mommy." Callie smiles.
"Can I say hi to Penny?"
"She isn't here, baby girl." Callie clears her throat and something in her behavior changes.
"Is she working again?" My daughter rolls her eyes and it causes us both to laugh.
"I-I think so, yeah." She thinks so? What does that even mean? "Mama has to go now, but she will talk to you real soon, okay?"
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just pretty busy today." Callie shrugs. "Crazy busy."
"Okay…" Our daughter draws out. "Love you, mama." Blowing a kiss through the screen, Callie catches it and a smile instantly settles on my face. Adorable.
"I love you too, Mija. Bye Arizona."
"See ya, Cal." Our call disconnecting, Sofia hands my cell back over to me and nuzzles down on my chest. "You okay?" I ask, my fingers running through her hair.
"Mmhmm." She gives me a slight nod. "Love you, mommy."
"I love you too, Sof." Tightening my grip around her waist, I've never felt so at peace. I know my own life is constantly messed up, but this little girl gives me a reason to smile every day and that is all I will ever need in my life. No woman and no relationship could ever compare to this. Sure, it would have been nice to have a significant other here to meet Sofia, but at least this way, I get to have her all to myself. I get the uninterrupted time with my daughter. My daughter who has been gone for far too long.
A light knocking at my front door pulling me away from the surgery I'm studying, I furrow my brow and set my paperwork down beside me. Standing, I glance at the clock and it's a little before nine in the evening. Don't people know I have a child sleeping? Approaching the door, I'm a little shocked to find a particular woman on the other side. Unlocking it, I pull my door open and furrow my brow. "Everything okay?"
"Arizona, hi."
"Carina, why are you here?" I ask, not in the mood for fun and games right now.
"Can I come in and speak with you?" She asks. That Italian accent causing goosebumps to creep onto my skin.
"I guess so." I shrug and step to the side. "What's up?" I ask as she brushes past me and moves further into my home.
"What you saw the other night…" She gives me a sad smile. "It's no-"
"No." I cut her off. "You don't need to explain. You and I were just a little fun. You are dating Owen and that's okay. I have enough to contend with here without getting caught up in a love triangle."
"I'm not uh…dating him." She shakes her head. "He just, was there?" She raises her eyebrow and I give her a nod. "A little fun?"
"A little fun?" I tilt my head a little. "You were in his home in nothing. Amelia called me…"
"Ah, Si." She nods. "Your friends told you."
"Of course, they did," I state. "But it's okay. Sofia is home now and I have to concentrate on her."
"I missed you." She shrugs, her gaze dropping. Seems everyone is freaking missing me lately. "Could we start again?"
"I'm not sure that is a good idea…" I give her a sad smile. "I mean, are you even here to stay?"
"Seattle?" She asks. "I don't know yet. But I'd like to spend some time with you until I know more?"
"How about some coffee?" I ask.
"Si." She smiles. "Coffee is good." Taking a seat at the kitchen island, I fix us up some coffee and think about Carina's intentions. I don't understand why she is here. I don't know why she has shown up at my place when we haven't spoken in what? Almost two weeks… "I'm thinking of staying."
"That's good." I smile. "I'm sure the chief would love to have you around."
"But what about you?" She raises an eyebrow. "Would you like me to stay around?"
"Honestly…" I breathe out as I lean back against the counter. "I don't mind either way. My daughter is home Carina, and I don't have time for games. She is my priority. She is who matters to me most."
"Understood." She gives me a slight nod. "I was hoping we could pick up where we left off, though, no?"
"No." I give her a sad smile. "I mean, in a few weeks…maybe, but right now I have to concentrate on things at home."
"It's Owen, isn't it?" She asks.
"What about him?" I furrow my brow.
"Because I spent the night with him."
"No." I shake my head. "Who you spend the night with is none of my business. We aren't together…so no, Owen isn't the problem." Setting her coffee down in front of her, I give her a slight shrug and she watches me as I round the counter. "It's just how it is." My cell buzzing against the counter, I furrow my brow when I find Callie's name flashing on my screen. "Excuse me a moment?" Gaining a nod from the Italian sitting in my kitchen, I move into the living room and hit accept. "Hello?"
"Hey…"
"Callie?" I ask. "What are you doing calling this late? It's after midnight there…"
"I know." She sighs. "Just…could I talk to you for a little while?"
"Um…"
"Sorry, you are probably busy. Don't worry about it. I'll catch up with you some other time."
"No, just…I have someone here right now. Is everything okay?" I ask as I run my fingers through my hair. "You don't usually call this late."
"I just needed some advice on some stuff." She replies. "I'm sorry I interrupted your evening. I'll call Sofia tomorrow and see how she is doing."
"Sure." I smile. "Goodbye, Cal." The call ending, I furrow my brow and chew on my bottom lip. Heading back into the kitchen, I clear my throat and Carina glances my way. "Sorry, um…I have to make a phone call and I'm not sure how long it's going to take."
"No problem." She smiles. "I'll see you around the hospital, right?"
"Of course." I nod. "I'm so sorry, Carina. I just have to make this call."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." I wave off her question. "Just my ex-wife. She sounds like she needs a friend right now." Watching my 'kind of' ex head for the door, she pulls me into a hug and it actually feels quite nice. It's not often that we spend time together fully clothed, so yeah…this is a welcome change. "Take care, okay?"
"You too, Arizona." Seeing her out, I close the door and lock up for the night. Grabbing my coffee, I head to my couch and get myself comfortable. Callie didn't sound too great when she called a couple of minutes ago, and the fact that she called me says that she really needs someone. If I'm that choice for her, I'd never turn her away. I'd never dismiss her. Hitting a more than familiar number into my cell, the call connects and I'm thankful that she hasn't silenced my call.
"Arizona?" She asks.
"Yeah…sorry I just had to get rid of someone." I sigh. "I didn't want to take your call whilst they were here. You know, a little rude."
"Sure, but you didn't have to do that."
"What's up, Callie?" I cut straight to the chase. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything is packed up here…" She states.
"I don't follow…"
"Everything in my apartment is packed up." She repeats. "I'm just not sure it's a good idea."
"Why have you packed everything up?" I ask, my voice laced with confusion. "Are you going someplace?"
"Well, I think so." She clears her throat. "Just…tell me I'm doing the wrong thing and I'll unpack everything again."
"Again?"
"Yeah, for the third time." She laughs. "Pathetic, right?"
"Okay, but that doesn't explain what is going on…"
"I can't be here without Sofia." Her voice breaking, I want to wrap her up in my arms and tell her that our daughter is okay. "Penny has decided to stay on in New York and I can't do it."
"O…kay."
"But am I doing the wrong thing?" She asks. "I mean, I know in my heart I have to come back. I have to be close to her. Just…can you help me in some way?"
"Do you love Penny?" I ask. "I mean, you do because you wouldn't have ever left if you didn't, but do you love her enough to stay in New York and see Sofia so many times a year?"
"No." Her answer falling from her mouth faster than anything, she already knows the answer.
"Wow, okay." I breathe out. "Then you really don't need my help, Cal."
"Maybe long distance can wo-"
"I broke up with her." She cuts me off with another shocking answer. "Last week."
"W-Why?" I furrow my brow. "Can you not at least try to make it work? You left your life in Seattle for her, Callie. Surely there is something there."
"There was." She sighs. "Just…not enough."
"I don't know what you want me to say," I admit. "I mean, I didn't expect this conversation with you. You were happy, at least, I thought you were."
"I was." She agrees. "But Sofia is the most important thing in my life, Arizona. Yours too. I just…I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you just handed her over and lived your life without her close by."
"I didn't." I scoff. "At least, for the most part. But I learned to cope, Callie. I knew she was happy, so I was okay with it."
"Still…I don't know how you did it."
"Me neither," I reply. "But I think you need to think about this before you make any sudden decisions. You need to truly believe that you are making the right decision. Unfortunately, I cannot help you with that. As much as it hurts to say it…you aren't in my life anymore. I don't have any right to tell you what you should or should not do."
"I'm sorry." She sighs.
"Don't be sorry. Just make sure you know what you are doing before you refuse to unpack your stuff again. Penny was enough for you to leave everything you had here, so you have to think about this hard." That truly is all I can give her. "You know I'll always be your friend, but I'm not the kind of friend who can help you make this decision. I'm sorry."
"Thank you." She replies. "For being honest."
"It's why you called, right?"
"Yeah, but I wasn't sure you would even give me five minutes." She admits. "Does she make you happy?"
"Who? Sofia? Of course, she does. She is my baby, Callie."
"N-No." She clears her throat. "The woman who was just there."
"Why would you assume it was a woman?" I ask.
"Because I know you…and I could tell by your voice." Yeah, she knows me better than anyone. Myself included.
"Yeah." I smile. "She kinda does…but not enough to take my attention away from my daughter."
"And it really is as simple as that, huh?" Callie snorts. "Now I know why I called you."
"I don't know what that means, but you're welcome?" I hazard a guess. "Just…think about this, okay?"
"Yeah…" She breathes out. "Thanks."
"No problem. Take care, Cal. You will know what the right decision is when you really think about it. Either way, Sofia is okay and she will always be okay."
"Goodbye, Arizona."
"Bye, Cal." Ending the call, I take a moment to think about everything my ex-wife has just said. Sure, I know she is struggling to be away from our daughter right now, but I can also see why she believes she needs to leave. I even thought about heading to New York myself when they first left, but after I'd thought about it long and hard, I knew it wasn't as simple as just following my ex-wife and her relationship in order to be close to my daughter. I just had to manage. Survive, if you will. Work is what kept me going, and I'm hoping that Callie can use her own work and research to take her mind off of the possibility of returning. I know Sofia would love her other mother to be in the same city, and I would too, but she cannot just leave everything she has built there because she is hurting a little right now. Life doesn't work that way. Or maybe it does. I don't know.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.