Standing on the edge

Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Vampire Diaries don't belong to me. Credit goes to the rightful owners.

"I can't lose you."

I don't know how to hold on to a good thing. If I did then I wouldn't be on the brink of death, unforgiven and unloved.

"You won't"

She held my hands, covered them with her own and told me I wouldn't lose her. Why didn't I just listen? Why did I curse her into an eternity that she does not want…one that I'm about to lose? Why didn't I just let her hold me?

I knew it was irrational and that I would piss her off. But I believed it was inevitable that she would go down that path. It's only my blood. It's not the first time I've done it to her. Elena will forgive me eventually, like before…like always.

I was wrong.

"Get out of here. Get him out of here!"

The second I looked into her eyes, really looked, I knew I had done something unforgivable. Elena didn't want to be a vampire. She never did. Part of me wanted to throw that back to her face and make her doubt what she felt for my brother, that if she truly loved him, then why can't she fathom becoming like him if it meant forever?

But the only doubt I faced was my own. Maybe I don't love her after all. Do I even know how what that means? If I can take away her future just like that, do something that makes it as if I killed her myself, then how can I say I love her. If I screw up every single time I try to do right by her, then how can that possibly be love?

"She's already gone, Damon."

We were only welcome to try but there was never really any stopping Elena from giving herself up for everyone else she cared for. The same way I couldn't let her go, not without a fight and even if it meant going against Elena herself.

But even if I understood, those words were still the hardest to hear because it meant that she lied. I am going to lose her. Even if I try, this isn't something I can fix. And somehow the only thing I can do is fight the hopelessness that's threatening to overwhelm me.

"Why didn't he use me?"

I wanted to join the freaking ritual/sacrifice club. It would have meant I'd be right in the middle of it, which is the place to be if I wanted to screw it up and prove Klaus right in saying I am crazy and impulsive. He forgot to mention I'm damn proud of it too.

I want to watch his plans go up in flames simply because he jinxed it by using me as his backup, the one who destroys every good plan in sight by merely existing. Yes, that's me. I've mastered the art of falling apart and taking everyone else down with me. I was hoping just this once, I'd be able to use that for the common good, or at least for Elena's sake.

"Damon, he said you're already as good as dead."

I am. Denial is one of the stages of grief or something or the other. I didn't actually need Katherine to point it out. I knew the second Lockwood bit me. But I pushed it down and tried to bury since I'm a pro at that. But I can already feel the poison in my system and I know it's only a matter of time.

If Klaus planned all this, down to this very detail of Lockwood biting me, then I think he deserves a round of applause. He will have Elena die willingly and at peace with her decision. On the other hand, my death will be torture till I am nothing. And Stefan, he will suffer most of all because he will face a world knowing he wasn't the hero he thought he could be.

Maybe the delirium has started or maybe this is the last moment of clarity but as I looked at Katherine, I saw the girl from 1864 and I realized I never loved her either. I was obsessed with her. I wanted forever with her. I equated those with love because I didn't really have anything to compare it with to know that it wasn't. Not until Elena. Not until she believed in me and saw that I could be better, that I was someone worth saving. And now I might not be strong enough to do the same for her but I will try, even if it's just to buy her some time. Seems that's as far as I can go now. Stefan will have to be the hero in the end but I just want to give her something before my curtain call.

I want to do all that but right now I can't move. I can only stare straight ahead, numb yet somehow completely aware of the seconds that are ticking away. And I'm thinking…if only I can take back everything I ever did to hurt her. If only I never came into her life. If only she never called out my name. If only she never saved me. If only it's not pointless to hope she loves me. If only I can tell her I love her. If only she will believe me. If only I can die in her arms… then maybe it won't hurt so much when I let her go forever.