I can't remember the exact moment I lost my soul. It took me a while to even realise it wasn't there any more.
Some people would say I never had a soul. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. I've never been a nice kid, true, but there was a point where I was just a kid. You don't get by if you're just a nice kid, anyway. Dad always said 'nice guys finish last' and it's been a good life lesson so far. You have the freedom to be as nice as you want if you can justify silencing thousands of enemies, so long as you genuinely believe they weren't nice people. Either that, or you can talk people into doing whatever you want in your nice, pleasant voice. Don't think I haven't noticed that all the nice, (mostly) gentle, popular boys I meet who actually get anywhere in life tend to be psychic or best friends with psychics. I meet lots more kids who have nothing about them apart from a positive outlook on life and they're still stuck in their home towns, hiding from all the weird shit you see these days, unless they've already been done in by an unusually violent mouse.
Yes, you can say what you like about their questionable business practices, mum and dad taught me well. By the way, the rumours about them being heartless, abusive parents are a load of bull. Dad spanked me a lot and they were out of the house most of the time but that was true of everyone else's parents on our block as well. It meant they had high expectations of us and trusted us to be at least a little independent and resilient. At least I knew what my dad looked like and didn't think he was a damn phone when I was younger, like someone I could name.
I still had a soul after I saw the statue as well. Actually, I never spent much time around the statue. I could tell it meant big trouble just by looking at it, so I kept it covered unless I wanted to plant it on someone else and get them to the point where they did whatever I said. See, I had to find other means to stay alive, I couldn't just rely on psychic powers for everything. I still don't understand why every time I do anything out of the ordinary, it's creepy and wrong, but if Ness sets something on fire using psychic powers he was taught by messing around with his own dreams and the life force of the planet, it's cool and amazing.
Some people would say I lost my soul the moment I looked upon Giygas but that's not quite right. He wasn't that bad at first. Besides, he's said the same thing about me.
When I first got my hands on a Phase Distorter, that's a different matter. It was the first time I felt like I was doing something to myself that I really couldn't reverse. I knew I would have to leave my body behind for a while – at least, I hoped it was only for a while – and cope with being in a robot body. I didn't want to leave my own body unprotected, as you can't really trust anyone. (In fact, that was what I made the damn capsule for in the first place, but we'll get onto that later.) I didn't know what part of me would be left behind. I've never been religious – I've seen how a lot of supposed faith is just a con, like the Happy Happy Cult – so I didn't believe in a soul up until the point I realised I was losing mine. It seemed practical to think that something would endure, though, whatever you called it. Otherwise, the machine wouldn't work and I had already seen it working. Still, I was a little hesitant to separate out my soul from my body because I didn't know how it would feel inside a robot body, whether I would have any senses. I had heard about people going crazy from sensory deprivation (although sometimes it does give people psychic powers which could turn out useful).
Not that I was scared, of course. I was just being practical.
Okay, maybe when I started using the distorter it wasn't too bad. It wasn't fun existing in Giygas' realm, even when you knew you were in control (I was in total control back there, whatever anyone else might tell you). Maybe it just took its toll over all those years. Once you start messing around with time travel, it starts doing things to your sense of time. Not only do I not know how long I've been alive, I don't even know if the amount of time I've counted has really been the amount that's passed. I know that I'm a lot older than I should be, and not in the normal way people age either, and I suspect I've looped my own timeline at least five times by accident. I've done something very bad to my own body by spending too long out of it. Some of the things I've done to preserve it haven't been pretty either. I'll admit it has to have affected my mind as well. As for my soul… at that point, I still don't know. I just suspect that I'd damaged it a few times too often.
It was all necessary to survive, though. I couldn't have stopped using the distorter. It's not like I have any other way of travelling through space and time, and I was constantly on the run. There are interplanetary authorities, you know, things that the monkeys stuck on Earth just don't see. They don't approve of a lot of things I'd done that I had no idea were anything more than harmless pranks: getting involved with Giygas, spreading psychic powers on planets where it hasn't evolved, causing time paradoxes, committing mass genocide… look, the mass genocide wasn't even my fault! I didn't know that it was lethal to those particular species! Anyway, they didn't believe me either, and being barred from every single point in space and time that you visit can really start to limit your options in life.
I think the Capsule did something bad to my soul as well. It was designed to keep me alive by any means possible. The trouble with that was, I was already in a pretty bad way. There's only so long that even the most advanced life support systems in the Universe can keep a body going when it's already been alive for the last thousand years in a state so temporally messed up that it probably shouldn't logically exist. I think it may have started looking for other ways to keep me alive, ways that didn't involve my body. I woke up quite a few times knowing that I'd died. I wasn't in my body. It felt exactly like the few seconds between leaving your body and being uploaded into the robot. I can't lie to you, it used to scare me shitless each time, but when I was in the Capsule it happened so often that I started to get used to it.
The machine could make mistakes, though.
I can only guess that it was trying to reincarnate me but couldn't find anything suitable as a body. When I said I was getting used to being out of my body, I didn't meant that I was okay like that. Not only was it still screwing with my mind a lot, I kind of had an idea that it was putting a strain on my soul. I can't explain what that feels like. You sort of get an idea that you still exist, then suddenly you feel like you're less. Maybe a mind and a soul are the same thing and I could feel my mind going. Whatever the case, I knew that the Capsule had been looking for another body for me. I was allowed to see through the window, sometimes, when the Capsule decided it was safe to look. That was how I knew it was moving, and unless it was in extreme danger, there was no reason for it to move unless it was looking for something it needed. It had enough fuel, so it must have been looking for something it needed for me.
It succeeded in the reincarnation – sort of – but it didn't manage to keep me inside the Capsule at the same time. I think it couldn't quite tell what it was reincarnating me as, other than that it was healthy and didn't already have a soul inside it, and accidentally chose something that it couldn't move without killing it. So, that's how I got free. I'm almost not sure if it was worth it. Almost.
It sucks to be rooted to the soil, but I've found ways to move around a little. Not my body, but these things can jump their souls from body to body at will. That's the reason there was a vacant one to begin with – they don't always have all the bodies occupied at once. Of course, the others try to kick me out each time, and I've accidentally damaged a few of the bodies in the fights, but I've grown pretty good at defending myself. I think the Capsule is still manipulating me a little, or it's left something within me that I can't get rid of. For instance, I know when a place is unsafe for me to go – places like the exit, where the light shines from. I thought plants liked the light, but then, I'm not exactly the same as an ordinary plant.
What's worse, there's someone in here with me and I can't kick them out. The Capsule can't save me entirely from whatever it is that I've done to my soul, and it sometimes feels like it's getting weaker. I try and avoid things that might kill me these days, even though I'm used to being unkillable. It helps that the other person in here knows… things. I've heard Paula talk about things like this before – I've heard rumours that it was the knowledge that saved them in their fight against Giygas - but I don't think that people are generally supposed to be aware that this whole realm of knowledge even exists. That's why I try and co-operate with the annoying fool. Okay, so I try and manipulate him while learning about these things on my own, so I can grow in power enough to get rid of him for good. Then maybe I'll be strong enough to get out of here.
I know I've got it in me. Even if 'it' isn't a soul. It doesn't matter. I can always take someone else's.