Universe and Me
Chapter 1 – Universe at Work
How your reality can change….
Tricia is a regular woman going about her daily chores as she has done for countless years; today is going to change everything she has come to call regular.
It is a beautiful Sunday afternoon and she has wanted to settle down and unwind with a good book or a movie all week. She decides a movie it is. She rented a few movies from the rental store two weeks ago and finally she is going to watch them in peace.
Tricia's life is as regular and uneventful as most people. She works as a business consultant with a financial organization in the business and financial district in Toronto, Canada. Her husband of seven years, Tony, is a nice man.
Their relationship has gone through difficult times for a while now, just as most people, Tony believed if they stayed together they might regain what they had in the beginning. They have spoken in the past when Tricia mentioned to Tony she felt there something major missing from their relationship. There is nothing emotional for her in the relationship anymore. She knows she is no longer in love with him; she has grown to see him as a good friend. He claims to love her still.
Her feelings have changed for the past three years; what could she do? This is what she has come to know - her friends playing happy couples, organizing alternating family dinners every third night, and movie-nights every week. What could she do?
Today though, Tony has gone out with his friends for most of the day and Tricia has the house to herself. She is planning on enjoying every minute of it. She puts in one of the DVDs and settles down with a small bowl of popcorn as per she's watching her weight mantra. This movie "Think" is the latest movie from the actor Wesley Winfrey.
She has watched this particular actor for years and thinks he is good, even though she believes she could teach him a thing or two in some of his movies. She has watched a few of his movies and she is beginning to feel he does not like any kissing scenes. She hopes this movie would not be one where her conversation with him starts early in the movie; not a good sign. Wesley Winfrey has a new movie coming out soon, Tricia heard. She has not seen this latest movie, and knows it's a good time to see it before the new one comes out. Tricia considers herself an undercover film critic, as Tony tells her and everyone else who cares to listen. She is going to watch the movie and try not to critic it - till it is over. From the get go, she knew, not critiquing will definitely not an option; half way through the movie, she gives up trying not to critic and starts her discussion with Wesley. He is kissing his co-star like he does not want to; his co-star is doing the same.
"What is wrong with you guys," she says in exasperation?
She gets up to get herself a drink when something on the screen stops her dead in her tracks. She is looking at him, as if she is seeing him for the first time. Something is not as it should - she feels a connection to this person on the screen, why? This is weird!
Every woman knows when she starts to fall for someone, she might play it coy, she knows. Everyone knows when they feel something for someone; she feels an attraction to this person on the TV screen - she's going mad! How can she be attracted to a film actor, who does things resembling this? Maybe crazy people; she is "normal". Where is this coming from? With DVD paused she decides to go for a walk. Thoughts are running wild in her head. She has seen him in countless movies, why is this one different and why is she feeling like this for him? Maybe it's because she has not looked at another man for years and something in her just decided to focus on him. Yes, and this too will pass, Tricia thinks to herself amused. Some people believe in love at first sight; this is not first sight, she has seen him in multiple movies, and this cannot be love…what is special this time? She's a reasonable girl; she does not have celebrity cravings, nor does she have a favourite actor, actress or musician. She goes to concerts for the music and because there are no restrictions on the volume of sound of the music.
She decides to go for a walk; however, the walk did not help her current state of mind. Whoever said a walk will clear your head has never walked with something bothering them before. Tricia would like to meet the person and give them a piece of her mind.
She comes back home and turns on the TV to watch the news. A popular TV show host named Nicole O'Donnell, who as it happens and the world knows, is a dear friend of Wesley's is on. She turns the TV off and goes to her garden, and sits there wondering where these feelings which are pulsating through her are coming from. This is probably a momentary thing; it will go away after a few hours; no need to worry, she tells herself.
When there is an attraction between you and someone, you either want to see or to talk to them compulsively. She really wants to finish the movie, not because she cares for the plot or the acting; she wants to see him. She decides not to give into her compulsion to watch the movie. Whatever these feelings are, they are bothering her!
She grabs her car keys and not sure where she wants to go, decides to go for a drive. After driving around for an hour, she decides she will visit to her friend Janet.
Janet is her "best friend". They have known each other for 10 years now. They have been close since the first day they met; Tricia attended both of Janet's children birth. And Janet attended Tricia wedding. Janet's children are crazy about her because she buys them whatever they ask for, in return, she asks for good behaviour. It works most of time, until there is a need to re-enforce the threats. Usually blackmailing works if their behaviour changes from good to not-so-good she thinks with a smile.
She gets to Janet's house and smiles because of the children; they should take her mind off the now annoying thoughts running around in her head. Tricia considers herself a rational person; these thoughts though are far from rational - how can she feel something for someone she does not know, has never met, and has absolutely no chance of meeting?
Tricia rings the doorbell, and waits for Janet to answer.
"What the heck is wrong with you?" Tricia asks out loud.
Janet hears her as she opens the door and asks, "What?"
"Sorry, just talking to myself," says Tricia.
"I've never known you to talk to yourself – what's up?" says Janet.
"Oh, nothing, it's just something bugging me now."
"Trish, what is going on? Is it Tony?"
"No, it's not Tony, he is fine." replies Tricia.
"What's the matter?" asks Janet.
"It'll pass, trust me!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yep, I'm sure!" Tricia answers.
Tricia has always been the one helping others solve their problems, now she has what she thinks might be a problem of her own, she does not know how to solve it. Tricia focuses on the children and it does take her mind off the issue; she knows she will have to deal with it sooner or later because it is still lurking somewhere in her subconscious. After spending the rest of the day with Janet and the children she said her goodbyes and walks to her car.
As soon as she gets in the car, the thoughts she has avoided come flooding back. Why have feelings for someone I have seen countless times before? Why now? Why him? Why me? Why suddenly? She starts to get angry with herself for allowing such thoughts to come in and take residence in her head. The two of them meeting is less than zero; the chance he would have feelings for her is far less than zero.
You sure know how to make things complicated, don't you Trish, she thinks to herself as she drives home? Tricia drives in silence, no radio, no music only the consuming powers of attraction to Wesley Winfrey; the thoughts feel like nuclear booms going off in her head. She actually likes this person! How can she like this person she's never met?
Maybe she should go see the doctor. What will she say? I need medication to prevent me from having extremely strong feelings for someone I have never met!?
Tricia arrives home to see Tony's car in the driveway; she stands out there for a few minutes, takes a deep breath and goes inside with a smile plastered on her face. Tony is watching the movie which drove her out of the house and he asks her to join him. As she runs up the stairs, she gives him some excuse about being tired and wanting to go take a bath as the children soiled her clothes. She goes to their bedroom, stands there and thinks, what has become her life. She takes off her clothes, walks into the shower, and as the water comes down so do the tears. She sits on the shower floor and lets the tears come.
After her shower, she puts on a smile and goes downstairs to sit with Tony. The DVD is over and he tells her how good the movie is.
"Next time we have to watch it together," he says.
"Sure, it would be great," she replies as she cringes inside.
He talks about his day and asks her how her day went. Tricia smiles and says "My day turned out good; I spent most of it with Janet and the children."
Tony continues to talk; Tricia makes every effort to keep up with what he is saying. Tony gets up and gets his computer bag on his way upstairs; "I'm going to take a shower, meet me in the bedroom," he says with a wink.
She knows exactly what it means. Interpretation of wink - sex tonight!
She smiles at him and says, "I will be upstairs in a few."
Tricia has heard and read statistics of women in her current position. She sits there for thirty minutes, trying to understand what she is feeling. After sitting there and coming up with no rational for her feelings, she gets up to pack lunch for work tomorrow. Tony calls to her to come to bed.
"In a minute," she replies as she finishes packing lunch and goes upstairs to Tony.
She tries the "I have a headache" excuse, it doesn't work. After seven years of marriage he knows when she is trying to wiggle out of not giving it up! She feels it is a big part of her wifely duties, and why not? It might just put this silly business behind her. She'll make love to her husband and their passion will wipe away any doubts or feeling she thinks she has for someone else. How silly of her, she laughs on the inside, to think something like this is possible in life. He is rich, famous and talented; and there are enough women in Hollywood to keep him occupied. He does not go for people like me; he goes for the Hollywood types, after all one of his best friends is Nicole O'Donnell.
Tony and Tricia start to make love; her feelings for Wesley will not go away. The more she tries to focus on Tony, the more aware she is aware of her feelings for Wesley. She feels bad because a part of her feels like she is cheating on Wesley. Tony notices something is wrong and makes excuses for her, which makes her feel even worse.
She kisses him and says "I'll make it up to you tomorrow."
As she lays her head down, tears start streaming down her face; she thinks, what is happening to me? What if today never happened? What if I didn't watch the movie? What if I loved Tony? What if, what if, what if…
This is crazy, she feels like a crackpot. Stalkers do things like this, not a rational person! Tricia eventually falls asleep after hours of lying there trying to stay still and not disturb Tony in the process.
6:00 o'clock in the morning and the alarm goes off. It is go-to-work time, no time to waste. It is the usual morning routine: take a shower, grab a packed lunch, say a quick "have a good day", and get out the door.
Driving to work in the morning, Tricia ponders why this is happening to her. Yes, the love has gone out her marriage; she is dealing with it. She needs her mother to talk to now; she is no longer here.
Tricia's mother, Rebecca passed away one year ago. If not for the fact life goes on, Tricia has not being dealing with her loss well. For Tricia, her mother meant everything to her, not because she gave birth to her, they lived as best friends. She could tell her mother everything; there are no secrets between Tricia and her mother. Rebecca knew her issue with Tony, and she asked Tricia to try to see if she could find something in Tony to fall in love with again. Rebecca also advised Tricia, if after trying everything she can and still feels no different; knowing in her heart she could not live with Tony anymore, to talk to him and try to start her life all over again. She said happiness is worth fighting for; if Tricia feels she does not have it with Tony anymore, to try to finds it elsewhere. If she finds what she is looking for, to fight for it, and never give up on it.
She never showed or felt disappointment from her mother. Even in Tricia's toughest times, her mother always stayed by her. No matter what Tricia did, her mother never left her. She was the constant in Tricia's life. Not everybody in the world is fortunate enough to have a mother like Tricia's. She feels she did not appreciate her mother as much as she should have when she was alive. she feels a deep sense of loss and emptiness without her mother. These two feelings makes it hard for her to deal with her loss.
Tricia's mother's passing was the most difficult time in her life. In the past year, she still has not come to terms with her passing. She needed her mother now, because Rebecca most often knew the right thing to say, how to make Tricia understand even if it is not what Tricia wanted to hear. Rebecca was Tricia's support in everything. Now in her most venerable time when she needs her mother the most, she is not here anymore, she is permanently gone.
The pain of her mother's absence is excruciating in this moment. The last time she felt this lonely and alone, was when she lost her mother. Tricia cries throughout the long drive to work.
Five months after finally coming to terms with the fact she is in love with a stranger, Tricia comes across a contest being promoted by Wesley's friend Nicole O'Donnell. Nicole is coming to Toronto to promote her show and there is a contest for tickets to attend the live show taping. Tricia enters the contest every day for the duration the contest. She feels she has nothing to lose since being close to a friend of his, is the next best thing. After all she has certified herself crazy.
As the days and weeks come and go, she realizes she has falling in love with someone who does not know she exists, let alone fall in love with her. She feels like the world is conspiring against her, as she thinks back and remembers the books and magazines she has read where this type of thing happens to other people; now, this is happening to her! Tricia lives with the fact she is in love with an illusion. This is how it feels living with someone and loving someone else? She is coming into the realization she has possibly falling for an actor on the screen, a person she sees in movies and doesn't know. She did not envision her life, playing out this way. She will marry for love and live in-love for the rest of her life. How did this happen? How can the universe be this cruel as to allow this type of scenario play itself out in her life? Tricia feels she might as well resign to the fact; maybe the universe is waiting to see how she is going to handle this. The universe is playing games with her emotions, while sitting back and waiting for her next move?
A month later she receives a congratulatory e-mail indicating she won the last ticket and the taping will be in two weeks.
When she applied for the tickets, it looked like a good idea at the time; now she is not sure. Why bother, she asks herself. Being close to his friend is nothing, you are just close to his friend - nothing more.
She decides on giving the ticket away, and she asks Janet if she wants it. Janet tells her to go and enjoy herself adding, "You've been kind of weird for a little while now, go and have some fun."
"Maybe I just will," Tricia says.
Tricia decides to go to the taping. She takes time off work to attend the show as the taping is in the morning. Ironically the topic of the talk show is "Getting to know the real you." The show is how knowing the real you can change your life completely. The underlying message of the show is, understanding what your purpose in life is and believing in yourself enough to get to your destined destination.
Tricia listens attentively, holding on to every word spoken. Tricia sits there and listens to the experts tailoring every words to her own life. Tricia looks at the faces in the audience; she believes every person in this audience believes the same is true for them too.
Other audience members ask questions of Nicole; Tricia just sits there and ponders how she has fallen for someone who does not know she exists. Now she is sitting here listening to Nicole answer questions from the audience on getting to know their real self? She has many questions for herself: Do I know my real self? Can I cope and deal with my real self? What if my real self wants to do things which will scare the scrap out of me? Questions, questions and more questions!
After the taping is over, the part of the audience who won tickets gets to meet and greet with Nicole O'Donnell. Tricia feels uncomfortable during the meet and greet session; she decides not to get involved. She did not want to make eye contact with Nicole and steps back every time Nicole comes close to talk to her.
Before the meet and greet is over, Tricia is the first to leave the studio. She feels suffocated in the studio and wants to get some fresh air. She sees a side door, opens it and steps outside. Once outside she takes a deep breath and sits on the steps outside the studio door. The woman sitting by Tricia during the taping calls out to her.
"Hey! Are you alright?"
"Yes, just feeling a bit nauseous," replies Tricia.
The woman walks up to Tricia and says, "Hi, my name is Muna, nice to meet you."
Tricia looks at her and replies, "My name is Tricia, nice to meet you too."
Muna proceeds to sit by her side and initiates a conversation. Muna tells Tricia she is from the Middle East and coming to this show is her way of showing her independence to her family. Her daughter enters her for the contest; Muna should go out and mingle with other women. They thought she would not go to this show.
Muna continues talking and it feels like she could not stop; she tells Tricia about her arranged marriage and how she did not have a say in who she married. She grew to love him though; she has always been in love with another; someone she calls her forever love.
Muna's forever love was her teenage sweetheart. Her parents wanted her to marry her present husband, because he had plans to go abroad and would take her with him. Muna's parents wanted her to start a new life in a different country and her husband looked perfect to meet the goal.
It is amazing how women meet and in a few minutes they talk to each other like they have known each other most of their lives. Here is Muna, someone she has only just met, telling her life story. Muna tells Tricia if they gave her the chance, she would be with her forever love, for only one night, if it is for nothing else, just to say goodbye.
Tricia sits there and stares at this woman who has no problem letting Tricia see her vulnerability, her issues, and her secrets. Muna tells Tricia, she has carried these thoughts with her for years and Tricia is the first person she has told them to.
"Why would you do this - I mean, why would you want to spend a night with him?"
"I never stopped loving him," Muna replies.
Muna continues telling Tricia her theories with regards to her forever love.
"For every marriage you see, quite a few would choose to have one night with their forever love if the chance presented itself. There are few women who don't have a forever love. Heck, there are a lot of men out there who would do it for their forever love too – don't think it's only us women! No, my dear, men too have such thoughts. Some will cheat and want to leave; because of family and societal constrains, they will stay in their unhappy situation."
"I've come close to leaving my husband, Muna continues. I know it would be a suicidal act, because of where I come from in the Middle East; I would darn the consequences to spend the rest of my life with my forever love. If you've ever been in love, honestly in love, you will understand."
"Love means more than just wanting to make love to the particular person most the time, or looking for someone to always be there no matter what; love is feeling half alive without the person, love is feeling like there is something missing till you meet that person and feeling complete at last; love is feeling a connection like nothing else you have ever felt and much, much more. From the day I left him, my life changed. My parents knew it, and saw it; what they wanted for me though, overrode what they thought I felt for my forever love."
"My mother told me once, she knew and felt my pain; she had to do what she had to do, for my sake. Ten years into my marriage with two kids in tow, my mother apologized to me for taking my love from me. I told her I understood why she did it; her apologies will never make up though, for the loss of my love. Love especially if reciprocated, transcends every other human emotion. If you find true love, nothing in this world is worth losing it over. Hold on to it, fight for it, do whatever you have to do to keep it, because it does not come around often. Sometimes we hear women who leave their husbands and go with some other man and society call those women names; some of my mother's friends did something similar in the past and they had to go into hiding for most of their lives because they brought shame to their families. I understand now; I almost did the same thing."
Muna continues with her story, "Ten years into my marriage and I still pine for him; my husband knows how I feel for my forever love. We have occasionally spoken of him over the years; a few years back, after our last argument, his name was never mentioned again. I'm telling you this, because of the topic today. Getting to know the real Muna is not the issue - the issue is how to contain the real Muna. If I get to know my real self, my real self would want me to go to my forever love, darning the consequences and deal with whatever happens. This is the kind of person my real self is. I don't think the world is ready for the real Muna." she says with a chuckle.
Tricia too, knows who her real self is, and she is not sure she wants her out here either. Tricia is crying silently as Muna is speaking. Muna stops talking and looks at her.
"I'm sorry for laying this on you, I don't know what came over me, I just felt compelled to speak and you are here to listen. Are you ok?" Muna asks.
"No, I'm not!" Replies Tricia.
The floods of tears come. Now it is Tricia's feels compelled to say things she had not told anyone. Tricia starts the story from the fateful day with the "Think" DVD. She tells Muna how she loves him in the privacy of her heart, visualizes him being with her, and how she believes in what she sees. Why she believes in it, is a mystery to her, she believes! There is always doubt it could not happen for her; it is too improbable.
She tells Muna, she feels like she is crazy - she is crazy to fall hard for someone she does not know and who does not know her either; she feels compelled to come to the studio just for the host Nicole O'Donnell, because she is a good friend of Wesley.
"I had to do this, I honestly don't know why! What kind of person does this? I feel like a certified lunatic; no normal person does this!" she repeats.
Tricia cannot stop the tears; the pent-up anguish of not being able to tell anyone her secret for the last six months gets to her. Tricia is honest in everything she tells Muna. There is a comforting disposition around Muna, which makes it easy for Tricia to talk to her.
Tricia tells Muna her marriage has gone wrong a long time ago and how she has started thinking of leaving Tony. She knows now, what it is, to truly love someone; because she knows now, she does not want to settle for less anymore. She tells Muna, Tony is a nice man and if she left him, it would devastate him. The question now is, who is she suppose to live for, Tony or for herself?
Tricia remembers the promise she made to her mother during her funeral; she has to make herself happy because no one knows tomorrow. She is going to live her life and enjoy as many happy days as humanly possible. She also remembers her mother saying, "Given half a chance for a do over, I would have chosen, happiness instead of the other choices I made."
Now, Tricia's happiness might bring someone she loves as a friend, heartache. Why is life so darn complicated? Whichever way she decides to go one person will get hurt. It will either be Tony or herself.
"Wesley is not the issue now. The issue is whether I want to go on with my loveless marriage or strike out on my own and try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Striking out sounds great, but where do I start?" Tricia asks Muna.
Muna moves closer and hugs Tricia, "You will be fine, you'll see."
After what feels like a long time, Muna steps back from the hug, "We have to go somewhere to let our hair down, do you know somewhere downtown where we could go?"
Tricia suggests a lounge she knows is nice.
They arrive at the lounge and the atmosphere is contagious, everybody looks happy. Not wanting to analyze too much on whether it is the free-flowing alcohol or the music, causing the euphoria, Tricia and Muna dive right in.