A/N: First in the series of oneshots (hmm...oxymoron?) centred around Remus and Sirius. Slash if you squint, nothing actually mentioned. Some chapters will be slightly AU, this one included. Artistic license!
Disclaimer: I own nothing as per usual.
You can't understand until you've been there. No one can. The old wooden door slammed open and he staggered out into the cobbled street only to trip and land hard on his knees a moment later. Letting out an anguished yell that had nothing to do physical pain, he screamed obscenities hoarsely at the sky until he was sobbing too hard to go on. The unending grief was tearing apart his soul; this was the end. There couldn't be anything more than this.
He left the steady downpour soak him to the skin, his wild hair plastered to his face. The dirt and blood that had been smeared across his cheeks was washed away as his tears mixed in with the rainwater. Footsteps splashing in the puddles behind him made him swing round, his wand pointed directly at his friend's heart. Remus knelt down in the road beside him, feeling too numb himself to offer any comforting words. Because there was nothing to say.
Sirius dropped his wand and it clattered in the darkness, out of reach. "I'm going to kill him, Remus."
There was no adolescent anger behind the words, Remus could see in those wild grey eyes that the man before him was 100% serious and he felt something harden within him as he nodded. The last of his heart maybe? "I'll come with you."
The eyes pierced him again and he let out a humourless bark of laughter. "Sod off, Remus."
He felt a flash of anger and abruptly got to his feet.
"I'm coming with you," he repeated. The rain beat harder down on them as they stared each other out. Finally Sirius staggered to his feet. The huge amount of firewhiskey consumed that night had done nothing in his favour. He couldn't drink away the memories: that scrawny git who'd dropped down in the seat next to him on the first day; the light glinting off Lily's hair in the summer sun; watching them both tear up at the altar and - though he hotly denied it - feeling the tears brimming himself.
"You really believe it wasn't me?" he said unsteadily. He lunged forwards and grabbed Remus by the collar.
"Why?" he demanded desperately.
"Because I know you, Padfoot," his friend replied helplessly. "I know you loved them, just like I did."
Sirius, still clutching at him, laughed again. "Oh no, you're wrong, Remus. I killed them. I might as well have cast the spell myself."
"You couldn't have known-"
"YES I COULD!" he bellowed, flecks of spit flying into Remus's face. "I should have known never to trust that rat bastard with something so important! He was never one of us, yet I trusted him over ... over you."
Remus stared straight ahead as Sirius broke down again, sobbing into his shoulder. The truth was more agonising than the Cruciatus Curse at times. He'd trusted the three of them with his deepest darkest secret back in second year, that should have been enough. How could he betray the people who stood by him when not even his parents dared to?
"Forget about it," he replied stiffly. Now was not the time to tell him, that there was a time back there when he had his doubts about Sirius as well. But he knew what his true feelings really had been. Jealousy. Sirius and James had a bond that he had never been a part of and it had burned away for months before Dumbledore had taken him aside. Had it been months? Or years? Not that it mattered now. He had Sirius all to himself, he thought bitterly. He knew he had acted like a spoilt child during that time, no doubt the reason the doubts over his loyalty had risen in the first place.
So, in reality, it was his fault.
He hadn't realised he'd whispered the words aloud until he saw those grey eyes staring up at him again.
"Let's kill him, Remus," he rasped. "Tonight."