The Day Steve Was Kidnapped
(Yet another ridiculous Resident Evil fanfic.)
Other stories by me (Cap'n Misato) (all listed under comedy, by the way. And they're ordered from first fic to latest fic.)
A Day In The Life of Brad Vickers
How Sherry Became Retarded
Untitled (Based on a comic I wrote) Dario is a Terrible Writer and Salesman MTV Fear: RE Style!
Steve-lovers, Brad-lovers, feel free to flame. It doesn't make a difference.
Steve gets kidnapped, Brad is a gay superhero, Cops, WHAT'S NEXT?! (Dunna dun. Read on.
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Steve woke up and threw the covers off of his bed as he sat up in his pajamas, smiling brightly. He threw the shutters of his bedroom window open, sunlight pouring into the dim room. It was yet another glorious day! Steve opened the window and poked his head out, stretching out his arms and yawning. He smiled for the warm day, birds chirping. butterflies around, the sky crystal blue... "Oh! Yet another wonderful day in the life of Steve Burnside!" He cried out before a short laughter. A warm breeze came, ruffling his brown hair a bit. He put his finger out, a bluebird landing on it. They sang together, before the bird went ballistic. It flew off of Steve's finger and at his face at godspeed, pecking and clawing his face while shrieking loudly. Steve screamed in horror as more and more birds came, attacking him. He fell backward in his room and rolled around before slapping them all off. They flew out the window-- one coming back and shitting on his favorite teddybear. He cried out in horror.
A few hours later, Steve emerged from his bedroom wearing his regular attire (Think Code Veronica.), and pranced down the staircase. He stumbled over his pet cat, before falling down the stairs. "AHHH!!" cried Steve as he painfully flew down the polished wooden staircase. He had noticed the bad luck he'd been having for the past few hours, but didn't think anything of it. He stood up with a bloody nose, spitting out a tooth and prancing toward his kitchen as he happily sang.
He carefully cracked the eggs onto the pan, singing to himself as he wore a pink apron with laced ends around his waist. "Breakfast time! I just KNOW today is going to be another wonderful day!" He walked away from the stove, smiling brightly as he rummaged through the cabinets for some pepper. " 'Cause it's a thrilllaaa... thriller night, you're fighting for your life inside a, chiller, diller, th-- hmmm?" Steve stood up straight, smelling something burning. "The eggs!!!" He whipped around, crying as he saw the stove was on fire. "Oohh! Now the whole gang can't have my wonderful breakfast!" He ran like hell toward the stove, and when he tried to fix the problem the oven mit on his hand caught fire. He shrieked as he looked at his burning hand and arm, protected temporarily by the mitten. Smoke alarms began to go off throughout the countryside house, and Steve dropped to the floor screaming and crying while he rolled around. "Daddy always said-- stop, drop, and roll!" Steve cried out loud to himself, trying to regain his confidence. He paused. "Da--Da--Da... DAAADDDYYY!!!! AWAAAAAAAAAA!" He began to cry, memories of his father returning.
Meanwhile, Leon had had his door ajar upstairs. He slowly woke up, wiping some drool away from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. Smoke alarms were going off like mad throughout the house, and he saw a hazy cloud of smoke heading up the stairs. He jumped out of bed, fearing the worst. He began to run toward the staircase when he heard Steve's cries and screams. He stopped short in his tracks, stood there for less than a second before walking back to his room and passing out. Not only Leon had awoken (but he was asleep now), but so had Chris. He growled absent-mindedly as he jumped out of bed. "Shit shit shit! Lazy ass bastards, what's going on down THERE?!" Chris thought to himself. He saw the smoke heading up the stairs and the shrill cries of the smoke alarm in the hallway. "Holy shit! FIRE!" He then heard Steve screaming. He raced toward Claire's room and kicked her door open. Claire sat up swiftly, looking away from the TV and toward Chris, half- asleep. "Claire! I think there's a fire downstairs!" He paused, scowling. "I hear Steve screaming down there. GO HELP! You can do it!" Claire stared at him silently before narrowing her eyes softly, yawning. "Look, Chris. You know it's YOUR turn to take care of Steve, we all discussed that two days ago. Now go!" Chris stomped in fury, before swinging around. "Oh, and close the door behind you." Chris slammed the door shut, and Claire turned back to the TV. It seemed that "When Good Homosexuals Go Bad" was back from commercials. Chris heard the television as he swiftly ran down the hall. Chris raced downstairs to see Steve rolling around like an asshole on the floor, screaming. The stove was on fire, and so was Steve's arm. He grabbed the fire extinguisher near the entrance of the kitchen. "Most important stuff comes first!" He raced toward Steve.
Steve saw Chris, his eyes widening with joy and hope as he shouted. "Chris! Oh, thank God, it's you!" He coughed, and then saw Chris with the fire extinguisher racing toward him. "Oh, Chris! You've come to SAVE me! My savior, how can I ever pay.. you.. back?!" Chris jumped over him, and Steve watched as he extinguished the fire on the stove. "CHRIS! HELP ME! GAAAHHH!!" He rolled around some more, screaming as his skin began to feel intense heat. Chris turned away from the oven and began to clear the smoke in the room before remembering Steve. Chris glared back over his shoulder and walked to Steve, completely covering him in foam from the fire extinguisher. Steve was beyond thankful. He pulled the burned mitten off of his hand and brushed the foam out of his eyes. "CHRIS! You've given me a NEW OUTLOOK on life! Thank you! Thank you!" Chris was already halfway up the stairs. He waved Steve off, audibly muttering "Yeah.. sure.. right." Yet again, Steve had failed to make breakfast. Chris looked at the clock, going to lay down-- but it was already 8, so he figured he'd stay up. Anyway, there was no way in hell he'd fall back asleep.
Later that morning, around 9 o'clock, everyone had woken up. Chris and Jill were in the living room, Claire sitting around outside, Leon wearily sitting in the kitchen, Brad on the toilet.... ...Riiight. The doorbell rang, and Steve lifted his head from the notebook he was drawing kitty-cat's and hearts in, and shouted, "I`ll get it!" He jumped up from his seat and frolicked toward the living room, toward the door. Steve slowed to a halt at the door. "Who is it?!" He cried gleefully. A man cleared his voice, but it was still gruff, and he had some sort of accent. Steve recognized it as an Italian accent. "Eh, I gots a pasta delivery wit' some pizza..." Steve looked around a little bit, not remembering ordering any Italian food. But he guessed one of his housemates had. "Ooh! Joy!" Steve threw the door open, smiling and batting his eyelashes before the man grabbed him and pulled him outside. "HELP ME! AHHH!!!" Steve yelled, flailing his thin arms furiously as the man dragged him toward a limo. "Chris, My savior! Jill! Claire! Leon! BRAD, for Christ's sake, HELP ME!!!" He was pulled into the limo, the squealing of it's tires as it took off enough to attract Chris' attention. He looked out the window and saw Steve's foot sticking out from the ajar window of the limo, before it was pulled in the car and the deeply tinted window was closed. "Oh God, he did not just..."
Steve Burnside had been kidnapped by the Mafia.
And since it was Chris' turn to take care of Steve, he HAD to do something-- whether he liked it or not. He hadn't said anything. Maybe Steve wouldn't come back. But one day, a stranger arrived at their door during a thunderstorm. He towered over Chris and held an envelope in his right hand. Jill came up from behind Chris, looking over his shoulder-- as did Brad, Leon, and Claire. "Take this. Read it carefully." said the man, his deep voice as low as the growling thunder. Chris took the envelope into his hands and looked at it. "you son of a bitch.." Chris said. "IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT AND -SAVE- THIS MORON!!" Chris ran at the man and used all of his strength to pull him into the house. Claire assisted him. They threw the huge man down at the couch, despite his height he was rather weak and light. "Alright you bastard... who are you!" Chris tore off the man's hat and trenchcoat, and was shocked to see.. PeeWee Herman?! Everyone jumped back, aghast. PeeWee cowered against the couch. "Uh... uh.. I`m sorry guys! Hurhur! Y'see... they made me do it... and..." "SHUT UP." Chris interrupted. He pulled the envelope from his side and opened it, reading the letter it contained. "..Your little friend is being held by us, the Mafia... if the media or cops find out we will kill him... they say they'll kill him if we don't come up with $2,000 dollars by Friday night and meet us at the ballpit in Chuck E. Cheese's we'll kill him.. Hmm.." There was a long silence before Chris tossed the note aside. "Ah, who cares." He tossed the letter aside, before two hands wrapped around his arms, and he found Brad standing in front of him. "Chris! You cannot do that! Not only is it your turn to take care of Steve, not only does Steve have a cute ass, not only am.. I.. touching your.. " Brad's eyelashes fluttered. "...manly, strong arms.. you HUNK, HOLD ME!!" Brad yelled, throwing himself into Chris' arms. Chris screamed in horror, throwing the odd homosexual away from him. He pulled out a 9mm and aimed it at Brad... Before Jill ran over in his way, yanking the gun from his hands. "Chris! Control yourself, alright?! Forget about Brad's constant burning love for you! STEVE is a human being just like us! And beside, it's YOUR turn to take care of him. We only have five days to come up with $2,000, don't you think we should do something!?" Chris stared at her for a moment with thoughtful eyes, before replying. "No." "CHRIS YOU IDIOT! We have to do something, now!" Chris growled, before replying. "Right!" He looked at PeeWee, as did everyone else. "Uh.. you can go now." PeeWee jumped up from his seat and fleed out the front door.
That night, the group had a discussion. They had decided to open a Fast- Food place. "What will we call it?" Leon asked thoughtfully, sitting up in his seat. Brad sat up. "I know! How about, Brad's Totally Groovy Love Shack!" There was a long silence around the table, everyone, looking at Brad. "Um, okay, forget I said that. It was just a suggestion.." Everyone looked away from the bumbling idiot homo, back to eachother. "So.. listen, we MUST come up with a name." Claire said. "I know, we can put papers in a hat with what we think should be the name, and whichever is picked will be the lucky winner. We'll name it that!" Leon said. Chris glanced at Leon before smashing a hand down on the table. "That's it!" Jill walked around distributing small pieces of paper and a pencil, while Claire went and fetched a hat. In no more than 10 thoughtful minutes everyone had come up with a name they desired. "Okay, fold them up now." Everyone did as Jill said. She took the hat from Claire and nodded in thanks, before walking around the table and allowing everyone to throw their papers in. She handed the hat to Chris, and as he shook it he muttered, "I swear, if we end up having a ridiculous name..." Chris stopped shaking it and placed it down on the table. Everyone sat up or slightly leaned forward in anticipation. Chris looked away from the hat and pulled out a paper. He unfolded it and looked down at it.. his jaw dropping to the ground. Everyone sat up, wide-eyed. "What? What is it?!" Chris slowly placed the paper down, his gaze trailing up to a happy-looking Brad. His head grew giant and his eyes turned red, as he towered over Brad, and screamed "YOU LITTLE SHIT!" as loud as he could. He turned back to normal and leaped over the coffee table, the paper flying up in the air and landing in Jill's lap. She looked down on it and growled in anger, jolting toward Chris and Brad to join the fight. When Jill jumped, the paper landed at Claire's feet. She picked it up and looked down on it, reading "Brad's Groovy Love Shack". Also infuriated, she leaped over the back of the couch to join the Brad-bashing. The paper went off somewhere, unknown. Leon looked around a little bit, before shoving the last of the popcorn in his mouth and shrugging. He looked over at the fight and blinked, spitting out the popcorn and just running in for the hell of it.
Steve sat in the back of the limo between two huge Italian men in suits. Across from him sat a larger man with sunglasses, tons of gold chains and rings, quite fat with a white suit on. His black hair was slicked back. A woman in a black skirt and black tubetop with a large bust and juicy lips sat beside him, her long dark brown hair flowing onto her shoulders. Her legs were crossed, ruby-red lips pursed, her dark purple eye shadow giving her a very prostitute-ish look.
"...What did you guys pick anyway?" Claire asked. "Beside you, Brad." Leon stood up, balling his hand into a fist as the veins in his neck popped out. "LEON'S STEAKHOUSE OF JUSTICE!!!" He said so with a jump, the screen behind him rushing and his yell echoing. Everyone stared blankly at him. He sat down. "Well...!" said Claire, standing up before holding up a sign that read the name she had chosen. "...Try something better, like... CLAIRE'S ROCK N' ROLL CAFE!" She said so strongly, her voice echoing. The camera zoomed out, Chris and Leon clapping for her while smiling brightly. "That /is/ rather in poor taste.." said Brad, Jill knowing that Leon and Chris were only clapping for the name because Leon liked her, and Chris was her supportive big brother. Claire planted a punch right in his face. Really, Jill thought it was absolutely retarded, but decided to say nothing. "GRR." Chris growled, standing up and smashing a foot onto the coffee table in front of him, making a fist. "ThePlaceWhereWeShouldKillMoronsLikeBradAndRebecca!" Everyone nodded thoughtfully, Claire, Jill, and Leon clapping enthusiastically. Jill stood up, clearing her throat. "Jill's Striphouse & Restaraunt!" She shouted, standing up with a whip in her right hand, in tight leather short-short- SHORT-shorts, a tight bellyshirt-tubetop, big combat boots, fishnet panty- hoes on, and a spike bracelet along. Chris and Leon laughed maniacally, jumping up red-faced and madly applauding together as they looked up. "Thank you, thank you." Jill took a bow.
Steve looked around nervously, out the tinted window. They were slowing to a stop toward the border of the city, beside a warehouse. "Listen kid.. ya fuck dingz up, and I'm gunna kill ya." said the largest man. Steve cowered into his seat, crying as he hugged his teddy bear. Meanwhile, the others were having much better luck. They had already established a blueprint of the place, and Brad was in the middle of designing uniforms. He was obviously gleeful about the fact that "Brad's Groovy Love Shack" would be the name of the restaurant, and how he was in charge of costuming. Chris said Claire should, but Jill proposed that since it was named after Brad's idea he should design the uniforms the employees would wear. "Oh, this is WONDERFUL!" He sobbed with joy, sitting on the floor of his room cutting the lacy pink material into strips. Claire was coming up with how they would write the name of the place-- Brad insisted that it would be all bubbly and light colored, with kittens and bunnies painted on 'em and stuff. Chris was angrily pacing in circles in his room, once in a while stopping to look at the blueprints and think of arrangements, Leon taking calls from people looking to work there. By around 3 AM, they had found a place to buy so they didn't have to pay for construction fees-- after all, they HAD to save Steve, they had no choice. Establishing a building would take many months to years, and they only had five days to get the $2,000. Nobody slept that night, as they went to the place and began to build, create and design like mad. No more than a day later had they been ready to open for business.
"Um, you guys! I think my blindfold's falling off.." yelled Steve, locked in a room seperate from where the few members of the Mafia were. Steve heard a door open, and in stepped one of the goons. He saw the goon when the man tore his blindfold off. Then, the goon slipped out of his fake body, revealing a very tan complexion.. he took off his mask.. it was CARLOS! "Hey little buddy!" Carlos yelled, jumping from side to side as he did the Cabbage Patch dance move. "CARLOS! It's you!" Carlos danced around. "Are you here to save me?" Carlos touched his head, shoulders, knees and toes repeatedly. Then, he began to spin around like a ballerina on the tip of his toes with his hands joined above his head. "..Carlos?" Steve asked. Carlos stopped, still bouncing around. "Si man! I heard about the mess you were in, so I came to save you with my..." The screen turned pink, rays of blue shooting out all over. Big bubbly letters erupted from the center of the screen, reading "CARLOS POWERS!!" A deep manly voice said it out loud, a shine running across the green letters. Carlos popped up from the middle of the screen with pursed lips and yelled "Yessir! Carlos powers! MMMWAAHHH!!" He gave the screen a big kiss. Steve raised an eyebrow, staring at Carlos. "Uh, can you untie me now?" Carlos jumped up and turned around, striking a pose. "Why yes I can, man!" They both turned their heads to look at the door when they heard faint voices. "What was that?" "What was what?" "I hear noise where we're keeping the kid.." "You do?" "Ya sure?" "Yep." "Better go check it out.." They both heard heavy footsteps coming toward the door. Steve and Carlos gasped in horror and looked at each other. "Great! You've gone and done it now!" Steve whispered harshly, before Carlos turned off the light in the closet. The doorknob budged before a large figure appeared in the hallway, eating an apple. It flicked on the light and looked at Steve. Steve's blindfold was on the floor, and he was smiling innocently and nervously at the large man, Carlos hiding under the small wooden chair-- not too well, may I add. His ass was sticking out from under the front of the chair, and he was visibly covering his eyes. The man looked at the pair in silence, before stepping forward.
Meanwhile, Claire, Chris, Jill, Brad, and Leon had finished setting up their place. They had three days to make $2,000, so they needed some EXPERT chefs. Leon sat at a table in the unopened place as the others set up. "Okay, it seems that the only expert chefs we have right now are that chef from The Muppet Show, Barry Burton, Rebecca Chambers, and Enrico Marini. Brad, what do you say?" Brad sat up and leaned forward, putting a hand forward. "Well, actually, I`d go with Rebecca Chambers and the chef from The Muppet Show." Chris slammed his fists on the table. "REBECCA?! ARE YOU INSANE!!!!" Brad simply shook his head and Leon looked at Jill, who nodded slightly but obviously uneasily. "Okay," Leon said, "I`ll call the two right now." Chris stood in silence in a shadowy corner, facing the wall. A soft gust of wind visibly moved by Chris, making a whistling noise.
Carlos sat beside Steve, identical... Tied to the chair and blindfolded. "Great job, Carlos." Steve muttered.
Brad looked up from the counter and looked around with a gasp, his super senses sensing the trouble Carlos and Steve were in. "Carlos and Steve are IN TROUBLE!!" he shouted, standing up. Jill turned her head to look at him, as did everyone else. "What? How do you know?" Brad turned to Jill, his jaw set. "I can SMELL it..." He sniffed the air really, REALLY hard after turning his head to the side and making a fist, a vein popping out on his forehead. Everyone was obviously either not believing him or skeptical, due to the expressions on their face. Brad whipped from side to side, before screaming "I MUST SAVE THEM!" And running out the door. To make it more dramatic, he added, "To the Bradmobile!" He burst through the front doors and raced down the street quickly, obviously heading toward the city. "Ugh. Let's go catch that idiot before he screws things up." Leon proposed, quickly striding outside to his car with Jill, Chris, and Claire.
Brad's super senses directed him in the direction he had to go. He heard blips, like a radar noise. "I must hurry..!" he cried, before stopping next to a phone booth. He ran in, and the booth shook and glowed up. He jumped out no more than five seconds later, in tight yellow spandex pants, a tight red spandex shirt, a green cape and a tight green spandex vest on him. He had small black boots with small heels, and a green cloth mask on. It was tied in the back and had two holes cut in it, where his eyes were. It was basically an eye mask (think Robin, from Batman. It's not a full-face mask. Just for the eyes, like a blindfold with holes for the eyes.). "SUPER BRAD!!!!!" He cried out, before racing down the street as fast as he could.
Meanwhile, Leon had just taken off. Chris sat in the front beside him, Jill and Claire in the backseats. "Hurry! Follow Brad!" Claire cried out. The car took off, the tires squealing as they headed off into the streets. A little bit later, someone finally spoke, breaking the two-minute silence. "Uh... guys?" Jill asked. "What?" everyone else asked, looking at her-- except for Leon, who was keeping his eyes on the road. "Exactly. what direction.. DID Brad run off to?" There was a silence, before Chris smiled. " Haha... Don't sweat the little stuff, right?" Chris asked, putting a hand behind his head. He began to laugh. Everyone looked at each other and stared at him for a moment before they began to laugh too, the camera zooming out, their laughter not heard as loud.. heard as if from some distance.
Brad raced toward the city border, just about there. One hand was out in front of him, and he repeatedly had been heard yelling things such as "Super Brad away!" "SUPER BRAD WILL SAVE THE DAY." "Here I come my sexy male comrades!", stupid shit like that. Oh, and while he was running he'd come up with his own theme song, and another alias he might just go by-- Wonder Brad. He stopped short in his tracks and crouched down, putting a hand to his ear, trying to use his super senses to get Steve and Carlos' exact location. He looked around, before standing up. "I`M COMING!" He started to run, but a Chinese man delivering Chinese food by bicycle hit him. Brad fell flat on his face, the bike ramming into his back and running him over, before sliding on it's side and falling to the ground. Meanwhile, the Chinese guy went flying in the air. Red hot Chinese food flew everywhere, showering on Brad and the fallen Chinese man.
"So.. have you seen Michael Jackson's new video, compadre?" Carlos asked Steve. Steve sighed. "Yes, Carlos, I have. And he's still looking like a freak. Ha ha. Jack-o the Whacko...." Carlos gasped at Steve, almost screaming. "HOW DARE YOU! He is not a whacko! He is one of my IDOLS, man!" Steve snorted. "Humph. Brittney Spears could beat him any day." "What! That BIMBO!?" "She's not a bimbo!!" "Oh yes she is." Steve was on the verge of crying, before crying out in RAGE. While he was in the middle of his furious scream, Carlos furiously screamed, too. Since they couldn't stand, they jumped toward each other while still blindfolded and tied to their seats. They began to clash... literally, just waving around and smashing into each other, both still seated in the chairs. One of the mobsters burst through the door and turned the light on. "Ey! What's goin on in here!?" He saw Steve and Carlos still tied to their chairs, repeatedly jumping at each other, smashing into each other, bouncing back and repeating the process. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU MORONS!?" the mobster shouted. Steve and Carlos immediately stopped, looking at the source of the voice with a gasp of surprise. "Well," Carlos began, "first HE said Michael Jackson is a freaky whacko, man! And then he said BRITTNEY SPEARS could beat Jackson any day!! So then I said she was a bimbo, and he freaked out! So I freaked out! It was a chain reaction, maaan! You know what I mean?!" The mobster had already turned the lights off and left.
The group had pulled over at a gas station. Chris got out of the car and went to a worker working outside. "Hey, did you see a man run by yelling about saving someone?" The worker turned around... and it was... REBECCA! "OH CHRIS MY LOVE IT'S YOU!!!!" Chris immediately jumped back with his hands in front of him, like he was blocking her. "OH MY GOD! NO! NO! NOOOO!" Chris screamed at the top of his lungs, each time he ran out of breath a new extra loud scream of horror erupting from his throat. Rebecca reached out in front of her, standing on her tipi-toes as she slowly shuffled toward Chris, her eyes frighteningly big and shiny. "CHRIIISSS" She stood up straight, taking off her hat and running a hand through her hair. She said in her annoying voice,"I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU CUZ I HEARD YOUR OH- SO-MANLY VOICE BABY! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHOLE WEEK!" She shouted, jumping toward and latching onto him, clinging. "OH MY GOD! NNNNNNNNNNOOO!! GET IT OFF! Get it OFF!" He yelled loudly, running in circles and flailing his arms. He rolled around repeatedly, and thrashed everywhere, but she still wouldn't get off. Chris looked toward the car. Jill, Leon, and Claire were watching from inside, the windows all closed.. all of their expressions horrified. "Help me! Help meee!!!" He screamed, trying to pry Rebecca off with his hands. He then started using a crowbar when Rebecca stopped, tilting her head to the side. "THE MOMENT OF ..." "Of what!?" a terrified Chris studdered out." Rebecca smiled widely. "ME FIRST KISSSSSSSSSSSS. Kiss me YOU FOOL!" Rebecca licked her lips, slobber all over. Now Chris was REALLY horrified and scared. "WHY ME! GOD! HELP MEEE!!!!!" He grunted, trying to get away from the psychotic annoying eighteen year old. She came closer and closer. "PUCKER UP!!!" She yelled. Right before their lips met , the car door burst open and a furious Jill Valentine rushed out and toward Chris and Rebecca. "JILL!", cried Claire, reaching out. "Jill!" Leon shouted. "JILL!!!" Chris screamed in relief, seeing the furious woman rushing toward the two. Rebecca stopped, and looked at her. "JILL?! NO!!" "YOU BITCH!!" Jill spat, before leaping up and tackling Rebecca. She cleanly slid off of Chris, Chris still standing. Rebecca flailed her limbs everywhere. "Is she defending herself... or having a seizure?" Leon asked, watching inside the car. Jill picked up a tickle stick (those sticks with the little hands on the ends, not backscratchers.) and ran after Rebecca. Surprisingly, Rebecca was fast as she ran.. but not fast enough. She ran into the mini-mart part of the gas station. Jill ran right THROUGH the glass door, and her voice was heard as she ran in and jumped on Rebecca. "Jill Valentine Tickle Attack!" The mini-mart began bouncing all over, loud noises heard and Rebecca's hysterical idiotic laughter. The rest was seen as silhouettes.
And for once, Brad was having much better luck. Kind of. The Chinese man was on his feet screaming at Brad in Chinese. Brad looked on, brain-dead and oblivious to what he was saying. "Ohh! Thank you! You forgive me?" The man screamed in Chinese, not actually forgiving him but saying "you friggin' cracker! no!" in Chinese. Brad smiled widely. "I always liked you sexy Chinese men!" He thought of something in Chinese to say, but couldn't think anything up. He pranced off into the night, the Chinese man staring on. "You stupid faggot." The Chinese man said in English, with a heavy Chinese accent.
The French chef from The Muppet Show walked into Brad's Groovy Love Shack, to find it empty. ".Hello?"
"There he goes!" Claire cried in an urgent voice, pointing to the right. Brad was WAY ahead of them, down the block and turning the corner. "Speed up!" Chris yelled. Leon panicked. "I can't! It's against the law to go over 10 mph on these streets, I could get in some really big trouble, even maybe..." He gasped, large bags appearing under his eyes. ".I COULD GET FIRED." Chris looked at Leon for a moment before replying. "Who cares! We're off duty!" Leon trembled. "But-but-but you and Jill aren't regular cops, and a rookie, LIKE ME!" "Hurry up! Go!" Claire shouted, gripping the seat in front of her. "Come on!" Jill yelled. Soon, the car erupted into this huge commotion, everyone screaming at Leon and Leon panicking and yelling, too. Chris purposely slid his foot over and pushed the pedal all the way. "Hey, lead-foot, you might wanna stop that!" Jill yelled at Chris. Leon screamed, flailing his arms before grabbing on tightly to the steering wheel and kicking Chris' foot away. The car swerved everywhere, everyone inside suddenly looking up and screaming as they spun in a circle, straight toward a wall. The tires squealed before there was this overwhelmingly loud smash, almost deafening. Upon impact, the whole front of the car was smashed, and everyone went flying forward, the screaming immediately stopping, the only sound for the next few minutes the ticking of cooling metal. "Is everyone alright?" Claire's worried voice came up faint from back. "Yes." Jill and Chris responded. Leon slowly raised his head, his nose bleeding. "I`m alive." He said. Everyone looked at him, arching a brow. Leon screamed. "I`M ALIVE!!" He threw his seatbelt off and ran outside of the car, throwing his arms in the air and falling to his knees. "I LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" He shouted. Everyone in the car watched him like he had three heads. "I`m alive and well! WOOHOO! YEAH!" He threw a fist up in the air jumping, before a bus came speeding down the street and hit him.
Leon was now missing 76% of his teeth, had a fat lip, a bloody nose, a black eye, cuts, and his arm and ankle in casts. Chris looked around a little bit as he got out of the car last, before seeing some guy park a topless sport's car right in front of a store, the music blasting out. He stared at the young man hop out of his car and jump onto the sidewalk, walking into the store. He left his keys in the car! Chris was obviously happy, so Chris, Jill, Claire, and a crippled Leon looked in the direction he was looking, and all got the point. Simultaneously, they all rushed in the direction of the car. Chris leaped over the door, jumping into the driver's seat. Jill hopped into the passengers seat and Leon and Claire into the back. Chris sped off, the sunglassed man running out into the street and giving chase to the car, screaming like a madman. But they didn't care! So, Chris was doing 90 mph down the street when he heard sirens in the distance. "Aw, SHIT!" Jill yelled, looking back and seeing a police car turn the corner with the tires screeching and the car swinging everywhere. It gained control and sped after them. "No! NOT NOW!" Claire yelled, looking over her shoulder. "Pull over!!" A voice came from the chasing police car behind them. But Chris wasn't ready to give up!
Albert Wesker lay in a hospital bed somewhere in the city with a teddy bear under his right arm, as he was fed applesauce through a tube that went into his arm. He'd just gotten his poor wittle tonsils removed, and was watching Cops. The police man sat in the seat of the car, talking with a hick accent. "Yup.. them bad-doers are everywhere, even in a little serene place like this here Raccoon Citay. and.. oh, look look. Thar's one now." The camera in the car showed a red sports car speeding down the street. "Ya.. ya.. he's uh, doin' about 90 miles PER hour. the limit is uh, 60.. yep, yep. Let's go bust em." The police car sped up, as the cop received transmissions through his walkie talkie. "Pull over!!" the cop screamed. "Yep.. yep, thar's a good three or four people in thar. 2 guys and 2 gals.. yup, yup, they're probably doin drugs or somethin' like that, of the illegal sort.damn groupies." the Cop muttered as he sped up and pulled up beside the car. "Police! Pull over that there veh-hee-cal right now! I have authoritah." he said to the driver of the car. Wesker sat up in his bed, pulling his shades down a little bit and was surprised to see Chris Redfield driving the car! Even more surprised to see Jill Valentine, Chris' sister, and that rookie Leon Kennedy looking pretty beat up. Wesker clutched his blue teddy bear in anticipation, waiting for something exciting to happen (Exciting to him would be the car blowing up or going flying off the road).
Chris looked at the cop and screamed at him. "Look pal, FUCK YOU! Me, and this lady sitting beside me work for a special division of the police department! And this injured guy in the backseat is a COP, too!" The cop yelled at Chris back. "I dun care! Authority or not, PULL OVER NOW!!" He smashed into the side of the car. Everyone screamed at the top of their lungs in unison (Leon, Chris, Claire, and Jill did), as Chris struggled to regain control of the car as it swerved madly.
Wesker sat up quickly, smiling widely before the TV shut off. "WHAT! WHO.. WHO, WHO DID THAT!?" he looked around quickly. He was the only one in the dark room, and was struggling to talk because he'd gotten his tonsils removed not too much earlier. He flicked on the nightlight in the room, looking around. "Helllooo??" He asked, slowly standing up and throwing the teddy bear on the bed. He navigated himself around the room. It was like, 10 o' clock so even outside it would be dim and silent, everyone was sleeping. And quite frankly, Wesker had to make weewee. He held onto his crotch and whined like a baby, frantically running down the hallway.
ANYWHO, in the meanwhile Carlos and Steve were STILL being held. "So, what do you think of cabbage?" Carlos asked Steve. Steve sat silent, not replying to Carlos' idiotic questions.
.Chris was.. KO'd! The car was quickly swerving to the side of the road, and since Jill was closest she grabbed the wheel the second he fell back. Claire got the idea and pulled Chris into the back seat, to get out of Jill's way. "OWWIIIEEEE!!!" Leon cried out, Chris crushing his broken arm. "AHHH! AHH! MY ARM! MY ARRRMMM!!!" Leon screamed. Claire was yelling at Leon to shut up as she tried to move Chris into the passenger's seat, while Jill looked back over her shoulder. And when she did. CRASH! The car hit a tree on the side of the road, and the front burst into flames. The officer in the car pulled up to the car, grinning like a triumphant idiot when all of a sudden..! A helicopter was heard, and it was getting louder. Everyone looked up as a whirlwind of dust and wind came upon them, like a hurricane. Leon winced, having the best view when all of a sudden, a rope fell! Who was it?! Leon tried to see the figure in the open door of the chopper.
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!!!" tittered Alfred loudly. Claire's eyebrows dropped from hopeful to firm. /What the hell does he want now../ Claire thought to herself. "Climb up my little pretties!" he shouted in a high-pitched voice. Chris had awoken. Everyone looked at each other before shrugging, Jill being first to descend the climb. "'EY! YOU CANT DO DAT!" The hick cop screamed up at Jill. The cop looked at the screen, nodding slightly. "Yep, yep, dis is wild.. I`ma gonna have ta call fer backup." Chris smiled widely, staring up Jill's skirt before a first clunked down on his head. "HEY!" he cried, turning to Claire. "Go, you idiot!" she yelled at him. Chris shrugged and started to climb the rope. Jill smiled widely, looking up Chris' skirt. Chris looked down and screamed, shocked and horrified to see he was wearing a skirt. "HOW DID THAT GET THERE?! JILL, HOW DID YOU GET THERE?! I JUST SAW YOU CLIMBING. the. rope..?" Chris looked up and Alfred looked down on him, wearing the same thing as Jill. "I love cosplaying!" Alfred cried. Chris fell silent, disturbed. After Jill, Claire was pulling Leon up with her, the rope being pulled up into the chopper. Leon's broken leg smashed against the car windshield. "AAIIIIEEEE!!" He cried in pain. Then, the same leg bounced off of the sides of the helicopter as he was pulled up into the door on the bottom of the chopper. "ASDFGHJKLDFJFKSHAURTUMNVJDMSUDFKDHD!" Alfred pointed forward as he stepped into the cockpit, smiling widely. "To the warehouse!" He cried in yet another high-pitched voice, sounding like when men try to impersonate women. The pilot, who was actually Nemesis pushed forward on the joystick, as they descended into the night. "Stars! Stars!" he yelled at the co-pilot, who was FILING HIS NAILS. Mr. X jumped in his seat, looking over at Nemesis. "..." "STARS!" "...!! ..." "Stars! Stars! STARS!" "..? ..!!!!! .... ." Nemesis, outraged, slapped Mr. X across the face with one large hand. Mr. X's face went flying to the right, and he looked down before looking at Nemesis, the corners of his mouth pulled down and his eyes sad. "...!!!!" "Stars! Stars!! STARS!!!!!" Nemesis cried, as the whole scene started to be a soap opera. ".. . ..!!! ....." Mr. X had a dramatic flashback after saying: I`ll never forget!!! How you touched me.." In the monster language. Nemesis and Mr. X picked flowers together in an extraordinary field. "Come and catch me Nemmy!" Mr. X said in his silent "." language in his flashback, Nemesis and him giggling as Nemesis chased him back and forth through a field, strobe-mode. Once they moved their figures where they last were faded away. Mr. X sat in the front yard of their country house, Nemesis smiling at Mr. X from the window in the kitchen as he watched him, Nemesis himself busy cooking. It was a beautiful day, and they lived in this gorgeous country side house surrounded by butterflies and flowers. On Valentines Day, Mr. X handed Nemesis a pink heart-shaped box with chocolates inside, the box itself reading "..." Translation: "To My Nemmy- poo" in golden script.
Nemesis looked at Mr. X in silence for a moment. "STARS STARS STARS!!!!!" He screamed at the co-pilot, translation: "THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" Mr. X smiled dreamily to himself, his hands on his blushing cheeks. ".." Translation: "I know." Alfred sat in the back with the four. "Okay! Okay!" he cried, the chatter stopping. "I`ve come up with this great clothing line! Wanna know what it's called?! Huh? HUH? HUH?!" Chris blinked. "No." Jill nudged Chris, before replying. "Uh, um, yeah.. yeah, sure Alfred! We'd love to!" Leon bit his lower lip as his eyebrows lowered angrily, Chris doing the same as they looked at Jill. Alfred jumped to his feet. "Now presenting, the brand new. ALFRED'S CLOTHES FOR SOPHISTICATED PERSONS!" Alfred stopped smiling and narrowed his eyes, looking at the four. "Not that any of you are SOPHISTICATED. The Ashford roots go back to royalty! My sister and I ar-" Claire stood up, screaming at him. "Would you shut the hell up about your sister?! My GOD, everything!" She used a high-pitched voice with an accent. "Alexia, Alexia, Alexia this, Alexia that, my sister, my sister, blah BLAH BLAH, BLAH-DE- FUCKIN-BLAH! SHUT THE HELL UP ALFRED!"
The helicopter lowered to the ground, Jill, Claire, Chris, and Leon being thrown out of the chopper or shoved out. One by one they staggered out and hit the ground. "Nobody trashes my sister! NOBODY YOU HEAR?!" Alfred cried, as he began to giggle loudly, the chopper lifting off. His giggles faded into the deep night. "ARRRGGGH!" Leon cried, his broken arm being crushed by Claire. Everyone stood up, absolutely pleased at where he had thrown them-right in front of the warehouse! Or so they thought. "I`ll go in first, be right back." Chris said. The three nodded and began to brush themselves off, waiting for Chris to return.
"99,081,781 bottles of beer on the wall, 99,081,781 bottles of beer.." Steve and Carlos sang together. "Take one down, pass it around, 99,081,780 bottles of beer on the wall."
Chris opened the door in the alley way, dim light pouring out. He stepped in-it smelled like perfume and cigarettes. "What the hell?" Chris asked himself as he stepped in. All of a sudden, three half-naked women in feather boa's and bikini's jumped out and seduced him. "What the hell?! Cool!" Chris yelled, before catching a glimpse of the three-one was about 60 years old, the other one was a transvestite, and the other one had a huge nose and beady little eyes. "OH MY GOD! GET OFF! AHHH!!" The 60 year old clinged on to Chris as he thrashed about to get them off of him. He kicked her in the stomach and she fell back. "Where am I? What's going on! WHAT THE F-CK!" Chris screamed, seeing whores sitting on couches and porn posters on the dirty walls. There were two men wearing purple silk disco clothes, one black with an afro, the other wearing a bright green hat with a feather sticking out. Disco music began to play as old women wearing Rio Carnival style clothes did Cartwheels past the two as they tapped their feet to the beat. They both turned around, one wearing sunglasses-the one with the afro. The other one tipped his hat up, and Chris was shocked to see that it was the humble African- American cop Marvin and Ark! The music stopped as a record scratched, and Marvin and Ark stared at Chris wide-eyed. Marvin's sunglasses fell off. The two of them zoomed into a room and zoomed back in front of Chris in less than a second. Marvin wearing his police uniform, having his normal hair and Ark his usual attire. Marvin looked back and forth between the whores the Chris. "Um.. um.. yeah! This is illegal! Everyone, uh, stop! You're un-un-under ARREST! All of you! Yeah!" Marvin looked at Chris. "Oh, Chris! Here to help?!" Ark put his hands in front of him, screaming: "I`M A LOST PERSON WITH AMNESIA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I`M DOING HERE! REALLY!" Suddenly, Claire smashed into the door, making it swing open and hit the wall. All heads turned. "Wait! That's not Ark and Marvin!" She pointed at the two. "What?" Chris asked, as Jill and Leon barged in. Jill aimed a missile launcher at the two, so they both put their hands up. Claire walked up and Ripped their masks off- it was Sherry on stilts and TOFU!!! Leon wondered how Chris couldn't have noticed the blue eyes and brown fingerpaint all over Sherry's face, and how he didn't notice that Tofu was completely regular-just wearing a plastic mask of Ark and a wig that sat on the top of his square self. "HaHaHaHa!" Sherry the 12 year-old laughed in Claire's face, puffing a cloud of smoke in it from her cigarette after a long drag. Claire squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath for a moment before coughing. "You can't stop me." Sherry hacked. Claire backed off. "Ew." Tofu walked toward Leon quickly, waddling-each step making a squeaking noise from his non-existent feet. He slapped Leon. "OW!" Leon cried, cowering against the wall. "ARGH! FUCK THIS!" Jill was heard screaming, before a click followed by a hollow noise and a "whoooooooosh" sound. A missile hit Tofu, makng him explode into countless little pieces of Tofu. As he exploded, he screamed something in Japanese. Leon looked, stunned. "GAH! My partner in crime! No! You bitttchhh!!" Sherry screamed, leaping off of her stilts and running at Jill. Jill dropped the empty missile launcher and readied herself, looking up at a bar on the ceiling and then down at Sherry. But before Sherry even got to her Claire stuck her foot out, simple as that, sending the pre-teen flying to be sprawled out on the ground at Jill's feet. She didn't move. "Is she dead..?" Jill asked uneasily, looking at Chris and Claire. They shrugged, so Chris walked over and stood in front of the fallen Sherry. He nudged her on the shoulder with his foot a few times. Chris looked back at the two. "No, I`m pretty sure she's dead." He replied. "Chris! LOOK OUT!!" was all Chris heard before he saw Sherry moving out of the corner of his eye. Just like a midget, Sherry jumped up and bit his nuts (Heh, think of Austin Powers 2.. yanno, if you've seen it.. Mini-Me does this to Austin in outer space.). Chris looked down and screamed in horror and pain, and began running in circles. "RRRR!!!" Sherry screamed. Jill chased Chris. "Chris! Wait up! I can help! COME BAAACK!!!" Chris just screamed and screamed and screamed, while one of Tofu's loyal 60 year old whores jumped up and attacked Claire by doing an insane tribal dance around her. Claire kicked the old woman away, only to be ambushed by countless whores. One punched her in the face, very weak hit but she felt it. When she turned around to beat that whore another one kicked her. She was completely surrounded. Chris ran by screaming, Sherry "RRRRR!!"-ing, Jill chasing and screaming that she could help if he just calmed down. And, amidst all of the Chaos, Leon sat crouched down beside Tofu's remains and picked a large chunk of tofu out of it, arching a brow before taking a bite. Suddenly, a triumphant, loud, hyper superhero theme blasted throughout the warehouse. All stopped, turning their heads to the door, which was open and glowing. Chris stopped and stared, Sherry turned her head and stared, Jill crashed into Chris' back before also staring, the whores stared, Claire stared, and Leon; who was in the middle of eating tofu with his hands; stared. A chorus started, before a gay yet heroic voice played. "Never fear.." A silhouette appeared in the immense light, a cape flowing behind it and the hands on the person's hips. "SUPER BRAD IS HERE!" He shouted, as he jumped in. The light faded, and he put a hand in front of him. "I MUST BRING JUSTICE!" He shouted, before seeing Sherry. He stopped short and stared in disbelief, before shrieking: "MY CHRISSSSYYY!!!!! That's it! Barry Boy! Enter!" Suddenly, Barry leaped in behind Brad wearing a blue cape, a black eye-mask, spandex dark purple pants, bright yellow boots, and a spandex red top. He also wore black leather gloves. Everyone stared at the pair for a moment before chaos ensued, Brad and Barry diving into Battle. Brad was next to Jill, chasing Chris and frantically yelling that he could help. Jill looked at him as she ran. "You're only making him run faster!" she yelled. Claire fought off the whores. Leon was about to pick up Tofu when someone stepped on his hand. "ARRRGH!!" He cried in pain, his two sprained fingers being crushed. He looked up and saw.. CHARLIE CHAPLIN?! He ran toward the whores, completely black and white, literally looking like he came out of a super-old film. He began to bash the whores with his cane, and once he killed them all he started to run after Chris with Brad and Jill. Claire joined, and so did Barry. "Chris!" everyone screamed in unison. Leon stood up as they ran by and looked back and forth, puzzled, before just running too, for the hell of it. "GET HER OFF! GET HER OFF OF ME!" Chris screamed, running in circles. Finally, someone just shot Sherry in the head. But who? The author, of course, who needed a way to end this scene! Suddenly, a hidden door slid open in the back of the room. Barry, Brad, Jill, Chris, Claire, and Leon all looked at each other before running toward the door. Brad stopped, looking at a whore.
"99,075, 752 bottles of beer on the wall, 99,075,752 bottles of beer..." Steve and Carlos restlessly sang. "Take one down, pass it around, 99,075, 751 bottles of beer on the wall." They were both bored and wondered if anyone was ever gonna come save them.
"YOU." Brad cried, running over. "You tell me what's going on or you'll FACE MY WRATH!" The woman looked at him for a moment, before looking away. "Go away." Brad frowned, standing up straight. "You want to do it the hard way?!" The whore leaped up, smiling enthusiastically. "Sure! Why not?!" she cried. Brad nodded a bit before backing off. "Sorry, I don't go that way." "The straight way?" "The straight way." The whore sat down again. "Go away." Brad was outraged. "Well.. then.. take.. THIS!!!!!" He pulled a wooden leprechaun out from behind him. "NO! No! Not the wooden leprechaun! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!" Brad held it out. "Then tell me what you know!" The woman replied, "Hmph." Brad held out the leprechaun. "Aye! Top o' the mornin' to ya!" the wooden leprechaun said. "GAH!! Okay, okay! The two that you're here looking for. the Spanish one came in a while back and failed to get your other friend out of here. They're in the very back room of this warehouse, the door of the closet they're in has a poster that says 'Be cool! Stay in school!' on it." Brad stood. "Yes! Thank you ma'am!" He pointed forward and ran out of the room.
Claire was the first to enter the next room. Four or five Mafia members sat at a table-the table covered in food, garbage, cards, packs of cigars and cigarettes, and some lighters and matchboxes. The members were wearing pink ballerina outfits. They all looked before standing up and gasping. "Get her! She must die! She's seen too much!" They began to run at her before Leon limped in front of her. "REVE KLAIR LONE" He cried, sounding off because he had barely any teeth and a broken jaw. All of the members stared at each other, before one pointed at Leon. "GET HIM! HE'S AN ARAB!" The group ran at Leon. Chris, Barry, Jill, and Brad barged in. The men were far too large for them, what could they possibly do and where could they go? Jill looked around frantically, before seeing a crowbar. She ran off into a pile of crates. The overweight men began to pound Chris, Brad, and Claire. Barry stood there, watching with his head tilted to the side, some drool oozing out of the corner of his mouth. As for Leon- he was out cold, on the floor near the table. A few minutes later, Jill climbed up on a crate. "HEY! YOU! ALL OF YOU!" She screamed at the Mafia dudes. They hadn't beaten the crap out of her yet, so they slowly walked toward her, cracking their knuckles. "Oh-ho-ho, you're gonna try and hurt ME? Oh?" "Yeh." One of the men replied. "Oh yeah!?" Jill snapped back. "Yeah!" the group shot back. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" "Oh yeah?!" "Yeah!!!" "OH YEAH?!!!?" "YEAH!!" The group started to run at her, when she threw her arms in the air. "NOW!" A ton of killer squirrels dove from above, ran through the door, and jumped over the crate in front of her. "ATTAACKK!! MUAHAHA!!" Jill laughed like a mad woman as her evil henchmen attacked. Claire, Brad and Chris were awake, watching in shock as evil squirrels attacked the men. When the attack was over, there was silence as the chattering creatures ran off. "Well, I was going to say we could do that." Brad insisted. Jill jumped over the crate and raced toward the closet door. She swung it open and turned on the lights, seeing Carlos and Steve. "98,076,891 bottles of beer on the wall, 98,076,891 bottles of beer." "Carlos! Steve!" She shouted. "Take one down, pa-Jill!?" they both cried. "Yes! Jill! Chris is here, and Leon, so is Claire, Brad, and Barry! It turns out that Sherry and Tofu were the masterminds behind this and.. God, there's so much to tell you guys!" "Chris?" Steve asked. "My savior.. he came to save me, didn't he?!" Jill knelt down behind Steve, untying the ropes. "Well, only because he had to. But um, don't worry! Brad and I convinced him to go." She pulled his blindfold off. "Light!" He cried, looking around him for the first time in days. Claire ran in and short stopped in front of Carlos. Chris, Leon, Brad, and Barry also ran in. "You guys! You came to SAVE ME!!" Steve cried, crying tears of joy. Chris undid Carlos' ropes. When he pulled off the blindfold, Carlos leaped out of his feet and shoved his head into Chris' chest, and it hurt. He opened his eyes and looked up. "Oh man! Jill was supposed to untie me!" Carlos protested. Brad clasped his hands together, squinting joyfully. "I think thith callth for a THELEBRATION!!" He cried, throwing his arms out to the sides as confetti flew all over. He snapped a party hat on Chris' head and shoved a horn in his mouth. Chris, with a pissed off face (=.=), blew the horn. It made a noise, the paper front rolling out and rolling back up. "Well, I think we should get out of here right now." Claire said to everyone. Relieved, everyone agreed by nodding. Claire was the first to leave, everyone trailing out behind her and talking to each other.
"Intercept them!" PeeWee cried into the walkie-talkie, sitting back in his chair and watching the group on the monitor. "Send out the CLONES!" A tall man in a suit with sunglasses replied, "Yes sir!" before running off. "Soon it will all be over!!!!" Peewee cried. PeeWee stood up, throwing his arms to the side and maniacally laughing up at the sky. "HURHUR HURHUR HURHUR!"
As for our heroes, they were walking toward the entrance when suddenly a metal shutter fell in front of all of the doors, blocking all ways out. They all stopped and looked at eachother before hearing PeeWee's frightening laugh. It was coming out of loudspeakers around the room. "MUAHAHA! Now, it's time for you to. DIE!!!" The lights in the room went off, causing everyone to reflexively look up. Then, the lights went red. The floor a few yards away fell apart, before mechanical machinery was heard. Suddenly, the Teletubbies came out. Everyone gasped and jumped back, their hearts lurching in fear. "Only I know how to defeat them! Bahaha!" PeeWee chuckled. The Teletubbies were on the move! Everyone ran in a large crowd and screamed, tumbling over eachother. Leon jumped up and screamed in pain as Carlos stepped on his broken toe, when he jumped he saw Dipsy had fallen into a bit of something white, and began to spaz and scream as he burned; the skin that had touched the ground; it burned into his skin like acid. He recovered and continued the chase. Leon stared in disbelief before pulling a chunk of tofu from Tofu (o.O) out of his pocket. He looked at the large morsel. ".The tofu..." He whispered, before looking up.
(Yet another ridiculous Resident Evil fanfic.)
Other stories by me (Cap'n Misato) (all listed under comedy, by the way. And they're ordered from first fic to latest fic.)
A Day In The Life of Brad Vickers
How Sherry Became Retarded
Untitled (Based on a comic I wrote) Dario is a Terrible Writer and Salesman MTV Fear: RE Style!
Steve-lovers, Brad-lovers, feel free to flame. It doesn't make a difference.
Steve gets kidnapped, Brad is a gay superhero, Cops, WHAT'S NEXT?! (Dunna dun. Read on.
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Steve woke up and threw the covers off of his bed as he sat up in his pajamas, smiling brightly. He threw the shutters of his bedroom window open, sunlight pouring into the dim room. It was yet another glorious day! Steve opened the window and poked his head out, stretching out his arms and yawning. He smiled for the warm day, birds chirping. butterflies around, the sky crystal blue... "Oh! Yet another wonderful day in the life of Steve Burnside!" He cried out before a short laughter. A warm breeze came, ruffling his brown hair a bit. He put his finger out, a bluebird landing on it. They sang together, before the bird went ballistic. It flew off of Steve's finger and at his face at godspeed, pecking and clawing his face while shrieking loudly. Steve screamed in horror as more and more birds came, attacking him. He fell backward in his room and rolled around before slapping them all off. They flew out the window-- one coming back and shitting on his favorite teddybear. He cried out in horror.
A few hours later, Steve emerged from his bedroom wearing his regular attire (Think Code Veronica.), and pranced down the staircase. He stumbled over his pet cat, before falling down the stairs. "AHHH!!" cried Steve as he painfully flew down the polished wooden staircase. He had noticed the bad luck he'd been having for the past few hours, but didn't think anything of it. He stood up with a bloody nose, spitting out a tooth and prancing toward his kitchen as he happily sang.
He carefully cracked the eggs onto the pan, singing to himself as he wore a pink apron with laced ends around his waist. "Breakfast time! I just KNOW today is going to be another wonderful day!" He walked away from the stove, smiling brightly as he rummaged through the cabinets for some pepper. " 'Cause it's a thrilllaaa... thriller night, you're fighting for your life inside a, chiller, diller, th-- hmmm?" Steve stood up straight, smelling something burning. "The eggs!!!" He whipped around, crying as he saw the stove was on fire. "Oohh! Now the whole gang can't have my wonderful breakfast!" He ran like hell toward the stove, and when he tried to fix the problem the oven mit on his hand caught fire. He shrieked as he looked at his burning hand and arm, protected temporarily by the mitten. Smoke alarms began to go off throughout the countryside house, and Steve dropped to the floor screaming and crying while he rolled around. "Daddy always said-- stop, drop, and roll!" Steve cried out loud to himself, trying to regain his confidence. He paused. "Da--Da--Da... DAAADDDYYY!!!! AWAAAAAAAAAA!" He began to cry, memories of his father returning.
Meanwhile, Leon had had his door ajar upstairs. He slowly woke up, wiping some drool away from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. Smoke alarms were going off like mad throughout the house, and he saw a hazy cloud of smoke heading up the stairs. He jumped out of bed, fearing the worst. He began to run toward the staircase when he heard Steve's cries and screams. He stopped short in his tracks, stood there for less than a second before walking back to his room and passing out. Not only Leon had awoken (but he was asleep now), but so had Chris. He growled absent-mindedly as he jumped out of bed. "Shit shit shit! Lazy ass bastards, what's going on down THERE?!" Chris thought to himself. He saw the smoke heading up the stairs and the shrill cries of the smoke alarm in the hallway. "Holy shit! FIRE!" He then heard Steve screaming. He raced toward Claire's room and kicked her door open. Claire sat up swiftly, looking away from the TV and toward Chris, half- asleep. "Claire! I think there's a fire downstairs!" He paused, scowling. "I hear Steve screaming down there. GO HELP! You can do it!" Claire stared at him silently before narrowing her eyes softly, yawning. "Look, Chris. You know it's YOUR turn to take care of Steve, we all discussed that two days ago. Now go!" Chris stomped in fury, before swinging around. "Oh, and close the door behind you." Chris slammed the door shut, and Claire turned back to the TV. It seemed that "When Good Homosexuals Go Bad" was back from commercials. Chris heard the television as he swiftly ran down the hall. Chris raced downstairs to see Steve rolling around like an asshole on the floor, screaming. The stove was on fire, and so was Steve's arm. He grabbed the fire extinguisher near the entrance of the kitchen. "Most important stuff comes first!" He raced toward Steve.
Steve saw Chris, his eyes widening with joy and hope as he shouted. "Chris! Oh, thank God, it's you!" He coughed, and then saw Chris with the fire extinguisher racing toward him. "Oh, Chris! You've come to SAVE me! My savior, how can I ever pay.. you.. back?!" Chris jumped over him, and Steve watched as he extinguished the fire on the stove. "CHRIS! HELP ME! GAAAHHH!!" He rolled around some more, screaming as his skin began to feel intense heat. Chris turned away from the oven and began to clear the smoke in the room before remembering Steve. Chris glared back over his shoulder and walked to Steve, completely covering him in foam from the fire extinguisher. Steve was beyond thankful. He pulled the burned mitten off of his hand and brushed the foam out of his eyes. "CHRIS! You've given me a NEW OUTLOOK on life! Thank you! Thank you!" Chris was already halfway up the stairs. He waved Steve off, audibly muttering "Yeah.. sure.. right." Yet again, Steve had failed to make breakfast. Chris looked at the clock, going to lay down-- but it was already 8, so he figured he'd stay up. Anyway, there was no way in hell he'd fall back asleep.
Later that morning, around 9 o'clock, everyone had woken up. Chris and Jill were in the living room, Claire sitting around outside, Leon wearily sitting in the kitchen, Brad on the toilet.... ...Riiight. The doorbell rang, and Steve lifted his head from the notebook he was drawing kitty-cat's and hearts in, and shouted, "I`ll get it!" He jumped up from his seat and frolicked toward the living room, toward the door. Steve slowed to a halt at the door. "Who is it?!" He cried gleefully. A man cleared his voice, but it was still gruff, and he had some sort of accent. Steve recognized it as an Italian accent. "Eh, I gots a pasta delivery wit' some pizza..." Steve looked around a little bit, not remembering ordering any Italian food. But he guessed one of his housemates had. "Ooh! Joy!" Steve threw the door open, smiling and batting his eyelashes before the man grabbed him and pulled him outside. "HELP ME! AHHH!!!" Steve yelled, flailing his thin arms furiously as the man dragged him toward a limo. "Chris, My savior! Jill! Claire! Leon! BRAD, for Christ's sake, HELP ME!!!" He was pulled into the limo, the squealing of it's tires as it took off enough to attract Chris' attention. He looked out the window and saw Steve's foot sticking out from the ajar window of the limo, before it was pulled in the car and the deeply tinted window was closed. "Oh God, he did not just..."
Steve Burnside had been kidnapped by the Mafia.
And since it was Chris' turn to take care of Steve, he HAD to do something-- whether he liked it or not. He hadn't said anything. Maybe Steve wouldn't come back. But one day, a stranger arrived at their door during a thunderstorm. He towered over Chris and held an envelope in his right hand. Jill came up from behind Chris, looking over his shoulder-- as did Brad, Leon, and Claire. "Take this. Read it carefully." said the man, his deep voice as low as the growling thunder. Chris took the envelope into his hands and looked at it. "you son of a bitch.." Chris said. "IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT AND -SAVE- THIS MORON!!" Chris ran at the man and used all of his strength to pull him into the house. Claire assisted him. They threw the huge man down at the couch, despite his height he was rather weak and light. "Alright you bastard... who are you!" Chris tore off the man's hat and trenchcoat, and was shocked to see.. PeeWee Herman?! Everyone jumped back, aghast. PeeWee cowered against the couch. "Uh... uh.. I`m sorry guys! Hurhur! Y'see... they made me do it... and..." "SHUT UP." Chris interrupted. He pulled the envelope from his side and opened it, reading the letter it contained. "..Your little friend is being held by us, the Mafia... if the media or cops find out we will kill him... they say they'll kill him if we don't come up with $2,000 dollars by Friday night and meet us at the ballpit in Chuck E. Cheese's we'll kill him.. Hmm.." There was a long silence before Chris tossed the note aside. "Ah, who cares." He tossed the letter aside, before two hands wrapped around his arms, and he found Brad standing in front of him. "Chris! You cannot do that! Not only is it your turn to take care of Steve, not only does Steve have a cute ass, not only am.. I.. touching your.. " Brad's eyelashes fluttered. "...manly, strong arms.. you HUNK, HOLD ME!!" Brad yelled, throwing himself into Chris' arms. Chris screamed in horror, throwing the odd homosexual away from him. He pulled out a 9mm and aimed it at Brad... Before Jill ran over in his way, yanking the gun from his hands. "Chris! Control yourself, alright?! Forget about Brad's constant burning love for you! STEVE is a human being just like us! And beside, it's YOUR turn to take care of him. We only have five days to come up with $2,000, don't you think we should do something!?" Chris stared at her for a moment with thoughtful eyes, before replying. "No." "CHRIS YOU IDIOT! We have to do something, now!" Chris growled, before replying. "Right!" He looked at PeeWee, as did everyone else. "Uh.. you can go now." PeeWee jumped up from his seat and fleed out the front door.
That night, the group had a discussion. They had decided to open a Fast- Food place. "What will we call it?" Leon asked thoughtfully, sitting up in his seat. Brad sat up. "I know! How about, Brad's Totally Groovy Love Shack!" There was a long silence around the table, everyone, looking at Brad. "Um, okay, forget I said that. It was just a suggestion.." Everyone looked away from the bumbling idiot homo, back to eachother. "So.. listen, we MUST come up with a name." Claire said. "I know, we can put papers in a hat with what we think should be the name, and whichever is picked will be the lucky winner. We'll name it that!" Leon said. Chris glanced at Leon before smashing a hand down on the table. "That's it!" Jill walked around distributing small pieces of paper and a pencil, while Claire went and fetched a hat. In no more than 10 thoughtful minutes everyone had come up with a name they desired. "Okay, fold them up now." Everyone did as Jill said. She took the hat from Claire and nodded in thanks, before walking around the table and allowing everyone to throw their papers in. She handed the hat to Chris, and as he shook it he muttered, "I swear, if we end up having a ridiculous name..." Chris stopped shaking it and placed it down on the table. Everyone sat up or slightly leaned forward in anticipation. Chris looked away from the hat and pulled out a paper. He unfolded it and looked down at it.. his jaw dropping to the ground. Everyone sat up, wide-eyed. "What? What is it?!" Chris slowly placed the paper down, his gaze trailing up to a happy-looking Brad. His head grew giant and his eyes turned red, as he towered over Brad, and screamed "YOU LITTLE SHIT!" as loud as he could. He turned back to normal and leaped over the coffee table, the paper flying up in the air and landing in Jill's lap. She looked down on it and growled in anger, jolting toward Chris and Brad to join the fight. When Jill jumped, the paper landed at Claire's feet. She picked it up and looked down on it, reading "Brad's Groovy Love Shack". Also infuriated, she leaped over the back of the couch to join the Brad-bashing. The paper went off somewhere, unknown. Leon looked around a little bit, before shoving the last of the popcorn in his mouth and shrugging. He looked over at the fight and blinked, spitting out the popcorn and just running in for the hell of it.
Steve sat in the back of the limo between two huge Italian men in suits. Across from him sat a larger man with sunglasses, tons of gold chains and rings, quite fat with a white suit on. His black hair was slicked back. A woman in a black skirt and black tubetop with a large bust and juicy lips sat beside him, her long dark brown hair flowing onto her shoulders. Her legs were crossed, ruby-red lips pursed, her dark purple eye shadow giving her a very prostitute-ish look.
"...What did you guys pick anyway?" Claire asked. "Beside you, Brad." Leon stood up, balling his hand into a fist as the veins in his neck popped out. "LEON'S STEAKHOUSE OF JUSTICE!!!" He said so with a jump, the screen behind him rushing and his yell echoing. Everyone stared blankly at him. He sat down. "Well...!" said Claire, standing up before holding up a sign that read the name she had chosen. "...Try something better, like... CLAIRE'S ROCK N' ROLL CAFE!" She said so strongly, her voice echoing. The camera zoomed out, Chris and Leon clapping for her while smiling brightly. "That /is/ rather in poor taste.." said Brad, Jill knowing that Leon and Chris were only clapping for the name because Leon liked her, and Chris was her supportive big brother. Claire planted a punch right in his face. Really, Jill thought it was absolutely retarded, but decided to say nothing. "GRR." Chris growled, standing up and smashing a foot onto the coffee table in front of him, making a fist. "ThePlaceWhereWeShouldKillMoronsLikeBradAndRebecca!" Everyone nodded thoughtfully, Claire, Jill, and Leon clapping enthusiastically. Jill stood up, clearing her throat. "Jill's Striphouse & Restaraunt!" She shouted, standing up with a whip in her right hand, in tight leather short-short- SHORT-shorts, a tight bellyshirt-tubetop, big combat boots, fishnet panty- hoes on, and a spike bracelet along. Chris and Leon laughed maniacally, jumping up red-faced and madly applauding together as they looked up. "Thank you, thank you." Jill took a bow.
Steve looked around nervously, out the tinted window. They were slowing to a stop toward the border of the city, beside a warehouse. "Listen kid.. ya fuck dingz up, and I'm gunna kill ya." said the largest man. Steve cowered into his seat, crying as he hugged his teddy bear. Meanwhile, the others were having much better luck. They had already established a blueprint of the place, and Brad was in the middle of designing uniforms. He was obviously gleeful about the fact that "Brad's Groovy Love Shack" would be the name of the restaurant, and how he was in charge of costuming. Chris said Claire should, but Jill proposed that since it was named after Brad's idea he should design the uniforms the employees would wear. "Oh, this is WONDERFUL!" He sobbed with joy, sitting on the floor of his room cutting the lacy pink material into strips. Claire was coming up with how they would write the name of the place-- Brad insisted that it would be all bubbly and light colored, with kittens and bunnies painted on 'em and stuff. Chris was angrily pacing in circles in his room, once in a while stopping to look at the blueprints and think of arrangements, Leon taking calls from people looking to work there. By around 3 AM, they had found a place to buy so they didn't have to pay for construction fees-- after all, they HAD to save Steve, they had no choice. Establishing a building would take many months to years, and they only had five days to get the $2,000. Nobody slept that night, as they went to the place and began to build, create and design like mad. No more than a day later had they been ready to open for business.
"Um, you guys! I think my blindfold's falling off.." yelled Steve, locked in a room seperate from where the few members of the Mafia were. Steve heard a door open, and in stepped one of the goons. He saw the goon when the man tore his blindfold off. Then, the goon slipped out of his fake body, revealing a very tan complexion.. he took off his mask.. it was CARLOS! "Hey little buddy!" Carlos yelled, jumping from side to side as he did the Cabbage Patch dance move. "CARLOS! It's you!" Carlos danced around. "Are you here to save me?" Carlos touched his head, shoulders, knees and toes repeatedly. Then, he began to spin around like a ballerina on the tip of his toes with his hands joined above his head. "..Carlos?" Steve asked. Carlos stopped, still bouncing around. "Si man! I heard about the mess you were in, so I came to save you with my..." The screen turned pink, rays of blue shooting out all over. Big bubbly letters erupted from the center of the screen, reading "CARLOS POWERS!!" A deep manly voice said it out loud, a shine running across the green letters. Carlos popped up from the middle of the screen with pursed lips and yelled "Yessir! Carlos powers! MMMWAAHHH!!" He gave the screen a big kiss. Steve raised an eyebrow, staring at Carlos. "Uh, can you untie me now?" Carlos jumped up and turned around, striking a pose. "Why yes I can, man!" They both turned their heads to look at the door when they heard faint voices. "What was that?" "What was what?" "I hear noise where we're keeping the kid.." "You do?" "Ya sure?" "Yep." "Better go check it out.." They both heard heavy footsteps coming toward the door. Steve and Carlos gasped in horror and looked at each other. "Great! You've gone and done it now!" Steve whispered harshly, before Carlos turned off the light in the closet. The doorknob budged before a large figure appeared in the hallway, eating an apple. It flicked on the light and looked at Steve. Steve's blindfold was on the floor, and he was smiling innocently and nervously at the large man, Carlos hiding under the small wooden chair-- not too well, may I add. His ass was sticking out from under the front of the chair, and he was visibly covering his eyes. The man looked at the pair in silence, before stepping forward.
Meanwhile, Claire, Chris, Jill, Brad, and Leon had finished setting up their place. They had three days to make $2,000, so they needed some EXPERT chefs. Leon sat at a table in the unopened place as the others set up. "Okay, it seems that the only expert chefs we have right now are that chef from The Muppet Show, Barry Burton, Rebecca Chambers, and Enrico Marini. Brad, what do you say?" Brad sat up and leaned forward, putting a hand forward. "Well, actually, I`d go with Rebecca Chambers and the chef from The Muppet Show." Chris slammed his fists on the table. "REBECCA?! ARE YOU INSANE!!!!" Brad simply shook his head and Leon looked at Jill, who nodded slightly but obviously uneasily. "Okay," Leon said, "I`ll call the two right now." Chris stood in silence in a shadowy corner, facing the wall. A soft gust of wind visibly moved by Chris, making a whistling noise.
Carlos sat beside Steve, identical... Tied to the chair and blindfolded. "Great job, Carlos." Steve muttered.
Brad looked up from the counter and looked around with a gasp, his super senses sensing the trouble Carlos and Steve were in. "Carlos and Steve are IN TROUBLE!!" he shouted, standing up. Jill turned her head to look at him, as did everyone else. "What? How do you know?" Brad turned to Jill, his jaw set. "I can SMELL it..." He sniffed the air really, REALLY hard after turning his head to the side and making a fist, a vein popping out on his forehead. Everyone was obviously either not believing him or skeptical, due to the expressions on their face. Brad whipped from side to side, before screaming "I MUST SAVE THEM!" And running out the door. To make it more dramatic, he added, "To the Bradmobile!" He burst through the front doors and raced down the street quickly, obviously heading toward the city. "Ugh. Let's go catch that idiot before he screws things up." Leon proposed, quickly striding outside to his car with Jill, Chris, and Claire.
Brad's super senses directed him in the direction he had to go. He heard blips, like a radar noise. "I must hurry..!" he cried, before stopping next to a phone booth. He ran in, and the booth shook and glowed up. He jumped out no more than five seconds later, in tight yellow spandex pants, a tight red spandex shirt, a green cape and a tight green spandex vest on him. He had small black boots with small heels, and a green cloth mask on. It was tied in the back and had two holes cut in it, where his eyes were. It was basically an eye mask (think Robin, from Batman. It's not a full-face mask. Just for the eyes, like a blindfold with holes for the eyes.). "SUPER BRAD!!!!!" He cried out, before racing down the street as fast as he could.
Meanwhile, Leon had just taken off. Chris sat in the front beside him, Jill and Claire in the backseats. "Hurry! Follow Brad!" Claire cried out. The car took off, the tires squealing as they headed off into the streets. A little bit later, someone finally spoke, breaking the two-minute silence. "Uh... guys?" Jill asked. "What?" everyone else asked, looking at her-- except for Leon, who was keeping his eyes on the road. "Exactly. what direction.. DID Brad run off to?" There was a silence, before Chris smiled. " Haha... Don't sweat the little stuff, right?" Chris asked, putting a hand behind his head. He began to laugh. Everyone looked at each other and stared at him for a moment before they began to laugh too, the camera zooming out, their laughter not heard as loud.. heard as if from some distance.
Brad raced toward the city border, just about there. One hand was out in front of him, and he repeatedly had been heard yelling things such as "Super Brad away!" "SUPER BRAD WILL SAVE THE DAY." "Here I come my sexy male comrades!", stupid shit like that. Oh, and while he was running he'd come up with his own theme song, and another alias he might just go by-- Wonder Brad. He stopped short in his tracks and crouched down, putting a hand to his ear, trying to use his super senses to get Steve and Carlos' exact location. He looked around, before standing up. "I`M COMING!" He started to run, but a Chinese man delivering Chinese food by bicycle hit him. Brad fell flat on his face, the bike ramming into his back and running him over, before sliding on it's side and falling to the ground. Meanwhile, the Chinese guy went flying in the air. Red hot Chinese food flew everywhere, showering on Brad and the fallen Chinese man.
"So.. have you seen Michael Jackson's new video, compadre?" Carlos asked Steve. Steve sighed. "Yes, Carlos, I have. And he's still looking like a freak. Ha ha. Jack-o the Whacko...." Carlos gasped at Steve, almost screaming. "HOW DARE YOU! He is not a whacko! He is one of my IDOLS, man!" Steve snorted. "Humph. Brittney Spears could beat him any day." "What! That BIMBO!?" "She's not a bimbo!!" "Oh yes she is." Steve was on the verge of crying, before crying out in RAGE. While he was in the middle of his furious scream, Carlos furiously screamed, too. Since they couldn't stand, they jumped toward each other while still blindfolded and tied to their seats. They began to clash... literally, just waving around and smashing into each other, both still seated in the chairs. One of the mobsters burst through the door and turned the light on. "Ey! What's goin on in here!?" He saw Steve and Carlos still tied to their chairs, repeatedly jumping at each other, smashing into each other, bouncing back and repeating the process. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU MORONS!?" the mobster shouted. Steve and Carlos immediately stopped, looking at the source of the voice with a gasp of surprise. "Well," Carlos began, "first HE said Michael Jackson is a freaky whacko, man! And then he said BRITTNEY SPEARS could beat Jackson any day!! So then I said she was a bimbo, and he freaked out! So I freaked out! It was a chain reaction, maaan! You know what I mean?!" The mobster had already turned the lights off and left.
The group had pulled over at a gas station. Chris got out of the car and went to a worker working outside. "Hey, did you see a man run by yelling about saving someone?" The worker turned around... and it was... REBECCA! "OH CHRIS MY LOVE IT'S YOU!!!!" Chris immediately jumped back with his hands in front of him, like he was blocking her. "OH MY GOD! NO! NO! NOOOO!" Chris screamed at the top of his lungs, each time he ran out of breath a new extra loud scream of horror erupting from his throat. Rebecca reached out in front of her, standing on her tipi-toes as she slowly shuffled toward Chris, her eyes frighteningly big and shiny. "CHRIIISSS" She stood up straight, taking off her hat and running a hand through her hair. She said in her annoying voice,"I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU CUZ I HEARD YOUR OH- SO-MANLY VOICE BABY! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHOLE WEEK!" She shouted, jumping toward and latching onto him, clinging. "OH MY GOD! NNNNNNNNNNOOO!! GET IT OFF! Get it OFF!" He yelled loudly, running in circles and flailing his arms. He rolled around repeatedly, and thrashed everywhere, but she still wouldn't get off. Chris looked toward the car. Jill, Leon, and Claire were watching from inside, the windows all closed.. all of their expressions horrified. "Help me! Help meee!!!" He screamed, trying to pry Rebecca off with his hands. He then started using a crowbar when Rebecca stopped, tilting her head to the side. "THE MOMENT OF ..." "Of what!?" a terrified Chris studdered out." Rebecca smiled widely. "ME FIRST KISSSSSSSSSSSS. Kiss me YOU FOOL!" Rebecca licked her lips, slobber all over. Now Chris was REALLY horrified and scared. "WHY ME! GOD! HELP MEEE!!!!!" He grunted, trying to get away from the psychotic annoying eighteen year old. She came closer and closer. "PUCKER UP!!!" She yelled. Right before their lips met , the car door burst open and a furious Jill Valentine rushed out and toward Chris and Rebecca. "JILL!", cried Claire, reaching out. "Jill!" Leon shouted. "JILL!!!" Chris screamed in relief, seeing the furious woman rushing toward the two. Rebecca stopped, and looked at her. "JILL?! NO!!" "YOU BITCH!!" Jill spat, before leaping up and tackling Rebecca. She cleanly slid off of Chris, Chris still standing. Rebecca flailed her limbs everywhere. "Is she defending herself... or having a seizure?" Leon asked, watching inside the car. Jill picked up a tickle stick (those sticks with the little hands on the ends, not backscratchers.) and ran after Rebecca. Surprisingly, Rebecca was fast as she ran.. but not fast enough. She ran into the mini-mart part of the gas station. Jill ran right THROUGH the glass door, and her voice was heard as she ran in and jumped on Rebecca. "Jill Valentine Tickle Attack!" The mini-mart began bouncing all over, loud noises heard and Rebecca's hysterical idiotic laughter. The rest was seen as silhouettes.
And for once, Brad was having much better luck. Kind of. The Chinese man was on his feet screaming at Brad in Chinese. Brad looked on, brain-dead and oblivious to what he was saying. "Ohh! Thank you! You forgive me?" The man screamed in Chinese, not actually forgiving him but saying "you friggin' cracker! no!" in Chinese. Brad smiled widely. "I always liked you sexy Chinese men!" He thought of something in Chinese to say, but couldn't think anything up. He pranced off into the night, the Chinese man staring on. "You stupid faggot." The Chinese man said in English, with a heavy Chinese accent.
The French chef from The Muppet Show walked into Brad's Groovy Love Shack, to find it empty. ".Hello?"
"There he goes!" Claire cried in an urgent voice, pointing to the right. Brad was WAY ahead of them, down the block and turning the corner. "Speed up!" Chris yelled. Leon panicked. "I can't! It's against the law to go over 10 mph on these streets, I could get in some really big trouble, even maybe..." He gasped, large bags appearing under his eyes. ".I COULD GET FIRED." Chris looked at Leon for a moment before replying. "Who cares! We're off duty!" Leon trembled. "But-but-but you and Jill aren't regular cops, and a rookie, LIKE ME!" "Hurry up! Go!" Claire shouted, gripping the seat in front of her. "Come on!" Jill yelled. Soon, the car erupted into this huge commotion, everyone screaming at Leon and Leon panicking and yelling, too. Chris purposely slid his foot over and pushed the pedal all the way. "Hey, lead-foot, you might wanna stop that!" Jill yelled at Chris. Leon screamed, flailing his arms before grabbing on tightly to the steering wheel and kicking Chris' foot away. The car swerved everywhere, everyone inside suddenly looking up and screaming as they spun in a circle, straight toward a wall. The tires squealed before there was this overwhelmingly loud smash, almost deafening. Upon impact, the whole front of the car was smashed, and everyone went flying forward, the screaming immediately stopping, the only sound for the next few minutes the ticking of cooling metal. "Is everyone alright?" Claire's worried voice came up faint from back. "Yes." Jill and Chris responded. Leon slowly raised his head, his nose bleeding. "I`m alive." He said. Everyone looked at him, arching a brow. Leon screamed. "I`M ALIVE!!" He threw his seatbelt off and ran outside of the car, throwing his arms in the air and falling to his knees. "I LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" He shouted. Everyone in the car watched him like he had three heads. "I`m alive and well! WOOHOO! YEAH!" He threw a fist up in the air jumping, before a bus came speeding down the street and hit him.
Leon was now missing 76% of his teeth, had a fat lip, a bloody nose, a black eye, cuts, and his arm and ankle in casts. Chris looked around a little bit as he got out of the car last, before seeing some guy park a topless sport's car right in front of a store, the music blasting out. He stared at the young man hop out of his car and jump onto the sidewalk, walking into the store. He left his keys in the car! Chris was obviously happy, so Chris, Jill, Claire, and a crippled Leon looked in the direction he was looking, and all got the point. Simultaneously, they all rushed in the direction of the car. Chris leaped over the door, jumping into the driver's seat. Jill hopped into the passengers seat and Leon and Claire into the back. Chris sped off, the sunglassed man running out into the street and giving chase to the car, screaming like a madman. But they didn't care! So, Chris was doing 90 mph down the street when he heard sirens in the distance. "Aw, SHIT!" Jill yelled, looking back and seeing a police car turn the corner with the tires screeching and the car swinging everywhere. It gained control and sped after them. "No! NOT NOW!" Claire yelled, looking over her shoulder. "Pull over!!" A voice came from the chasing police car behind them. But Chris wasn't ready to give up!
Albert Wesker lay in a hospital bed somewhere in the city with a teddy bear under his right arm, as he was fed applesauce through a tube that went into his arm. He'd just gotten his poor wittle tonsils removed, and was watching Cops. The police man sat in the seat of the car, talking with a hick accent. "Yup.. them bad-doers are everywhere, even in a little serene place like this here Raccoon Citay. and.. oh, look look. Thar's one now." The camera in the car showed a red sports car speeding down the street. "Ya.. ya.. he's uh, doin' about 90 miles PER hour. the limit is uh, 60.. yep, yep. Let's go bust em." The police car sped up, as the cop received transmissions through his walkie talkie. "Pull over!!" the cop screamed. "Yep.. yep, thar's a good three or four people in thar. 2 guys and 2 gals.. yup, yup, they're probably doin drugs or somethin' like that, of the illegal sort.damn groupies." the Cop muttered as he sped up and pulled up beside the car. "Police! Pull over that there veh-hee-cal right now! I have authoritah." he said to the driver of the car. Wesker sat up in his bed, pulling his shades down a little bit and was surprised to see Chris Redfield driving the car! Even more surprised to see Jill Valentine, Chris' sister, and that rookie Leon Kennedy looking pretty beat up. Wesker clutched his blue teddy bear in anticipation, waiting for something exciting to happen (Exciting to him would be the car blowing up or going flying off the road).
Chris looked at the cop and screamed at him. "Look pal, FUCK YOU! Me, and this lady sitting beside me work for a special division of the police department! And this injured guy in the backseat is a COP, too!" The cop yelled at Chris back. "I dun care! Authority or not, PULL OVER NOW!!" He smashed into the side of the car. Everyone screamed at the top of their lungs in unison (Leon, Chris, Claire, and Jill did), as Chris struggled to regain control of the car as it swerved madly.
Wesker sat up quickly, smiling widely before the TV shut off. "WHAT! WHO.. WHO, WHO DID THAT!?" he looked around quickly. He was the only one in the dark room, and was struggling to talk because he'd gotten his tonsils removed not too much earlier. He flicked on the nightlight in the room, looking around. "Helllooo??" He asked, slowly standing up and throwing the teddy bear on the bed. He navigated himself around the room. It was like, 10 o' clock so even outside it would be dim and silent, everyone was sleeping. And quite frankly, Wesker had to make weewee. He held onto his crotch and whined like a baby, frantically running down the hallway.
ANYWHO, in the meanwhile Carlos and Steve were STILL being held. "So, what do you think of cabbage?" Carlos asked Steve. Steve sat silent, not replying to Carlos' idiotic questions.
.Chris was.. KO'd! The car was quickly swerving to the side of the road, and since Jill was closest she grabbed the wheel the second he fell back. Claire got the idea and pulled Chris into the back seat, to get out of Jill's way. "OWWIIIEEEE!!!" Leon cried out, Chris crushing his broken arm. "AHHH! AHH! MY ARM! MY ARRRMMM!!!" Leon screamed. Claire was yelling at Leon to shut up as she tried to move Chris into the passenger's seat, while Jill looked back over her shoulder. And when she did. CRASH! The car hit a tree on the side of the road, and the front burst into flames. The officer in the car pulled up to the car, grinning like a triumphant idiot when all of a sudden..! A helicopter was heard, and it was getting louder. Everyone looked up as a whirlwind of dust and wind came upon them, like a hurricane. Leon winced, having the best view when all of a sudden, a rope fell! Who was it?! Leon tried to see the figure in the open door of the chopper.
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!!!" tittered Alfred loudly. Claire's eyebrows dropped from hopeful to firm. /What the hell does he want now../ Claire thought to herself. "Climb up my little pretties!" he shouted in a high-pitched voice. Chris had awoken. Everyone looked at each other before shrugging, Jill being first to descend the climb. "'EY! YOU CANT DO DAT!" The hick cop screamed up at Jill. The cop looked at the screen, nodding slightly. "Yep, yep, dis is wild.. I`ma gonna have ta call fer backup." Chris smiled widely, staring up Jill's skirt before a first clunked down on his head. "HEY!" he cried, turning to Claire. "Go, you idiot!" she yelled at him. Chris shrugged and started to climb the rope. Jill smiled widely, looking up Chris' skirt. Chris looked down and screamed, shocked and horrified to see he was wearing a skirt. "HOW DID THAT GET THERE?! JILL, HOW DID YOU GET THERE?! I JUST SAW YOU CLIMBING. the. rope..?" Chris looked up and Alfred looked down on him, wearing the same thing as Jill. "I love cosplaying!" Alfred cried. Chris fell silent, disturbed. After Jill, Claire was pulling Leon up with her, the rope being pulled up into the chopper. Leon's broken leg smashed against the car windshield. "AAIIIIEEEE!!" He cried in pain. Then, the same leg bounced off of the sides of the helicopter as he was pulled up into the door on the bottom of the chopper. "ASDFGHJKLDFJFKSHAURTUMNVJDMSUDFKDHD!" Alfred pointed forward as he stepped into the cockpit, smiling widely. "To the warehouse!" He cried in yet another high-pitched voice, sounding like when men try to impersonate women. The pilot, who was actually Nemesis pushed forward on the joystick, as they descended into the night. "Stars! Stars!" he yelled at the co-pilot, who was FILING HIS NAILS. Mr. X jumped in his seat, looking over at Nemesis. "..." "STARS!" "...!! ..." "Stars! Stars! STARS!" "..? ..!!!!! .... ." Nemesis, outraged, slapped Mr. X across the face with one large hand. Mr. X's face went flying to the right, and he looked down before looking at Nemesis, the corners of his mouth pulled down and his eyes sad. "...!!!!" "Stars! Stars!! STARS!!!!!" Nemesis cried, as the whole scene started to be a soap opera. ".. . ..!!! ....." Mr. X had a dramatic flashback after saying: I`ll never forget!!! How you touched me.." In the monster language. Nemesis and Mr. X picked flowers together in an extraordinary field. "Come and catch me Nemmy!" Mr. X said in his silent "." language in his flashback, Nemesis and him giggling as Nemesis chased him back and forth through a field, strobe-mode. Once they moved their figures where they last were faded away. Mr. X sat in the front yard of their country house, Nemesis smiling at Mr. X from the window in the kitchen as he watched him, Nemesis himself busy cooking. It was a beautiful day, and they lived in this gorgeous country side house surrounded by butterflies and flowers. On Valentines Day, Mr. X handed Nemesis a pink heart-shaped box with chocolates inside, the box itself reading "..." Translation: "To My Nemmy- poo" in golden script.
Nemesis looked at Mr. X in silence for a moment. "STARS STARS STARS!!!!!" He screamed at the co-pilot, translation: "THAT NEVER HAPPENED!" Mr. X smiled dreamily to himself, his hands on his blushing cheeks. ".." Translation: "I know." Alfred sat in the back with the four. "Okay! Okay!" he cried, the chatter stopping. "I`ve come up with this great clothing line! Wanna know what it's called?! Huh? HUH? HUH?!" Chris blinked. "No." Jill nudged Chris, before replying. "Uh, um, yeah.. yeah, sure Alfred! We'd love to!" Leon bit his lower lip as his eyebrows lowered angrily, Chris doing the same as they looked at Jill. Alfred jumped to his feet. "Now presenting, the brand new. ALFRED'S CLOTHES FOR SOPHISTICATED PERSONS!" Alfred stopped smiling and narrowed his eyes, looking at the four. "Not that any of you are SOPHISTICATED. The Ashford roots go back to royalty! My sister and I ar-" Claire stood up, screaming at him. "Would you shut the hell up about your sister?! My GOD, everything!" She used a high-pitched voice with an accent. "Alexia, Alexia, Alexia this, Alexia that, my sister, my sister, blah BLAH BLAH, BLAH-DE- FUCKIN-BLAH! SHUT THE HELL UP ALFRED!"
The helicopter lowered to the ground, Jill, Claire, Chris, and Leon being thrown out of the chopper or shoved out. One by one they staggered out and hit the ground. "Nobody trashes my sister! NOBODY YOU HEAR?!" Alfred cried, as he began to giggle loudly, the chopper lifting off. His giggles faded into the deep night. "ARRRGGGH!" Leon cried, his broken arm being crushed by Claire. Everyone stood up, absolutely pleased at where he had thrown them-right in front of the warehouse! Or so they thought. "I`ll go in first, be right back." Chris said. The three nodded and began to brush themselves off, waiting for Chris to return.
"99,081,781 bottles of beer on the wall, 99,081,781 bottles of beer.." Steve and Carlos sang together. "Take one down, pass it around, 99,081,780 bottles of beer on the wall."
Chris opened the door in the alley way, dim light pouring out. He stepped in-it smelled like perfume and cigarettes. "What the hell?" Chris asked himself as he stepped in. All of a sudden, three half-naked women in feather boa's and bikini's jumped out and seduced him. "What the hell?! Cool!" Chris yelled, before catching a glimpse of the three-one was about 60 years old, the other one was a transvestite, and the other one had a huge nose and beady little eyes. "OH MY GOD! GET OFF! AHHH!!" The 60 year old clinged on to Chris as he thrashed about to get them off of him. He kicked her in the stomach and she fell back. "Where am I? What's going on! WHAT THE F-CK!" Chris screamed, seeing whores sitting on couches and porn posters on the dirty walls. There were two men wearing purple silk disco clothes, one black with an afro, the other wearing a bright green hat with a feather sticking out. Disco music began to play as old women wearing Rio Carnival style clothes did Cartwheels past the two as they tapped their feet to the beat. They both turned around, one wearing sunglasses-the one with the afro. The other one tipped his hat up, and Chris was shocked to see that it was the humble African- American cop Marvin and Ark! The music stopped as a record scratched, and Marvin and Ark stared at Chris wide-eyed. Marvin's sunglasses fell off. The two of them zoomed into a room and zoomed back in front of Chris in less than a second. Marvin wearing his police uniform, having his normal hair and Ark his usual attire. Marvin looked back and forth between the whores the Chris. "Um.. um.. yeah! This is illegal! Everyone, uh, stop! You're un-un-under ARREST! All of you! Yeah!" Marvin looked at Chris. "Oh, Chris! Here to help?!" Ark put his hands in front of him, screaming: "I`M A LOST PERSON WITH AMNESIA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I`M DOING HERE! REALLY!" Suddenly, Claire smashed into the door, making it swing open and hit the wall. All heads turned. "Wait! That's not Ark and Marvin!" She pointed at the two. "What?" Chris asked, as Jill and Leon barged in. Jill aimed a missile launcher at the two, so they both put their hands up. Claire walked up and Ripped their masks off- it was Sherry on stilts and TOFU!!! Leon wondered how Chris couldn't have noticed the blue eyes and brown fingerpaint all over Sherry's face, and how he didn't notice that Tofu was completely regular-just wearing a plastic mask of Ark and a wig that sat on the top of his square self. "HaHaHaHa!" Sherry the 12 year-old laughed in Claire's face, puffing a cloud of smoke in it from her cigarette after a long drag. Claire squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath for a moment before coughing. "You can't stop me." Sherry hacked. Claire backed off. "Ew." Tofu walked toward Leon quickly, waddling-each step making a squeaking noise from his non-existent feet. He slapped Leon. "OW!" Leon cried, cowering against the wall. "ARGH! FUCK THIS!" Jill was heard screaming, before a click followed by a hollow noise and a "whoooooooosh" sound. A missile hit Tofu, makng him explode into countless little pieces of Tofu. As he exploded, he screamed something in Japanese. Leon looked, stunned. "GAH! My partner in crime! No! You bitttchhh!!" Sherry screamed, leaping off of her stilts and running at Jill. Jill dropped the empty missile launcher and readied herself, looking up at a bar on the ceiling and then down at Sherry. But before Sherry even got to her Claire stuck her foot out, simple as that, sending the pre-teen flying to be sprawled out on the ground at Jill's feet. She didn't move. "Is she dead..?" Jill asked uneasily, looking at Chris and Claire. They shrugged, so Chris walked over and stood in front of the fallen Sherry. He nudged her on the shoulder with his foot a few times. Chris looked back at the two. "No, I`m pretty sure she's dead." He replied. "Chris! LOOK OUT!!" was all Chris heard before he saw Sherry moving out of the corner of his eye. Just like a midget, Sherry jumped up and bit his nuts (Heh, think of Austin Powers 2.. yanno, if you've seen it.. Mini-Me does this to Austin in outer space.). Chris looked down and screamed in horror and pain, and began running in circles. "RRRR!!!" Sherry screamed. Jill chased Chris. "Chris! Wait up! I can help! COME BAAACK!!!" Chris just screamed and screamed and screamed, while one of Tofu's loyal 60 year old whores jumped up and attacked Claire by doing an insane tribal dance around her. Claire kicked the old woman away, only to be ambushed by countless whores. One punched her in the face, very weak hit but she felt it. When she turned around to beat that whore another one kicked her. She was completely surrounded. Chris ran by screaming, Sherry "RRRRR!!"-ing, Jill chasing and screaming that she could help if he just calmed down. And, amidst all of the Chaos, Leon sat crouched down beside Tofu's remains and picked a large chunk of tofu out of it, arching a brow before taking a bite. Suddenly, a triumphant, loud, hyper superhero theme blasted throughout the warehouse. All stopped, turning their heads to the door, which was open and glowing. Chris stopped and stared, Sherry turned her head and stared, Jill crashed into Chris' back before also staring, the whores stared, Claire stared, and Leon; who was in the middle of eating tofu with his hands; stared. A chorus started, before a gay yet heroic voice played. "Never fear.." A silhouette appeared in the immense light, a cape flowing behind it and the hands on the person's hips. "SUPER BRAD IS HERE!" He shouted, as he jumped in. The light faded, and he put a hand in front of him. "I MUST BRING JUSTICE!" He shouted, before seeing Sherry. He stopped short and stared in disbelief, before shrieking: "MY CHRISSSSYYY!!!!! That's it! Barry Boy! Enter!" Suddenly, Barry leaped in behind Brad wearing a blue cape, a black eye-mask, spandex dark purple pants, bright yellow boots, and a spandex red top. He also wore black leather gloves. Everyone stared at the pair for a moment before chaos ensued, Brad and Barry diving into Battle. Brad was next to Jill, chasing Chris and frantically yelling that he could help. Jill looked at him as she ran. "You're only making him run faster!" she yelled. Claire fought off the whores. Leon was about to pick up Tofu when someone stepped on his hand. "ARRRGH!!" He cried in pain, his two sprained fingers being crushed. He looked up and saw.. CHARLIE CHAPLIN?! He ran toward the whores, completely black and white, literally looking like he came out of a super-old film. He began to bash the whores with his cane, and once he killed them all he started to run after Chris with Brad and Jill. Claire joined, and so did Barry. "Chris!" everyone screamed in unison. Leon stood up as they ran by and looked back and forth, puzzled, before just running too, for the hell of it. "GET HER OFF! GET HER OFF OF ME!" Chris screamed, running in circles. Finally, someone just shot Sherry in the head. But who? The author, of course, who needed a way to end this scene! Suddenly, a hidden door slid open in the back of the room. Barry, Brad, Jill, Chris, Claire, and Leon all looked at each other before running toward the door. Brad stopped, looking at a whore.
"99,075, 752 bottles of beer on the wall, 99,075,752 bottles of beer..." Steve and Carlos restlessly sang. "Take one down, pass it around, 99,075, 751 bottles of beer on the wall." They were both bored and wondered if anyone was ever gonna come save them.
"YOU." Brad cried, running over. "You tell me what's going on or you'll FACE MY WRATH!" The woman looked at him for a moment, before looking away. "Go away." Brad frowned, standing up straight. "You want to do it the hard way?!" The whore leaped up, smiling enthusiastically. "Sure! Why not?!" she cried. Brad nodded a bit before backing off. "Sorry, I don't go that way." "The straight way?" "The straight way." The whore sat down again. "Go away." Brad was outraged. "Well.. then.. take.. THIS!!!!!" He pulled a wooden leprechaun out from behind him. "NO! No! Not the wooden leprechaun! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!" Brad held it out. "Then tell me what you know!" The woman replied, "Hmph." Brad held out the leprechaun. "Aye! Top o' the mornin' to ya!" the wooden leprechaun said. "GAH!! Okay, okay! The two that you're here looking for. the Spanish one came in a while back and failed to get your other friend out of here. They're in the very back room of this warehouse, the door of the closet they're in has a poster that says 'Be cool! Stay in school!' on it." Brad stood. "Yes! Thank you ma'am!" He pointed forward and ran out of the room.
Claire was the first to enter the next room. Four or five Mafia members sat at a table-the table covered in food, garbage, cards, packs of cigars and cigarettes, and some lighters and matchboxes. The members were wearing pink ballerina outfits. They all looked before standing up and gasping. "Get her! She must die! She's seen too much!" They began to run at her before Leon limped in front of her. "REVE KLAIR LONE" He cried, sounding off because he had barely any teeth and a broken jaw. All of the members stared at each other, before one pointed at Leon. "GET HIM! HE'S AN ARAB!" The group ran at Leon. Chris, Barry, Jill, and Brad barged in. The men were far too large for them, what could they possibly do and where could they go? Jill looked around frantically, before seeing a crowbar. She ran off into a pile of crates. The overweight men began to pound Chris, Brad, and Claire. Barry stood there, watching with his head tilted to the side, some drool oozing out of the corner of his mouth. As for Leon- he was out cold, on the floor near the table. A few minutes later, Jill climbed up on a crate. "HEY! YOU! ALL OF YOU!" She screamed at the Mafia dudes. They hadn't beaten the crap out of her yet, so they slowly walked toward her, cracking their knuckles. "Oh-ho-ho, you're gonna try and hurt ME? Oh?" "Yeh." One of the men replied. "Oh yeah!?" Jill snapped back. "Yeah!" the group shot back. "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" "Oh yeah?!" "Yeah!!!" "OH YEAH?!!!?" "YEAH!!" The group started to run at her, when she threw her arms in the air. "NOW!" A ton of killer squirrels dove from above, ran through the door, and jumped over the crate in front of her. "ATTAACKK!! MUAHAHA!!" Jill laughed like a mad woman as her evil henchmen attacked. Claire, Brad and Chris were awake, watching in shock as evil squirrels attacked the men. When the attack was over, there was silence as the chattering creatures ran off. "Well, I was going to say we could do that." Brad insisted. Jill jumped over the crate and raced toward the closet door. She swung it open and turned on the lights, seeing Carlos and Steve. "98,076,891 bottles of beer on the wall, 98,076,891 bottles of beer." "Carlos! Steve!" She shouted. "Take one down, pa-Jill!?" they both cried. "Yes! Jill! Chris is here, and Leon, so is Claire, Brad, and Barry! It turns out that Sherry and Tofu were the masterminds behind this and.. God, there's so much to tell you guys!" "Chris?" Steve asked. "My savior.. he came to save me, didn't he?!" Jill knelt down behind Steve, untying the ropes. "Well, only because he had to. But um, don't worry! Brad and I convinced him to go." She pulled his blindfold off. "Light!" He cried, looking around him for the first time in days. Claire ran in and short stopped in front of Carlos. Chris, Leon, Brad, and Barry also ran in. "You guys! You came to SAVE ME!!" Steve cried, crying tears of joy. Chris undid Carlos' ropes. When he pulled off the blindfold, Carlos leaped out of his feet and shoved his head into Chris' chest, and it hurt. He opened his eyes and looked up. "Oh man! Jill was supposed to untie me!" Carlos protested. Brad clasped his hands together, squinting joyfully. "I think thith callth for a THELEBRATION!!" He cried, throwing his arms out to the sides as confetti flew all over. He snapped a party hat on Chris' head and shoved a horn in his mouth. Chris, with a pissed off face (=.=), blew the horn. It made a noise, the paper front rolling out and rolling back up. "Well, I think we should get out of here right now." Claire said to everyone. Relieved, everyone agreed by nodding. Claire was the first to leave, everyone trailing out behind her and talking to each other.
"Intercept them!" PeeWee cried into the walkie-talkie, sitting back in his chair and watching the group on the monitor. "Send out the CLONES!" A tall man in a suit with sunglasses replied, "Yes sir!" before running off. "Soon it will all be over!!!!" Peewee cried. PeeWee stood up, throwing his arms to the side and maniacally laughing up at the sky. "HURHUR HURHUR HURHUR!"
As for our heroes, they were walking toward the entrance when suddenly a metal shutter fell in front of all of the doors, blocking all ways out. They all stopped and looked at eachother before hearing PeeWee's frightening laugh. It was coming out of loudspeakers around the room. "MUAHAHA! Now, it's time for you to. DIE!!!" The lights in the room went off, causing everyone to reflexively look up. Then, the lights went red. The floor a few yards away fell apart, before mechanical machinery was heard. Suddenly, the Teletubbies came out. Everyone gasped and jumped back, their hearts lurching in fear. "Only I know how to defeat them! Bahaha!" PeeWee chuckled. The Teletubbies were on the move! Everyone ran in a large crowd and screamed, tumbling over eachother. Leon jumped up and screamed in pain as Carlos stepped on his broken toe, when he jumped he saw Dipsy had fallen into a bit of something white, and began to spaz and scream as he burned; the skin that had touched the ground; it burned into his skin like acid. He recovered and continued the chase. Leon stared in disbelief before pulling a chunk of tofu from Tofu (o.O) out of his pocket. He looked at the large morsel. ".The tofu..." He whispered, before looking up.