Author's Note/Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother or any of the characters you recognize. I do own Alyssa, but that's it. I came up with this story because, in all honesty, I hated Robin and Barney together. I also hated Robin and Ted together… Really Robin kind of bothered me as the show went on, especially World Wide News Robin, but we're getting off topic. Basically everything Alyssa says about them is how I felt when they decided to get engaged and why I was not at all surprised when they got divorced. So I decided to do a little something about Barney and what he should have had. Please feel free to review or PM me, and check out some of my other stuff, now that I'm kind of in the writing zone I should be updating more! This story is a oneshot, as a side note. There are also a lot of font changes- bold and italic is Adult Ted, regular font current year, and just italics is a flashback. Hope that's not too confusing. Also, on the laser tag portion of the story, I based it off what we saw on the show- it always confused me because they made it seem like if you get shot once you're out, but every time I've ever played you just can't use your own gun for thirty seconds. Maybe it's played differently elsewhere.
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Kids, sometimes when you're friends with someone, you have to know when to step back and let them make a mistake, even if you know it'll hurt them. You do this because you love them, and you know that the mistake is one they just need to make.
This is the story of your Uncle Barney and the girl who loved him enough to let him make that mistake, even if it took her out of his life.
March 2013
Two Months Before the Wedding
Robin and Lily were seated around the coffee table in Marshall and Lily's apartment, pouring over wedding invitations and seating charts.
"Do you think we can put Barney's dad and his wife at the same table as his mom?" Lily asked, looking at their reply card curiously.
"I don't know, with how many crazy relatives we have coming, I don't want to risk more drama…" Robin said, taking the card from Lily and scrutinizing it herself.
Right on cue, Barney, Ted, and Marshall strolled through the door, all laughing at a joke Barney had just told.
"Hey Barney," Robin said, still looking at the seating chart critically. "Should I put your Mom and Dad and his wife at the same table, or do you think that'll be too awkward?"
Barney's face took on a faraway, vague stare, glancing up at an empty corner of the ceiling as if he was imaging something else. "No, it'll be okay." He said, though there was a slight crack on the 'ay'. "Yeah, it'll be great."
Robin stared at him for a second before looking back down at her cards. "Alrighty then…" She started flipping through the RSVPs. "Oh, before I forget, I still haven't gotten an RSVP from your friend Alyssa."
Barney frowned as he walked behind Robin to look at the cards over her shoulder. "Really? That's weird."
Yes kids, Barney had a female friend. Who he did not sleep with.
See, back in 2009, Barney got kicked out of his usual laser tag arena for being, well, a grown-up harassing a bunch of kids. So he was trying out a new arena and for some reason, a friend of Alyssa's was having a party there that night.
2009
Barney rounded the corner, laser gun aimed in front of him, observing the terrain. The zone was bigger than his old arena, he had to admit, and better equipped. Plus no one yelled at him for running.
He rounded another corner and saw a woman, probably about his age, crouched behind a fake wall. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was peering around the wall, looking for enemies.
Barney smirked. Her vest was blue. He was red. He could totally take her out and get points. But first…
He quietly sauntered up behind her, signature smirk in place, and lowered his gun slightly before leaning in close to her ear.
"You know, if you were a laser, you'd be set to stunning." 'Nailed it.' He snicker to himself.
The girl slowly turned, eyebrows raised, before smiling slightly. "Oh yeah?" She took a step closer, and Barney started thinking that maybe they could slip behind one of the three-corner walls and finish their 'weapons exchange' before the game was even over. She leaned up, her lips almost touching Barney's, and whispered, "Laser this."
And she shot him.
Barney blinked, staring down at his now-dark vest, before looking back at the girl, who was grinning.
"Nice try, buddy." She snarked before running back into the field. Barney just stood there, mouth agape, until the lights flickered back on and all the players started heading for the exits.
As Barney stripped off his vest, he noticed the girl walk in with a few friends, laughing as she took off her own vest and stored her gun. She noticed Barney staring at her and she smirked, waving off her friends before she walked over to him.
"Hey." She said, thumbs tucked into the pockets of her jeans. "Hope there's no hard feelings. But honestly, you kinda deserved to get shot for that line."
That snapped Barney out of it. "Um, that line was awesome. You're just lucky I used it, I totally had you. You left your back wide open."
The girl raised her eyebrows. "Well, then I guess you forgot the most important rule of laser combat."
"Which is what?" Barney challenged.
The woman stared at him with a straight face for a minute before sticking out her tongue. "Only ever hit on a corpse."
Both Barney and the girl burst out laughing immediately. "Oh God that sounded so bad." The girl said, hand over her mouth and slightly doubled over.
"It really did." Barney agreed, grinning at her. He jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the lobby and snack counter. "Wanna split a pretzel and find a decent way to rephrase that?" He paused. "I'm Barney, by the way. Barney Stinson."
The girl jokingly saluted. "I'm Alyssa Tucker. And I will take you up on that pretzel."
And just like that, Barney made a friend. A girl friend.
Alyssa was pretty cool kids- she was well-read, had a good sense of humor, and in an ironic twist, she worked on the advertising team for Robots vs. Wrestlers. Plus with her around, Barney didn't try to talk the rest of us into playing laser tag with him. She didn't hang out with our whole group all that much, so she and Barney were closer than the rest of us were to her, but it had never really been an issue. Your Aunt Robin didn't think she was any prettier than her, so she didn't care that Barney hung out with her one on one, and Barney for once never thought of a girl that way. She was just….Barney's friend, the one person who, to this day, I don't think he ever actually lied to.
2013
Barney shrugged. "You know, I'm hanging out with her later tonight, I'll ask her about it. I'm sure she just forgot to send the reply card back."
Robin nodded and turned back to the table with Lily. The boys grabbed themselves some beers and started chatting. No one gave it a second thought.
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Panting and grinning, Barney and Alyssa walked out of the laser tag arena and high-fived.
"Did you see the look on that kid's face when you tuck-and-roll shot him? Priceless!" Barney crowed.
Alyssa gave him a mock curtsey, also laughing. "No actually, I couldn't see his face because I was on the floor. But I did see your rafter sniping. Now that was masterful."
The two made their way to the snack counter, ordered their usual post-tag pizza, and plopped themselves down at a table in the window. They were munching on the cheese and pepperoni when Barney snapped his fingers.
"Oh yeah! Listen, before I forget, you're coming to the wedding right? Robin couldn't find your reply card when she was doing table placement and I don't want you to end up stuck at a table with my cousin Mitch. Or Aunt Helga. Plus the main dish is veal and I know you have that thing about eating baby animals…"
At the word 'wedding', Alyssa's smile faded. As Barney kept talking, she looked more and more downcast, gripping her water glass tightly.
"And you know, they may be Canadian, but Robin has a couple of good-looking cousins, I could always have her sit you with-"
"Barney." Alyssa said softly, breaking him from his excited rant. He looked at her expectantly, but all she was feeling was a pit in her stomach. Her next sentence would change everything.
"I'm not going to the wedding."
Barney let out a laugh, shaking his head, but Alyssa's face didn't change, and slowly the smile dropped off his own. "What?"
Alyssa's voice was smaller than Barney could ever remember hearing it. "I'm not going to-"
"No no, I got that." He said, putting a hand on the table and looking at her nonplussed. "But why?"
Alyssa stared down at her plate, unable to meet those blue eyes. "You don't want me there, trust me."
Barney raised his eyebrows and scoffed slightly. "Alyssa, you are one of my very best bros. You've been my bro for years, you saw me through ups and downs with my Dad, my break-ups with Nora and Quinn, all my back and forth, tug-of-war sessions with Robin…why wouldn't I want you there on the happiest day of my life?"
"Because I don't think you and Robin should get married."
The silence that followed Alyssa's outburst was deafening. The squeals from kids running round playing seemed to fade away, the popcorn machine went silent. In the back of his mind, Barney vaguely remembered the night he'd broken up with Nora and Robin hadn't broken up with Kevin- time seemed to have stopped now just like it did then.
"I'm sorry Barney." Alyssa said quietly. "But I've always been honest with you, and you with me. I won't stop now."
Barney stared into his water before looking back at his friend. "You don't think Robin and I should get married. Why?"
Alyssa looked at him sadly. "Barney, I love Robin, I do. But I was there when you two broke up the first time, when she chose Kevin over you, every single time she thought she wanted you again or you thought you wanted her again, and every single time, you guys eded up hurt and right back where you started. Remember what you and Robin said when you broke up last time, that you were just too similar and cancelled each other out? That hasn't changed. You both are so passionate and bro-ed out right now but at some point, whether it's in two months or two years, you'll burn out again."
Barney scoffed a little, leaning back in his chair. "But we keep coming back to each other! Robin and I are in love, and I'm doing something I never thought I'd do for her!"
"But the basic point is still there." Alyssa argued. "Not to mention you've changed for Robin, but what has she changed for you?"
She…!" Barney started, but stopped. "You know what? It doesn't matter. I love Robin and she loves me and we're getting married."
Alyssa let out a soft breath. "I know. And that's why I'm not going." She looked at Barney, eyes soft and sad. "You need people there who believe in what you're doing, not people who doubt you."
Barney nodded, lips pursed. "Yeah. It's probably best if you don't."
There was nothing else to say. Alyssa got up from the table, slinging her purse over her shoulder, before turning back to Barney. "I really do hope you and Robin will be happy." She said softly. "I want to be wrong."
"You are wrong." Barney said, fiddling with his tie before meeting her gaze. "Lyss, I love her. This is going to work."
Alyssa forced a smile and nodded. "Well, I'll see you around, Barney." She walked to the door, paused, and turned back to look at Barney one more time before walking out.
Kids, none of us saw her again for several years.
Barney stopped at McLaren's on the way home, drank a few glasses of Scotch, and tried to banish everything Alyssa had said from his mind.
The next day, Robin asked him how his night had been.
"It was fine." He said, shrugging, but he couldn't quite meet her eyes. "Alyssa can't make the wedding though. Work stuff."
You know, I don't think your Uncle Barney ever told Robin about what really happened that night. He didn't even tell me and Marshall until about two years later. He and Robin had a beautiful wedding, and for three years, they were happily married.
Then, as you now, they did get divorced.
Barney went a little crazy after that. For the next three years, he was back to his old playboy ways, hitting on every woman in McLaren's under the age of thirty. Then, when he was trying for a "Perfect Month", he got a girl pregnant- and that's how your cousin Ellie was born. About a year after that Barney ran into someone he hadn't talked to since 2013.
2020
"You ready for your first trip to the park, Ellie?" Barney cooed, bundling his little girl into her pink coat. Ellie waved her arms and giggled, a little spit bubble forming in the corner of the mouth. Barney smiled tenderly at her, wiping it away, before lifting her into his arms. "Yeah, you're excited, aren't you?"
It was a little chilly out, but Barney had been looking forward to this time Ellie all week. Sure, she kept him up all night when her mother dropped her off, but she was just so sweet and happy that he couldn't make himself care.
So he took his daughter to the park, and was pushing her on one of the baby swings when he heard a surprised voice call out, "Barney?"
At first Barney froze, assuming it was one of his conquests come back for revenge. He had Ellie's swing halted and his baby in his arms before he realized he knew that voice from somewhere else.
"Alyssa?"
It had been seven years, but the woman smiling at him was definitely the girl who'd shot him in the chest with a laser and laughed.
"Oh my God, it's so great to see you!" He said, relaxing into a smile. "It's been what, seven years?"
"Yeah, it has." Alyssa said, hoisting her purse a little higher on her shoulder before tilting her head. "And who's this pretty girl?"
Barney puffed up, full of pride. "This is Ellie. It's her first time to the park."
"Oh, a big day!" Ellie cooed, offering a finger for Ellie to grab. She smiled up at Barney. "She's beautiful. You and Robin must be so proud."
Barney chuckled a little. "Oh, no, Robin's not…I mean, we got divorced. About four years ago."
Alyssa stilled. "Oh God, Barney, I am so sorry, I didn't-"
"No, it's okay." Barney said, staring down at Ellie's bright, gummy smile. "Sure, I did a lot of stupid things after that, but I got Ellie, and even though I never thought I'd say this, being a dad has honestly been the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Alyssa was staring at him, a smile breaking over her face. Barney turned a little, apprehensive. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Nothing!" Alyssa laughed. "It's just…you're a dad. You look so happy. I'm happy for you."
Barney grinned. "I know. That guy with the laser tag pick-up line did alright after all." He held Ellie out to Alyssa, remembering when she'd talked about wanting kids all those years ago. "You wanna hold her?"
Alyssa took Ellie eagerly, bouncing her slightly while Barney put his hands in his pockets. "What about you?" He asked curiously. "Boyfriend, husband, kids?"
Alyssa's smile was a little sadder at that. "No, not yet." She glanced up at Barney, biting her lip in the way he remembered she used to do when she was trying to decide whether or not to comment on something. "I've only ever met the one guy I would've considered marrying."
There was a pause. Barney opened his mouth, closed it again, really looked at Alyssa, who was back to playing with the baby. He remembered the laughs, the glances he'd always overlooked, how she'd always tried to help him stay with a girl but never asked him about any of them if she didn't have to, never helped him with random hook-ups.
"You wanna go get a cup of coffee?"
Kids, maybe Barney would call his marriage to Robin a mistake, and maybe he wouldn't. But if Alyssa had told Barney she loved him the moment she knew it (FYI, she'll deny it if you ask her, but it was the moment he used that dumb pick-up line), your cousin Ellie might never have been born.
Barney needed to marry Robin to learn what he really wanted in life. And whether or not you'd call that a mistake, today he and your Aunt Alyssa are very happy. Your cousins Ellie and Owen are happy too.
Sometimes, you just have to take that step back and let fate do its thing.