Benton Fraser stared at the object on his desk. He had been digging in his foot locker looking for one of his father's journals and found it. In fact Ben had forgotten he even had it. He had not needed it for years now, but now tonight it sat out on his desk calling to him.
So far he had been able to resist it, but now all hope was gone. A voice in his head said he could pick it up and make all the pain go away. The loss of his mother and father, the temporary loss of Ray Vecchio and even Victoria all weighed heavy on him.
The heaviest wight was Meg, the hurt from her rejection was fresh and sharp. Ben had been wrong and he was still alone. All he had to do was pick up that object and those memories would be gone.
Turning the thing, Ben wondered why his life was filled with tragedy. The first women he loved Ben had put her in prison and she had come back ten years later and tried to destroy him. Then slowly over time he had fallen in love again only to be told he was not allowed to feel that way, regulations and rank prohibited it.
His life was lonely and Ben was tired of being a superman. The Inspector had told him she was not made of stone but he was not made of steel. His stetson didn't make him bullet proof. Benton Fraser was a man of flesh and blood.
Most of all he had a heart and tonight it hurt. Today was one of those anniversary; the ones born of pain.
Reaching out, he turned on his desk lamp and it shone off of the object creating patterns on the blotter. He picked it up and quickly put it down again ashamed at his weakness.
Benton was cold so cold and it offered warmth. He knew it wouldn't last but he it would dull the pain for the rest of the night. His thoughts turned to the night when he thought all of this loneliness seemed to be at an end.
Meg, the Inspector had told him she wanted his help in the process to have a child. He assumed and his father had helped, she meant in the conventional way.
That night his future had seemed so bright and full of promise, but in seconds it had crumbled. Leaving him to pick up the pieces and leaving him still isolated from the world. He was trapped with no way to escape.
Benton Fraser had grown up and lived his life alone and now it seemed he would die alone, like his father. He had fought this for so long, but tonight he just didn't have the strength to fight the objects siren call anymore.
Ben lifted it again to test its weight. Then from somewhere Ben drew the strength to throw the object across the room.
The bottle shattered against the wall and the alcohol ran down to pool on the floor. Ben watched it with fascination. He was an alcoholic recovering one. He hadn't taken a drink in ten years.
He'd fallen into that pit just after his first run in with Victoria. Benton wasn't able help her and Victoria had received a ten year sentence.
Each week the letters he had sent her, were returned, the last one unopened with the words, 'Fraser, you are dead to me. Don't contact me again.'
It had been the straw that broke the camel's back and he'd lost himself in drink. In the far north there was little else to do.
He started with one drink a day until over time it had become one or two bottles per day just to get out of bed. This had gone of for months until the day his father found Ben at the cabin with no memory of how he had got there and too many empty whiskey bottles to tell the tale.
Bob Fraser had sent his son on a two month Alaskan vacation to rehab and Ben hadn't taken a drink since.
To Ben it seemed funny, in Canada people always asked Ben why he didn't drink, but here down south they took it as another strange thing the Mountie did, without question.
When he had been in the hospital after the second incident with Victoria and Ray shooting him, Ben refused the pain killers. He feared becoming addicted to them as well. The feeling was too much the same oblivion that he felt when he was drunk. That thought scared him enough to endure the pain.
Ben stumbled over to his cot as he was drunk, the fight with the bottle and the memories he dwelt on today had drained him.
He was tired so tired of being strong and in control. Everyone who looked at him only saw the red suit and missed the chaos underneath.
Ben curled up into a ball and cried silently. He cried for all he had lost and what he might never have.
0o0o0
On the other side of his door Meg shed tears of her own. Reaching out she lay her hand on the door, wishing she could touch the man inside. Her only chance for happiness was in that room and she was too afraid to just open the door and talk to him.
She didn't know how long she had been outside pacing. Something hadn't been right with Fraser since he had come into her office a few weeks ago. It was the day Ben had told her he was willing to father a child for her and given her flowers.
Meg had been so surprised by the offer that she hadn't responded how she wanted to. By the time Meg gathered her thoughts enough to see what she truly wanted he was gone and she realized she might have missed her only chance for happiness. Fraser would never make move again Meg had told him no enough times and this time Meg feared she had broke him. If she wanted anything to change she would have to make the move.
She had let three weeks pass without talking to him and Fraser's behavior became more and more erratic. Finally Meg had gone to his file to see if there was anything answers inside. She'd stayed later to read the whole file hoping to find a reason and Meg had. Today was the anniversary of his father's death.
Meg knew he might not want her sympathy but she planned to offer it anyway. Now all she had to do was find the courage to open the door. Meg heard something hit the wall and shatter. Worried she threw open the door and was surprised to find a bottle of alcohol shattered against the other door and Fraser curled up on his bed crying.
Stepping over the puddle, Meg hesitated would Fraser want her to see him this way? Well if they were going to build something she would see him at his worst and he would see her there too. Meg crossed the floor and stood beside the bed. The man lying there didn't move or acknowledge her presence.
She put her hand on his back as she sat down next to him on the cot. "Fra- Ben are you all right?"
As soon as she said it mentally smacked herself. Did he look it? Drawing a breath she steeled herself to help Ben weather this storm not matter what he said.
She felt Ben flinch at her touch. His voice shook as he spoke, but he didn't look at her.
"Inspector, please leave me alone. I will be all right. I just need some time alone."
Meg looked at the man under her hand; tears coursed down his cheeks. His whole body shook with emotion. "No Ben, I'm going to stay. You don't have to talk, just listen to my voice. If gives out I will just sit here so you aren't alone. No one should be alone at times like these, Ben."
She shifted her weight and began rubbing small circles on his back.
"Did I ever tell you that I knew your father at one of those horrible conferences they make us go to every once and a while. He was a speaker there. Your father spoke about the North and how they needed stable and dependable members who were willing to stay up there for their careers not just quick stay and then back to the south.
"He told us what kind of people they needed up there. When Robert was done he made me want to be a better officer and a better person. In those few minutes he told me I had to care about the people I served, because they needed me to care." She stopped and stared off into the distance. "I forgot that somewhere until I met you, Ben. You reminded me of what I wasn't doing and I punished you for it. Anyway when he was finished I went up to talk with him and we ate dinner together that night. All he talked about you, Benton Fraser his son. He was so proud of you, but most of all he loved you."
Ben's sobs increased and his head pushed its way on to her lap. She ran her hand through the hair on the nape of his neck and kept talking about everything and nothing. Eventually his crying stopped and he fell asleep.
Meg leaned her head against the wall. This was a Benton Fraser she had never seen before. He was always so controlled, but what did that control cost him? The man who slept was human not some superman. He needed love and compassion as she strong enough to be there for him?
Meg sat there for a along time thinking before she fell asleep too.
0o0o0
Ben froze when Meg walked in the door and called his name, his first name. Looking at her through his tears, Ben wondered if he was dreaming. After all she wasn't dressed as Inspector Thatcher, but in jeans and a RCMP sweatshirt with runners on her feet.
Without hesitation she had come to his side and touched him. How long had it been since someone had touched him in that way? Even through his tears he relished the touch of another person. Her hand was warm and he was so cold. Who was she, Meg or the Inspector?
Ben knew he couldn't handle the Inspector right now so he tried to be strong keeping a little bit of his dignity and send her away.
When she spoke again there was still a gentleness in her voice. Meg ignored what he said, and began to speak. He was not sure why she was here but her voice was comforting. Ben could feel her sitting close, her smell surrounding him.
Ben did nothing to stop his tears after all Meg didn't seem to care if he cried. She was seeing him at his weakest moment and she just kept rubbing his back and comforting him. Suddenly Ben wanted to be closer, he needed to be closer he laid his head in her lap.
Meg began to run her fingers though his hair. He was comforted by the soft touch of her fingers and the gentle cadence of her voice. She kept talking about how she met his father, then nothing and everything.
Ben could feel himself growing calm and his tears stopped. He wasn't alone anymore; Meg was here and she wasn't going to leave him. Maybe she would stay forever and with that thought he drifted off to sleep.
Hours later, Ben woke up with his head still in Meg's lap. Her hands were still and her breathing was even, she was asleep.
Ben sat up is eyes felt gritty from all the tears rubbed them and looked at Meg. She was resting against the wall sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Ben stood and laid her down on his cot, remove her shoes and cover her with his blankets. Then he sat down with his back to the cot and began to think about what this might mean.
A ray of hope blossomed in his chest, but Ben tried to stamp it down. He didn't want to be crushed again. Last night Meg hadn't spoken about their future or how she felt about him. Morning would tell him more.
Yawning Ben got up and went to his closet reached for his long johns, but stopped and instead chose a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. Once he had changed Ben grabbed his bedroll and laid it out on the floor beside the cot. Tomorrow was Saturday, no one else should be there at the consulate, he just have to wait and see what happened.