Prologue – Impossible Beginnings

Freya watched Merlin from beneath the waters of Avalon Lake. He had just thrown Excalibur into the water and now he was sending the late King Arthur adrift in a boat. When she had caught the sword it seemed to offer him some small comfort. She wished that she could provide more, but her arm was all that was allowed to leave the water. It was a deal she had struck with the Sidhe when she had first died several years ago. They had allowed her spirit to remain in the lake for all eternity in corporeal form, but no more than her arm was allowed to rise from the water. If more than that were to leave the water, as a safeguard, she would die very shortly after only to be reborn again having no memory of her previous life. That was what had kept her in the water for all these years. She never wanted to forget Merlin.

Merlin stood looking out across the lake as Arthur's boat drifted away. He tried to focus on something else. He allowed the image of Freya's hand to come into his mind, when it had rose from the water to catch Arthur's sword. It had been amazing just to know she was there. "Freya," he called out. Of course he knew she couldn't come or answer him. If she had been able to he knew she would have without him having to call out. "I miss you," he said. "I wish you were here. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Arthur wasn't just my destiny, he was my friend. Now it feels like it was all for nothing. Kilgharrah tried to comfort me when he said that one day Arthur will rise again. But I don't know how much of his words I can believe any more. He was the one who whispered in my ear for all those years to protect Arthur. Yet today he told me that Arthur's death was foretold and not even I could have prevented it! I fear he misled me for his own ends. I get it! He wanted magic to flourish once again, though I'm not sure how Arthur was needed for that considering he died before it could happen! If he had lived he might have allowed magic to return to the land. He accepted me for who I was in the end. But now he's dead! How can I bring about Albion on my own? I don't know what to do. I feel so lost... so alone."

Freya's heart was breaking. "Please let me go to him," she begged the Sidhe.

"You know the price you shall pay."

Freya was torn. How could she go to him if it meant forgetting him forever? She glanced up and watched as a tear fell from his eye. She felt the ripple as it hit the water around his feet. Her resolve to help him hardened, no matter what the cost would be for her.

"How much time will I have," she asked the Sidhe.

Merlin had started to walk away into the forest. The last words she heard him say were, "Goodbye Freya." She shivered when she heard him speak her name.

"How much time," she demanded.

The Sidhe did not respond.

She shook her head in frustration. She started towards the surface and prayed she wouldn't die on contact. Her head surfaced and she gasped a mouthful of fresh air. She hadn't felt what it was to breathe in so very long. She swam to the shore. As soon as her legs were on solid ground she started to run in the direction Merlin had gone.

She was out of breath when she caught up to him. As soon as he turned to face her, she knew her appearance must have already altered.

"Who are you," he asked.

"It's me," she breathed out. "It's Freya."

Merlin seemed unconvinced. He took into account her wet appearance. Her expression. Perhaps it was Freya? "Why do you look so different?"

"It is a long story! I don't know how much time I have. I just wanted to hold you one last time." She rushed into his arms and clung to him.

"Is it really you," Merlin asked, although he had already returned her embrace tightly.

Freya pulled slightly away, enough to look into his eyes, and smiled at him.

Merlin recognized that smile even despite the features being different. He smiled back. "Freya."

"That's what I like to see," she said. "Promise me you'll keep smiling!"

Merlin recalled her earlier words. "What did you mean 'you don't know how much time you'll have'?"

"I can't stay long. It's all part of the deal I made with the Sidhe years ago. I am eternal now, just like you. But in order to balance all that power in a mere human there had to be a catch. I am able to die. In fact, I will die very soon for leaving the water. But I will be reborn sometime in the future as a different person. I will live out a human life and die again one day only to be reborn yet again as someone new. Each time I will have no memory of any of my past lives."

Merlin clung to her a little tighter. "No."

"It was the only way."

Merlin's mind raced with possible alternatives until at last he found a solution that might work. "I will cast a spell on you. You will keep this form each time from now on. Then I will always be able to find you!"

"But I won't remember you," Freya replied sadly.

"It won't matter. When I find you I will remind you each and every time how much we love each other."

Freya beamed. "You said you lo…?" She began to cough. She could feel her life slipping from her. She gathered her strength to speak. "Hurry then!"

Merlin helped her to lay down. He searched within himself for the spell he needed. He could feel when it was within his reach. He spoke the ancient words and felt the warmth radiate throughout his body. He knew the spell had worked. He looked down at Freya and could see that she was fading fast. He bent beside her and cradled her head just the same as the first time she had died in his arms.

"Merlin, my name isn't really Freya," she said.

He gave her a puzzled look. "Shhh save your strength."

Freya shook her head at the notion. "I changed my name after I was cursed. I felt I didn't deserve a true name anymore, so I chose Freya because it simply means 'lady.' I think I also chose it to remind myself that I was still a lady, despite my horrid bestial curse. But I never took much of a liking to the name until I heard it from your lips." She smiled at the memory. "I liked it very much after that..." Freya started to close her eyes.

"I like your name too," Merlin hurried to say. He gave her a little shake.

She opened her eyes and smiled bigger up at him. "I had changed my name, but I had never actually told it to anyone, aside from you. Hearing you say it felt like it belonged to me and that I belonged only to you."

"I love your name!" Merlin wasn't sure what else he could say. Freya seemed really fixated on this. He wanted to comfort her but he feared she had little time left and he wished they could stop focusing on something so meaningless.

"My true name… it might be important… in finding me later."

Merlin felt ashamed over the thoughts he had just had. He marveled at how wise she was. "Tell me," he coaxed.

"It's Clara. But promise me that I will always be your Freya."

Merlin leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Forever," he whispered. When he pulled back to look at her he knew she was already gone. Tears filled his eyes. His gut wrenched. First Arthur and now Freya. He wasn't sure how much more heartache he could take. At least with Freya he now had hope to see her again. What had she said? That she would come back to life? Would she be born as a baby? He wondered how long it would take. Panic rose in him as he realized that it was going to be terribly hard to find her! He would never stop looking though! And when he did find her he would make sure she remembered.