I'm sitting here on this bed which holds no warmth, in a room which feels so empty, within an apartment which I have no connection to and all I can think is that this shouldn't be so hard.

5 years ago you ask me to drop everything and leave, become someone else and I could do it without a second thought. But now after all of the relationships I've formed all I can think about is my team and how much I just want to be Emily Prentiss.

I think of my first case, for the first time being happy that I travelled so much as a child, showing off my Arabic skills.

I think of my first ever team night out, seeing everyone connect outside of work and how relaxed they all were.

I think of the endless chess games with Spence, feeling so protective of him but now I'm just another person who left him.

I think of the girls' nights with JJ and PG in particular a guy who we schooled after he tried to pick me up saying he was in the FBI.

I think of Rossi, who I told one of my biggest secrets to, who has become very much a father figure to me.

I think of Hotch who puts on his stoic face but who has shown time and time again he would give anything for anyone he considers family.

And last I think of Derek…

I could argue and say the choice wasn't mine to make. But I would only be lying to myself. I left them all behind when I walked out those bureau doors, choosing to go after Doyle on my own. The funny thing is, at the time I thought I was walking towards my death, but the reality is so much worse.

I remember lying on the cold cemented floor, thinking that was the end when the sound of Derek's voice filled the air. All I could think was 'he's going to be so mad'. But when I felt the tight grip of his hand and the milliseconds of eye contact he just made me feel so loved. And in that moment I started to fight.

For a couple of seconds when I woke in the hospital I was filled with happiness. I had done it. I had held on for them. For him. But that happiness soon passed when I realised I had awoken to an empty room. It didn't take long for my mind to figure out that Doyle must have escaped and I had been placed in some protection. Knowing Doyle he wasn't going to be found anytime soon, so it was time to become someone else.

I had really liked being me these past few years…