A/N: Written in response to a prompt on sb (Team Yamato tells ghost stories around the campfire while out on a mission). also, thinly veiled excuse for me to pick on filler episodes. Yaaay!
Once upon a time...
"That's not how you start a ghost story," Sai interrupted.
"He's right," Sakura said. "It should be like, 'On a dark and stormy night,' or 'Legend has it that long ago, on a cold, autumn evening..." She trailed off.
"Fine, fine!"
It was a dark and stormy night…
Naruto paused. The night sky was clear, and the four present members of Team Kakashi were huddled around the campfire. The rest of his team leaned in as he spoke, waiting expectantly for Naruto to continue.
"Um," Naruto said. He idly scratched his chin. Telling ghost stories was hard. He had no idea where to start. Dammit, why had he volunteered for this, again?
"You don't have a story, do you?" Sakura sighed.
"I told you this wouldn't work. Naruto is too stupid to come up with a ghost story on the spot," Sai said, with the smug self-assurance of someone who knew that his teammates were both too terrified of their new captain to give into the urge to throttle him.
Sakura settled for aggressively poking the fire with her roasting stick, noting that Sai still hadn't removed the blackened remnants of the marshmallow he had accidentally set on fire nearly an hour ago.
Naruto gritted his teeth. Oh, yeah—now he remembered why he'd volunteered.
It was a dark and stormy night, and Naruto and his team were lost in a forest...
"..the protagonist is named Naruto? Really?"
...It was a dark and stormy night, and Boruto and his team were lost in a forest not unlike this one. The rain was pouring, and they had been looking for a place to take shelter for the night. Finally, after hours of desperately searching for a warm place to sleep, the team stumbled upon a… umm...
Naruto looked back at his teammates. Sakura and Yamato seemed genuinely interested, and Sai, well... Sai wasn't smiling for once. That was a good sign, right?
"Well? What are you waiting for, Naruto?"
Oh, no... He was losing them!
"Uhhhh..."
"Naruto," Yamato leaned towards him as he whispered, "You know, the scariest stories are ones that are based in truth. Just a thought."
A true story? Naruto frowned. He didn't know any real ghost stories. He'd never admit it, but scary stories still creeped him out. It's not like had a whole lot of personal experience in that area, either. Well, there was that one time when Orochimaru peeled his face off in front of them, but Sakura had been there too, so he couldn't use that. But maybe…
"I got it! Thanks, Yamato-taichou!"
Finally, after hours of desperately searching for a warm place to sleep, the team stumbled upon a castle. His teammates, Sakuya and Sei, were relieved to finally be out of the rain, but Boruto knew better. They had been searching for a princess who had gone missing, and this castle's mysterious appearance was more than a little coincidental.
He tried to warn his teammates, but they totally brushed him off and entered the castle anyway. Hiding his worry for their sake, Boruto bravely entered the castle, determined to keep his teammates from harm and rescue the missing princess.
You see, the castle had been abandoned over fifty years ago. Once upon a time, it had been the main base of some old country, but after losing a war or something, everyone somehow got trapped in the castle's basement and died. Ever since, the angry ghosts of the castle have haunted the grounds and terrorize anyone who enters! And also the castle can turn into a giant chameleon summon that eats people!
"..what?"
Boruto only just remembered all of this right when the castle doors slammed shut behind them, trapping his team inside the castle. Sakuya tried in vain to pry open the doors, but they wouldn't budge.
"It's no good, we're trapped," Boruto said. "We've got to rescue the princess and get out of here as soon as we can!"
"Do you smell that?" Sei, Boruto's idiotic new team member, said. "I think we should head to the dining room and figure out where that delicious smell is coming from."
"Didn't you hear me? This place has been abandoned for over five hundred years! It's a trap!"
"But I'm hungry. I don't care what you say. Stop telling me what to do!" Sei ran into the dining room.
"We should go with Sei," Sakuya said. "I know he's really dumb and has no idea what he's talking about, but we can't just abandon our teammate like that. Even if he is just a shitty replacement for our long-lost and way cooler friend, Sosuke."
"You're right, Sakuya," Boruto said.
"Are ghost stories normally this long-winded?" Sai said, smiling at no one in particular. "I thought they were meant to be relatively short, well-paced and end abruptly to maximize potential shock value."
"Don't tell me how to tell my story! You don't know the first thing about camping or ghost stories. You don't know anything about anything!"
"Actually, I just finished reading a book about common social activities, which had an entire section on camping, so that's factually incorrect. You on the other hand don't even know how to properly format a ghost story. Someone as stupid as you has no frame of reference for judging how accurate my advice is."
"Um, maybe we should just get on with the story," Sakura cleared her throat. Next to her, Yamato was staring morosely into the campfire. This was a terrible, terrible idea. Maybe it wasn't too late to whip up a log cabin for the night...
"You want me to shorten it, Sai? Fine! Here you go!"
After Sei insisted that everyone go into the dining room to investigate the OBVIOUS TRAP, the whole dining room transformed into the chameleon summon's stomach. Sakuya and Boruto watched in horror as Sei was brutally dissolved by the stomach acid. As he screamed in agony as his skin and clothing melted away, he used his last words to beg Boruto for forgiveness for being such an unlikable prick. "Get out while you still can!" Sei screamed.
More stomach acid spewed out through the walls, heading straight for Sakuya. She was paralyzed with fear, but fortunately Boruto was there. He managed to grab her and pull her to safety just in the nick of time. Then they fell through the floors into the basement and found the missing princess. After making sure everyone was okay, Boruto used Rasengan to burst through the walls of the castle, saving everyone from the jaws of death and destroying the summoning contract in one awesome blow.
The end.
"That," Sai said, "Was the worst ghost story I've ever heard."
"That was the only ghost story you've ever heard."
"That's irrelevant. It was still objectively bad."
"Oh yeah?" Naruto said. "Well, joke's on you, because that was a TRUE story! Believe it!"
"If that's supposed to be a true story, your memory must be far worse than I realized."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"You've clearly misremembered, exaggerated or outright lied about most of what happened. Is this something you regularly do? Ah," Sai's fake smile widened, "I think I'm starting to understand why you're so obsessed with chasing after your traitorous teammate. You must have forgotten about the part where he-"
"Okay, that's enough out of you-" Sakura interrupted. If he kept bringing up Sasuke like that, not even Yamato would be able to calm everyone down.
"Shut up about Sasuke, you bastard! And what exactly was so unbelievable? There WAS a chameleon, and a princess, and even a castle, and it was totally haunted, too! Just ask Hinata—she'll tell you!"
"Sei, Sakuya and Boruto are obviously uncreative pseudonyms for the three of us. Since we've only recently met, it's highly unlikely that I would have been assigned to search for a missing princess in an abandoned castle with you two in the past and then forgotten about it. I happen to have an excellent memory."
Sakura buried her head in her hands and groaned.
This is my life now, Yamato thought.
"Of course THAT part was made up! I changed the names, that's all—I was trying to be creative! Jeez!"
"Why was there a castle hidden in the middle of a forest of all places? Castles aren't exactly small."
"Well, okay, I wasn't—I mean, that part…"—Naruto sputtered, his face beginning to turn a rather alarming shade of red— "..Just shut up!"
"Ah, so you WERE lying."
"I WASN'T LYING! I was telling a ghost story! Get with the program already!"
"You don't need to get emotional about it," Sai said reasonably, as if he could not possibly fathom what was so upsetting about the conversation. "It's not my fault your story wasn't scary. Were the ghosts meant to be the real threat, or was it the animal summon? How are those two things even related? Where did that food you kept rambling on about come from? Was it supposed to be ghostly food, or did your stupid chameleon have the ability to summon that, too?"
"But that's really what happened!"
"On top of that, even if your story was fictitious, it wasn't believable. Sei was based off of me, but he did things I wouldn't do and acted completely out of character." When Naruto only rolled his eyes, Sai continued, "For example, upon approaching the castle, I would have quickly deduced that it was not in fact abandoned, and I would have suggested that we refrain from entering."
"But that was the princess's last known location. Why wouldn't we enter?"
"Because," Sai explained calmly, "You have no idea who is actually inside. If the princess was well enough to loiter around the castle, she would have been well enough to make her way back home. Instead, she was reported missing. It's far more likely that a group of bandits or missing-nin were taking shelter in the castle than the princess's entourage."
"Whatever."
"A more logical plan would have been to survey from the outside and enter as stealthily as possible, instead of loudly breaking in and giving the advantage to the enemy."
"But this is a ghost story. How is that supposed to be scary? Besides, that's not how it happened anyway. We didenter the castle, and it was haunted, and then we got trapped inside. So what, your super logical plan was to let the princess die in the castle? What's wrong with you?!"
"Are you even listening? That's not what I said."
"Really? 'Cause that's what it sounded like to me!" Naruto complained. "Fine, you know what? If you're so much smarter than me, why don't you tell the story?"
Sai was quiet for a moment. "Alright."
One evening, while engaged in a routine missing persons investigation, Sei and his teammates encountered a castle in the middle of a forest. Finding this scenario highly suspicious, his team discussed their options and decided to survey the area instead of thoughtlessly barging in and getting themselves killed.
"No, they definitely went into the castle first."
After surveying the castle, Sei's party quickly realized that the castle was currently inhabited—
"THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED. We went into the castle, damn it!"
"Guys," Sakura said, "This isn't what I meant when I said we should tell ghost stories around the campfire."
…Although Sei pleaded with his team to refrain from entering the castle, he was ultimately ignored by his new teammate Boruto, who was adamant that they enter the unknown territory without adequate preparation. Being the outstanding shinobi that he was, Sei followed orders without question. He suggested that they limit their incursion to the entryway, in order to allow for an easy escape should anything go wrong. He then pulled out his scrolls and ink and prepared to use Ninja Art: Super Beast Scroll—
"Sei can't use super beast scrolls."
Sai frowned. "But I-"
"It's my story and I'm telling you, Sei doesn't know any jutsu."
"He's also really fat and doesn't know how to mold chakra."
..Unfortunately, Sei was unable to use his signature technique. Noting his newfound physical limitations, Sei scanned the room. He informed his teammates that they should stay on the ground floor, avoiding the obvious lure of food, and explore whatever options presented themselves, moving counterclockwise around the castle.
"I have no idea what's happening anymore," Sakura said. Naruto and Sai were now engaged in what could only be described as a heated round of collaborative storytelling. "Do you think they're bonding?"
"We can only hope," Yamato said with a heavy sigh.
[hours-ish later]
"No, no," Sai was gesturing as he spoke, uncharacteristically animated for someone who claimed to have no emotions, "It's too coincidental for the princess to be both alive and well and in the castle they just happened to wander into."
"Okay, but I don't understand why the princess has to be evil. Or a ghost."
"It's simple. There has to be an external force trapping them inside the castle—"
"—the giant chameleon, you mean—"
"No, that's stupid. Forget the chameleon," Sai said. "If the conflict can be solved by simply leaving the castle, there's no real tension. It'd make more sense if the rumor of the missing princess was a ploy to lure unsuspecting shinobi to their deaths. Something like..."
Long ago, in this very castle, the princess of these lands was brutally murdered at the altar on the day of her wedding, having been betrayed by her fiancé. It's said that princess's grief was so strong that it cast a curse on the land, and that to this day, her ghost still wanders the grounds, forever waiting for her prince to return and marry her. It's rumored that she lures unsuspecting passerbies into the castle, hoping to find someone to take the prince's place as her groom.
"I see, I see," Naruto nodded, "If the ghost princess possesses one of their teammates, they won't be able to leave until they break the curse."
"Right. It goes without saying that the ghost would possess Sakuya, since it's natural that the princess would have an affinity for her."
"Ugh," Sakura groaned. "Why I do I have to be the damsel in distress? It's because I'm the only girl, isn't?"
"No. It's because you're the only one who's naive enough to stay devoted to and in love with a traitorous bastard who abandoned his home and obviously doesn't care about you at all."
"Excuse me?!"
"And also because you're a girl," Sai added.
"Okay, that's it," Yamato cut in. He was officially too tired to deal with this. The sun was going to rise soon and none of them had gotten any sleep (except for Sakura, who had drifted off for a few seconds somewhere in the middle the story). "We're done. Everyone go to bed."
"Taichou, we haven't gotten to the jump scare yet—" Sai said.
"And I never got my turn!" Sakura chimed in.
"I said," Yamato said, his voice quiet as he stared down his insubordinate teammates with wide, unblinking eyes, "We're done."
"R-right!" Naruto gulped. "Wait, lemme just finish the story real quick!"
Yamato's face darkened.
"...Please? I'm gonna have nightmares if I don't!"
Sakura rolled her eyes.
"...Hurry up, then."
Ummm…. after they sent the chameleon thing back home, it turned out the ghosts were all really friendly and that it was all just a huge misunderstanding. Boruto broke the curse and freed their souls, and the ghosts were all so grateful that they gave him their castle and all their old lands. When his team got back home, everyone was so happy with the success of the mission that they made Boruto Hokage of the village, and then afterwards everyone threw a party.
And everyone lived happily ever after. Especially Boruto.
The end.
Sai was silent. After a few moments of contemplation, he shrugged. "Okay."
"Wha—really?"
"It's not the direction I would have taken it and there's no jump scare, but it works," Sai said. "You becoming the next Hokage is a truly terrifying thought."