I don't know how old I was when we first met—I didn't seem to care much about the days or months that went by. Until I met you. You asked me when my birthday was, but I couldn't say—I didn't have anyone who cared enough to remember. You smiled at me like you always have but I felt that that day was the first time I saw your real smile.

"From today, the day we met will be your birthday."

And then I started counting.

How long has it been? 39850 days exactly. And I stand here watching you as if you're my enemy.

Just like when we were little, I can never tell what's on your mind. I see a smile, I always see a smile, but you could be lonely and sad inside. I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could feel the way you feel right now and the way you've felt all of these days that have gone by. You told me that you wanted to become a shinigami to change things so that I wouldn't have to cry anymore. If only you knew that your absence made me cry a lot more. I don't know what your plans are, Gin, but when you're finished please come back and let us count the days together.

Right now I'm fighting. I'm not absolutely sure if I'm fighting against you and whether you'll hate me for taking this side instead of taking yours. I just can't understand you. You always hid things from me. That's the part I hate about you. We were together for so long and somehow it seems like you don't trust me.

Why did you go?

Why did you follow Aizen?

I feel betrayed.

I thought you didn't want to see me cry?

It's hard to see you this way.

You were kind, you saved me that day.

I thought we were friends...

The more I fight, the more I can't take you off my mind. The thought of you is making my knees shake; please come and tell me you will change things so they could end without me having to cry.

I can't stand anymore, I can't fight back anymore. It's too much. I'm too weak to endure this, Gin. I can't take what you've done. Because of you, I cry and fall weak on my knees.

I can no longer hold my Zanpakuto properly to defend myself.

I'm being defeated by everything you're a part of.

Did you once think of me before you left?

Every time I close my eyes I see you.

Sometimes I dream of the past, in Rukongai, when we were both living together and always shared the persimmons we gathered. I know how you always preferred them dried. I eat persimmons alone now. Maybe when you return, we can enjoy them together, just like we used to. We can sit under the trees and silently enjoy each other's company. Do you think we could sit down peacefully and enjoy the silence we both knew?

There are days that I dream of you holding my hand as we walk down that same path that lead us back home. You used to do it all the time when we were little and I never thought, at the time, how nostalgic these memories could be one day. You would softly say something as you looked ahead. Sometimes you'd say you wanted it to rain, other times you'd comment on how sweaty my hand would get during the summer. The last time we walked together, you whispered something that I thought wasn't meant for me. But each time I dream of it, what you say reminds me how dear you are to me.

"Holding your hand, makes me happy. But I'm only holding because I want to protect you."

I like dreaming of you.

You always feel so close to me when I dream. I can touch you, you can touch me. Sometimes my dreams bring you closer to me, so close that we're connected and share more than companionship, more than pleasure—and our feelings are the same.

Since we both joined the Gotei 13 I rarely heard from you. Out of the 35100 days spent as part of the imperial guard, only one did we both spend together, briefly, over a bottle of sake as we looked at the night sky. The stillness that night was one of the most peaceful I've ever spent. We both didn't say much that day even though you told me you had a lot on your mind. I ended up falling asleep before hearing what you had to say, but I can faintly remember the way your eyes looked as you brushed a strand of my hair away from my face. I almost felt like blushing, but I was too drunk to stay awake.

I dream a lot about that night. I wish I could remember more. Most of the time, the dream stops at me looking into your eyes. Other times I add more:

You'll be carrying me back to my room and I feel really sleepy but I keep trying to say something to you. It starts getting hard to stay awake so I wrap my arms around your neck and whisper something in your ear. In response, you open your eyes briefly and smile. You set me on my couch and ask me if it's okay that your here. I nod.

The silence of the room then intensifies and our eyes meet. Suddenly, I feel the heat from your skin and the soothing warmth of your hands. And our bodies are linked and I feel you like I've never felt you before. Then the love I've held all this time begins to unfold.

My dreams ends with you walking out and I'm left hanging with three simple words curled between my lips.

"If you were to turn into a snake tomorrow and begin devouring Humans, and from the same mouth you devoured Humans, you cried out to me 'I love you', would I still be able to say 'I love you' the same way I do today?"

I run to you now, eager to see your face, and impatiently I approach you to tell you everything you deserve to hear. My chest hurts and I'm out of breath already. I start to feel your presence so I run faster to reach you in time.

There are a million things I want to say. But will I be able to convince you?

It's hard to predict how you'll react even though I've known you all these years. I'm a little scared, but I feel like I'm the only one who can save you.

I hope you answer all my questions and leave me of my doubts because I know you. I've known you through all these years. Please let your answers justify.

Finally I see you from a far and I'm relieved.

"I made it in time." I inhale and exhale slowly trying to catch my breath. "Aizen...Gin..."

"Captain Aizen," You tilt your head with a smile and it makes me wonder how you feel seeing me here. "I apologize for my old friend here. I'll just take her over there."

"I don't mind, we have time. So talk to her for as long as you need." I notice Aizen sharing a look with you. Shivers run down my spine when I realize I could die.

Would it be by your own hand?

"We won't be in your way?" You respond.

"Not at all."

I take a look at you and then the next second you have me on your shoulders, moving across the town.

"Let me go!" I cry out.

You take me far enough and set me down on one of the tallest buildings in Karakura. "You're about to collapse, what are you doing here?" You ask.

"I couldn't sense either of your Reiatsu so I immediately opened a Senkaimon and got here ahead of you... As for the location of Karakura town, our side is well aware of it."

What side is yours?

"I wasn't asking how you got here. I was asking, what the hell your doing here with your body all beat up and worn out?"

I glare at you a little. "That's obvious, I'm here because your here." I take a step forward. "I can finally ask you directly." Please answer me truthfully. "Why are you working for Aizen? Kira trusted you so much, why did you betray him like that?" I bite my tongue in an attempt to hide my frustration.

"Are you saying that in all seriousness?" You ask like if I'm playing with you. "When you say 'you betrayed him even though he trusted you', you aren't really talking about Izuru, are you?" You get close to me and gently place your hand on my chest. "Really, why did you have to come here?"

I hold my breath. I can't say it. "Hey, Rangiku," you say softly as your lips brush my cheek. I turn to look at you. "You're in the way." You push me down and restrain me. I watch you as you say a few words before I start losing consciousness.

The snow looks like little feathers. The flakes float down gracefully and beautifully. But I wish they felt warmer on my skin.

Then I see you.

I see your smile.

But your fading away.

"I'm sorry, Rangiku"

I wake up again, panting. "Hakufuku," I mumble. What are your intentions. Why did you want to contain me. But something doesn't feel right about you anymore. What's going on?

This sensation...

Gin.

I swiftly get on my feet and I start to feel you.

Your spiritual pressure...

It's diminishing.

Gin.

Please be okay.

Please.

I pick up my pace as quick as I can and I finally begin to see something odd holding immense spiritual energy. Aizen.

And then...

I see you.

Everything stops.

I can't feel the wind blowing against my face, I can't hear my breathing, I can't hear my footsteps.

And I can't hear you.

"Gin!"

I'm not strong enough to see.

I can't hold back my tears.

I'm watching your eyes close.

I'm watching you fade away.

Can't you take me with you?

You've always had the tendency to disappear without warning, but now I won't be able to find you, I won't be able to hear your voice or see you smile.

I wasn't able to tell you even half of everything you mean to me.

I shout your name and there's no answer. There won't ever be an answer...

"Rangiku."

The silence between you and me, I can almost touch it.

" In the end, I couldn't give back what he took from you."

And the space between you and me just grew larger.

" I really should have apologized."

Every time I close my eyes I see you.

The snow is falling and I'm wishing for the sun.

"Gin!" I yell as I run towards you. "Where are you going, Gin? Those are shinigami's clothes, why are you dressed like that?"

You finally stop walking. "Isn't it obvious? I'm going to be a shinigami." You stare down at the snow. "I'm going to become a shinigami and change things." Your voice softens. "So you, won't have to cry anymore."

Whenever you disappeared, you'd never leave me anything to remember you by and I hated that part of you.

But if you did leave me something, I'd probably be stuck in that spot forever. And I'm sure you knew that about me.

Thank you, Gin...

I loved that part of you.

A/N: First published story after about 5 years. Just something short reflecting on Gin's death. I am terribly behind on Bleach so please be kind to me if you've spotted any inaccuracy. I just finished the Aizen/Arrancar Arc and I practically bawled when Gin died. I really wished that there would be more GinxRangiku moments but I realized that those two, even though Tite Kubo never focused on it as much as he should have, definitely are the most obvious and stated couple in the Manga. Anyway. I hope you enjoyed Rangiku's reflection on Gin. Thank you for reading, and if you have a kind soul, tell me what you think by clicking review. ^_^