Okay so here we are, November 30th, the last day of NaNoWriMo. This fic was my NaNoWriMo project this year and I did hit 50k with it, though as far as writing goes I'm still 6 chapters from the end so it's definitely a bit of a long fic. This fic is a rework of my first project Synesthesia, the core concepts are the same but a lot of the extra unnecessary and rather confusing drama has been removed. I put in a lot of work on this fic and I'm really happy with where it's going and what the ending will be.

I hope you enjoy the reboot and let me know what you think.

- Galia

Chapter 1

I could love you in the falling rain,
Grab your things this is a storm we're meant to ride
Like synesthesia aboard a stalling plane
It's like we're only flying for awhile,
Flying for awhile

And I see colors when I hear your voice
Grab your wings they're putting gravity on trial
I see colors, I don't fear the choice
Sometimes we're only flying for awhile

"Synesthesia" by Andrew McMahon

It's a warm evening in June, the San Francisco sun setting in the sky and T'Pol is about to make a very selfish decision. Not the most selfish one she's ever made, but it's definitely up there. She's curled on the couch, a PADD in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, she'd originally opened the PADD with the intent of writing to Trip, but with the PADD now open to a list of active duty positions she can't help but open one of them.

Position – First Officer/Science Officer

Ship – NX-01 Enterprise

Requirements – 4 years active duty experience, rank of Commander, good references, science degree

Application – contact Captain Jonathan Archer with resume, letter of recommendation from Admiral Gardner and history of Starfleet Service

The position had been open a week now, with no one wanting to apply, it's unsurprising, with Enterprise being decommissioned next June few would want to apply. Most of the new recruits and hopefuls were applying to the new class of ships which had officially launched two years ago. T'Pol has never really believed in fate but this position being open a week and her seeing it has to be something close, especially given why she'd about to contact Trip.

Contacting Trip was a selfish decision too, but at least it wasn't one that would affect their daughter, Trip would never have to tell Elizabeth that T'Pol had reappeared if she simply contacted him once. He could ignore her letter and continue with his life if he wished, or her could respond angrily telling her never to contact him again (which was probably the more likely of the two reactions).

If she returns to duty aboard Enterprise it could bring up uncomfortable questions, and even more uncomfortable answers, but those questions would come up eventually wouldn't they? Sooner or later Trip was going to have to sit down and explain to Elizabeth why her mother left, if Trip even knew himself. Trip was a good father he'd think of something to tell her, even if it was simply 'I don't know where she went, she just left one day' he'd still think of something.

Trip has always been a better father then she was mother, she'd struggled with every aspect of motherhood since they'd brought Elizabeth home from the Mars colony. Nursing was painful and Elizabeth's allergies meant she could only eat specific very bland things, sleeping almost never happened as Elizabeth was in sickbay every other night for something. Even something as simple as going to the bathroom caused them agony for Elizabeth seemed unnaturally prone to bladder infections and diaper rashes. Trip had taken everything in stride, meeting each thing as it came and bonding with Elizabeth along the way, but every time she was sick, or nursing became so painful she had to stop T'Pol only felt worse and worse. She'd hated being a mother, she'd tried for nearly 6 months to bond with her child to no avail. Finally when Enterprise was approaching Earth T'Pol had applied for last minute transfer and left, saying nothing to Trip or the Captain until the day before she was to leave.

At the time she'd been certain it was best for her daughter, that she was better off with Trip, the father who seemed to have been born to raise her. He could take care of her and it was best if T'Pol was just out of the picture because she wasn't meant to be a mother anyway. For years she'd felt as though she'd made the right choice, even when she became upset that she'd left her daughter she'd always been able to calm the guilt by reminding herself just how bad a mother she'd been.

Until six months ago, six months ago she'd finally gone to see a psychiatrist to discuss what had happened. When he'd told her she wasn't actually a bad mother at all, it had been Post-Partum Depression making her think that way and driving her to leave she'd argued. Vulcans didn't get Post-Partum Depression and even if they did, she hadn't given birth to Elizabeth. She had no reason to be depressed over it. The argument had prompted a call to a Vulcan psychiatrist, Vulcans most certainly did get Post-Partum Depression and though adoption was rare on Vulcan it had been seen in human mothers with their adopted infants. Dr. Wong just had to go and mess with everything, he'd been the one to suggest she write to Trip to talk about what happened, that even if he was mad at her it would help her get some closure, and ultimately that led her here. To the application.

She looks over at the Cacti lined up neatly on her window sill, trying to push the guilt back down and to keep herself from making an emotional decision. It doesn't work, and she taps the screen again and a new file opens up.

Admiral Gardner,

You have my sincerest apologies when I say I will not be returning to teach Physics at STC next month, though I enjoy teaching I have found the idea of returning to active duty more appealing. To do this I require a letter from the admiral and I am hoping you would write one for me.

Thank you for your time

Commander T'Pol

It's not the prettiest letter but Admiral Gardener has always appreciated conciseness. She doesn't expect to fool him either, he knows she hates teaching at STC but has wanted to stay with Starfleet. She hits send and gets up, the neighborhood cat will be expecting her dinner on the fire escape soon and she doesn't want to linger on what she's decided to do much longer.

Trip kisses Elizabeth on the forehead. "I'll be in the Captain's quarters if you need anything you can call okay sweet heart?"

From her nest of purple bedding the blue eyed little girl nods. "Yes daddy I know how to find you. Can you make sure Porthos gets some cheese from me?"

"Alright, but just one piece, he's been gettin' a little chubby from all the cheese you've been sneaking him." Trip teases, turning the light off and stepping back into the main room.

Thankfully Elizabeth has gone down easily tonight, some nights she decides she wants to fight him about her bed time being 7:30. Trip grabs his communicator so Lizzie can call him if she needs to, - she's still too short to reach the one on the wall - and heads towards the Captain's quarters.

Trip doesn't usually leave Elizabeth by herself at night, but she'd insisted she'd be fine without a babysitter for one night and Jon had pointed out that she was eight-years-old and it wasn't like she could get into very much trouble in their quarters anyway. Jon was right but Trip still turned the communicator all the way up and made sure Lizzie's was open on her night stand, that way he could listen in on her if he had too.

From the sound of it Captain Archer needed him tonight. Probably to further prompt him to take the first officers position, the same one he'd turned down four times before. He wasn't really looking to get promoted, and with a child it wasn't like he had a lot of extra time to take on first officer's duties. Still, Jon was his best friend and he was going to do his best to keep him occupied.

"Evenin' sir." Trip grins as the door slides open. Jon is on the couch, Porthos next to him and a water polo game is playing on the monitor.

"Trip, about time you got here. Lizzie go down alright?" Jon asks, holding a beer out to Trip and motioning for him to sit next to Porthos.

"Yeah she went down, fine, wants me to give Porthos a piece of cheese though." He grins, taking the beer and sitting on the couch. "What game?"

"Stanford vs. Florida State." Jon chuckles. "You know for a peninsula, you guys suck at water polo."

"Kicked your ass in football though." Trip reminds him, sitting back and taking a long drink from the bottle. "You solved our first officer problem yet?"

Jon grimaces. "Don't remind me, I really thought Commander Debroux would stick around, at least until we're decommissioned."

Commander Debroux had been their Science Officer and First Officer for the last two years, and it really had looked like she would see it through to the end. But when she'd been offered a promotion that would allow her to spend more time on Earth with her family she'd taken it. Not that Trip could blame her. If he'd been able to, he'd have taken Lizzie back to Earth and settled with her in Florida, but with her immune system they hadn't had that luxury.

"Maybe we should promote from within the science department?" Trip suggests.

"That solved the Science Officer problem but not my First Officer problem." Jon sighs. "No one there has enough experience to be First Officer, are you sure you don't want the position?"

"Yeah Captain, I'm sure." Trip sighs. "I got a kid to raise, I have to be home for dinner, not still workin' after shift ends. I'm sure you'll find someone."

"It's been a week that the application has been open Trip, no one's applied. It's time to face facts that no one wants this rust bucket anymore." Jon scratches Porthos behind the ears.

"Rust bucket?!" Trip says, feigning offence. "I take that as a personal insult this thing is flyin' better then Columbia and she's two years older." Trip took pride in this fact, he'd cared for this ship like it was his baby, but she was gettin' older. Even with the best care the engine model she'd been built with could only fly so long and through so much, the Delphic Expanse and Romulan War had taken their toll. It was time for the old girl to retire.

"That doesn't stop her from being decommissioned, does it? And no one wants to serve under a Captain who will be gone in a year anyway." Jon sighs. Trip knows he's not saying anything but he knows Jon is thinking that he wishes T'Pol were back.

"Well you ain't gonna find one like T'Pol again sir." He says quietly.

"I wasn't going to say that." Jon frowns.

"You were thinkin' it." Trip says.

There's a few moments of silence as they watch the game blankly. "How long has it been?"

"7 years to the day." Trip takes another drink and sighs. "7 years and I still don't know why."

"Have you thought about contacting her?" Jon asks.

"I think about it every day, but then I think about what I would say. I sure as hell have a right to be angry, I mean what kind of person just transfers without telling anyone?" Trip sighs.

"Trip I'm sorry I-"

"Don't be, she went above your head to do it. Which gives me the impression that she was so desperate to get away from us that it didn't matter what any of us said, she'd have done it. I just wish she'd had the guts to look us in the face and tell us she wanted to transfer. Instead she told me she was transferring and Elizabeth would better off with me." Trip mutters angrily.

Jon sits next to him almost stunned into silence. "I think she was struggling Trip." He says quietly. "Elizabeth was a tough baby, always sick, she's still always sick. I think she struggled with that and neither of us noticed."

"Then how come she didn't say anything?" Trip sighs. "If she was struggling I'd've helped, she knows I'd've helped. There's a difference between struggling with a sick kid and leaving your child. I struggle with her when she's sick and I never once thought that I should leave. If you ask me leaving seems like a pretty cowardly way out. Maybe she just didn't want to be a mother anymore."

"Maybe she didn't know how to ask." Jon points out. "T'Pol was never very good at asking for help in the first place, maybe she just didn't know what to say, or who she could go to."

"Me, she could've gone to me." Trip sighs. "But moping about it now won't help anything. It's just the anniversaries make me miss her, and Lizzie looks so much like her now doesn't she?"

"She does yeah, definitely looks more like T'Pol then you, the hair, the uh ears." Jon smiles. "And I have a feeling if T'Pol was a little more emotional she and Elizabeth would be a lot alike too."

"Nah, Lizzie's a hell of a lot like my sister." Trip chuckles, taking another drink of his beer. "Teenage years are gonna be fun, at least we'll be trapped on a Starship, not able to run off with boys past her curfew on a Starship."

"She'll still be one hell of a teenager from what you've told me about your sister." Jon chuckles.

"Yeah she probably will, I was pretty bad as a teenager too, though my MO was taking things apart at the worst of times and she already does that." Trip grins, putting the empty beer bottle in the trash next to the couch, then he stands up and stretches. "I should get going, I left Elizabeth alone and that makes me nervous, besides I got a few engineering logs I want to look over before bed."

"Alright, night Trip." Jon says, standing up and following him to the door.

"Night sir, see you at breakfast."