I am totally still on hiatus- but there was just this one thing about Chasing Ghosts that really bugged me the other day (I'm sure you know what it is…) and I really needed to write Tony yelling at Ziva in order to move on from it :P So, ta-da.
For some reason, Tony insists on driving her home so she can pack a bag, and she is harboring too much guilt to argue. The car ride passes in silence except for his muttered, "Asshole," when a truck cuts them off. Ziva suspects that his sour mood has everything to do with her.
But she doesn't ask. Instead, when they pull up outside her apartment building, she makes the mistake of saying, "You did not have to do this."
He roughly puts the car in park. "Yeah. You've made it pretty clear that I'm totally dispensable to you."
"That is not what I said."
"Might as well have." Tony turns toward her then, and even though his face is pinched and angry, the hurt is also clear. It is this that makes tears prick the backs of her eyes. She did not want to makes his face crumble like that. She did not want to put those lines in the center of his forehead. All she wanted was to catch Bodnar while keeping the others safe.
And now they've all gotten dragged into it and here is her partner, her closest friend, upset with her in a way he hasn't been for a long, long time.
Not since Michael, she realizes.
Ziva exhales slowly. "Tony-"
"I thought things were different now." His voice is quiet, hollow. She would prefer it if he yelled at her. "The sneaking around, the secrets… I thought we trusted each other."
"We do," she says weakly.
"Really?" Tony sits back heavily in his seat. Rain has begun to fall outside; big drops land on the windshield and then roll down, as if they are trying to escape the monster that is the sky. "Because this feels like the same old thing, all the damn time. I'm sent to Cartagena with you and you call me dead weight. I try to support you after your dad dies, and you shut me out. And now I'm worried, I'm afraid you're going to get yourself killed- and nobody bothers to fill me in on what's happening. Not you, and not your little sidekick." He hits the steering wheel in frustration. "McGee? Seriously, Ziva?"
She bites her bottom lip to stop it from quivering. Before she can think up an acceptable response- is there one?- he is off again. "I mean, it would be one thing if we were all in the dark. I'd get that. But why did you decide to enlist him and nobody else?"
Silence falls over them like a heavy, oppressive blanket. Ziva swallows several times before managing, "Are you finished?"
"Yeah." Tony clenches his jaw. "Are you gonna answer my question?"
"I didn't want to," she snaps. "Involve McGee, I mean. I asked for his help out of necessity."
Tony scowls, but Ziva thinks she detects the slightest softening of his features. "Necessity?"
"Yes. Ilan has vast resources at his disposal; were you under the impression that I would be able to track him down with only what I know about technology?" She holds his gaze until he glances down at his lap, effectively ending their staring contest. "His skill was vital, so I kept him up to date. It was not a personal affront to you."
A very pregnant, very uncomfortable pause fills the void between them. "I know," he admits at last, surprising her, and a clap of thunder punctuates the statement. "I know this is your thing, and that's fine. But I wish you'd felt like you could come to me."
"I intended to," she says. "Soon. McGee was telling the truth about that."
Tony, seeming conflicted, runs his hand through his hair. She takes her cue from him and reaches back to tighten her ponytail. They sit without looking at each other, waiting for whatever comes next.
Finally, Tony asks, "Do you want me here now?"
"Of course."
"You want me to come to Rome?"
"Yes, Tony." Ziva's throat is too dry, so she clears it… and then, although the truth is a difficult thing to reveal, she decides that it is necessary at this particular moment. "I need you."
His head turns sharply in her direction as surprise registers on his face. And, to her immense relief, he begins to smile. Not impishly, either; this smile belongs to someone whose partnership may survive a betrayal, after all.
"Good. Because I need you, too."
Has anybody ever said that to her before? If they have, she can't remember it now- and so, if they have, it must not have left much of an impression.
But she knows with absolute certainty that she will never forget the sincerity in Tony's eyes tonight.
"Let's go get you packed," he says. The idea of him accompanying her inside no longer fills her with dread. She nods and pushes open her door, then launches herself out into the rain. As soon as she rounds the hood of his car, he is there, reaching out. Taking her hand.
And they run across the parking lot side by side.