A/N - This is an alternate one shot version of "I never meant to hurt you." Changes POV throughout. One of my readers suggested I do "I never meant to hurt you" as a one short with a different outcome, so here it is. Hopefully it is darker than the other. I tried, I really did, that's all I can say.
WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH AND SUICIDE!!!
I don't own Artemis Fowl or the series. If I did, Root would still be alive. (Unless by some miracle he is alive in "The Lost Colony", which I haven't read yet. If he does, DON'T TELL ME!!) I do, however, own the poem that Holly wrote.
Normal
"Talking"
Flashbacks, the letter and the poem
POV change
Holly's POV
There was absolutely no way out of this concrete cubicle other than the locked door just as there was nothing that would be of any use. I had looked around this… this room so many times I felt as if I had been there forever. I was in the far right corner, as far away from the door as I could get. There was thin mattress across from me, and a camera mounted above the door on a turning gear. The mattress was filled with nothing but air and rested on the floor, giving me no metal I could possibly us as a weapon so I could even hope to try and use to at least get out of this damn room.
But thoughts like that, of escaping, were history. I no longer wanted to get out of the room. I just wanted to just fade away after what the Mud Boy told me I had done.
I felt a heavy, slashing pain of grief in my chest. I pressed my hand to my heart, hoping this might ease the pain, even if it was just a little. It didn't. I closed my eyes and turned my face away from the camera, not wanting to give the Mud Boy the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I didn't want him to know how much his words had hurt my soul. Hurt it enough to shatter it into a million pieces so that it could never be had whole again.
"What hostage fund?" I demanded.
"Oh, come now, Captain. Why bother with the charade? You told me about it yourself."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I -- I told you?!" I managed to stammer out, silently cursing myself for doing so. "Ridiculous!"
The Mud Boy smiled coldly. "Look at your arm."
I did so slowly, dreading and knowing what I would find. There was a small piece of cotton taped over the vein of my arm. D'Arvit.
That's where we administered the sodium petathol." he continued conversationally. "It is commonly known as truth serum. You sang like a bird."
I stared at him. He had to be telling the truth. There was no way he could've known about the hostage fund otherwise. What the hell else had I told him?
I squeezed myself into a tighter ball, as if in doing so I could fade away and escape this miserable place, though I knew it was impossible to even hope for such a thing. I didn't deserve to escape alive from here.
I still couldn't believe that I had talked, even if it was against my will. It had been by fault for be so weak and not fighting back when I had been captured. But I had talked. I had revealed sacred secrets of the People to a Mud Man. I had failed Commander Root once again. I had failed the people I worked with. I had failed on my promise to never again let others down. And now I was falling apart from the inside out, though there wasn't a whole lot left of me inside now to be torn apart.
Maybe it wouldn't matter that I had talked. I doubted that the Council would approve using the ransom fund for me. After all, I was the first female Recon officer who was only in Recon on a trail basis, and I had fouled up twice in the field before this…incident with that insufferable Mud Boy. It was quite possible that they would give the order to blue rinse this place and save themselves the trouble of setting up a time-stop and attempting a rescue, and save themselves a ton of gold if the Mud Boy was as smart as he claimed to be.
But what if they did manage to get me out of here with or without having to use the hostage fund? No doubt the Mud Boy would inform them that I had talked, and it wouldn't matter how I had done it, which had been against my will and without knowing it, just that I had. That or he had already made contact with them and they knew about my disgraceful actions.
If they did rescue me, I was lucky if I was kicked off of Recon and banished to some faraway, almost non-existent place. If I wasn't lucky then I would probably be locked up for gods know how long a time.
I had talked. I still couldn't believe it. Why did that have to happen? I loved my job and the people I worked with and Commander Root. I didn't want to be the one who provided anyone with the weapons or information to hurt them, Mud Men or fairy.
When the Mud Boy had first told me what he had done, what I had done, I thought, I prayed, I hoped that maybe I hadn't told him too much…
"This isn't over, Fowl." I managed to say at last. "We have powers you can't possibly know about. It would take days to describe them all."
The boy laughed infuriatingly. "How long do you think you've been here?"
I couldn't help it; I groaned. I had told him much more than I had thought. "A few hours?" I guessed hopefully.
The Mud Boy shook his head. "Three days. We've had you on the drip for over sixty hours…until you told us everything we needed to know."
I was stunned. No, I was more than stunned. I was horrified. Over sixty hours? Then I must have told him so much more than I had thought… I forced myself to look up into those cold, human eyes. "Three days? You could've killed me. What kind of…" What kind of…creature I thought the Mud Boy was, he would never find out. I couldn't think of any words strong enough to describe what I was feeling. I fell silent as the Mud Boy smiled ruthlessly one last time and left.
…but I had been wrong. So terribly wrong.
I rested my head on my knees, a single sob escaping my lips. I just wanted to fade away, become nothing. To become less than nothing, because after what I had done, I was worth nothing. By telling that Mud Boy what I had, I had lost all of my integrity. I felt sick with guilt, and just wanted to fall off of the face of the earth. It was what I deserved for spilling fairy secrets to a Mud Boy, betraying those I cared about and respected.
When Commander Root first allowed me to join Recon, I had been ecstatic. My dreams were coming true; I was the first female Recon officer in history. True, I was a trial operation, but still, I was here.
On that day I swore to myself that I would never be the one to cause any harm to those I now lived and worked with. Working in Recon was my life, especially since I didn't have any sort of life at home, and no friends other than Foaly, Trouble and few others in Recon.
Commander Root was harder one me than my fellow male counterparts, but he was still the best man I could've ever asked to serve under. In my mind, he had become almost like a second father, someone stern and caring, though he wasn't often caring to anyone. But he still was whether he showed it or not.
Then I went and repaid him by being captured by Mud Men and telling them the secrets of the People.
"What have I done?" I asked myself, voice rusty with holding back tears for so long. But I knew the answer. The real question, the only one left, was how could I fix it? I guess the answer to that one was nothing. I was powerless here. There was nothing in the cell that I could even hope to use as a weapon. If only there was something sharp in this gods-forsaken cell.
I heard a small whirring noise and looked up. The camera had turned slightly on its mounted pedestal so it was pointed directly at me; I could see my reflection in the glass lens…
…glass lens.
Wait a moment. Glass is sharp when broken. If I could gather all of the remnants of my magic then maybe, just maybe, I could shatter it.
I turned away from the camera. As soon as I acted the Mud Boy would either send that huge Mud Man down here or come himself. I wouldn't have long to act once I had a piece of glass. You see, when I said I wanted a weapon, I didn't want it to use it to get out of the cell. Not alive, anyways.
As soon as I had been accepted into Recon, I had a sort of premonition that something like this would happen. So I had written a letter to Commander Root and left it in my desk so he would find it only after I was dead. I remember everything I had written in the letter and the poem that I had written on the back. I hoped it would be Root who would find it and not someone else, except Foaly. I didn't mind if Foaly read it. He had become my best friend, always trying to invent new things and always there with a smile when I was having a bad day at work. A smile I would never get to see again.
Slowly, I got slowly to my feet and walked over to the camera, praying to any gods that might be listening I would have enough magic left to break the glass lens.
I glared up at the camera. You made be betray those I loved, Mud Boy. And now you want to try and use me even further against them. I don't think so.
I would rather die first.
And that was exactly what I planned on doing.
Artemis's POV
The Captain had been huddled in the corner of the cell for a long time, only glancing up at the camera twice. Probably crying. Now she was on her feet and looking up at the camera. There was a look of hopelessness in her eyes as I gazed back at her though the screen, though she couldn't see me. There was something more than hopelessness in those eyes, one of someone who has nothing left to live for. It was almost a dead look, one that sent shivers down my back, surprising me. Also to my surprise a feeling of self-doubt and regret was worming its way into my mind. The lies I had told her about having her on truth serum for over sixty hours and getting a lot of information about her people out of her had affected her mind and spirit much more than I had expected. It was bothering me that I had told her such lies.
I shoved the feelings away. I didn't have time or the need for such feelings.
Turning my attention back to the screen, I noticed something. Blue sparks of magic were clustered in the fairy's hand before she flung them at the camera. It broke, losing the image instantly. This wasn't good. I turned to Butler, who was standing behind me. "Stay here and watch the other cameras."
Butler started to argue but stopped. My tone of voice left no room for argument.
Holly's POV
It actually worked. I couldn't believe it. The camera lens fell to the floor along with various other bits and pieces of the machine. The lens was intact for the most part, just broken and ragged on one edge. Perfect.
Returned to the far wall I slid down to the floor. "I'm sorry to have failed you like this, Commander Root." I whispered sadly, leaning my head back against the wall as I finally let my tears fall. "Please forgive me for failing, and for taking the easy way out."
Holding the jagged edge of the glass over one wrist, I slashed it.
Artemis's POV
I was cursing myself as I ran, which was highly unusual. Both the running and cursing myself, I mean.
Why on earth had I built the cell on the opposite side and on another floor of the Fowl Manor from the communications room?
I had a pretty good idea as to why the fairy captain destroyed the camera watching her; either she had managed to smuggle an acorn in and there was some sort of dirt in the cell, or she had a weapon hidden on her and was going to take her own life. Since the first was impossible, I knew it had to be the latter… I just hoped I could get there in time to stop her.
Why I hadn't simply sent Butler to check on her, I wasn't sure. Was it because I had kidnapped her from her people in the first place? Maybe. Was it because it had been my own condescending, cruel words that had driven her to such measures? Much more likely.
Hurriedly I punched the access code into the security device. The door opened and I hurried inside.
Holly's POV
Vaguely I thought I heard the pounding sound of approaching footsteps outside of the cell. It didn't matter, though. Whoever it was, they were too late to do anything for me now, unless they had magic, which was more than highly unlikely. If I was even hearing correctly anymore, so I might not have heard anything.
My vision was gone, and the pain I felt from the wounds I had made on my wrists and neck was starting to become more of a numbing pain than a throbbing, burning one.
Strangely enough the words of a poem I had written came to my mind. I never knew how or why the words had come to me at that time. But now that I was in this position, in the hands of Mud Men as a traitor to my comrades and my people, I knew.
Almost without realizing it, I started reciting the poem, almost as if I was saying goodbye to this world.
This horrible world that had made me betray those I loved.
Artemis's POV
I hear myself gasp in horror as entered the cell. Across from me the fairy was slumped on her side against the wall. Blood was running from deep gouges on her wrists and neck, pooling around her. A sharp piece of glass next to one hand; what was left of the camera lens. Her eyes were closed, mouth slightly open. Her cheeks were wet with tears.
She couldn't heal herself. She had no more magic to do so, not after destroying the camera. She didn't want to live, so she was taking her on life. And it was entirely my fault.
But she was still alive. Barely.
As I knelt down next to her I could hear her voice, cracked and broken with pain though it was I could still hear and understand her saying words that were filled with pain, sadness and defeat:
"I'm flying away
Fading away
Vanishing from sight
Forgetting the light
To leave
And never breathe
Again
What I have done?
There's nowhere left for me to run
I'm fading away
But I'll be okay
I'm going beyond this place
Just please don't forget my face
The one who loved you
The one who betrayed you
Was me
I'm so sorry
Please forgive me
I love you all
Goodbye."
Then she was gone. I felt her leave.
I choked back tears. I had made her believe that she had betrayed her people and her commander. I had practically told her that she was to blame for everything; everything that was nothing but lies. I had broken her very soul and spirit with the words I had so carelessly spoken.
How could I have done that to someone who was innocent?
How could I have killed someone?
Root's POV
One of Foaly's computers started blinking and beeping. He frowned at it, hitting a button and leaning close to the screen.
"What is it, Foaly? What's happening?"
"Movement at the main doors of the Manor, Julius. It looks like that Mud Boy. And…" he trailed off, back going poker straight. "He's - he's carrying something."
I didn't dare look at the screen. I didn't want to. Foaly's reaction told me what had happened, though I desperately didn't want to believe it.
I took off, almost running down the avenue that led to the main doors of the manor. The Mud Boy, Artemis, was slowly descending the stairs, his body stiff, steps jerky. His eyes were bright with unshed tears, an emotion I never thought possible from someone like him.
In his arms was the bloody, unmoving body of my best officer, Captain Holly Short.
I immediately rushed over and took her from him. Fighting back the fear that was welling up in my chest I laid her on the ground, desperate to save her.
"I-I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean for this t-to happen…" the Mud Boy stammered above me. I ignored him. Placing my hands over Holly's wounds I said, "Heal."
Blue sparks flitted over them, neatly knitting skin and muscle back together. I heard Foaly shout something as he thundered up the stone pathway before dropping to his knees across from me, or as much as he could with four horse legs. Then he was gently stroking Holly's face, tears leaking from his eyes.
When the blue sparks faded, I checked for a pulse only to find there was none. She had been too far gone for me to reach her. That or she didn't want to come back to us.
I whirled around to glare at the Mud Boy. I was so angry with him and at the same time trying to comprehend the fact that Holly was gone my voice only came out in a whisper as I demanded, "What did you do to her?"
Artemis's POV
Commander Root took her body from me as soon as I hit the avenue. I tried to say something, though I don't remember what. I was just hoping, praying that it wasn't too late, that he could heal her. I needed to tell her I was sorry for lying to her, sorry for hurting her like I had. I needed her to be angry, furious with me for what I had done to her. I needed someone other than myself to be angry with me.
I heard the thundering of hooves and looked up to see who I knew had to be Foaly the centaur. As he approached I heard him shout, "Holly, NO!" before dropping to his knees next to Holly and the commander. There were tears in his grief-filled eyes as he gently touched her face.
The healing blue sparks faded as the commander checked for a pulse. I could tell the way his shoulders slumped in defeat that she hadn't some back. He whirled around to glare at me. "What did you do to her?"
His tone of voice was the same Holly's had been when she asked me why I hadn't just killed her after the lie about the truth serum. A tone of hopelessness, anger and painful defeat.
I knew I had to tell them the truth. If they decided to try and kill me after I told them, Butler wouldn't be there to stop them, and I wouldn't resist .I had murdered someone these two cared about. Never in all of my wildest daydreams of what criminal activities I would do did I ever contemplate or even want to commit murder.
"She - she did it to herself. She - no, Holly broke the camera that was in her cell and used the glass lens to…" I couldn't complete the sentence.
Commander Root turned back to look at Holly, lying a hand on her shoulder. "She would never take her own life just because she had been captured. You must've said or done something to her to make her think that we wouldn't come for her. What did you do or say to Holly that drove her to do this?"
Foaly's POV
Julius hadn't been able to save Holly. He had healed her wounds, but she hadn't come back to us. I brushed one of her auburn locks away from her closed eyes that I would never see again. Those beautifully mischievous brown eyes and cheerful personality that always brightened up my world when I was having a bad day. Eyes that I would never see filled with laughter as I teased Julius, or the rare occasions she teased him.
I looked up at the Mud Boy when Julius demanded to know what he had said to make Holly take her own life. I started. Holly, take her own life? She must have been told something very drastic to make the cheerful fairy I knew depressed enough to take her own life. I glared at the Mud Boy as hard as I could. Let him know that what he had done was unforgivable, and that, given half a chance, I would gladly kill him.
"I - I told her that I had kept her on a truth serum drip for sixty hours and - and that I knew all the secrets of the fairies because of - of what she told me." The Mud Boy finally said, looking down at his shoes. "But it was all a lie. I got a hold of a copy of the Book before I kidnapped her. That was how I knew about the hostage fund, how to evade the mesmer, and where to find one of your kind" he looked up at us. "I'm sorry."
I found my voice right then. "Damn you, Mud Boy. Your apology isn't worth shit! You never thought that your words would bother her, did you? Fairies have feelings, too, just like most humans! Just because you don't have any didn't mean that Holly didn't! You made her think that she had betrayed her friends and the people she was supposed to protect? Don't bother pretending to be sorry, Mud Boy, because you aren't. A coldhearted human like you who doesn't have any friends will never know what it's like to lose someone you love, and you shouldn't go asking for forgiveness when you take away someone from those she loved and who loved her."
Root's POV
I didn't bother trying to stop Foaly's rant. If it made him feel even a little bit better about losing Holly, his best friend, then I would allow it. I also allowed it because I couldn't find the words I wanted to tell the boy what I thought of him. I didn't even try to say anything that was coming to my mind because I knew that if I did, I might very well attack him, and although it would make me feel a little better it would not solve anything. It would not bring Holly back.
Gently I crossed Holly's arms over her chest before gathering her into my arms and got to my feet, Foaly doing the same while still giving the Mud Boy a death glare, which he was very good at. Before I could turn and walk away, the Mud Boy stepped in my way. His eyes were not on me or Foaly, but on Holly's unmoving form in my arms.
Artemis's POV
The centaur was yelling, cursing me for what I had done. I remained silent, almost glad in a way that someone was venting their anger on me for what I had done to Holly Short. I just wish that the commander would've yelled at me, too.
Commander Root got to his feet with Holly in his arms. I would most certainly let them leave, but there was something that I needed to do first. Putting myself between the commander and the way out, I looked down at Holly. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw the centaur Foaly clench his fists and glare at me even more. I didn't care.
Slowly I reached up and covered one of Holly's hands with my own. What felt like a million emotions were churning inside of me, the biggest and loudest was remorse, followed very closely by grief, something I was slightly surprised to feel for someone I barely knew. But then again, I had taken away all hope from her, and I had taken her away from those who loved her. She hadn't deserved to die, let alone at her own hand.
"I lied to you, Captain. I should never have done that. I'm sorry, Holly. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
After I said that, I felt a single tear snaking its way down my cheek. I didn't try and brush it away.
Root's POV - one week later
It had been a week since Holly had…died. It was only now that I had been able to approach her desk to clean it out for the next Recon officer. I really didn't have any idea of what to do with her personal things. She didn't have any family, and not many friends.
I sat down in her chair, remembering with a small smile the time she had fallen asleep while filling out a report. She had fallen out of her chair and hit her head, waking herself up. She had jumped to her feet, startling everyone (including me) by using some curses even I hadn't heard before, which is surprising in itself.
I opened the first drawer, and frowned. Right on top was an envelope with my name on it, in Holly's handwriting. Still frowning, I opened it. There was a letter inside, addressed to me, from Holly. The date on the envelope had been Holly's first day in Recon.
Dear Commander Julius Root
If you're reading this, then I'm dead. Yes, I know, I messed up yet again, but at least it'll be the last time you have to deal with one of my mess-ups. Go right ahead a yell at me, I know I deserve it. Just so you know I probably yelled at myself as well.
Well, at least your first and probably only female Recon officer isn't going to be getting everything in a shambles anymore. If there ever is ever another female Recon officer, I know she'll do better than I.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for failing you this badly; I never wanted to disappoint you, someone I truly respected and came to think of as a second father. I hope my last mess-up, whatever I did to get myself killed, doesn't get you into trouble.
Thank you for giving me the chance to realize my dreams. I never regretted being a part of Recon, not even when I died.
But if I was in a position where I had to take my own life because I was going to be forced or had been forced to talk about the People, then I did regret it only because I wasn't strong enough to fight back.
Once again, Julius, I'm sorry. Tell Foaly I'm sorry as well.
Your always loyal officer,
-- Captain Holly Short
Less than half-way through the letter I stopped. Holly had written this almost as if she was sure that she would end up dying on duty. Saying that she was sorry for messing up, and hoping that she hadn't gotten me into trouble. Even though she was dead, she just hoped I wasn't in trouble. Typical stubborn and caring Holly Short.
I forced myself to finished reading it.
The last few lines were what really bothered me; saying that if she had been forced to take her own life it would be the only time she would regret being a Recon officer, and only because she hadn't been strong enough to resist being captured and forced to tell our secrets.
The frightening thing was, that was exactly how she had ended up dying.
I could feel tears leaking out of my eyes as I pressed the letter to my heart. "Oh, Holly. You were always strong. You were never, ever weak."
Even though the letter was addressed solely to me, I decided to show it to one other person; Foaly. Since Holly had said in the letter to tell Foaly that she was sorry I knew that she wouldn't mind, and from what little I had seen of the centaur, maybe reading the letter would help to ease his pain and maybe put him a little more at peace with her death.
Foaly was in his Operations Booth just as he always was, though he wasn't working but looking at a photo when I came in. He quickly hid the photo, but not fast enough. It was one of him and Holly taken during the surprise birthday party he had planned for her last year.
"Foaly? I found this letter in Holly's desk. It's addressed to me, but I think she would've liked you to read it as well."
Foaly was crying well before he was done with it. When he was done, he stared at her signature, tracing it with a fingertip. Swiping the back of his hand over his eyes, he turned it over. "Wait, Julius. There's more on the back."
I frowned. "I didn't see that."
I walked over behind Foaly and read it over his shoulder.
"I'm flying away
Fading away
Vanishing from sight
Forgetting the light
To leave
And never breathe
Again
What I have done?
There's nowhere left for me to run
I'm fading away
But I'll be okay
I'm going beyond this place
Just please don't forget my face
The one who loved you
The one who betrayed you
Was me
I'm so sorry
Please forgive me
I love you all
Goodbye."
"We will never forget you, Holly." I whispered. "And don't worry; you never did anything wrong."
A/N - Yeah, yeah, I KNOW I kept changing the POV a lot near the end. Sorry about that, but it was the only was to show what more than one character was feeling at any particular time. And yes, I know Artemis probably would've used a tiny pin-hole camera or something like that. I also know that Artemis was rather out of character, but hey, THIS IS MY STORY, SO DEAL WITH IT!!
Was it dark and sad enough?
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!!!
-New Moon Werewolf