THE LIFE DOWNTOWN
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell-phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835-107 Baixa da Banheira
E-mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
July 2002
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Unlike most people do, I consider stress to be a wonderful thing. And the reason for this is that I'm not part of it. I look around, I see all those people walking with their suitcases and their papers, y'know? It amazes me that they never stay too much time at the same place. They move at light speed. One minute they're here, the next... gone. Never to be seen again.
I like to find stressed people on public places cause they're always in such a rush, I don't have to wait long for a spot.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ENTER THE APARTMENT.
GEORGE
Look, Jerry, just because you have a girlfriend, money and a good job and your own apartment, it doesn't' mean that you're in a better position in life than me! (SHORT PAUSE) Okay! Maybe it does. But that's not the point! The point is that you have to deserve what you got and I don't think you do.
JERRY
Yeah. Like you do.
GEORGE
No, you do.
KRAMER
Why are you complaining?
GEORGE
Huh?
KRAMER
You're saying you have no girlfriend, no money, no independence... You know why?
GEORGE
No. Why?
KRAMER
Because you don't fight!
GEORGE
I'm not a violent man, Kramer.
KRAMER
No, I mean fighting for a chance, having a dream and trying to fulfill it! Go out there and exploit the world! (CONT.)
JERRY
Don't you mean, "explore" the word?
KRAMER (cont'd)
(NOT LISTENING) See the beauty in it!
JERRY
What beauty?
GEORGE
I don't know. I think I'd rather stay here.
KRAMER
That's what's keeping you away from being happy.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Your poor sense of adventure.
JERRY
More like his great sense of bad luck.
GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A SECOND. JERRY AND KRAMER WATCH HIM SILENTLY.
GEORGE
Okay. Okay. I think you have a point Kramer. It's time I do something with my life. Otherwise I might just...
JERRY
You might just... what?
GEORGE
Become something. I don't know... Jerry, I'm going.
JERRY
That's great.
GEORGE
I'll pick up my stuff later, okay?
JERRY
Sure. No problem. Do you have any idea where you're going?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Well, that's gonna be quiet an adventure.
KRAMER
(WALKS TO THE DOOR) I think I'm gonna have some sleep now.
JERRY
Peasant dreams.
KRAMER EXITS.
GEORGE
Shouldn't it be "pleasant" dreams?
JERRY
I don't know. Whatever it fits better, I guess.
GEORGE
Why is he sleeping in the middle of the day? He's been doing this for the last three days.
JERRY
Insomnia, I guess. Or maybe it's one of his sleep therapies.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GOES ANSWER IT.
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE (V. O.)
It's Elaine.
JERRY
Come on up. (TO GEORGE) Do you have anything on your mind?
GEORGE
No, my mind is a blank right now.
JERRY
I'm talking about a place to live, not your regular brain condition.
GEORGE
I'm not sure.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
GEORGE
Hi, Elaine. (TO JERRY) I'm thinking maybe some place quiet with a good location. And a view. It has to have a view.
JERRY
All apartments have a view.
GEORGE
As long as that view is not a building.
JERRY
You're not expecting green flowered hills, are you?
ELAINE
What're you two talking about?
JERRY
George is looking for an apartment.
GEORGE
Why do you have to answer for me all the time? I'm capable of speak, y'know? (TO ELAINE) I'm looking for an apartment.
ELAINE
I know, Jerry told me.
GEORGE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
JERRY SMILES MOCKINGLY.
ELAINE
(TO GEORGE) Hey, y'know what? There's a free apartment on a building three blocks away from me.
GEORGE
Is that in downtown?
ELAINE
Yup. It's a one-bedroom apartment.
GEORGE
A one bed-room apartment? That's great!
ELAINE
Yeah, the guy that was living on the top floor moved recently. The place is very cheap cause the landlord can't find anyone. Are you interested?
GEORGE
Is it quiet?
ELAINE
Absolutely. I mean, it's in downtown, but... yes. It's like an oasis in the middle of the desert.
JERRY
A mirage is more likely.
GEORGE
What about the rent?
ELAINE
It's eight hundred dollars.
GEORGE
That's not bad.
JERRY
The lesser the better.
GEORGE
How do I get in touch with the landlord?
ELAINE
I'll give you his number.
GEORGE
Okay. (WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING) Jerry, do you have a pen?
JERRY
Check out the kitchen drawer.
GEORGE
(WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A PEN FROM THE DRAWER) Why do you keep a pen on your kitchen drawer?
JERRY
It's as good as any other place.
GEORGE
(GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER) Alright, what's the number?
ELAINE
Are you talking to me?
GEORGE
Yes.
ELAINE
I can't give you his number right now, George.
GEORGE
What d'you mean you can't give me his number right now? I went through all this trouble just to find a pen and now you're telling me that you can't give me his number? Now, you listen to me... I want that number... now.
ELAINE
I can't.
GEORGE
Why not?
ELAINE
Cause I don't have it here with me.
GEORGE
You could've said something.
ELAINE
How was I supposed to know?
GEORGE
Fine. (WALKS TO THE DOOR) I'll see you guys later.
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
(TURNS BACK AND SMILES) To see the world, my friend! To see the world! (EXITS)
JERRY
So...
GEORGE REENTERS THE APARTMENT.
GEORGE
This is gonna be the turning point in my life!
GEORGE EXITS AGAIN. JERRY AND ELAINE WAIT A FEW SECONDS BUT THIS TIME, GEORGE DOESN'T RETURN.
JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN. ELAINE SITS ON A CHAIR.
JERRY
So, what's the deal?
ELAINE
About what?
JERRY
You know...
ELAINE
No, what?
JERRY
About the apartment...
ELAINE
(SWALLOWS) What about it?
JERRY
Come one! Do I have to spell it out?
ELAINE
You could, 'cause I have no idea what're you talking about.
JERRY
Alright. How much is the landlord paying you?
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
Come on, Elaine.
ELAINE
Thirty per cent...
JERRY
On eight hundred dollars? That's a great amount of money just to find a tenant.
ELAINE
I know. He's really desperate cause no one wants to live in an
attic these days.
JERRY
I thought you said it was a one-bedroom apartment.
ELAINE
In downtown? For eight hundred dollars? Are you crazy?
JERRY
Have you slept with him yet?
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
Well?
JERRY STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. ELAINE FOLLOWS HIM.
ELAINE
Yes.
ELAINE EXITS.
JERRY
I guess he's really desperate then.
JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY IS HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE SHOWS UP AND JOINS HIM.
ELAINE
Have you seen George?
JERRY
No. He's still out there.
ELAINE
He hasn't returned in two days? Where's he sleeping?
JERRY
Wherever the world grants him with a shelter, I think.
THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.
WAITRESS
What will it be?
ELAINE
Just coffee, please.
THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.
JERRY EYES ELAINE INQUISITIVELY.
ELAINE
I ate a sandwich on my way here.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
Because I was hungry then, okay?
JERRY
And now you're not?
ELAINE
No! (GETS UP) I'm going to the bathroom.
ELAINE WALKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.
WAITRESS
Where's your friend?
JERRY
She went to the bathroom.
THE WAITRESS POURS SOME COFFEE ON ELAINE'S CUP AND LEAVES. JERRY CONTINUES EATING.
A MOMENT LATER, ELAINE RETURNS, VISIBLY UPSET WITH SOMETHING.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Nothing.
JERRY
Come on, you can tell me.
ELAINE
Can or should?
JERRY
That's up to you.
ELAINE
Forget it. This I'm not telling you.
JERRY
Are you upset?
ELAINE
Of course I'm upset!
JERRY
You see? That's one of the reasons you have to tell me.
ELAINE
Because it upset me? You find that amusing?
JERRY
Not amusing. More like useful.
ELAINE
Okay... I'd probably tell you sooner or later. I... er... I went to the men's bathroom.
JERRY
You went to the men's bathroom?!
ELAINE
(SHOOS JERRY) Be quiet!
JERRY
Is there anything about you that I'm not aware of?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Any prison time experience that you decided to keep in secrecy?
ELAINE
No!
JERRY
So why did you do it?
ELAINE
I had to. There were no other stalls available. Besides, the stench in there was beyond agonizing. And the floor... Uh! If you stayed at the same place for more than ten seconds you'd be stuck.
JERRY
Then what?
ELAINE
Well, I came out from there, I walked to the men's bathroom. I opened the door just a snag, y'know? In case something unusual was happening in there.
JERRY
What d'you mean "something unusual"?
ELAINE
I don't know. It's a men's bathroom, Jerry. People tell strange things about those places.
JERRY
People tell strange things about women's bathroom too.
ELAINE
Anyway... It was empty. So I got in, I did what I had to do and I came out of there in no time. It took less than thirty seconds.
JERRY
That's not the end of the world. You're upset only because of that?
ELAINE
Not exactly.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
It's just...
JERRY
What?!
ELAINE
Your bathroom is cleaner than ours. Much, much cleaner. Like a gay bathroom.
JERRY
You mean my bathroom or this bathroom?
ELAINE
This. But yours is clean too.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
I'm surprised as much as you. I thought men's bathrooms were like pig houses.
JERRY
Am I one of those men?
ELAINE
Possibly.
JERRY
So I'm either a pig or gay. Hum... I'll take the first one. Not that there's anything wrong with the second one, it just doesn't fit well into my basic sexual preferences.
CUT TO:
INT. BUS. DAY
GEORGE IS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE BUS. TO HIS RIGHT THERE IS AN EMPTY SEAT AND AN OLD MAN NEXT TO THE WINDOW. TO HIS LEFT, A MAN IN A EXPENSIVE SUIT, A BRIEFCASE AND A BEGGAR SLEEPING. GEORGE WATCHES THE BRIEFCASE.
GEORGE (V. O.)
I wonder what's in there. Maybe it's money. I could use some money right now. (CONT.)
THE EXECUTIVE LOOKS TO GEORGE. GEORGE GIVES HIM A FAINT SMILE. THE EXECUTIVE LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Maybe it's drugs. I heard that these drug dealers are always very neat.
THE BUS STOPS. THE EXECUTIVE GETS UP AND EXITS THE BUS.
THE BUS STARTS MOVING AGAIN. GEORGE IS STARING AT THE BRIEFCASE.
GEORGE (V. O.)
He forgot his briefcase! Should I take it? Just to see what's inside, I mean. That's all. What if he left it here on purpose? Like a switch operation. What if I'm caught? I can't go to prison again! Okay. Okay. Calm down. Let's think about this. So he left his briefcase here. Hum... Well, I guess that it wouldn't kill him if I took the briefcase with me, just to see what's inside, and then return it by mail. Its address must be in there somewhere. Unless, he's really a drug dealer. In that case, I don't think he'd put his address there.
GEORGE LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW. HE SEES A BUS STOP GETTING CLOSER.
GEORGE (V. O.)
This is it!
GEORGE GETS UP AND GRABS THE BRIEFCASE CASUALLY. UNFORTUNATELY THE BRIEFCASE HAS A SMALL CHAIN ATTACHED TO THE BEGGAR'S ARM.
THE BEGGAR WAKES UP AND LOOKS TO GEORGE.
BEGGAR
Hey! Whatsa matter with you?
GEORGE
Sorry! Terribly sorry!
GEORGE EXITS THE BUS NERVOUSLY.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE STILL DISCUSSING THE BATHROOM ISSUE.
ELAINE
I mean, I went to your bathroom lots of times but I always thought that you were an exception. You expect public bathrooms to be filthy.
JERRY
No, I don't.
GEORGE ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP.
GEORGE
Hello everyone!
JERRY
Where have you been?
GEORGE
Out there, my friend.
JERRY
This new attitude of yours, is it just because of what Kramer said or is there something else?
GEORGE
I'm changing my life. Now I have a goal to accomplish.
JERRY
Having a goal to accomplish has always been your main goal for a long time.
GEORGE
Yes, but not anymore. Now I have a real goal to accomplish.
ELAINE
What is it?
GEORGE
According to what Kramer told me, I've developed a theory. A scientific theory.
JERRY
All theories are scientific. That's why they're developed by scientists. Because they're scientific.
ELAINE
What is it?
GEORGE
I don't know how to explain it in a clear way.
JERRY
So, how do you know it?
GEORGE
I don't know. I just do.
ELAINE
(TO THE WAITRESS) Can I have some more coffee, please? (TO GEORGE) Listen George, I have the landlord's number right here. If you're still interested, I mean.
GEORGE
Of course I'm still interested.
ELAINE TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE PUTS THE PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS POCKET.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS MORE COFFEE.
ELAINE
Thanks.
WAITRESS
(TO GEORGE) Can I bring you anything?
GEORGE
Yes. Let's see... (LOOKS AT THE MENU) I want a... (CONT.)
JERRY, ELAINE AND THE WAITRESS LOOK TO GEORGE EXPECTANTLY.
GEORGE (cont'd)
Tuna fish sandwich.
THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.
ELAINE
For a moment there I was almost ready for a shock.
JERRY
Me too.
GEORGE
This is only the beginning. (GETS UP) I'm gonna call him now.
GEORGE WALKS TO THE PUBLIC PHONE.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS HIS TUNA FISH SANDWICH.
AFTER A MOMENT, GEORGE RETURNS.
GEORGE
All set. I'm gonna see him tomorrow morning.
ELAINE
That's great.
JERRY
Do you think that's because of your theory?
GEORGE
(TAKES A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH) Probably.
JERRY
I could use this theory of yours.
GEORGE
Well, you just gonna have to find your own theory, 'cause I'm not telling you what mine is.
JERRY
That's because you don't know what it is either.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. DAY
KRAMER IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. HE'S NOT WEARING SHOES. HE SNORES VIOLENTLY.
THE CURTAINS ARE ALL CLOSED AND THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM A THIN SUNBEAM THAT PENETRATES THROUGH THE WINDOW, HITTING THE CARPET.
KRAMER MOVES HIS ARM AND THROWS HIS LAMP TO THE FLOOR. THE LAMP BREAKS BUT HE CONTINUES TO SLEEP.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN. DAY
WE SEE ALL THE PEOPLE WITH THEIR USUAL RUSH. AT THE SAME TIME, WE SEE GEORGE AMONG THEM, WALKING QUIETLY, OBSERVING EVERYTHING. HE'S LIKE A GRAIN OF SAND IN A VAST OCEAN, BUT HE FLOATS, IGNORING THE CHAOS SURROUNDING HIM.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS HAVING BREAKFAST, STILL ON THIS PAJAMAS. KRAMER ENTERS. HE WALKS VERY SLOWLY. EVERY STEP HE GIVES SEEMS TO BE THE MAXIMUM AGONY.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH AND TAKES HIS SNICKERS AND SOCKS OFF. HIS FEET HAVE TINY PIECES OF GLASS STUCK.
KRAMER
Someone broke my lamp. I was sleeping and when I woke up and put my feet on the floor... ouch!
JERRY
Isn't it possible that it was you who throw the lamp to the floor?
KRAMER
Well, yeah. I mean, I'm somebody, am I not?
JERRY
You sure are.
KRAMER
I'm going to the hospital this afternoon. You could call an ambulance for me.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Hey, how's George? Did he follow my advice?
JERRY
Well, I don't know what you've told him, but he sure is different now.
KRAMER
Oh well. I guess my theory works after all.
JERRY
You have a theory too? What is it?
KRAMER
It's scientific.
JERRY
I should know that. And George was your guinea pig?
KRAMER
And quite a good one, in fact.
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT. DAY
THE LANDLORD IS SHOWING THE PLACE TO GEORGE.
IT'S A TINY ATTIC. THERE IS A WINDOW ON THE TOP OF THE ROOF.
GEORGE
How much do you charge for this?
LANDLORD
Eight hundred.
GEORGE
Isn't that a little too expensive? I mean, I was told that this was a one bed-room apartment, but I was hoping to put here something more than just the bed.
LANDLORD
That's why it's so cheap.
GEORGE
What about the view?
LANDLORD
What about it?
GEORGE
I was expecting for a standard window. On the wall.
LANDLORD
I'll tell you what, you can stay here for the night. That will give you a better idea.
GEORGE
Okay.
LANDLORD
I'll leave you in peace.
GEORGE
Thank you.
THE LANDLORD LEAVES.
GEORGE LOOKS TO THE ROOF WINDOW AND SIGHS.
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
GEORGE IS LYING ON HIS BED, TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP. THE ROOM IS ILLUMINATED BY MOONLIGHT.
THE WALLS ARE SO THIN THAT HE CAN HEAR THE SNORING COMING FROM THE OTHER APARTMENTS, ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER NOISES. KIDS CRYING, DOGS BARKING, MEN SHOUTING.
GEORGE COVERS HIS HEAD WITH HIS PILLOW, BUT THE NOISE PERSISTS.
GEORGE
(SCREAMS) SHUT UP!!!
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.
ELAINE
You heard anything about Kramer?
JERRY
Yeah. He called me. He's coming back from the hospital today.
ELAINE
I just hope he's more careful next time.
JERRY
Don't forget you're talking about Kramer.
ELAINE
And?
JERRY
And he's like one of those donkeys that you put a carrot in front of his nose and he follows it everywhere.
ELAINE
Right.
JERRY
What about your landlord friend? Did he tell you anything about George?
ELAINE
No.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS.
JERRY GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT.
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
(GRUNTS) It's George.
JERRY
Come on up. (TO ELAINE) It's George.
ELAINE
George? What's he doing here?
JERRY
I don't know. Maybe he didn't like the apartment.
GEORGE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. HIS HAIR IS ALL MESSED UP AND HIS EYES CARRY THE WEIGHT OF A LONG SLEEPLESS NIGHT.
GEORGE
Hello.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
You didn't like the apartment?
GEORGE
Let's see... It was like you described it. A one bed-room, with a great view. Oh! I mustn't forget this, it had wooden walls. I just love wooden walls.
JERRY
So what's wrong with it?
GEORGE
Well, for start, the place is so small it doesn't have room for anymore furniture besides the bed, the window is on the roof and the walls are so thin you can hear people's snoring from the entire building.
ELAINE
So, what did you do?
GEORGE
I turned it down. What was I supposed to do?
ELAINE
You turned it down? How could you turned it down?
JERRY
So much for your fee.
GEORGE
What fee?
ELAINE GRINS.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING LUNCH.
JERRY
So, what're you gonna do now?
GEORGE
Well, I decided to return to my origins.
JERRY
I guess your theory didn't work after all.
GEORGE
I'm developing a new one.
KRAMER SHOWS UP AND JOINS THEM. HE'S WEARING A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.
KRAMER
Hey you guys.
JERRY
Hey! You're back! How's your feet?
KRAMER
Well, the doctor told me that I have to use this for the rest of the week and then that's it.
ELAINE
Then what?
KRAMER
I'm thinking of joining the Hindus.
JERRY
What for?
KRAMER
They have a way of walking on broken glass and hot lava without hurting the feet.
ELAINE
I don't think that's the Hindus.
GEORGE
Why do you want to learn that?
KRAMER
In case this happens again. Accidents like this are very fond of happening.
JERRY
Specially when you're involved.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Of all the things humans do, I think moving to another apartment has one of the highest rates of stupidity. Here you have this guy, he's ready to make some significant changes in his life, he's about to get married, maybe even starting a new company. What does he do? He moves to an apartment on the other side of the street. What kind of renewal is he trying to make in his life? What's gonna happen next? He buys a car, he moves to the upper floor. Then he has a son and he moves a few blocks away.
I would say that if you're moving to a new apartment then don't just move to a new apartment, move to a different town, a different state, a different country. Then you'll see what moving really is.
THE END
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell-phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835-107 Baixa da Banheira
E-mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
July 2002
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Unlike most people do, I consider stress to be a wonderful thing. And the reason for this is that I'm not part of it. I look around, I see all those people walking with their suitcases and their papers, y'know? It amazes me that they never stay too much time at the same place. They move at light speed. One minute they're here, the next... gone. Never to be seen again.
I like to find stressed people on public places cause they're always in such a rush, I don't have to wait long for a spot.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND KRAMER ENTER THE APARTMENT.
GEORGE
Look, Jerry, just because you have a girlfriend, money and a good job and your own apartment, it doesn't' mean that you're in a better position in life than me! (SHORT PAUSE) Okay! Maybe it does. But that's not the point! The point is that you have to deserve what you got and I don't think you do.
JERRY
Yeah. Like you do.
GEORGE
No, you do.
KRAMER
Why are you complaining?
GEORGE
Huh?
KRAMER
You're saying you have no girlfriend, no money, no independence... You know why?
GEORGE
No. Why?
KRAMER
Because you don't fight!
GEORGE
I'm not a violent man, Kramer.
KRAMER
No, I mean fighting for a chance, having a dream and trying to fulfill it! Go out there and exploit the world! (CONT.)
JERRY
Don't you mean, "explore" the word?
KRAMER (cont'd)
(NOT LISTENING) See the beauty in it!
JERRY
What beauty?
GEORGE
I don't know. I think I'd rather stay here.
KRAMER
That's what's keeping you away from being happy.
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
Your poor sense of adventure.
JERRY
More like his great sense of bad luck.
GEORGE IS QUIET FOR A SECOND. JERRY AND KRAMER WATCH HIM SILENTLY.
GEORGE
Okay. Okay. I think you have a point Kramer. It's time I do something with my life. Otherwise I might just...
JERRY
You might just... what?
GEORGE
Become something. I don't know... Jerry, I'm going.
JERRY
That's great.
GEORGE
I'll pick up my stuff later, okay?
JERRY
Sure. No problem. Do you have any idea where you're going?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
Well, that's gonna be quiet an adventure.
KRAMER
(WALKS TO THE DOOR) I think I'm gonna have some sleep now.
JERRY
Peasant dreams.
KRAMER EXITS.
GEORGE
Shouldn't it be "pleasant" dreams?
JERRY
I don't know. Whatever it fits better, I guess.
GEORGE
Why is he sleeping in the middle of the day? He's been doing this for the last three days.
JERRY
Insomnia, I guess. Or maybe it's one of his sleep therapies.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GOES ANSWER IT.
JERRY
Yeah?
ELAINE (V. O.)
It's Elaine.
JERRY
Come on up. (TO GEORGE) Do you have anything on your mind?
GEORGE
No, my mind is a blank right now.
JERRY
I'm talking about a place to live, not your regular brain condition.
GEORGE
I'm not sure.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
GEORGE
Hi, Elaine. (TO JERRY) I'm thinking maybe some place quiet with a good location. And a view. It has to have a view.
JERRY
All apartments have a view.
GEORGE
As long as that view is not a building.
JERRY
You're not expecting green flowered hills, are you?
ELAINE
What're you two talking about?
JERRY
George is looking for an apartment.
GEORGE
Why do you have to answer for me all the time? I'm capable of speak, y'know? (TO ELAINE) I'm looking for an apartment.
ELAINE
I know, Jerry told me.
GEORGE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
JERRY SMILES MOCKINGLY.
ELAINE
(TO GEORGE) Hey, y'know what? There's a free apartment on a building three blocks away from me.
GEORGE
Is that in downtown?
ELAINE
Yup. It's a one-bedroom apartment.
GEORGE
A one bed-room apartment? That's great!
ELAINE
Yeah, the guy that was living on the top floor moved recently. The place is very cheap cause the landlord can't find anyone. Are you interested?
GEORGE
Is it quiet?
ELAINE
Absolutely. I mean, it's in downtown, but... yes. It's like an oasis in the middle of the desert.
JERRY
A mirage is more likely.
GEORGE
What about the rent?
ELAINE
It's eight hundred dollars.
GEORGE
That's not bad.
JERRY
The lesser the better.
GEORGE
How do I get in touch with the landlord?
ELAINE
I'll give you his number.
GEORGE
Okay. (WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING) Jerry, do you have a pen?
JERRY
Check out the kitchen drawer.
GEORGE
(WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES A PEN FROM THE DRAWER) Why do you keep a pen on your kitchen drawer?
JERRY
It's as good as any other place.
GEORGE
(GRABS A PIECE OF PAPER) Alright, what's the number?
ELAINE
Are you talking to me?
GEORGE
Yes.
ELAINE
I can't give you his number right now, George.
GEORGE
What d'you mean you can't give me his number right now? I went through all this trouble just to find a pen and now you're telling me that you can't give me his number? Now, you listen to me... I want that number... now.
ELAINE
I can't.
GEORGE
Why not?
ELAINE
Cause I don't have it here with me.
GEORGE
You could've said something.
ELAINE
How was I supposed to know?
GEORGE
Fine. (WALKS TO THE DOOR) I'll see you guys later.
JERRY
Where are you going?
GEORGE
(TURNS BACK AND SMILES) To see the world, my friend! To see the world! (EXITS)
JERRY
So...
GEORGE REENTERS THE APARTMENT.
GEORGE
This is gonna be the turning point in my life!
GEORGE EXITS AGAIN. JERRY AND ELAINE WAIT A FEW SECONDS BUT THIS TIME, GEORGE DOESN'T RETURN.
JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN. ELAINE SITS ON A CHAIR.
JERRY
So, what's the deal?
ELAINE
About what?
JERRY
You know...
ELAINE
No, what?
JERRY
About the apartment...
ELAINE
(SWALLOWS) What about it?
JERRY
Come one! Do I have to spell it out?
ELAINE
You could, 'cause I have no idea what're you talking about.
JERRY
Alright. How much is the landlord paying you?
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
Come on, Elaine.
ELAINE
Thirty per cent...
JERRY
On eight hundred dollars? That's a great amount of money just to find a tenant.
ELAINE
I know. He's really desperate cause no one wants to live in an
attic these days.
JERRY
I thought you said it was a one-bedroom apartment.
ELAINE
In downtown? For eight hundred dollars? Are you crazy?
JERRY
Have you slept with him yet?
ELAINE
Jerry!
JERRY
Well?
JERRY STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. ELAINE FOLLOWS HIM.
ELAINE
Yes.
ELAINE EXITS.
JERRY
I guess he's really desperate then.
JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY IS HAVING LUNCH. ELAINE SHOWS UP AND JOINS HIM.
ELAINE
Have you seen George?
JERRY
No. He's still out there.
ELAINE
He hasn't returned in two days? Where's he sleeping?
JERRY
Wherever the world grants him with a shelter, I think.
THE WAITRESS APPROACHES THE TABLE.
WAITRESS
What will it be?
ELAINE
Just coffee, please.
THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.
JERRY EYES ELAINE INQUISITIVELY.
ELAINE
I ate a sandwich on my way here.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
Because I was hungry then, okay?
JERRY
And now you're not?
ELAINE
No! (GETS UP) I'm going to the bathroom.
ELAINE WALKS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS ELAINE'S COFFEE.
WAITRESS
Where's your friend?
JERRY
She went to the bathroom.
THE WAITRESS POURS SOME COFFEE ON ELAINE'S CUP AND LEAVES. JERRY CONTINUES EATING.
A MOMENT LATER, ELAINE RETURNS, VISIBLY UPSET WITH SOMETHING.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Nothing.
JERRY
Come on, you can tell me.
ELAINE
Can or should?
JERRY
That's up to you.
ELAINE
Forget it. This I'm not telling you.
JERRY
Are you upset?
ELAINE
Of course I'm upset!
JERRY
You see? That's one of the reasons you have to tell me.
ELAINE
Because it upset me? You find that amusing?
JERRY
Not amusing. More like useful.
ELAINE
Okay... I'd probably tell you sooner or later. I... er... I went to the men's bathroom.
JERRY
You went to the men's bathroom?!
ELAINE
(SHOOS JERRY) Be quiet!
JERRY
Is there anything about you that I'm not aware of?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Any prison time experience that you decided to keep in secrecy?
ELAINE
No!
JERRY
So why did you do it?
ELAINE
I had to. There were no other stalls available. Besides, the stench in there was beyond agonizing. And the floor... Uh! If you stayed at the same place for more than ten seconds you'd be stuck.
JERRY
Then what?
ELAINE
Well, I came out from there, I walked to the men's bathroom. I opened the door just a snag, y'know? In case something unusual was happening in there.
JERRY
What d'you mean "something unusual"?
ELAINE
I don't know. It's a men's bathroom, Jerry. People tell strange things about those places.
JERRY
People tell strange things about women's bathroom too.
ELAINE
Anyway... It was empty. So I got in, I did what I had to do and I came out of there in no time. It took less than thirty seconds.
JERRY
That's not the end of the world. You're upset only because of that?
ELAINE
Not exactly.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
It's just...
JERRY
What?!
ELAINE
Your bathroom is cleaner than ours. Much, much cleaner. Like a gay bathroom.
JERRY
You mean my bathroom or this bathroom?
ELAINE
This. But yours is clean too.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
I'm surprised as much as you. I thought men's bathrooms were like pig houses.
JERRY
Am I one of those men?
ELAINE
Possibly.
JERRY
So I'm either a pig or gay. Hum... I'll take the first one. Not that there's anything wrong with the second one, it just doesn't fit well into my basic sexual preferences.
CUT TO:
INT. BUS. DAY
GEORGE IS SITTING AT THE BACK OF THE BUS. TO HIS RIGHT THERE IS AN EMPTY SEAT AND AN OLD MAN NEXT TO THE WINDOW. TO HIS LEFT, A MAN IN A EXPENSIVE SUIT, A BRIEFCASE AND A BEGGAR SLEEPING. GEORGE WATCHES THE BRIEFCASE.
GEORGE (V. O.)
I wonder what's in there. Maybe it's money. I could use some money right now. (CONT.)
THE EXECUTIVE LOOKS TO GEORGE. GEORGE GIVES HIM A FAINT SMILE. THE EXECUTIVE LOOKS THE OTHER WAY.
GEORGE (V. O.)
Maybe it's drugs. I heard that these drug dealers are always very neat.
THE BUS STOPS. THE EXECUTIVE GETS UP AND EXITS THE BUS.
THE BUS STARTS MOVING AGAIN. GEORGE IS STARING AT THE BRIEFCASE.
GEORGE (V. O.)
He forgot his briefcase! Should I take it? Just to see what's inside, I mean. That's all. What if he left it here on purpose? Like a switch operation. What if I'm caught? I can't go to prison again! Okay. Okay. Calm down. Let's think about this. So he left his briefcase here. Hum... Well, I guess that it wouldn't kill him if I took the briefcase with me, just to see what's inside, and then return it by mail. Its address must be in there somewhere. Unless, he's really a drug dealer. In that case, I don't think he'd put his address there.
GEORGE LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW. HE SEES A BUS STOP GETTING CLOSER.
GEORGE (V. O.)
This is it!
GEORGE GETS UP AND GRABS THE BRIEFCASE CASUALLY. UNFORTUNATELY THE BRIEFCASE HAS A SMALL CHAIN ATTACHED TO THE BEGGAR'S ARM.
THE BEGGAR WAKES UP AND LOOKS TO GEORGE.
BEGGAR
Hey! Whatsa matter with you?
GEORGE
Sorry! Terribly sorry!
GEORGE EXITS THE BUS NERVOUSLY.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE STILL DISCUSSING THE BATHROOM ISSUE.
ELAINE
I mean, I went to your bathroom lots of times but I always thought that you were an exception. You expect public bathrooms to be filthy.
JERRY
No, I don't.
GEORGE ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP.
GEORGE
Hello everyone!
JERRY
Where have you been?
GEORGE
Out there, my friend.
JERRY
This new attitude of yours, is it just because of what Kramer said or is there something else?
GEORGE
I'm changing my life. Now I have a goal to accomplish.
JERRY
Having a goal to accomplish has always been your main goal for a long time.
GEORGE
Yes, but not anymore. Now I have a real goal to accomplish.
ELAINE
What is it?
GEORGE
According to what Kramer told me, I've developed a theory. A scientific theory.
JERRY
All theories are scientific. That's why they're developed by scientists. Because they're scientific.
ELAINE
What is it?
GEORGE
I don't know how to explain it in a clear way.
JERRY
So, how do you know it?
GEORGE
I don't know. I just do.
ELAINE
(TO THE WAITRESS) Can I have some more coffee, please? (TO GEORGE) Listen George, I have the landlord's number right here. If you're still interested, I mean.
GEORGE
Of course I'm still interested.
ELAINE TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HER PURSE AND GIVES IT TO GEORGE. GEORGE PUTS THE PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS POCKET.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS MORE COFFEE.
ELAINE
Thanks.
WAITRESS
(TO GEORGE) Can I bring you anything?
GEORGE
Yes. Let's see... (LOOKS AT THE MENU) I want a... (CONT.)
JERRY, ELAINE AND THE WAITRESS LOOK TO GEORGE EXPECTANTLY.
GEORGE (cont'd)
Tuna fish sandwich.
THE WAITRESS WRITES DOWN THE ORDER AND LEAVES.
ELAINE
For a moment there I was almost ready for a shock.
JERRY
Me too.
GEORGE
This is only the beginning. (GETS UP) I'm gonna call him now.
GEORGE WALKS TO THE PUBLIC PHONE.
THE WAITRESS BRINGS HIS TUNA FISH SANDWICH.
AFTER A MOMENT, GEORGE RETURNS.
GEORGE
All set. I'm gonna see him tomorrow morning.
ELAINE
That's great.
JERRY
Do you think that's because of your theory?
GEORGE
(TAKES A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH) Probably.
JERRY
I could use this theory of yours.
GEORGE
Well, you just gonna have to find your own theory, 'cause I'm not telling you what mine is.
JERRY
That's because you don't know what it is either.
CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. DAY
KRAMER IS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. HE'S NOT WEARING SHOES. HE SNORES VIOLENTLY.
THE CURTAINS ARE ALL CLOSED AND THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM A THIN SUNBEAM THAT PENETRATES THROUGH THE WINDOW, HITTING THE CARPET.
KRAMER MOVES HIS ARM AND THROWS HIS LAMP TO THE FLOOR. THE LAMP BREAKS BUT HE CONTINUES TO SLEEP.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN. DAY
WE SEE ALL THE PEOPLE WITH THEIR USUAL RUSH. AT THE SAME TIME, WE SEE GEORGE AMONG THEM, WALKING QUIETLY, OBSERVING EVERYTHING. HE'S LIKE A GRAIN OF SAND IN A VAST OCEAN, BUT HE FLOATS, IGNORING THE CHAOS SURROUNDING HIM.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY IS HAVING BREAKFAST, STILL ON THIS PAJAMAS. KRAMER ENTERS. HE WALKS VERY SLOWLY. EVERY STEP HE GIVES SEEMS TO BE THE MAXIMUM AGONY.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH AND TAKES HIS SNICKERS AND SOCKS OFF. HIS FEET HAVE TINY PIECES OF GLASS STUCK.
KRAMER
Someone broke my lamp. I was sleeping and when I woke up and put my feet on the floor... ouch!
JERRY
Isn't it possible that it was you who throw the lamp to the floor?
KRAMER
Well, yeah. I mean, I'm somebody, am I not?
JERRY
You sure are.
KRAMER
I'm going to the hospital this afternoon. You could call an ambulance for me.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Hey, how's George? Did he follow my advice?
JERRY
Well, I don't know what you've told him, but he sure is different now.
KRAMER
Oh well. I guess my theory works after all.
JERRY
You have a theory too? What is it?
KRAMER
It's scientific.
JERRY
I should know that. And George was your guinea pig?
KRAMER
And quite a good one, in fact.
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT. DAY
THE LANDLORD IS SHOWING THE PLACE TO GEORGE.
IT'S A TINY ATTIC. THERE IS A WINDOW ON THE TOP OF THE ROOF.
GEORGE
How much do you charge for this?
LANDLORD
Eight hundred.
GEORGE
Isn't that a little too expensive? I mean, I was told that this was a one bed-room apartment, but I was hoping to put here something more than just the bed.
LANDLORD
That's why it's so cheap.
GEORGE
What about the view?
LANDLORD
What about it?
GEORGE
I was expecting for a standard window. On the wall.
LANDLORD
I'll tell you what, you can stay here for the night. That will give you a better idea.
GEORGE
Okay.
LANDLORD
I'll leave you in peace.
GEORGE
Thank you.
THE LANDLORD LEAVES.
GEORGE LOOKS TO THE ROOF WINDOW AND SIGHS.
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
GEORGE IS LYING ON HIS BED, TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP. THE ROOM IS ILLUMINATED BY MOONLIGHT.
THE WALLS ARE SO THIN THAT HE CAN HEAR THE SNORING COMING FROM THE OTHER APARTMENTS, ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER NOISES. KIDS CRYING, DOGS BARKING, MEN SHOUTING.
GEORGE COVERS HIS HEAD WITH HIS PILLOW, BUT THE NOISE PERSISTS.
GEORGE
(SCREAMS) SHUT UP!!!
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.
ELAINE
You heard anything about Kramer?
JERRY
Yeah. He called me. He's coming back from the hospital today.
ELAINE
I just hope he's more careful next time.
JERRY
Don't forget you're talking about Kramer.
ELAINE
And?
JERRY
And he's like one of those donkeys that you put a carrot in front of his nose and he follows it everywhere.
ELAINE
Right.
JERRY
What about your landlord friend? Did he tell you anything about George?
ELAINE
No.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS.
JERRY GETS UP AND ANSWERS IT.
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
(GRUNTS) It's George.
JERRY
Come on up. (TO ELAINE) It's George.
ELAINE
George? What's he doing here?
JERRY
I don't know. Maybe he didn't like the apartment.
GEORGE ENTERS THE APARTMENT. HIS HAIR IS ALL MESSED UP AND HIS EYES CARRY THE WEIGHT OF A LONG SLEEPLESS NIGHT.
GEORGE
Hello.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
You didn't like the apartment?
GEORGE
Let's see... It was like you described it. A one bed-room, with a great view. Oh! I mustn't forget this, it had wooden walls. I just love wooden walls.
JERRY
So what's wrong with it?
GEORGE
Well, for start, the place is so small it doesn't have room for anymore furniture besides the bed, the window is on the roof and the walls are so thin you can hear people's snoring from the entire building.
ELAINE
So, what did you do?
GEORGE
I turned it down. What was I supposed to do?
ELAINE
You turned it down? How could you turned it down?
JERRY
So much for your fee.
GEORGE
What fee?
ELAINE GRINS.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING LUNCH.
JERRY
So, what're you gonna do now?
GEORGE
Well, I decided to return to my origins.
JERRY
I guess your theory didn't work after all.
GEORGE
I'm developing a new one.
KRAMER SHOWS UP AND JOINS THEM. HE'S WEARING A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.
KRAMER
Hey you guys.
JERRY
Hey! You're back! How's your feet?
KRAMER
Well, the doctor told me that I have to use this for the rest of the week and then that's it.
ELAINE
Then what?
KRAMER
I'm thinking of joining the Hindus.
JERRY
What for?
KRAMER
They have a way of walking on broken glass and hot lava without hurting the feet.
ELAINE
I don't think that's the Hindus.
GEORGE
Why do you want to learn that?
KRAMER
In case this happens again. Accidents like this are very fond of happening.
JERRY
Specially when you're involved.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
Of all the things humans do, I think moving to another apartment has one of the highest rates of stupidity. Here you have this guy, he's ready to make some significant changes in his life, he's about to get married, maybe even starting a new company. What does he do? He moves to an apartment on the other side of the street. What kind of renewal is he trying to make in his life? What's gonna happen next? He buys a car, he moves to the upper floor. Then he has a son and he moves a few blocks away.
I would say that if you're moving to a new apartment then don't just move to a new apartment, move to a different town, a different state, a different country. Then you'll see what moving really is.
THE END