So, this is something I wrote while going through a similar time that Clary goes through in this one-shot. I was really stressed and really confused, and writing this really helped me come to terms with it and feel much better about myself.
Warning: this contains mild girl on girl action, so if you don't like that kind of thing, this isn't for you my friend :)
Pretending was the hardest thing Clary had ever done and that was saying something. It was even harder when she didn't realise that she was pretending in the beginning.
Returning Jace's caresses, his kisses, his sweet words - it had became somewhat second nature to her now, so much so that she didn't realise how wrong each embrace had began to feel. Everything was fine between them, until he'd turn to her with those adoring eyes and try as she might, Clary couldn't feel that kind of love anymore.
It had bled out, she felt, until she was left dry and unfeeling. Until she didn't love him anymore. By the Angel, what's happening to me?
Maybe it was all the stress, the turmoil she'd been through finally breaking her down. But no, this was different. Something else.
It was that day in the training room that she started to sense that something else. Something that was outlined beautifully against the sunlit window, something that was powerful, strong and stunningly brilliant.
"Clary? You need something?" She froze, shook her head quickly and left. It was like when she'd first got the Sight, and only when she'd let herself believe had she been able to see. Clary was letting herself become curious, and in turn, that something else had started its torment.
She couldn't sleep that night, especially in the arms of the man that she should've loved but didn't. Clary couldn't get the taunting images out of her head, and each one screamed a new meaning at her, something she didn't want to understand.
Soft curves, agile and fierce, raven hair…
Long raven hair.
She couldn't bring herself to throw away the sketches that she'd started to create, late at night, when she was most vulnerable, most confused. There was an ache in her heart, and somehow Clary knew that this was the only way to satisfy it without ruining everything.
She'd draw dark eyes framed by long black lashes, and something within her yearned. Her hands would begin to tremble as a certain face began to take shape over the course of nights, gazing back at her serenely from the paper.
The guilty collection was growing from under the bed, tucked safely under her old hoodie. Leaving them out in the open was unthinkable. Because Clary was starting to realise what they meant, and this fragile revelation would surely shatter if everyone knew.
What would happen if everyone knew? What would Jace think? He would forgive her, love her, of course he would-
You know what Jace is like when his heart is broken. This would destroy him.
And yet Clary couldn't stop that delicious thrill from overcoming her at these new thoughts and feelings, not even for him. It was unstoppable once it had started, and she'd wake abruptly sometimes, sweating and breathing hard in the darkness. Her heart pounded and Clary felt goosebumps run along her body, seemingly when she remembered what she'd been dreaming about.
It was dark, always dark, and she was terrified. But then she felt a gentle, delicate hand tuck one of her curls behind her ear and she instantly stilled; expectant, tense. Hopeful.
Clary's lips parted instinctively when she felt someone lean forward, mere centimetres away from her. She felt their breath on her face, heard as they sighed - sounding as nervous as she felt and yet there was an underlying hopefulness in that sigh. Clary gasped as soft lips met with hers, and she tasted cherry lipstick.
One second, two-
That was how it ended and Clary was left wanting more. She wanted to feel their impossibly gentle touch, hear their intakes of breath that matched her own. She yearned to savour that taste of cherry again.
Someday…
Never.
"Clary! Clary, I need you…"
The redhead jolted awake, alarmed by a voice calling for her outside her bedroom.
"Look, are you decent? It's kind of important!"
Izzy.
Clary blanched. Her eyes instantly went to her desk, and upon seeing that one sheet of sketch paper, her mind went into overdrive.
She'd been getting carried away ever since Jace had gone to Idris with Simon and Alec for another meeting. She'd been staying up later, drawing, thinking, forgetting to hide her secret. Becoming careless.
"Just a sec, Iz!" Clary dashed over, picking up the drawing - lips, shaded to every fine detail, intimate - and stuffing it under her hoodie just as the dark-haired shadowhunter burst through the door.
"Thank the Angel, Clary! I need you to see if you can draw a rune for me…" Isabelle petered off, eyeing Clary uncertainly. "Um, Clary?"
"Wha- yes?" Clary shook her head quickly but she was unable to stop staring. "Izzy, you look different."
"Huh? Oh crap, I forgot to put makeup on, didn't I?" Isabelle groaned, a hint of blush in her cheeks, "I must look like a wreck, don't I?"
Clary smiled, "No… it's nice."
"Oh stop it, Clary." Izzy laughed, "If I look like a scarecrow, it's your job as my best friend to let me know." Best friend.
"You look fine, honestly." Her smile was starting to hurt. "What did you want, by the way?"
"A rune, nothing special really." Izzy was looking at her hopefully, clasping her hands together almost in prayer. Clary couldn't handle it.
"I think I've misplaced my stele, Izzy. I'll come find you later if-"
"I'll help you look for it!" Isabelle was immediately searching her bedroom, rummaging through her desk, bookshelves, her bed, crouching to look underneath-
"Isabelle, wait-" Clary started to run over but she caught sight of the papers in Izzy's hands, saw her curious dark eyes skim the content.
"Wow, Clary I'm flattered." She chuckled, taking a look at each one, each secret, while the redhead stood across from her, face as red as her hair. "If you needed a muse you should've just asked me."
"I, um…"
Then Izzy saw the most recent one, the detailed mouth, and froze. Carefully, she ran her finger over the sketch and then instinctively brushed her own lip. Clary watched her swallow and a giddy feeling rose in her stomach as Izzy's pale cheeks bloomed a dusty pink.
"Clary…"
She couldn't answer. Her hands were shaking and Clary felt like the world had skidded to a halt and it was just her and Izzy, alone and together.
Slowly, she looked up, and those dark eyes Clary had spent weeks dreaming about, gazed at her. "You don't… you couldn't…" her voice was barely a whisper as she said, "What about Jace?"
"I… I don't know." Clary bit her lip. "I just, I don't know what's wrong with me, Izzy. It's-"
"There's nothing wrong with you." Isabelle interrupted abruptly, her eyes blazing. "Don't ever say that, Clary. You're amazing."
She blushed, stammering beneath Izzy's intense stare. "It's just that I don't know what this is, and I definitely don't expect anything at all-"
"Why not?"
The redhead shook her head frantically, "Because you're with Simon and I'm… with Jace." She finished lamely.
Izzy put the drawings carefully on the bed and then walked right up to Clary until she was directly in front of her. She was so close, Clary could see the cluster of moles dusting her collarbone. She imagined them all over her body and how they would connect like some kind of constellation. The thought made her blush harder.
"What do you want, Clary?"
Her mouth felt dry. "I…" You.
Izzy smiled at her, but instead of the gentle, friendly smiles Clary usually got, this one was mischievous and positively wicked. "Speak up, Little Red."
Oh fuck. She hadn't felt like this in a long time. This being wanting to jump someone's bones.
"Stop teasing, Iz." She said breathlessly. "It's not fair."
Isabelle laughed quietly, but it sounded shaky. Clary wasn't the only one nervous and wanting at the same time then.
"Life isn't fair." She declared and then before Clary could think, she'd pulled the straps of her top and Izzy was kissing her and her lips were so soft and tasted like something sweet and Clary's head was spinning and she thought she was about to faint and Izzy felt so wonderful against her, all soft curves and rounded hips that grounded against her own, and she was so warm and Clary felt as she deepened the kiss, her tongue hungrily licking at the seam of her lips-
Clary gasped, breaking away at last, barely able to breathe. Izzy was bright pink, her hair slightly mussed. Both girls stared at each other, silent and both aching for more.
Clary cleared her throat, "Whoa, that was…"
"Unexpected?" Izzy's smile was breathless and beautiful. "I had to. You were looking at me like… well, like I was…" she stopped. They both knew what she'd been about to say.
"We can't do this, can we?" Clary broke the silence. "Not without hurting anyone."
Isabelle lowered her head, her dark hair falling in front of her face like a curtain. "No."
Nothing happened, until Clary suddenly said, "What rune did you want?"
She looked up, momentarily confused. Clary's heart nearly broke to see Izzy's eyes were tinged red, glistening. "Huh?"
"The rune. The one you came in here for."
"Oh. That." Isabelle swallowed, "It was… it was a rune to show…" she looked at the floor, "To show who I desired the most."
By the Angel.
"But - Simon?"
"Something was wrong." Izzy still wouldn't look at her. "I didn't know what, for sure, until…"
Clary wanted to walk over to her and hold her in her arms. But they couldn't.
"Oh, Iz." She was crying now, the tears running down her face like rain.
Without a word, Isabelle turned and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Clary crumpled to the floor and wept.