Strange tales 2: I said no salt
Didn't you hear the news? Here's a firsthand report from our journalist who witnessed the impossible:
" Thanks Jill. Greetings, earlier today I was out shopping when i noticed a dude who was found shriveled up near Pizza Hut. Looking at the camcorder, i saw that he had he ordered a Deep Dish combo, then fell to the ground after taking a bite. The cashier swears that she heard what sounded like suction cups being released and glanced at the corpse which started to shrink. And i mean shrink, as in he lost 30 pounds due to sheer pain alone. He gasped for air and no amount of water could revive him. All his salt was sucked dry. Oh god he's trying to get up, his skin's rotting away...is he bleeding pepperoni? My god his blood has been replaced with cheese...Jack cheese. His eyes are now anchovies.
I've got to tell someone. Move damnit, i need the payphone.
... Come on!
... Answer Dammit!
...Yes hello, connect me to- damn cell reception
LEAVE THE DAMN PHONE ALONE!
(Elevator Musak)
(waiting)
"Hello?"
"Hello, 911, there's a man getting turned into a pizza. No it's not a lie. did i take a bite? what the hell is wrong with you, hang on sir... helps on the way- yes his legs have been replaced by bread sticks."
"sir we do not take crank calls, please hang up"
"would you believe me if i said his penis fell off and he grew sausage in it's place?"
"SIR!"
"woman, i am serious, he's losing his manhood, his blood and compressing into a triangle! His name is Reggie"
(Screaming on the other line as the 911 operator has a heart attack)
"Reggie? Honey, i'm coming!
"M'aam calm down, i'm sure reggie is fiiiiohfuck!"
Reggie: "Have a slice"
"Get me the fuck out of here!"
Reggie: "I even bought Ranch dressing"
"I'm allergic to ranch"
Reggie: "Eat mee"
"fuck no!"
Reggie: "please?"
"no!"
Reggie: "PLEASE!"
"NO! I refuse to eat you...without Tums or Pepto Bismo"
Reggie: "Here"
The Journalist is fine, traumatized, but fine. The pizza person was nowhere to be found, locals last saw the cashier picking up the poor bastard and eating it. Reggie is still alive...and fully concious
Poor Bastard