Author's Note: Enjoy!
Disclaimer: The following characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and this story derives from her original works, storylines, and world. Please do not sue me, I can barely pay tuition.
Hogwarts: Psychology Task #4: Write about someone taking in a moment, doing everything they can to fix it in their memory.
Warnings: Torture (canon compliant), homophobic slurs, canon blood purity related discrimination, consensual memory modification.
Stacked with: Summer Bingo; Shipping War; MC4A; Flouting Regulations; Sky's the Limit; Eternal Rhapsody; Hogwarts
Individual Challenge(s): Gryffindor MC (x2); Rainbow Focus; Seeds; Golden Times; Trope it Up A (Best Friends to Lovers); Trope it Up C (Secret Relationship); Themes and Things A (Secrets); Themes and Things B (Protection); Ethnic and Present; Short Jog; Yellow Ribbon; Yellow Ribbon Redux; Flags and Ribbons
Representation(s): Boom Boys
Bonus challenge(s): Unicorn; Second Verse (Tomorrow's Shade); Chorus (Pear-Shaped)
Tertiary bonus challenge(s): Satisfaction
Word count: 2041
Summer Bingo entry information:
Space Address: 3C
Prompt: Gray
Shipping War
Ship (Team): Dean Thomas/Seamus Finnigan (Boom Boys)
List (Prompt): Summer Medium 1 (Bittersweet)
Memories Not Needed
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad.
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Want to feel your warmth upon me
I want to be the one
-I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan
Now
Neville touched his shoulder gently.
"Seamus," Neville said quietly. "Seamus, it's pretty late. Why don't you come upstairs with me?"
"I'm not tired," Seamus said.
"Can you come try to lie down, at least?" Neville said. "There's only two of us in the room. I know you didn't sleep so much last night either."
Seamus shook his head. "I'm fine, it's just… this essay…"
"Oh come off it, Seamus, you don't give a rat's ass about Defence Against the Dark Arts, nobody does," Neville said. "Not with Carrow teaching…"
"Well I have to do something," Seamus said, throwing down his quill. He buried his heads in his hands. "I'm sorry, Neville, you didn't deserve that."
"Tell me what's wrong," Neville said, sitting next to him.
"I don't know," Seamus said. His lip quivered. "I just… I know this is an awful year to be at Hogwarts. And I know there's so much more happening, so many worst things happening to other people…"
"There's no competition," Neville said softly. "What's going on?"
"I just feel… I feel wrong, Neville. Like the whole world's gone grey. Sometimes I wake up and I'm in a fog and it lasts all day and I'm confused and something's missing but I don't… Nothing's missing. None of the colours, nobody, nothing," Seamus said. "It's just me."
"Don't say that," Neville said.
"No, it is," Seamus said. "Something's wrong with me, I shouldn't feel this… this…"
Neville wrapped him in a hug and Seamus relaxed instantly. He hadn't realised quite how touch-starved he was, but took a deep and soothing breath in Neville's arms.
"It'll make sense later," Neville said. "I promise."
"What do you mean?" Seamus asked.
Neville sat down next to him.
"Once they've done off with You-Know-Who and things go back to normal, it'll be better," Neville said. "We'll all be better. I promise."
Before
Seamus shut his eyes just as the Carrows' spell made contact with his jaw.
"Tell us," the sister said. "Tell us where he is."
"I don't know," Seamus said.
It pained him, but it was the truth. He and Dean had decided that it would be better that way. Then, if the Carrows slipped him a dose of Veritaserum or sent one too many cruciatus curses his way, he would honestly have no idea. So while he had an outline of what Dean's plans had been, where he'd thought of going to stay safe… Seamus wasn't technically lying.
It was disorienting, not to know where the most important person in his world was. Dean's mom had called them shadows so often, chuckling under her breath as she watched them go on summer days when they visited one another. Wandering the world without Dean nearby felt just as awful as being split from his shadow. He had felt like a stranger riding without him in the Hogwarts Express, even if Neville had made the effort to come find him. He'd known exactly what the Aurors (or Death Eaters, as it were) patrolling the school were after, when they picked him up at the train station and whisked him away because… well, it was obvious. If someone ought to know, it would be Seamus.
And there he was, tied to a chair in what had once been Dumbledore's office. Many of the portraits, the old headmaster included, had fled their frames.
"Are you sure about that?" the brother asked, taking Seamus' face in his hand and turning it roughly.
"Yes," Seamus said. "I don't know where he is."
"But he's on the run?"
"I was hoping to see him on the train."
Again, not technically a lie.
Carrow's fingers on his face tightened and Seamus did his best not to wince.
"You've got no reason to cover for him," Carrow hissed at him. His wand pressed into Seamus' arm and the tip glowed red-hot. Seamus did his best not to wince. "He's a runaway. He's a magic thief. He's a queer, but then again so are you, isn't that the truth?"
Seamus didn't answer, but had to close his eyes to help block out the pain in his arm.
"Is that what this is about?" Carrow asked. His sister cackled in the background. "Is this about protecting your little boyfriend?"
Alecto Carrow spoke up then.
"Open your eyes. You should be ashamed of yourself for showing such weakness. Nothing could make you more of a little faggot."
"Darling, you should see me in a crown," Seamus said.
The spell hit again, and Amycus Carrow let go of him roughly.
"We'll get the truth out of you," his sister said. "We have a whole year to break you."
"Good fucking luck," Seamus said.
The brother shot another spell his way, and Seamus barely managed to swallow a yelp.
"In the future, you will show my sister respect," Carrow said.
"Does this mean we're done here?" Seamus asked.
"Bloody hell," Neville said when Seamus made his way back to their dormitory room. It was quite exclusively 'their' dormitory, because they were the only two of their cohort left in it now. "What did they do to you?"
"They're looking for Dean," Seamus said. His heart was beating in his throat.
"Merlin," Neville sighed.
"Neville, I need a favour," Seamus said. "A big favour. I wouldn't ask you if—if—"
"Calm down mate," Neville said. "Sit down, I'll get you a glass of water, take a second…"
"No," Seamus said. "I don't want to lose my nerve."
"Alright," Neville said. "Alright, I'm listening."
"I need you to take my memories of Dean," Seamus said, closing his eyes as he spat it out, not quite believing himself as he said it.
"Excuse me?" Neville sputtered.
"The Carrows are going to keep coming after me," Seamus said. "I don't know where Dean is, really I don't, but I know what his vague plan was, what equipment he has with him, where his family has moved to, and so, so many things about him that might… If I were to betray him, Neville, you know I'd never forgive myself."
"You wouldn't."
"I might in a thousand ways, even without meaning to or realising it," Seamus said. "The… the cruciatus curse… I'm sorry, I don't need to tell you anything about that."
"No, you're right," Neville sighed. "Let's… I've never obliviated anybody before, and I'm not going to start with you."
"Neville, it's urgent…"
"Look, give me until morning, okay? I'll think of something."
Seamus nodded. "I don't think they'll come back for me before then."
"Okay," Neville said, clamping his shoulder. "In that case let's get you cleaned up."
"I can take care of it," Seamus said, getting up and grabbing his toiletry kit. "Goodnight Neville."
"Goodnight, mate."
Neville sounded nervous.
Neville sent a message through the old DA galleons for Seamus to meet him just outside the Owlery, about half-an-hour before curfew. Luna Lovegood was there, her hair twisted up into a bun held together by several kinds of string and twine.
"Good evening Seamus," Luna said. "Now that I know it's you, this all makes more sense to me."
"Luna?" Seamus asked, looking at Neville.
"She's wicked good at Charms," he said. "And her attention to detail is astounding."
"I haven't ever obliviated anybody before, so you're right to be a bit worried," Luna said. "But I don't think it's exactly the kind of spell people practise much…"
"Fair point," Seamus said. He swallowed. "Alright, Luna. You should start quickly, before we're seen."
"What did you want me to take?" Luna asked.
"Everything," Seamus said. "Everything about Dean. I want to know he used to go here, and that's it. I don't even want to know what his last name is, what bed he had in our dorm, what his favourite breakfast was—nothing like that."
"That's a bit extreme," Luna worried.
"I would do so much more for him."
"She has a point," Neville said. "Won't you… won't you want to hold onto something?"
"No. I can't risk it," Seamus said. "And I can love him without knowing why. The feeling will stick. I don't need my memories for that, he's… he's Dean. Look, I can't explain it, you just have to do this for me."
"I'll do my best to make sure that there's a trigger in place to undo the spell—that your memories will come back at the right time," Luna said. "But I need you to know that it's possible that it doesn't work. And then those memories are gone."
"I rather lose him than have him killed," Seamus said. "Luna, I appreciate what you're doing for me and I appreciate your honesty. But I just need you to take it all. Just in case."
Luna nodded, then drew her wand.
"I think it'll be easier for me if you're thinking of Dean while I try this," she said.
Seamus gulped.
"I can do that," he said.
All those moments he'd spent time trying to memorize or etching into his mind… all that for nothing, apparently.
She pointed the wand right between his eyes.
"Neville," she warned. "Be ready to catch him in case he falls."
After
Seamus knew he must still look like hell, despite Hannah Abbott's knack for soothing spells. At the moment though, he didn't care too much about the shape the Carrows had left his face in. Even if Harry, Ron, and Hermione were being cryptic about where they'd been and what they'd come to Hogwarts for, seeing them again put a rush of energy through Seamus. The grey veil that had been shrouding him lifted, somewhat.
That was when Arianna's portrait swivelled, and Seamus realised just how much light and colour had been missing from the world as it all flooded back. Because there was Luna and there was…
Dean.
He remembered Dean.
He remembered so, so much of Dean. So much more than he could see in that moment, looking at the weary-looking man in the green jumper, though the sight of him then, after so long, was so beautiful that Seamus could have looked forever.
He remembered the zombie movies that he was addicted to, and which ones he couldn't sleep alone after watching. The way he shredded pieces of notebook paper to use as bookmarks, scattering them through his textbooks. There were hair products that Seamus didn't understand but could identify by smell. Dean's breakfast pickiness and the ways that certain types of eggs had to be eaten on toast while others never should came back. There were sweaters that had to be worn for luck during playoffs, and so many football players who'd played for West Ham United whose statistics were memorized by heart. One of his hip bones protruded more than the other, Dean's right earlobe was more sensitive than the left, and he was ambidextrous.
Dean came back to him in details. A hundred, thousand little details that formed this man that Seamus couldn't believe he'd once forgotten. He hoarded every new sight, smell, memory, sound, sensation, and taste as they came back to him in that moment. Staring at Dean in the tunnel's entry, he memorized his face and filed absolutely everything away in a place where it could never be taken. Because it wouldn't have to. Never again.
He knew he made some kind of noise when he saw Dean, a shout maybe, before running to him across the room.
Dean stumbled back, but Seamus didn't care. He buried his nose in Dean's chest and, well—the smell was a little different since he'd been living Merlin knew where and washing with who knew what soap. He'd lost weight, too. But that was hardly a problem, especially when Dean wrapped his arms around him. One of his hands rested on the small of Seamus' back, the other on the back of his neck.
And so Dean remembered too…
Seamus took a long, shaky breath and his fingers wound themselves in Dean's shirt.
"I had an awful time being without you," Dean whispered in his ear.
"So did I," Seamus said, finally looking up and kissing him softly.
And in that moment, Seamus swore to himself that it would never happen again.