J
RedwalgrlRG: Thank you for coming to read one of my non-romantic fanfictions! Usually they all have romance in them, but this one is a one-shot humor fic. No romance in sight (unless you look hard for it, of course).
RATING: PG-13 for language
GENRE(S): Humor
OUT OF CHARACTERNESS: Of course
ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: None
PAIRINGS: None
CHARACTERS: Zolf J. Kimbley, Greed, Marta, Law, Dorochette, Biddo
SUMMARY: After escaping Lab 5 and Prison 2, Greed's new subordinates began speculating about the insane alchemist. And all this inevitably leads to an argument about Zolf Kimbley's middle initial. Just what does that J stand for?
RG: Now read and review! 3
Devil's Nest was oddly quiet. Well of course it was; it wasn't even noon yet. Which inevitably meant that the Homunculus Greed, their leader, wasn't awake yet. The crazy, explosive alchemist Kimbley wasn't up yet either, though none of the chimeras really cared.
"Don't you think it's a little strange that Greed-sama decided to take him in with us?" Marta, the snake-chimera and only female in the group, tilted her head with a frown.
Law, the large ox chimera, shook his head stiffly. "We have no reason to believe that he's done anything wrong. Greed-sama is our boss, we obey him without question."
"Yeah, I guess." Marta wasn't all that thrilled with his response though. She wanted to know more about that alchemist. She'd heard rumors about him during her last years in Ishbal.
Dorochette, the dog chimera and loyal swordsman, shifted slightly in his seat. "He's a strange character, Kimbley." One thing was certain, they all called each other by last name. In fact, the chimeras had never even bothered to reveal their first names. It just wasn't something that they could force themselves to do. They didn't want to be reminded of the past. It was just the here and now.
The final chimera, perched on the table and twitching almost uncontrollably, laughed hysterically for no apparent reason. "He's a nutcase, that one! But he makes things go boom! Boom boom boom!" He cheered happily before falling over, catching himself on his skin-colored tail.
"Just shut up, Biddo." Marta shook her head and sighed. She'd never understand him. If there was any of the chimeras that were insane, it had to be Biddo, the lizard chimera. "Still… I can't help but wonder about Greed-sama's decision to—"
"To what, Marta-chan?" She was cut off by a tall male, known only to them as Greed. He was the one who freed them from Lab 5, where he had apparently been imprisoned for years as well. He walked over and booted Dorochette off his couch and kicked his feet up on the table where Biddo had been sitting moments before. "You doubt me?"
Marta flushed slightly. "Oh, no, sir. I was just…"
Greed sighed, pulling a lighter out of his pocket and fiddling with it. "Kimbley, isn't it?" It had to be.
"Yes, sir." Marta dropped her gaze and found herself fidgeting under his violet-eyed gaze.
Law, who had departed to the kitchen the moment Greed appeared, returned with a pack of cigarettes, holding them out to their boss. "Marta-chan was just wondering about why you chose to take him with us."
Way to tell him everything, numbskull! Marta's blush deepened and she seriously began to regret having her hair cut short. She had no way to hide the blush, and she knew Greed would tease her mercilessly about it.
"That it?" Greed asked, lighting one of the cigarettes before handing the pack to Dorochette. Leaning forward and kicking his feet off the table, Greed smirked. "Something bothering you, Marta?"
"Don't…" She started, hating it when he dropped the more formal 'Marta-chan'.
Greed went back to his original position with a laugh, exhaling smoke. "Don't worry about it. I trust him. He might not exactly be sane, but he's going to be an excellent addition to our little team."
Dorochette frowned at the cigarettes before resting them on the table near Greed's feet, retrieving his pipe from the folds of his shirt, holding it out for a light.
Flicking the lighter open, Greed lit the pipe and returned to addressing Marta. "So I heard he was in that war. I never did hear much about it. Care to elaborate?"
Not really. But she didn't really have a choice, did she? Greed was incredibly curious for someone as lazy and unmotivated as he seemed to be. "Well… it was a war started between us and Ishbal. I don't know why it started, but we…" She gestured to herself, Law, and Dorochette, "…Were all members of the Special Ops. Team. We were all injured in the latter years of the war." She nodded slightly. "Fuhrer Bradley called for the State Alchemists to come in before then. Kimbley, the Crimson Alchemist, was well known for his… explosive abilities."
Nodding, Dorochette picked up, "He was one of the 'Heroes of Ishbal.' Or at least, that's what we heard while we were cooped up in that damn lab." He shrugged and took another drag of his pipe slowly. "But his lust for power was what got him imprisoned. Don't know why, though. Never did mention that."
Greed nodded thoughtfully. "So he really is powerful. Thought so." Those tattoos were a good indication.
Biddo jumped back up on the table, lying his tail across Greed's feet and questioning, "So then… why do we need him? Just to make things go boom?"
"Good question, my scary little friend." Greed blew out more smoke before reaching over and patting Biddo on the head much like one would a dog. "I'm after immortality, as you all know. Immortality, and revenge on the bastard that stuck me in that damn lab." He leaned back and closed his eyes momentarily.
Law nodded, recalling Greed's words from when they had first entered the bar. "We live to serve, sir."
"Thank you, Law-kun." Greed slid his sunglasses out of his pocket and placed them on his nose, looking around at the chimeras attentively. "Any more questions?"
Seeing as how he was about to leave, a question that had been plaguing Dorochette suddenly popped unbidden from his lips. "What's the J stand for?"
"J?" Greed repeated, frowning. "What J?"
"In his name. You know, Zolf J Kimbley?" Dorochette mimicked Greed's frown and blew smoke from his mouth.
Good question. Though Marta wouldn't admit that out loud. "Maybe if we knew more about him, then we could trust him more."
"You're the only one that doesn't trust him, Marta-chan!" Biddo laughed before coming up with a solution. "The J has to stand for Jellybean!"
He received four odd looks from his companions before Law ventured a suggestion. "Jacob?"
"That's too normal." Greed shook his head with a sigh. "Josephine?"
"That's a girl's name." Marta sighed, making a face. Leave it to Greed to get names and genders confused.
"Well, he looks like a girl." Greed snorted, putting out the cigarette in the ash tray and getting up. "What about… Jenn?" He pulled several beer bottles from underneath the counter, tossing them to each of his minions in turn.
"Still a girl's name." Marta sighed again as she caught her bottle. "Okay, what about Joseph?"
"Or Joe?" Dorochette suggested, missing his bottle and yelping as it shattered against the wood floor. "Sorry, sorry!" He exclaimed, jolting up and out of the room to return with a mop and a broom.
Greed didn't seem to care as he returned to the couch, propping his feet back up and taking a swig from the bottle. "John?"
"Maybe." Law frowned, breaking the cap off his own bottle and taking a small sip. "Or Johnathan."
"What other J names are there?" Biddo asked, using his tail as a third hand to undo the cap on his own bottle.
Realizing his horrid mistake of letting Biddo have an alcoholic beverage, Greed snatched it away and hid it under the couch. "Well… Jessica?"
"No." They all replied in unison.
"Maybe Jesse, though." Dorochette mumbled as he finished cleaning up the mess.
Zolf Jesse Kimbley. Marta snickered at the thought. "No, I'm seriously thinking that it can't be something like that. Think about it, his name is really weird. So his parents would have given him a weird middle name too…"
They were all silent for several long minutes, trying to come up with a decent idea. It wasn't working.
Speaking of which, the object of their conversation descended the stairs, grabbing a beer bottle and opening it, draining half of it with one gulp. His golden eyes scanned the group for a moment. "Why the hell are you all staring at me?" He snapped irritably, slamming the bottle back down on the counter.
"Good morning to you, my little alchemist." Greed snickered standing up and walking over, just to prove that he was indeed taller than the alchemist. A few inches separated their heights, which bothered the alchemist to no end.
"Shut the hell up, bastard." Kimbley retorted, walking over to the abandoned couch and sitting down, glaring around at the chimeras. It wasn't unknown that he hated them. "Well, animals, what's the topic of conversation today?"
Like always, all of them except Biddo took offense. He was the one who answered, "Just wondering about a certain letter J."
For a moment, Kimbley's eyes widened in something close to fear. "Like hell I'll tell you that!" He snapped a little too quickly, jumping up and starting towards the stairs.
Still snickering, Greed came up behind him and managed to grab the alchemist by the ponytail. "No, no, no, that would ruin all of our speculations! Come, join us." He pushed Kimbley down on the couch and sat beside him, keeping an arm around the alchemist's shoulders in a 'friendly' gesture.
"Let go of me!" Kimbley struggled against him for a moment before remembering his tattoos. Pressing both hands together and then against Greed's side, he compressed and quickly decompressed the Homunculus' elements. "Bastard!" He sneered, rubbing blood from his face and quickly escaping the scene before the chimeras could jump to action.
"Y-You bastard!" Marta screamed, up on her feet and after him within seconds. "How the hell could you?! You just killed him! He was our boss…!"
Biddo pointed at Greed's regenerating body in horror. "Wh-what…?!!"
"I figured out his name." Greed snapped his neck back into place and stated simply. "J is for Jackass."
RG: snort So there you go. Please review. And no, this is just a one-shot. There will be no 'chapter two.'
((Author's Notes: I originally wanted to 'reveal' his name, but I think I'll save that for another time. 3))