A/N: For my Twelve Days of Christmas Style Challenge (3 crack fics, 1/3)
Vernon doesn't want the witch in his house. It would take only one look at the outrageous amount of pink this Umbridge woman wears for the neighbors to realize that she's not quite right.
But there it is. A common problem. "Trouble with your nephew," she announces grimly, looking at him as though daring him to defend the boy.
Vernon laughs. "Been trying to figure out how to deal with him since he showed up on our doorstep," he assures her quickly. "Tea?"
"Milk and sugar, please, dear."
OoOoO
They talk over tea, and Vernon finds himself thinking that this woman might not be so bad. She hates the boy just as much as he does, and her lack of sympathy mirrors his own.
"Nasty," she declares, sipping from her cup.
"Not enough sugar?"
"I meant Potter."
"Right."
OoOoO
Vernon feels embarrassed when Petunia returns home, finding him still lost in conversation with the pink toad-faced woman.
"We were just discussing Harry," he assures his wife, kissing her cheek like he has something to prove.
Petunia purses her lips, but she just nods, eying their visitor with distaste. "I'll start dinner," she says. "Will you be joining us?"
"No, dear. Hogwarts calls," the other woman says, rising to her feet, oblivious to Petunia's sharp intake of breath.
OoOoO
Vernon is reluctant to show her to the door. "Can I see you again?" he asks, feeling like a silly teenager at the end of a date.
"Oh, I'm sure your nephew will give me more reason to call," she says, taking his hand in hers before letting go and disappearing into the night.
Vernon watches her go, unable to explain the sudden emptiness inside him.