Title: The X-files: Of Extraterrestrials and Men
Author: Verbie, the Zero Wing worshipper! Heehee, for great justice!!!
Disclaimer: The X-files does not belong to me. NIH!
Summary: I hope that if there is INDEED a second movie, it's not like this. @_@;;
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Chapter 1: Colonization has begun!
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Someplace up north
3:14 PM
[Lots of snow. A man in a coat is walking through a forest. He makes his way to a cabin and knocks on the door.]
MAN INSIDE CABIN: Go away! For the billionth time, I'm not a Morley's distributor!
MAN IN COAT: It's not about the Morley's! I'm getting frostbite and I'm going to freeze to death out here! PLEASE let me in!!
MAN INSIDE CABIN: (exhales deeply) Fine.
[The door opens, and the man inside the cabin is revealed to be... um... er... uhhh... CONAN O BRIAN! Dun, dun, dun! Big celebrity appearance #1!]
MAN IN COAT: Oh, thank you so much.
[The man in the coat walks in and Conan shuts the door behind him. The man takes off his coat and is revealed to be... CSM! Dun, dun, dun! Big surprise, huh?]
CSM: Ahhh... (sits by the fireplace) Warmth! Finally!
CONAN: What are you doing here, Cancer man?
CSM: Shut up, nobody ever calls me that anymore. Now they call me... CJB Spender!
CONAN: (sighs) What are you doing here, "CJB Spender"?
CSM: You'll soon find out... you'll soon find out.
CONAN: What do you want?
CSM: Well... you have any weed on you?
CONAN: No! I stopped using drugs a LONG time ago!
CSM: Oh well. Drugs aren't my thing, anyway. I live for Morley's, though. I haven't had one in such a long time... it's killing me, I tell yah.
CONAN: No, actually, it's probably saving your life.
CSM: (shrugs)
CONAN: So tell me, what do you REALLY want?
CSM: Well, um... colonization has begun.
CONAN: What? Again?
CSM: Yeah. The aliens are taking over.
CONAN: So what can I do about it?
CSM: I'm hiring you to keep Mulder out of this.
CONAN: But what threat does HE hold?
CSM: Um... he holds the cure.
CONAN: The cure to what?!
CSM: Uh... the, uh, the virus.
CONAN: What virus?
CSM: There's um, there's a virus. An alien virus that will kill lots of people.
CONAN: Okay... and... Mulder has the cure?
CSM: You heard what I said.
CONAN: Okay... so... I have to exterminate him?
CSM: No, exterminate his partner, Agent Scully.
CONAN: Okay... but why?
CSM: Um... I, uh... um... because she... holds the answer... to, um... the... thing...
CONAN: (sighs) Alright, I'll kill BOTH of them then, okay?
CSM: Kill Agent Reyes, too.
CONAN: ...Why?
CSM: Just for laughs.
CONAN: (sighs) Fine.
CSM: (gets up and walks to the door) Remember. One man alone cannot fight the future.
CONAN: But there's not just one man... there's two...
CSM: Agent Scully is not a man! I should know, I raped he- um... bye. (leaves)
[Close-up of Conan's face. He looks troubled.]
---
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Washington, D.C.
[Agent Doggett is sitting at his desk sorting through papers and stuff. The phone rings.]
DOGGETT: (picking it up) Yello?
SCULLY: Hey Doggett, where's Mulder?
DOGGETT: (sighs) He don't work here anymore, Agent Scully.
SCULLY: Yeah, but I know he's there. Where IS he? He said he'd be over here an hour ago.
DOGGETT: I really can't tell yah, Agent Scully.
SCULLY: (sighs) Oh well... Samantha hates him anyway.
DOGGETT: So how's little Sam doing?
SCULLY: Ugh, she's a pain in the ass. This mother stuff really sucks.
DOGGETT: But you're glad that you finally got a kid now, right?
SCULLY: Yeah, but I HATE BABIES. Why can't Samantha be growned upper, like Emily was?
DOGGETT: (laughs) She will be, Agent Scully. Well, gotta finish this report. C-ya. (hangs up the phone)
[Mulder walks into the room.]
DOGGETT: Oh, Muldah, Scully's looking for you.
MULDER: Don't have time for that bitch.
DOGGETT: What?!
MULDER: Oh hey, don't get mad at ME! I was abducted and now I'm like, having trouble dealing with it all and stuff. So that gives me the right to be a total jerk.
DOGGETT: (shrugs)
MULDER: Ha ha, ha ha. Ha. Kinda funny, actually.
[Conan 'O Brian enters the room.]
CONAN: Hello, boyz.
MULDER: Woah! It's Conan 'O Brian! The king of late night!
DOGGETT: You're my idol!
CONAN: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyways, would you guys be interested in joining a boy band called G-Boyz-2G Boyz Men Boyz?
[Mulder and Doggett exchange glances.]
MULDER: Well... it sounds good to me!
DOGGETT: Yeah! I've always dreamed'a bein' a teen idle!
CONAN: Wonderful! Come with me, to the studio! (under his breath) I'm a total genious...
---
Boy Band Studio
NYC, NY
[The Boy Band Studio is made up of a dressing room, lounge, and recording room. Mulder and Doggett are in the lounge where they meet Skinner and Kersh.]
MULDER: Hey, Skinner, Kersh... are you guys gonna be part of the band too?
SKINNER: We sure are!
KERSH: I'm so excited!
DOGGETT: Likewise.
[Conan enters the room with another guy that has pink hair and lots of peircings.]
CONAN: Boys, this is Rosco. He is the boss in charge, second only to ME!
ROSCO: Yo.
EVERYONE: Hiya!
ROSCO: Okay, let's see. (takes a good look at all four of them) NOT GOOD. Okay, we totally need to fix this up.
THREE HOURS LATER
[Mulder walks into the room. He's wearing fancy neon pants and a silk white shirt with the buttons undone.]
MULDER: Yo, my name is Timothy Joe! I'm the sweet one. (smiles sweetly)
[Doggett walks into the room, wearing a white tanktop and leather jeans.]
DOGGETT: Yeah, baby! My name is Tamborine. I'm the rough, troubled one. (crosses arms and looks tough)
[Skinner walks into the room, wearing a red blouse and flare jeans. He has a rose in this mouth.]
SKINNER: Ugn, yeah, you know you want somma diss right here. My name is Rosemary. I'm the ladies man!
[Kersh walks into the room, wearing REALLY baggy pants and no shirt.]
KERSH: YO! My name is Jamal! I'm the rappin', crappin' bitch-ass right heah.
ROSCO: (claps) Oh, wonderful, absolutely wonderful! Now, let's get to recording that album, shall we?
CONAN: Let's. Oh, do let's.
---
Scully's Apartment
Georgetown
SCULLY: Crap! Crap it all to hell! WHERE IS MULDER?!?!?! Jebus Christ, I'm gonna kick his pansy-ass... (sighs) Oh well. (sits down on her couch and turns on the television. She flips through the channels until she sees Carson Daily- celebrity appearance #2! She hates TRL but decides to watch it for some unknown reason)
CARSON: Today on TRL we have a brand new boy band performing live for us. EVERYBODY, keep it up, for G-Boyz-2G Boyz Men Boyz!!!
[The crowd screams wildly. Four guys with mics are sitting on a couch, bobbing their heads.]
SCULLY: (chokes on a pringle) AUGHAUGHGUAUGHSAQ!!#3@*@&$*@$@&^dsjh&(@^#Q98WEYRQOAHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[A catchy tune starts to play.]
DOGGETT: Ohhhhhhh, baby, I'm heeeere to staaaay...
MULDER: I'll nevah leave yah, I'm heeeere to staaaay...
SKINNER: If yah evah feelin' lonely, baby, I'm heeeeere...
KERSH: Uhn, uhn, yeah, yeah, I'm heah to stay!
EVERYONE: We're here to staaaayyyy... we'll nevah leave yah baby, we're here to staaaaayyyyyy....
MULDER: I'll always love yah baby, I'm here to staaaay... yah can always count on me... whenevah yah need...
DOGGETT: I'M HEAH TO STAAAYYYYY!!!!
SKINNER: HEAH TO STAAAAAYYYY!!!!
MULDER: ....TO STAAAAAYYYYYYY, TOOOOOO STTAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!
KERSH: Uhn, uhn, heah to stay, uhn, uhn, heah to stay, babey...
MULDER: I'll always be by yah side, I'm heah to staaaaayyyyyyy.... I'll nevah lea- (is hit by a shoe) OW! What the hell?
SCULLY: (panting, huffing) Mulder... what the hell... do you think... you're... doing?!
MULDER: Mulder who? My name is Timothy Joe! (looks at camera and smiles sweetly) I'm the sweet one.
DOGGETT: I'm the tough one.
SKINNER: I'm the ladies man.
KERSH: I'm the rappin' crappin' bitch-ass.
SCULLY: You guys joined a flippin' BOY BAND? Have you gone INSANE?! Boy bands are the scum of the flippin' EARTH!
CARSON: (pokes Scully's shoulder) Um... what are you doing here? This is LIVE television!
SCULLY: (looks at the camera and waves, laughing nervously)
CARSON: (shakes head) Jebus Christ... I'm SO going to lose my job...
SCULLY: And that's a bad thing?
[The audience boo's and throws random objects at her.]
SCULLY: Yeah, same to you! (makes a fist)
MULDER: Listen, Scully, we're RIGHT in the middle of doing a performance. Could you save this for later?
SCULLY: NO, I CANNOT SAVE THIS FOR LATER! I'm NOT going to sit around and watch you humiliate yourself! (grabs Mulder and pulls him offstage with her)
[An alley near Time Square. Scully is dragging Mulder by the arm.]
MULDER: Scullliiieeeeee.... PLEASE!! I want to be in a boy band! My days as an FBI agent are over! Let me persue other interests for once!
SCULLY: You can persue other interests, but not if it involves you joining a flippin' boy band!
MULDER: Oh, COME ON, Scully, you're just jealous because there's gonna be millions of teenage girls out there worshipping me!
SCULLY: Jealousy? What the hell does this have to do with JEALOUSY? Mulder, I'm just concerned with your well-being. Being in a boy band is not only humiliating, but dangerous, also! There was this one guy-
[Conan 'O Brian appears out of the darkness.]
CONAN: Why, hello, hello, my pretties!
MULDER: Oh, hey Conan. We're kinda in the middle of a private conversation, if you don't mind.
CONAN: Oh, but this will just take a second. (smiles evilly)
SCULLY: What is it, Conan? If you want to interview "Timothy Joe" on your show, sorry. He's quitting.
CONAN: Oh, no, nothing like that. I just want... to take your lives.
[Mulder and Scully glance at eachother.]
MULDER: No, thanks. Our lives are kind of precious to us, you know?
SCULLY: Seriously.
CONAN: (laughs in an evil manner, and pulls out a gun before they have time to pull out theirs) Have any last words?
SCULLY: Well, before we die, can you atleast tell us WHY you're going to kill us?
CONAN: Colonization has begun.
SCULLY: Um... okay... but what does that have to do with us?
CONAN: I don't know the details, okay? I'm just here to kill you. I'm working for the CSM. The boy band thing was just a ploy so I could kill you.
SCULLY: But I thought CSM was dead!
CONAN: Oh no, he's most definately alive.
MULDER: And I still don't understand the boy band thing. You made a boy band... so you could kill us? I don't understand.
CONAN: Um... well, it's all part of the BIG PLAN, you know?
SCULLY: No, I don't know.
MULDER: Me neither.
CONAN: Ugh, who flippin' cares? PREPARE TO DIE!
To be continued...