This happened when I was really bored and too lazy to work on those other three Death Eater stories I've started - or is it four now? Anyway, none of them are abandoned, I'm just too lazy and too busy with NaNoWriMo to write them right now.
Nagini is human just for the heck of it (it's a little more interesting when she can talk to the rest of the Death Eaters). This takes place in the fifth book before the Department of Mysteries. Enjoy!
"Welcome. I am Katie, and I shall be your coach. What are your names?" the Muggle team-building and athletics coach said, her eyes roving over nine bored-looking Death Eaters.
"I am Voldemort, although you may call me the Dark Lord or Master," Voldemort was the first to introduce himself. "This here is Nagini, she's a snake; Bellatrix, you don't want to get her mad; Severus, who, um…. he's cool too, he just doesn't kill enough people; Wormtail, completely useless but he helped me get a new body; Lucius, he's also useless but he's rich; Fenrir Greyback, he's not even a Death Eater, but he likes to bite kids, so he's cool; and Rodolphus and Rabastan, who are also rich and are somehow related to Bellatrix. Second cousins twice removed or something." He glanced around at his Death Eaters; most of them were glaring at him. "What? I just wanted to give a little backstory about you guys…"
"Very flattering," Nagini assured him, her voice, although in English, coming out in a soft hiss. She'd been transfigured into a human for this 'bonding, team-building exercise' as advertised in the Muggle newspaper. The Death Eaters (well, Voldemort, mostly) had been desperate enough to come here after a pretty nasty fight, which resulted in all of the aforementioned Death Eaters apart from Nagini, Voldemort and Bellatrix moaning on the ground, bleeding and in various states of pain. Bellatrix was standing above them victoriously with blood on her robes, and happily explained that it all happened because someone had the nerve to call her Trixy.
Nagini had only agreed to be transfigured into a human because Voldemort insisted that she join in, and he also had the nerve to withhold any venison or human meat from her until she agreed. She usually didn't give in to things like that, but who knows, this might be a little bit fun.
"Would any of you like to introduce yourselves?" Katie asked. "Although Mr. Voldemort here has a very, er, interesting imagination…"
"It's the Dark Lord," Bellatrix snapped.
"If that's what all of you choose to call him, then that's excellent, but we don't use nicknames which place us above others…"
"You could also call him Tom!" Nagini said energetically. Might as well make Bellatrix hate her while she could…
"Nagini!" Voldemort snapped. "I am the Dark Lord, woman, and you shall address me as such."
"I am going to call you Voldemort, and I suggest your teammates do, as well. The whole point of your coming here was to establish a team atmosphere, wasn't it?"
"The whole point was to calm someone down so that all my stupid followers don't turn against my only faithful one," Voldemort responded. He'd heard it was better not to name names sometimes, even though everyone here knew who he was talking about.
"It's okay, I can take them," Nagini assured him. Make that almost everyone.
"While you're human?" Severus muttered.
"One at a time, yeah," Nagini said.
"Well, Voldemort, while you are here, we - all of us - will try to become more trusting as a team."
"Wow, who knew that 'we' meant 'all of us,'" Nagini hissed.
"Good luck with that," Greyback muttered, eyeing Bellatrix. The Death Eaters had been instructed to sit in a group; after Voldemort reinforced the command, he and Bellatrix sat at the edge of the group. Nagini sprawled out on her stomach beside Severus a little behind. Rodolphus and Rabastan were on their knees in the back, muttering back and forth; Wormtail, Lucius and Greyback were yet again stuck in the middle.
"Even if, erm, not one of you is ready, this will work," Katie insisted. She was sitting crisscross apart from them. "Now, let's start with something easy. Everyone get in a circle around me!" She tried to keep her tone energetic, but was met with groans and complaints. Eventually Voldemort groaned and stood up, then moved to sit beside her. Bellatrix followed. Greyback moved to sit on Katie's other side, followed by Rabastan and Rodolphus. Severus got up to claim a spot between Rodolphus and Nagini, who found a reluctant Wormtail and Lucius on her other side, completing the circle.
"Nagini, would you mind sitting up?" Katie asked.
"Yes," she snapped. Her eyes roved sarcastically over the circle of Death Eaters, most of which had deigned to sit like regular human beings. "Greyback, stop! Muggle werewolves are a huge hazard." Greyback jumped, glancing up and wiping a bit of drool from his mouth.
"I wasn't…"
"Yeah, you were about to. Switch with Lucius."
"But…"
"Now," Nagini snarled. Usually twenty-year-old girls with greenish skin weren't that frightening, and maybe it was just her influence, but Greyback still whimpered a little and moved to sit between Bellatrix and Wormtail.
"Nagini, what was that about?" asked Katie, who had remained silent throughout the affair, wondering whether she should interfere or not. "Why did you just tell Fenrir…"
"Because he was going to bite you, ma'am, and Muggle werewolves get harassed by the Ministry of Magic even more than wizarding ones, not to mention a particularly painful transformation every full moon…"
"Don't call Fenrir a werewolf," Katie snapped. God, this group was even more hopeless than she'd thought…
"I am a werewolf," Greyback growled. "And I really don't mind being addressed by my last name, thanks."
"Don't be silly, you're…"
"Are we really going to start fighting over obvious facts this soon?" Rabastan sighed. He turned to Rodolphus, "I mean, I don't think this lady is a good enough excuse for Bella to torture him again, so…"
"Might be," Rodolphus replied. "Mind you, I don't think she really needs an excuse any more."
"Yes, Rod?" Bellatrix snarled. "I'm less than six feet away from you, you do realize that?"
"Of course, honey…" Rodolphus paled.
"Would you three stop fighting?" Katie snapped.
"Would you stop being so utterly ridiculous?" Greyback said. He really looked like he wanted to bite her, so Voldemort decided to intervene.
"Katie?" he asked.
"Yes?"
"Everybody shut up!" Voldemort called. They all fell silent at once, except for Nagini, who yawned loudly. "There's a few things I'd like to clear up with you, before you seriously offend someone else," he said.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone," she said hurriedly. "Who was it?"
"Greyback is a werewolf, and he's quite proud of it. Just to get things straight, we're wizards, and if you hear terms like 'pureblood' or 'half-blood,' think nothing of it. Blood purity is very important to us. And Wormtail is animagus to a rat; and do not, under any circumstances, annoy Bellatrix - you will regret it for the rest of your life. And something else… oh, yeah, Nagini. She's my pet snake, but I turned her into a human so we could do this."
Maybe I should just recommend the lot of them to a mental hospital for schizophrenia, Katie thought, but she just nodded. Maybe she could still do something for this group, if they were willing to cooperate.
"All right, then," Katie said, forcing herself to smile. "If none of you have any problems with that description, then I believe we can begin…"
"I'm not your pet!"
"'Course you're not… Nagini, stop disrespecting me in front of all my Death Eaters!" Voldemort hissed.
"You're the one who wanted to transfigure me!"
"Wasn't the whole idea of turning Nagini human so that we didn't all have to sit there while you two talk in Parseltongue?"
"Snape, do I really have to…"
"You're the only one without a wand here, Bellatrix."
"No, only a couple idiots actually sneaked theirs in - give it to me."
"No!"
"If we're going to get anything done at all, then…"
"Everybody be quiet!" Katie yelled. She yelled really loudly; she was used to training much larger teams of adults. All the Death Eaters fell silent. "Do you guys want to do this or not?" Katie demanded.
Voldemort again initiated the murmurs of assent, most of which were false; he was the one who signed everyone else up for this, after all. You don't become a Death Eater by doing what you want to.
"We're going to start with quick team-building games," Katie said, sitting down again. "Not all of them are for adults, but based on your maturity level as a group, I think you can handle it. No interruptions or I will lock you in a bathroom stall for the rest of the day. Mind you, it'll be a bathroom stall with a toilet filled with crap and a flushing handle that doesn't work. Are we clear?"
So that's the way to get across to these people, she thought. No more nicey-nice for me, then.
"To start off, we're going to go in a circle and say our names, careers, and a favorite hobby or pastime. Don't interrupt each other, or… just remember the toilet threat. I'll start."
"My name is Katie MacCracken, I'm a sports and athletic coach in addition to counseling, so expect to do a lot of exercise. I like hiking and camping." She turned to Voldemort, genuinely surprised that no one had commented.
"I am Voldemort, but you all know I like to be called the Dark Lord. I am the Dark Lord. I like to spend my time procrastinating or killing Muggles."
"Mostly procrastinating," Nagini muttered.
"Shut up, Nagini. I'm Bellatrix Lestrange, escaped convict charged of multiple murders and the torturing of a couple Aurors into insanity, currently unemployed; if you haven't picked up, I like to torture Mug - everyone. Next!"
Judging by the Death Eaters' expressions, this was nothing new. Bellatrix turned to the unwilling person beside her, Greyback.
"Fenrir Greyback, werewolf whom the Ministry is trying to track down; I like working out, wrestling and biting people on the full moon."
"I'm Worm - uh, I'm Peter Pettigrew, but everyone calls me Wormtail. And I'm unemployed because the wizarding world thinks I'm dead. And I like to…." Wormtail trailed off, thinking, and discovered there wasn't much he really liked to do nowadays. "I like to eat pizza."
"And I am Nagini!" Nagini said energetically. Okay, sarcastically. Or a mixture of both. "I am also unemployed! That's because I'm a snake! I like to sit in trees for hours on end staring at nothing!"
"Severus Snape, potions professor of Hogwarts. Rodolphus, your turn."
"What, there isn't anything you like to do?" Nagini hissed. "You don't like talking to me?"
"No, I assure you, that's one of my favorite hobbies," Severus said sarcastically.
"Okay then. I'm Rodolphus Lestrange, also escaped convict, and I like to get drunk at bars."
"That's because it's the only thing he's good at," Bellatrix stage whispered. Rodolphus reddened but had enough sense not to protest.
"Rabastan Lestrange, same as Rodolphus and Bellatrix in being an escaped convict, I like to… um…" Rabastan cast around for something to say, then decided cheerily on, "I like to watch pornos!"
"I am Lucius Malfoy," Lucius said disdainfully. "I work for the Ministry as a Hogwarts Governor, and I like to buy new things that I shall never use."
"Endearing," Nagini muttered.
"Okay," Katie said. "So… two of you are employed?"
"The Lestranges and Voldemort are a little too wanted to submit their resumes anywhere," Greyback growled. "Wormtail's lazy and Nagini's a snake and I'm a werewolf."
"I assure you, we'd all have very prestigious careers if given the chance," Nagini said. "Not that we want the chance. Just to clarify."
"I think I was head of something at the Ministry once…"
"Oh, god, the Ministry was awful."
"You're just saying that because you went to Az…"
"No, the Ministry's pretty awful, Lucius."
"I assure you it's the most beautiful thing in the world; that would explain why we're spending all this time trying to destroy it."
"Still…"
"You can come out of your shell now; you won't be fired for badmouthing the Ministry here."
"Not funny, Nagini."
"When you're all finished!" Katie snapped. Nothing happened. The were starting to relate bad experiences with the Ministry. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" That worked. "Since you're already talking about bad things associated with the Ministry, why don't we go in a nice little circle discussing it?" The expected groans. "Maybe if you paid attention more, we wouldn't have to do this," Katie said. "Lucius, you start this time."
"One time, the Ministry didn't give me a pay raise for three months!" Lucius said.
"Next," Katie said hurriedly. Oh, god, was he really stupid enough to say that?
"A Ministry official locked up his own son for something he just sat and watched because we pressured him into it," said Rabastan.
"The Ministry also sentenced all the loyal Death Eaters to Azkaban for fourteen years," Rodolphus said, glaring at Lucius.
"You two managed to weasel your way in somehow," Bellatrix said.
"The Ministry's forced a pathetic pink toad of a professor on Hogwarts," Severus' comment was targeted mostly towards Voldemort; the Dark Lord was the only one who cared about the school.
"The Ministry…." Nagini said, pausing to think. "One time, the Daily Prophet, via the Ministry, published an article containing a rather offensive comment about someone's nose. Said someone wouldn't shut up about it for a week."
"Deep, Nagini," Severus whispered. "Deep."
"Just as deep as those hobbies of yours."
"The Ministry sentenced one of my former best mates to Azkaban for twelve years without a trial," Wormtail offered. "And he was innocent."
"Actually," Rodolphus said loudly. "Wormtail, I think you should start laughing."
"But it wasn't funny!"
"Laugh anyway."
"You're incredibly subtle, Rod," Bellatrix said scathingly.
"Moving on!" Rabastan announced. "Greyback, what say you?"
"Hm… once the Ministry arrested me for killing someone," Greyback said. "And the judge or whoever he was started ranting on and on about how werewolves are soulless and evil, and then they tried to arrest me. So, later on, I bit the guy's four-year-old son."
"The Ministry," Bellatrix said, "is stupid. They called my pathetic cousin, who doesn't even have a Dark Mark, the Dark Lord's most loyal follower."
"The Ministry is mean," Voldemort said. "They made mean comments about my nose." He sniffed and wiped a tear from his eye. Then he added, "And Nagini's also mean for bringing it up."
"Hey, I kept it anonymous!" Nagini protested.
"Yeah, that wasn't obvious at all," Severus smirked.
"See?"
"Indeed, Master of Sarcasm," said Severus.
"Yes, person who is trying to usurp my title," Nagini said, "That was sarcasm, too."
"The next thing we're going to do," Katie said pointedly, "Because you've all decided that this is pointless and boring, I'm going to make it pointless and difficult. We're going to do ten types of exercise for one minute each and see how well you can do, figure out the team average, and try to increase it! Yes, I know it sounds awful… have I mentioned that you're going to be competing against another team in a few days?"
"No…"
"Now I have," Katie said, "They're, ah, quite similar to you all, or as similar as I could find. Nine people, mostly male and mostly middle-aged. You're going to spend next week competing for a really big prize."
"Ooooh," said Voldemort. "I can feel the tension!" Evidently, no one else did, because they more or less ignored him.
"Alright, everyone grab one of those water bottles and find your own floorspace!" Katie yelled, suddenly sounding like one of those scary coaches. When no one moved (or maybe moved a little too slowly), she pulled a whip out of her pocket and started brandishing it around (sometimes Katie took 'Crazy Coach Mode' a little too seriously).
This time, everyone scrambled to their feet and did as they were told. Voldemort started to regret these 'Team-Building Classes' when Katie started leading them through a number of different stretches. She didn't acknowledge that no one was doing as she instructed.
"Okay, that was ex - let's be honest. That was awful," Katie began. "Now we're going to do jumping jacks for thirty seconds, and I'm going to write down how many you did at the end. This isn't a competition, it's merely for self-improvement." And because you all are really annoying, and you'll be a lot quieter when you're too busy gasping for breath to talk.
"Start!"
At least they all had some vague idea of what these jumping jack things were (Katie was trying hard to look on the bright side), even though Nagini had very clearly never done them before, and Wormtail and Voldemort didn't really seem to understand that it was more than clapping your hands above your head repeatedly. And maybe she did have to crack her whip in the air a few more times than necessary to get things started. At least the Death Eaters were all doing jumping jacks.
The number of jumping jacks they achieved went from 5 (Wormtail, followed by Voldemort's 7) to 108 (Greyback). The Lestranges and Severus were close together, followed by Nagini.
"This whole 'jump up in the air for no reason' thing is a little new," Nagini said. "Don't worry, I can beat everyone at sitting in a tree and staring off into space…"
"That's because no sane person will do that, Nagini," Voldemort said. He was a little bitter about his snake beating him.
"I'm sure jumping and clapping your hands in the air repeatedly makes a lot more sense."
"Next we're going to do push-ups," Katie announced, keen to avoid yet another pointless round of bickering. "Just to clarify this time, does everyone know what that is?" She demonstrated anyway before telling everyone to get ready. "And… start!"
This time Nagini and Greyback were nearly tied; being a snake, Nagini had much more muscle than the average human when transfigured. After going through several more various types of exercise, Katie decided that they would work on it later, and get to more of those lovely 'teambuilding' games right now.
Okay, maybe not my best fanfiction; it will get better in later chapters, I promise you! Especially when the Order of the Phoenix shows up...
You should review! It takes a second to write the words 'it sucked' (or hopefully something a little more constructive or positive). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!