Disclaimer: This is tag-team self-insertion fan fiction, set in the Evangelion universe. This is chapter 1 of an epic story, which itself is the first of an epic series. Still here? Good. None of the authors of this work have or lay claim to Neon Genesis Evangelion or the numerous books, movies, TV shows, anime series, and video games parodied in this story. Don't take this too seriously, and may the deity or deities of your choice forgive you for reading this tripe.
Neon Genesis Goonvagelion
Book 1: The Overdue Re-Write
Prologue: Of Provocations and Pushed Buttons
Our story began in the comfortable, homely residence of one Andrew Mucha. Here, three young men sat on a well-loved, or rather, a couch that looked like it was Bigfoot's love toy in a previous life. They were about to partake in a rare and dangerous ritual that would test their mental fortitude and physical stamina to the utmost. They would be pitted against one another, facing fist-to-fist... no wait, wrong introductory paragraph. They would be pitted against an army, three men versus a million... no, still wrong one. They would be placed in separate cells, each given a knife, a bit of string, and a... nope. They would each have only twenty hours to arrive at their destination, drop their payload... wrong. They would hunt for a thousand years these dark plains, upon which crawled... sorry, no. They would cook like the wind and... fail. They would harbor the resentment for years to come...
Okay, here it is.
They would be pushed to their limits and beyond, by forces they did not fully understand. They would be tested in a trial that had broken lesser men. They would... watch the entire Evangelion anime in a single sitting. But this was no ordinary anime marathon. They were indulging in a special kind of insanity-the out-of-order marathon.
"Popcorn?" Asked John Genoni, his glasses catching some serious glare off of the television. He had a couch potato build and a soul patch.
Jared Waddell, a blonde made almost entirely of gangly limbs, awkward anglyes, and lecherous smiles, held aloft a giant bowl of the wondrous culinary delight that is microwaved popcorn in reply. "Here," he said simply.
"Tapes?" John asked the third occupant, and resident of the house.
Andy Mucha, tallest of the three, with the build of a wild bear, closed his eyes and ran his hands over a rack of VHS tapes. "Here."
"Are we spiritually prepared?" Jared asked.
John stared at Jared. Well, he turned his head to face the other man, his eyes unseen behind the glare on his glasses. He considered Jared's question for a moment, then moved a little further away.
Andy merely frowned at the question, and pulled out a tape at random, his eyes still closed.
John began, in his best Rayden voice, "Now, for the challenge of the ages..."
"It's guess the episode time!" Andy said, whipping the cover off the video and finding the door to the VCR on the ninth try. He only broke two vases this time.
Jared handed the popcorn off to John in favor of a large multi-device remote control. John began munching on the buttery goodness while Jared limbered up a single finger like a conductor. When Andy finally sat on the couch, Jared's finger descended on the 'play' button with laser precision, and
Chapter 1: Hope is for the Foolish / Who, What, Where, and Does that Come with Chocolate?
"What the hell?"
It could have been said by any of them. The thought was certainly mirrored by the two that remained in silent shock. John, minus the bowl of popcorn, was still holding a fistful of the good stuff. Andy stared into the distant horizon, looking thoughtful, as if wondering where his living room went because that was EXACTLY what he was wondering. Jared, who had spoken, was staring at the remote control in his hand as if it had planned the murder of his pet goldfish.
John's hand began to shake, fluffy, buttery goodness falling like plump snowflakes to the grassy knoll the trio were now sitting on. "What just happened?"
Andy stood and slowly turned on the spot before folding his arms over his chest and whistling the X-Files theme.
Casually, John glanced at his friend and said, "Andy. Stop or I will personally kill you with my bare hands."
Towering over John, Andy glared down at his friend's glasses, which were catching glare from the mostly clear sky above. Jared finally stopped staring at the remote and stood, looking past Andy. John eventually abandoned his staring contest with Andy and tried to see what was holding onto Jared's attention. Now that his friends were both standing and within his field of view, Andy took a moment to redouble his glare at both them before turning around to see what held their collective attention like a bear trap around a scrotum.
After a moment, Andy dryly said, "Well, we aren't in Kansas anymore."
And thereby won the Understatement of the Year Award.
Somewhat tearful, "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
Can it.
Interrupting the forth-wall shattering stupidity, Jared started screaming in Andy's face. "Kansas? We don't live in Kansas. I've never even BEEN to Kansas! I DON'T SEE ANY KANSIANS AROUND HERE! WE'RE IN JAPAN!"
"Kansians?" John asked with a raised eyebrow. "And how do you know we're in Japan?"
Jared pointed to the mountain in the distance, framed by numerous sky-scrapers.
"Hey, that's Mt. Fuji," John said, then paled. Quietly, "Oh."
Taking a step back from Jared, Andy muttered, "Well, anyone up for a refund?"
Cicadas hummed loudly in the background. John turned to the thin man. "Jared?"
"Yes?"
"This always happens when you hog the remote!" Andy yelled.
"It's your remote!" Jared protested.
"Hey, it's my turn to yell at him!" John elbowed Andy in the side.
"I'll hand him over when I'm done!"
"What makes you think I had anything to do with this?" Jared snapped.
"Step aside!" John shoved at Andy, who calmly took the assault without budging.
"You were the one who modified it!" Andy accused.
"I just fixed the battery connections! We didn't see it after that... wait a minute. That was three months ago. This thing's been in your _couch_ for three months?" Jared dropped the remote, this words and actions making the word 'couch' come out like 'sewer.' He wiped his hands on his pants several times.
John scooped up the remote in a labeled evidence bag and tucked it away for later examination. "Damn it. Guys, let's just go into town and see if someone can lead use to the American ambassador. I think I'd like to go home."
The grassy knoll turned out to be the most interesting feature of a decent-sized park in the middle of a large city. Very large. The place looked a lot like Tokyo. Well, a much cleaner Tokyo, with shiny new buildings, and everything much more spread out and modernized and very large roads with odd markings and... actually, it looked nothing like Tokyo.
It also appeared to be deserted.
Not that the Goons noticed or cared.
"Damn it, this is all your fault!" John shouted.
"My fault?" Jared feigned shock.
"You had the remote!" John stated, jabbing a finger at Jared's chest.
"But you were the one insisting we watch Eva." Jared retorted.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
"Anime... Japan," Jared said, making a 'follow my line of reasoning' gesture.
John was prepared to go to no such place, and continued to glare at his friend.
From a few feet away, Andy commented. "All these signs are written in a different language. It's like, Japanese or something. We're going to have a hard time finding the embassy."
John rounded on the tallest Goon. "And you! Which video did you put in the VCR?"
"How would I know?" Andy asked reasonably.
"Yeah, how would he know?" Jared asked as well. "Andy's too dumb too-"
"Shut up!" John snapped. Turning back to the huge man. "Andy! They were your videos! You were putting in the tapes!"
Andy shrugged helplessly. "I wasn't paying attention. It was a random-order marathon. Isn't that the idea?"
John wiped his brow. Dealing with his friends was sometimes a stressful activity. Scratch that. It was a stressful activity all of the time, even when they weren't around (which seemed like never). He'd meant for months now to take up a less challenging hobby, like solving that world hunger problem, or maybe that global warming problem. Maybe build a time machine, or refute a few thermodynamic laws. Something easy. His friends were just too difficult sometimes.
Movement caught his eye. "What episode are we in?" He asked. "Any guesses?"
Jared attempted to be the voice of reason. Go ahead and laugh. "We don't know if we're in Eva. We could be in Ranma or Ghost in the Shell or Lain or any number of anime with Japan in it. Hell, we might just be in Japan, and not in any anime at all."
"Japan's not real," Andy insisted.
"Then were does anime come from?" Jared asked.
After some 'thought,' Andy answered, "The comic book store."
"I rest my case," Jared sighed. Then went pale. "Wait. Everybody pray we aren't in some tentacle porn. In the meantime, I suggest you two start learning Japanese."
"And what do you think you're going to do?" Andy asked, sounding genuinely curious.
Neither noticed their friend doing some runner's stretches.
Jared puffed out his chest and thumped it. "Play the completely silent and apparently stupid Ninja sidekick with incredible martial arts skills."
John rolled his eyes, popped his back, and stretched his hamstrings. "How 'bout we play a trio of clueless American teenagers without passports or knowledge of ten words of the language."
"Yeah, this is like self-insert fanfiction. We could just be ourselves, and learn Japanese in a couple of weeks from tapes or something. I put that in a story once."
"Then we'd conveniently be turned into giant robot pilots," Andy said enthusiastically, drooling somewhat. "Mecha," he panted.
"Plug suits... Boobies!" Jared crowed.
"We are in Eva, guys. Someone here speaks English."
"Eva?" Andy said, snapping out of his daze.
"Yes."
"Certain?" Jared asked.
"Absolutely," John said, finishing his stretches.
"How can you tell?" Jared asked.
The ground shuddered. The buildings around the trio started retracting into the ground.
"Well," John gestured around them. "There's that little detail. And That, I believe, is an Angel."
Andy and Jared heard the Capitalization in their friend's voice, and turned to see what else he was pointing at. At the other end of town, Evangelion Unit-01, in its familiar purple-and-green glory, stepped out of a building. A similar building appeared a dozen blocks away and disgorged the fire-engine red Unit-02. Both units immediately begin attacking a large, multi-color monster that looked for all the world like a giant kite filled with jello. The familiar bone-white face on the front was cast in a manic grin, and seemed to look right through the three Americans.
"Gentlemen," said John. "I suggest running."
"I propose a screaming clause be added to that suggestion."
"Votes on the motion?" John asked, raising his own hand. "Aye."
"Aye," said Andy.
"Aye," said Jared.
"Motion approved."
The three began running and screaming down the street, back towards the park of their arrival.
Dozens of blocks away as the crow flies, and more than a mile underground, brown eyes followed scrolling information displays, flew over tactical area maps of the city, and glanced worryingly at the main holographic view screen. Slim fingers rubbed absently at a heavy silver cross hung from a sturdy silver necklace, the surface polished from frequent handling. Long legs carried a petite form with purple hair over the grey floor's anti-slip coating, sensible shoes landing with a nearly inaudible clack, clack, clack.
Major Misato Katsuragi, Special Commander of Combat Resources, NERV (on special assignment from the JSSDF), stopped pacing and flicked her purple locks over one shoulder while the communications light for Evangelion Unit-02 switched from red to green. A girl's voice rang out over the Central Dogma's speaker system.
"Major, I hear civilians screaming."
The lucky icon hanging over the Major's bosom got another worried rubbing. "From which direction, Asuka?" She asked.
There was a pregnant pause before the communications light changed colors again. "In that direction."
Without needing a verbal command, one of the technicians activated the directional feed from Unit-02. The red arm of the biomechanical beast extended away from the camera, pointing at Hideaki Park. The view was devoid of human life. Also, the three Americans could not be seen.
Misato spared a glance at a camera watching Unit-01's fight with the Angel. Currently the two monsters were locked hand-hand, trying to force the other to it's knees. Biting her lip, Misato looked back at the screen showing the peaceful park. "Asuka, move into the park and check for anyone that hasn't made it to a shelter."
The comm. light went green again. "Do look like a recovery crew to you?"
"Just do it," said Misato.
Meanwhile, back at ground level...
"I wish I knew where we were. I could probably find a shelter and get us out of this mess," said John.
Jared, leaning against a sign with Kanji on it giving the name of the park and brief directions to the nearest shelter, shrugged helplessly.
Then the ground shook again. The three turned to see a massive red robot stomping into view. Not just shake-the-earth stomping as giant robots tend to do no matter how careful the pilot, but the deliberate, angry stomping normally employed by three year olds throwing a tantrum.
While John and Andy prepared to bolt from the scene, Jared dropped to his knees and began screaming rapturously. "It is the goddess!"
In Central Dogma, Asuka's voice rang out again. "I can see three people. They don't look Japanese to me. One of them is bowing to my Unit-02 though. Probably nuts or something."
Misato shrugged a what-can-you-do shrug. "Well, they aren't in any danger right there. Tell them to stay put and I'll have a med crew come check them once we're done. And mind the Angel."
In Hideaki Park.
"Andy, quick check, Asuka is American right?" John asked urgently.
Andy blinked. "Actually, I think she's German."
Jared inserted his two cents. "No, he's right. Asuka is American but with Japanese and German heritage. She was returning from Germany where she went to school and lived with her... was it adoptive mother or grandmother?"
John fought down the snarl rising in his throat. These two could fall through a hole in time, land in the middle of a WWII battle, and debate the city and street address of the factory that built the guns killing them. "GETTING TO THE POINT," Deep breath. "Can she understand us?"
Jared scratched his chin in thought. "Well, you could try swearing at her in English and if she kills you, then we have our answer." Never mind 'thought.'
"Shut up, Jared."
He smirked. "Bite me."
John's hands came up, fingers hooked like claws, face vicious. "Maybe I will this time..."
Far above, Asuka watched one of the Americans try to choke the thin one. "Um, I think that they'll kill each other before the med team gets there, Misato."
Should could hear the Major sigh over the comm.
Jared calmly threw off John, careful not to break any bones in process, and faced the giant mecha. Screaming at the head, "Hey, hot stuff! How about you, me, a can or two of whipped cream, some cherries, and a nice private place for the night?"
Japan was a weird, and often stupid, place. And it was full of perverts. And Kaji was around far too little. And Angels kept attacking things. All in all, there was very little to like about Japan. But at least the Japanese perverts had a grasp of subtlety.
This asshole was begging to be smashed like a bug. "PERVERT! I'll kill him myself!" Shrieked Asuka, her grip of the controls white-knuckled.
While a foot the size of a military flatbed rose off the ground, dripping grass clippings and bits of flattened squirrel, Jared stood his ground, looking innocent, cute, and adorably stupid. "Who, me?"
John's hands clasped empty air. "Where the FUCK is my baseball bat?"
Then the size 200 foot crashed down next to trio.
None flinched.
"Successful test?" Said Andy.
"Indeed, now how do we survive?" Questioned Jared.
"I propose running and screaming," Andy proposed.
"Votes on the motion?" John asked, raising his own hand. "Aye."
"Aye," said Andy.
"Aye," said Jared.
"Motion approved," John said, and turned towards the mecha. "Shouldn't be taking care of that Angel?"
The three made tracks, screaming their heads off.
From within the mecha, the furious redhead shouted, "COME BACK HERE YOU JERKS!"
A few hundred yards away, hiding behind a small building, one that hadn't retracted below ground, Andy consulted with Jared.
"Now what?"
"Simple, like that one episode, we wait until Asuka goes down and get into the plug where it's safe."
"You mean where you can be close to Asuka," John put in, "And I don't appreciate the innuendo in that sentence."
Jared shrugged. "Bite me."
John ignored him and looked around the corner. "I don't think that will work."
"Why not?" Jared asked, pouting.
"She's already left us alone."
Jared also peeked around the corner. "Damn it! I told you guys not to hide!"
"Who was screaming 'run for your lives' a few seconds ago?" Andy said testily.
"Some other pedestrian," Jared insisted.
Andy mutely pulled out a camcorder, flipped out the LCD screen, and hit the playback button. On the screen, a jerky image of Jared running from crimson Eva feet is shown. The speaker dutifully plays back the wind noise, running feet hitting pavement, and Jared demanding that they run for their lives. Andy clicked off the camcorder after a few seconds, and tucked it away somewhere.
Jared gave his friends a suspicious look, and stroked his chin in thought, his tightly closed lips letting pass sounds, but not words. "Hmm..."
The other Americans stared at him expectantly, but when Jared just repeated the motion, ADHD took over and they lost interest.
"Now, if we managed to get Asuka's attention, then maybe Misato saw us." He paused, noticing Jared and Andy starting to drool. "She may send a medical crew out to us in case we may be injured or something."
"So what's the plan? Hide in that building and snipe arrivals? Break some arms and demand an audience with NERV? Secure a few vehicles and ride into the wilderness of Japan Road Warrior style?"
"Any good ideas?" Jared asked, ducking a wild right hook from Andy. "How about we invade NERV?"
"Yeah!" Andy jumped for joy.
"Oh, so you want to run from NERV security now?" John put in.
"I hadn't thought about that..." Jared pouted.
"Big surprise."
Andy, meanwhile, was lost to the world. "And then we'll assault the... SIDE ENTRANCE! And Jared will come in from above, M16 blazing! BRRRAP! BRRRAP!" Andy continued making shooting noises, and talked at length about tanks and air support and attacking in waves and using an S2 device to 'soften up the commie bastards.'
Ignoring the ranting man, Jared and John held conference.
"Well fine mister smarty pants, how do you propose that we get into NERV, the most secretive and powerful agency in the United Nations?" Jared asked.
"The American way," John replied.
"Buy them out?" Jared asked, perplexed. "We don't have any yen."
"I had meant through trickery and deceit."
"Ah. Well, I'll leave you to it, then."
John scowled, then jerked a thumb at Andy. "What about him?"
"Murder!" Andy exclaimed, salivating. "Military firepower!"
John casually slapped Andy several times, bringing the Otaku back to reality. "Andy, we don't have any guns, bombs, tanks, missiles, battleships, torepedos, hovergunships, N2 mines, or mass production Evangelions."
"Yeah, yeah, but it would be cool if we did have any of those things," Andy said with a gleam in his eye.
"Can't argue with that," Jared pointed out.
"Even so, that isn't exactly the best way to win them over," John countered.
"Besides, if we had mass production models, we wouldn't need NERV. We could just fly back to the States."
Andy's brain lurched into sarcasm mode. "Ah, Yes. And then we'd be attacked by 'our' military which could kick these wimps' asses from here to Pluto!"
At the distinctive sound of approaching ambulances, Jared and Andy looked around the corner in slight worry. Jared sighed. "Well, we better come up with something quick. John, what's your plan?"
Silence.
Jared and Andy retreated from the corner and stared intently at the John-shaped hole in the air. For dramatic effect, a chilly wind blew past them, rather loudly.
"John?" Andy asked.
The echo was deafening.
The ambulances were not far behind John's disappearance. The EMTs made a show of inspecting Andy and Jared for injuries, then organized a search party to find John. After a few minutes of searching, they found him.
Broken pipes framed the blast crater like the legs of spiders dropped into the inferno of candle flame. Loose wires, obviously still carrying electricity, took advantage of the water dripping slowly from the broken pipes to spark intermittently. John himself laid face-down in the center of the depressing, debris surrounding him almost in waves. Blood was everywhere. The American's limbs were at odd angles. Upon approach, Jared noted a sign listing a local union as being responsible for the work, and promptly got rid of it.
Andy reached the bottom of the crater first. "Yep, it's him."
Jared stood at the crater's edge, shouting in dismay, "I can't leave you alone for two seconds!"
"Dibs on his hat!" Andy crowed.
John's body began to twitch as EMTs finished checking him for injuries and strapped him to a gurney to remove him from the site. Like a grave robber, Andy snatched John's baseball cap as the semi-corpse passed, only to toss it back because it didn't fit.
Jared wondered where John had gotten the hat from.
Piled into the ambulances, the conscious duo realized that a familiar leaf was stenciled on the side of the vans.
"Canadians!" Andy exclaimed.
It's not a maple leaf. It's a fig leaf.
"Canadians!" Jared exclaimed.
Could we get past the Canadian joke, please?
"Holy cow, John mysteriously getting killed is going to get us into NERV!" Jared exclaimed.
That's better.
Andy was in a musing mood as he sat next to John's gurney. "So if John dies, who gets his stereo?"
The EMTs apparently understood none of the American's rambling, but the gist was clear to them. They exchanged glances, all thinking that if one of them died in the desert, the others would descend on their fallen comrade like vultures to use his shin bones for flutes. Though, none of them could play, nor had any use for a flute.
The battle above was quite done and over with (NERV victorious) by the time John's body was dumped on a hospital bed deep in NERV. Jared and Andy could only guess that the pilots were okay as the EMTs left them alone by backing away slowly and maintaining eye contact instead of dashing from the room in a flurry of organized chaos.
Jared and Andy shared a glance, then looked around the hospital room they'd been left in.
The same size as the room Shinji got in the anime. Large enough for two patients, but with not enough equipment for monitoring two people. Subdued lighting. Light green walls. White floor. Disinfectant smell common to hospitals the world over. The lone door slid open, and was locked. No windows. Quiet. The duo shared a second glance. The last time they'd been in a situation like this...
Jared turned away, and tried to sound sagely. "Perhaps... we three stones have altered this mighty river's path."
Andy chimed in with a Yoda voice. "Hmmm, change good, but know this, beware the dark side of Eva. Strong, it is."
John suddenly sat up, acting perfectly healthy. "Vultures."
The other two screamed in terror and mimed Little Takahashi Devil Pose #35: We've been discovered!
"John! You're alive!" Andy exclaimed happily.
"I didn't take your hat!" Jared pleaded. Then, "How'd you do that, man?"
John looked confused for a second, then ran his fingers through his hair. "Hat?" The word came out distorted. He made a face and spit a foaming white tablet from his mouth. "Sorry, trade secret."
"And Asuka didn't lose as far as we can tell." Andy offered.
"Oh my God! We've changed the entire plot of Eva!"
Well, I mean, yeah.
"You bastards!" Andy shouted at no-one in particular.
Ignoring Andy's remark, "So, did it work? Are we in NERV?"
"Hell yeah," Jared said with a smirk.
John assumed a Montgomery Burns pose. "Excellent." Then something on his arm registered in his peripheral vision. He glanced down at a tube leading from his arm to an IV bag, the clear plastic showing off the liquid happy juice, but giving prying eyes no information as to what it was. Most of the label, infuriatingly, was in Kanji. The single word in English listed the contents as a powerful sedative. A familiar knot of syllables familiar to the American only because he knew to avoid the chemical cocktail coursing through his veins like a drunk frat boy hitting the town in a stolen Ferrari. John looked resigned as he groaned, "This isn't good."
Then he passed out for real.
An allergic reaction wasn't the problem-unless 'allergic' was classified as surreal humor with a side of incomprehensible gibberish.
"You know, this would make a great fan fic. I mean, one of the self-insert characters getting drugged in like, the third scene? Fuckin' fantastic! And then we'd do a big dream sequence, like in 2001!" Jared's enthusiasm proved infectious. Andy immediately began ad-libbing.
"With mermaids! And dancing giraffes!"
"Yeah! And a big ball, everyone in dresses... we'd do a musical number!" Jared exclaimed.
"To something by Marylin Manson!" Andy added.
John slurred to semi-wakefulness for a single sentence. "A vury murry un-berfday to you..."
"Yes! Excellent!" Jared yelled, turning to Andy. "Quick! Get me a piece of paper. This genius _must_ be immortalized!"
Unhelpfully, Andy protested. "This is Japan, what makes you think anyone would have paper."
"This is a government institution. I shouldn't be able to spit without hitting at least two reams of the stuff!" Jared countered.
And then the door opened. The sometimes-fan-fiction authors turned towards the sound, and Angels sang. Sunlight slashed through the heavens and... oh wait, they're underground. In any case, the inspiration for all this silliness was the arrival of three of the four main babes of the series.
A saucy saunter carried Major Misato Katsuragi through the door. And her dress, and jacket, and badge, and unmentionables, and all of the wonderfully Misato-y bits that made the hot Major a hot Major. This included a sharp gaze reserved for the sort of people that tortured little kids for fun, and three Americans who just interrupted a battle for the fate of humanity. Since she had three Americans standing before her, and each of them was at least partially responsible for interrupting a battle for the fate of humanity, the sharp gaze was on them like a razor blade on a soft trachea.
Dr. Ritsuko Akagi barely offered the vertically-oriented duo a first glance as she entered, having reviewed the security camera footage en-route. The clipboard computer was tucked neatly under her arm, off, as she took up an easy stand to the Major's left.
Asuka Langley Zeppelin Sohryu was still wearing her fire-engine red plug suit. A yellow towel was looped around her neck, wet and limp. It was the type of towel usually described with words of derision, decrying inadequacies. It seemed sufficient to have thoroughly dried every inch of her plug suit, while leaving her hair wet and slick. Blue eyes blazed in barely- constrained fury, perfectly complimenting her rigid, aggressive stride. Cheeks colored by more than a modest blush framed the angry orbs.
The one on the bed was dressed in a black T-shirt with some kind of English lettering on it, faded blue jeans, and Chuck Taylors. His brown hair was meticulously trimmed, and a pair of stylish glasses were perched squarely on his round face despite the blanket underneath him looking like the aftermath of a wrestling match.
The taller one, standing, had short but unkempt black hair and beady brown eyes that darted across everything with an air of suspicion. He wore a massive Hawaiian shirt that consumed enough fabric to clothe at least a dozen Misato clones, so brightly colored and chaotically patterned that it hurt the eye to focus on it for more than a few seconds. His shorts weren't much better, but it was the worn sandals that made no sense. He appeared to be missing a fishing pole.
The smallest of the group, fit and trim, was dressed in slacks and a white undershirt over a lightly muscled frame. Thick blond hair crouched on his skull like an unruly mop super-glued in place. Blue-gray eyes behind slanted glasses stared at Asuka with anything but prurient intentions. He looked nervous, but paid no mind to security cameras, the armed Major, the authoritarian doctor, or to his associates. He had eyes only for the redhead Goddess.
To say that Jared was... indelicate in matters of negotiation is an understatement of epic proportions. The last person that called him subtle, in all seriousness, had literally died of irony. Nonetheless, Andy did not have a sterling track record of speaking equivocally with anyone, and his view of the female of the species was somewhat... unusual. Hell, he didn't talk to most people, period. So it was that Jared, against the good judgment of pretty much everyone, had to play spokesman for the trio.
"Ah... hello," he began tentatively.
Misato demanded identification and an explanation of why they weren't in shelters during the attack. The two standing boys stared at her dumbly. Well, the tall one looked at the wall behind her like it had kidnapped his dog, and the shorter one peered at her bust like a starving man who had just found a feast prepared by a gourmet chef.
He actually licked his lips before speaking directly to her cleavage. "Sorry babe, I only know about five words worth of Japanese, not counting food and cars."
Asuka's glare was so sharp she could have used it to skin tomatoes. "I'm translating," she said, the words coming out like poison.
Andy pulled back, distancing himself from his friend as a pedestrian would try to distance themselves from a gasoline-filled tanker crashing into a freight truck loaded with TNT.
Jared's smile was huge, a thousand innuendos hanging on the tip of his tongue. "A pleasure, Ms. Sohryu, as always."
Misato repeated her demand, glaring at Jared as she delivered it.
Jared pounced on the opening even as Asuka was opening her mouth. "An explanation? Sure. We have no idea how we got here, but the last thing I clearly remember before we showed up outside of Tokyo-3 was stupid here," Jared jerked a thumb at Andy "Putting the next Eva tape in the VCR. There was some special effects, then WHAMMO! We're in Tokyo-3. Actually, we weren't sure which Tokyo this was at first, but I guess we're lucky, eh?" He posed like he had just won the Nobel prize.
Asuka stared in shock for a minute, then spoke rapidly to Misato in Japanese. "He's an idiot, something about Evangelions and tapes I think. Maybe he's crazy. Maybe he's got brain damage. Maybe he escaped from asylum nearby and he bites people for fun and needs to be locked up."
Misato actually considered this for a moment, letting the silence drag out. Watching Jared's smile droop like ice cream on a hot summer afternoon.
Then the knocked-out American sat up abruptly. Not 'roused from slumber' sat up, but bolted instantly to the upright position, eyes still closed behind his glasses, which caught a lot of glare when he moved.
Loudly, he announced, "WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLEEEE!" Then collapsed onto the bed, snoring loudly.
While drugged kids, drunken frat boys, and wild satanic orgies had their place, this was a military base, and they were still on full alert. Misato turned to Asuka and told her to creatively threaten the lecherous one.
Asuka grinned evilly. "Misato says to cut the shit or she'll shoot you in the kneecap."
The tall boy leaned into the view, face curious. "Which one?" He asked the pilot.
The shorter shoved his friend aside. "Later, Andy."
The big one just smiled and said, "Well if it's my left kneecap I wouldn't mind as much."
More shoving. "I said not now, Andy."
The Major and the Doctor exchanged exasperated expression excessively and exclusively extending an exhausting over-use of similar words.
Misato quickly told Asuka to press them a little harder.
"Now she says she'll just shoot you in the nuts... Both of them. So spit it out." She didn't wait for the two arguing Americans to pay attention to her. She was the beautiful and powerful Asuka Langley-Sohryu, pilot of NERV's mightiest weapon, and when she talked, men listened. Whether they wanted to or not.
They listened. They stopped arguing.
Andy had put himself up against a wall again, and was eyeing the nearest vent like a rat finding an escape hatch on a sinking ship. Jared, fearless, opened his mouth, apparently to see just how far down his gullet his foot would fit before he was knocked unconscious by more sensible and violent parties. Or maybe he just had a death wish. Or maybe he was insane. Or maybe the sight of Asuka in a plug suit had shut off his meager higher brain functions. Certainly, he was NOT following my carefully prepared, perversion-free script, damn it!
He took a few steps towards Asuka, smiled again as he stopped just out of striking distance, and spoke. "I assure you personally that what fallows is nothing but the complete truth. While I would like nothing better to whisk you personally away for an evening to wine and dine, then fuck your brains out, I have more pressing matters to attend to." He ignored the way color rose to Asuka's cheeks and her hands balled into fists. Everyone ignored John's mumbling. "Namely, surviving. I take it living here with no identity, no history, no records and no one to trust can't be a good thing, so it's your help I need. Soon, however, I believe it's my help that you'll be needing."
Misato tapped her foot impatiently while she listened to Asuka's translation. They were crazy. This one was, certainly. The tall one looked more like a caged animal than a person, and the third one-who might normally be sane-was drugged out of his mind. Couldn't she get a god damn _name_ out of them?
However, Asuka had enough. Lip twitching, she whipped out a wooden mallet, and paused halfway to bringing it down on Jared's head. The mallet was perfect for pounding down perverts, but she was really going to need both hands free if she was going to choke him to death. Decisions, decisions…
Jared slid out of the path of the first lunge, almost looking like he did it by reflex. Asuka turned her attack, aiming up to rake at his eyes. He slid away again, as slippery as hot grease in puddle of warm spit sitting on melting ice. The third attack he blocked, and continued to move around, leading Asuka in a large circle through the room as he held her off with a bemused smirk. After Asuka knocked away John's IV stand, Jared kicked his friend off of the bed and used it (the bed) as a shield.
Misato sighed and called for security using the room's intercom, noting that the tall one had moved next to the Doctor, apparently ready to use her as a shield in much the same way Jared was using the hospital bed.
Then he did something odd, which was odd in and of itself, since everything he had done so far had been odd, and this last 'odd' thing was actually quite predictable. He shouted, "NINJA VANISH!"
Andy, who had been edging towards the light switch, and not Ritsuko, killed the lights. Asuka's scream of frustration almost drowned out the crash of the hospital bed hitting the floor.
In the darkness, John spoke. "Half a league, half a league, half a league onward. Into the valley of death rode the six hundred."
Ritsuko hit the switch only seconds later, to find the two conscious Americans gone, and Asuka's wrist caught in the remains of the hospital bed.
Then a string of muttered curses drew the attention of the NERV officers to Jared, hanging from the ceiling by his fingernails, and Andy, gripping some surface conduits in the corner. Jared, upon realizing he'd been spotted, quit cursing.
John was still partially upright, and spoke again. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for Asuka is in pursuit and that Valley's looking mighty fine in comparison."
"Amen, brotha." Andy and Jared replied simultaneously.
Asuka snarled something in the language of emotions. Jared dropped to the floor. He sighed, and did the first thing that came to mind.
He quoted anime.
"My name is Jared Waddell." As Andy dropped to the floor behind him like a predator, the shorter American actually looked abashed. "Sorry about this."
Twenty minutes of talk had John on a new bed, Asuka bandaged up, Ryoji Kaji on hand to translate, and confusion throttling the minds of the NERV ladies.
The new bed and bandages were policy. Kaji was called in because Asuka refused to 'endure' Jared any more.
The confusion was thanks to one Andy Mucha, who was moving his mouth and making sounds in response to a bewildering array of questions for Kaji. 'Answer,' being, of course, not exactly the right word.
John had woken at some point, but a new IV had come part and parcel with the new bed. The duct tape over his mouth was care of Asuka.
"This is crazy," Jared commented.
"Mmmrghff," John agreed.
"I know, but some more work and it'll work. Have some faith!"
"MmmRRRRghhhummm."
"Trust me, this story idea is brilliant. It even gives me another idea for how to handle Asuka. Man, she is short tempered."
"MmmmMMmmmm."
"Yeah, maybe if I wasn't such a per-HEY! This is all Andy's fault anyhow."
John didn't reply. Probably because there was nothing more to be said, probably because his words were falling on truly deaf ears. Even possibly because he couldn't actually make out any words, and was more profoundly unable to think clearly than the East Indian dope smoking team. But if anyone had to guess, it was probably because Andy was busy using John's bed to hit Jared in the face, and John was a polite man, waiting for Andy to finish before he offered his commentary.
"Mmmmnnnmmnnmnmrrrr."
Kaji pointed at John and asked Ritsuko, "Isn't anyone going to unhook that kid from the bag?"
Misato shook her head. Asuka shook her head. Jared woke up and shook his head. Andy bashed Jared on the noggin and shook his head. John leapt to his feet, thrust a fist in the air, muttered something, shook his head, and collapsed. Andy caught him on the way down with the bed, then went back to ans-tal-making sounds at Kaji.
A few minutes later, when Jared woke up, he pulled out the IV and began tying a dizzying array of knots in the plastic tube.
Kaji appeared done with his interrogation for the moment. In Japanese, he asked Ritsuko how long John would be out.
Ritsuko answered her colleague in their native tongue. "It may be a while. He's taken in a lot. I don't know how he survived the explosion with no loss of limb, no burn marks, nothing. He was just twitching and was covered in blood. It's the oddest thing."
Jared put down his IV-cat knot. "Um, from the looks you're giving John there, I would assume you're wondering what happened to him?"
Kaji spoke for the group. "Among other things."
"Somehow John has hired Hollywood's greatest propmen and recreated a scene out of Total Recall in under fifteen seconds." Andy said.
Everyone stared.
"I don't think so. There's no such scene in Total Recall."
"Yes there is," Andy insisted. "The one with the guys that Arnold kills."
"You just described every action movie starring Arnold Swarzenagger. Look, somehow John came up with a pint of movie blood, found a nearby location damaged from a missed round from the pistols the Evas use and made like Prince's career."
Everyone stared at Jared.
Misato said something, Kaji translating immediately. "And does John usually carry around pints of human blood?"
Andy and Jared shrugged, Andy answering, "Only when he needs to."
Jared blinked. "Seriously? You've known him longer than I have."
"Actually, I have no idea where-"
Jared pointed a finger at Misato. "Wait, you said human blood?"
The Major nodded.
Jared licked his lips, then went back to his knots.
Ritsuko's words, translated by Kaji, "His same blood type. If it was corn syrup of something similar, we'd have detected it, but the only thing we couldn't find was the wound."
Andy was suddenly standing over John's prone form. "You slick SOB."
Misato's cell rang. She answered it quickly.
"Moshi moshi?" Her back went ramrod straight a second later, and she began answering questions in rapid-fire Japanese. Even to the clueless Americans, her replies sounded very formal.
Andy whispered to Jared, "Must be Gendo on the line."
Jared whispered back, "Don't you just love the way, her jacket parts and her tits stick out when she comes to attention?"
Kaji whispered to the pair, "Item one, all you get to do is enjoy the view. Item two, I'm probably under too much stress right now, but I actually believe your story."
Jared to Andy, "What did you tell him?"
Andy to no-one in particular, "I was being asked questions?"
Misato shouted in surprise. Kaji reacted in kind, Ritsuko lodging her complaint over his words. Then Asuka joined in the din of Japanese yelling.
"Japanese is the most awesome language for reaming someone out." Jared observed.
Andy tapped at his chin in 'thought.' "I suspect 'baka' is a term of mutual respect."
Misato hung up her phone, offered a brief explanation to the others, with lots of eye-catching shrugging.
Ritsuko finally sat down with her head in her hands, muttering. Asuka grabbed the only other available chair, looking sick.
Silence claimed the room like the cold hand of death on a wintry November afternoon, about three p.m. Wednesday. Forty-three degrees with a five mile per hour wind out of the northeast. Slightly overcast. Possible frost after nightfall.
Andy began waving his arms around like a maniac, which got the attention of exactly no-one because everyone knew he was a complete maniac by this point. "Heeellloooo? Are we suddenly invisible?"
This touched off another round of impassioned arguing in a foreign language.
Andy whispered to Jared, "Does this remind you of..."
"Yes."
Kaji said, and got the Americans' attention, the unconscious git excluded. "Well fellas, I don't know who you are, but it seems that you made quite an impression on the old man. Welcome to NERV."
Andy and Jared made high fives and danced victoriously, and very badly. "Fan fiction convention saves us again!" They crowed.
Asuka pulled out the mallet.
End Chapter 1
A note from the author: Hello, and welcome! There's nothing in here you need to read to enjoy the story, so if you're in a hurry, move on! If you stuck around, prepare to be educated! Okay, I'm going to cover some basics in this note. Namely, this isn't the original form of the TGE story. This story used to be in script format, kind of like a movie or a play (ever read Shakespeare's work?), but beefed up more. It's a strange product of the anime fanfiction clique that spawned the idea. It works well for drafting out stories, but in this case, we felt the story didn't deserve or need "real" writing effort. We've let it languish thusly. Not to long ago, however, something weird happened. One of my co-authors wrote up a scene in this story where we used a joke from a primetime TV show. To put it bluntly, the joke sucked. I mean, it was horrible compared to even our lame efforts in this tale. Even though we've yet to admit it ourselves, I think it's pretty clear now that this story is aiming higher than we thought. It was supposed to be surreal humor that went nowhere, and now its… well, I'm getting ahead of myself. You'll have to read it to see where we went (should I say still going?) with this concept. The work, after all, speaks for itself.