A/N: This story didn't turn out anything like I thought it would. I was just planning on writing a short little oneshot to write out my own personal feelings about why Puck acted the way he did this past episode, but it turned into something a bit more complicated, and at the same time a little less angsty than I wanted it to be (I swear I always end up trying to write an angsty story and it turns into complete fluff!). But I'm still pretty happy with the way it turned out. I might write a second chapter, because, as you'll see at the end, I could easily continue, but for now this is just a oneshot. If you want, you can think of this as a prequel to one of my other Quick stories, Mohawks. I think it fits pretty well with that story, although there are some noticable differences between the two...
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. This world belongs to Ryan Murphy and Fox. I'm just playing with it. The title and lyrics in this story are taken from a song by The Fray.
I'm breakin down and you're breathing slowly
Say the word and I will be your man, your man, say when
And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight
Say when
And my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight
Say when
This wasn't how things were supposed to end up.
Puck was only doing what Mercedes told him to do. Because, like it or not, Mercedes had been right about one thing - Quinn has chosen Finn. So he had to back off. It was all he could do. He could wait for her forever, but there was no telling if she'd ever take the step to be with him - to choose him over Finn.
So Puck stopped the celibate life he'd been living for over a month and decided to hook back up with Santana. He didn't love Santana. He didn't even really care about her too much, bad as it sounded. But at least Santana wanted him. He wasn't second best to her. And that felt kind of good, even though he knew that in the end it would never amount to anything. He and Santana were not meant to be together. They both knew it. But why couldn't they have fun in the mean time?
And then Quinn screwed everything up. Just when he was starting to accept that she would never want him, she threw him a line. She wanted him to babysit with her. Not Finn, him. It was some sort of miracle. He accepted without hesitation of course (any chance to spend with Quinn he would take).
But then he was confused. Why, after she had made a point to tell him that she would never tell Finn the truth, did she suddenly want to get close to him? Wouldn't that just make an even bigger mess of things? And if she wanted to get close to him, did that mean she was reconsidering this whole thing? That she wanted to tell Finn that Puck was the real father, that she wanted to be with him? He had no clue, but he'd hoped he would figure it out.
And then he screwed everything up.
He shouldn't have sexted Santana while he and Quinn were babysitting. Santana had known he was with Quinn, which was probably why she'd sent him her very tempting sext the second he'd stepped foot into Mrs. Shue's sister's house. He shouldn't have replied. But he did. And he regretted it the second afterward because he knew his reply would be one of many. Santana's sexts were hard to resist, and he was no saint.
He hadn't thought Quinn would find out about it. He should've known, though, since Santana was quite territorial and would no doubt make it clear to Quinn that Puck belonged to her. And Santana did tell her, and Quinn wasn't happy about it. He could have apologized, told her that he was wrong to have texted Santana while they were babysitting, that he hoped she could understand that he really did care about Quinn.
Instead he decided to be an ass.
He wasn't even sure why. He just kind of lost it when she came to him and told him that she thought he wanted to be with her. Because while it gave him the hope that just maybe Quinn wanted him too, it also made him wonder if she was messing with him, and he couldn't deal with that. That defensive side of him came up and he guarded his heart from the only girl in his life who he'd ever considered giving it to.
Now she probably thought even less of him then she used to.
He immediately regretted it too, just as he had with the texts. It was another big mistake, one he wasn't sure he could fix. Because he saw her later that day with Finn's arm around her. He knew then that any hope he had with her was gone. She had chosen Finn once again.
But he had to make things right. Even if she didn't want him, he needed to make sure she knew that he did care about her. So he would do it today, after Glee. He was going to fix things. He would make sure of it.
888
She didn't want things to be this way.
When Quinn had asked Puck to babysit with her, she'd thought that maybe it would be the start of something. Maybe she and Puck could try to be together, raise their daughter together. She'd had high hopes, too. When the night had ended, she felt like she was walking on air. Because she and Puck had done it, and they'd done it together. They'd successfully tamed three obnoxious children, and found that it actually wasn't so hard. It was even a little fun, and it left her feeling more than satisfied; if they could watch three rowdy, hyperactive boys, a baby would be a breeze. She now knew she could do it. And Puck could too.
But she was wrong.
Puck hadn't been texting Mike Chang the whole night; he'd been sexting Santana, who he was apparently casually dating once more. It wasn't even the fact that he was dating Santana (because, really, what else could she expect? That he'd wait around for her when she'd given him every reason not to?). No, that wasn't what bothered her (although she would be a liar if she said it didn't bother her just a little). It was the fact that he'd lied to her, and then, when she did find out, proceeded to act like it was no big deal. He was a guy and guys liked sex. And since she wasn't giving him sex, he would have to get it somewhere else. To him, it was as simple as that.
She shouldn't have set her hopes so high. She thought he had changed, that he wanted to be with her and only her. She was wrong again.
All she had wanted was an apology. Something to prove that he at least cared a little about what she thought of him, and that she wasn't making a mistake choosing him over Finn. But he had done everything wrong and now she was back to square one. She had secured her relationship with Finn and was back to deciding to giving her baby away. The only comfort she had was that the baby would have an amazing father— better, she was sure, than Finn or Puck could be (although, in the back of her mind, she knew Puck could be a great dad, but he would need another chance to prove that to her, and she wasn't willing to give him that chance. Not right now, at least).
Still, she wasn't sure she was making the right decision. She loved this baby. She didn't even know when it had happened, but she knew that she did. The idea of giving her daughter away was more painful than she could have ever imagined. She wasn't sure she could go through with it. But she had to. After Puck had proven he wasn't the guy she thought he was, she had no other choice. Because if she had discovered one thing during these past few months it was that she did not want to raise a baby with anyone other than Puck. When she had come to that conclusion, she wasn't sure, but she could not imagine raising a child with Finn, and living a lie for the rest of her life. It wouldn't work. So now that Puck was no longer an option, she didn't know what else to do other than to give their daughter away.
She had been ignoring Puck the past few days. Frankly, she wasn't sure what to say to him, and he certainly hadn't made an attempt to come see her. He'd been giving her those looks of his -- the ones with the puppy dog eyes that told her he was sorry. And she did believe it (eyes don't lie). But she needed to hear it from his own mouth. She needed to understand why he was acting the way he was. But she would wait until he came to her. He owed that to her.
888
Glee practice was over and for the fourth consecutive day, Puck slipped out of the choir room without a word to Quinn. Disappointment flooded her, but she was used to it. It wasn't like she expected anything out of him anymore.
She grabbed her things and headed out alone. Finn was talking to Mr. Shue about a new song he and Rachel were taking the leads in (big surprise, there), and by the looks of things, it was going to be awhile before they were done. She decided to wait outside by Finn's car. It was too stuffy inside, and she really needed some air.
She had just made it out the front entrance when a hand wrapped around her wrist. She twisted around in surprise. Puck stared down at her, his eyes soft and, not unusually, apologetic. At her kinked eyebrow, he quickly dropped her hand, before taking a deep breath."I'm sorry," he said. The earlier disappointment started to die, and hope sprang forth.
She didn't say anything, though. She wanted an explanation from him before she did the forgiving. He seemed to sense this, as he continued, "I was wrong for the way I acted towards you. I just hope you know that I didn't really mean what I said...about sleeping around, I mean. If I was with you, if we were together, I would never sleep with other girls. Sex isn't what I love about you. I don't need it...I just..." He shook his head, letting out a long sigh, and she hid a smile at his rambling. "I'm sorry," he ended simply.
"I know, Puck," she said, giving him a gentle nod, letting him know that she did understand.
He scratched the back of his head nervously. "I'm sorry about the whole Santana thing too. I don't even really like her. I was just...well, kind of frustrated with everything and I needed a little distraction from it all, you know? But it was wrong for me to text her while you and I were babysitting. I really am sorry about that."
"I know," she said again. She wasn't sure what else to tell him. His apologies meant a lot to her, but at the same time, they didn't change what had happened, how he'd acted towards her, the immaturity he'd shown. As a good a guy he really was, she wasn't sure the two of them could raise a daughter together.
As if he was reading her mind, he spoke again, "But here's the thing. I did mean what I said when I said that I could be a good father, but I'm not going to change who I am to do it. I can't be perfect, Quinn."
"I don't expect you to be," she defended. "I just expect you to grow up a little, which I really don't think is unreasonable, considering you're going to be a father and all."
"And I'm working on it. But I'm not gonna magically grow up over night. It just doesn't work that way. It's gonna take time, Quinn. A lot of it. And even then, I'm always gonna be Puck." His lips twitched into his adorable grin. "No one can tame me."
"I don't want to, Puck. Believe me, I like you for you. Granted, I do kind of like this new side of you I've been seeing, but I like all sides of you, and I don't want to change you. But I do expect some things from you. Life isn't going to be a piece of cake when this baby comes. If I keep her, I'm going to need someone I can trust at my side, and right now, I just don't know if I can trust you."
His face fell, and she was surprised to see that he almost looked hurt. But then his eyes softened and he nodded slowly, looking her right in the eye. "Okay. I understand that."
She was surprised at how easy he caved in, how he didn't even attempt to argue. "You do?"
"Of course," he said with a shrug. "I am Noah Puckerman, after all. I'm not exactly the greatest example of how a guy should act in a relationship. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to prove that you can trust me. And not just with our baby, because even with the sexting I was doing the other night, I think I proved that I can take care of kids. I'm gonna prove that you can trust me with you. I can be a good boyfriend, I know I can."
Her eyes narrowed. "Puck, I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend."
"I know you're not, but let's face it, the road we're going down right now is eventually going to lead to that. We're having a kid together for God's sake. We're always going to be connected. And I don't think you can deny that attraction we've got going on." As if to prove his point, he took a step closer to her, his hand grazing her bare arm, and grinned down at her. His eyes latched intensely onto hers, and her heart skipped a beat. No, she definitely could not deny the attraction. "Eventually we'll be together," he continued. "Might take a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe even years, but it'll happen. You and I both know that. So the way I see things, I might as well prove that you can trust me before we take the next step. That way, when we do get together, we'll have all our shit together and focus on just being a family."
She tried very hard to look away as his hand moved up and down her arm and eventually caressed her cheek, but she was failing miserably. Puck had a hold on her. She wasn't sure when it had happened, but the feelings she had for him went far beyond friendship, and the attraction she felt towards him was off the charts. Which was completely wrong considering the fact that she was with Finn. But she didn't want to be with Finn. Not anymore. She wanted Puck, and she wanted him bad.
She was about to close the distance between them (and betray her boyfriend once more), but to her surprise, Puck had pulled away before she even had a chance to make a move. He took a step back, thrust his hands into his letterman pockets, and sent her a soft smile.
"Your boyfriend's gonna be here any minute."
Finn. Yes, Finn was her boyfriend, not Puck. She had told Finn just the other day that she wanted to be in love again, and then he'd told her he'd loved her, and she really believed that he did. So how would he react to all of this? How would he feel when he learned that she didn't really love him back? She had once thought that he would be relieved, but now more than ever it seemed as if he was truly committed to her and their child. The thought of telling him the truth was a scary one. He would be devastated.
She didn't have much time to dwell on this, though, because, right on cue, the door swung open and Finn and Rachel came walking out.
"Hey, guys," Finn cheerfully said. "What are you up to?" Sometimes Quinn wondered about him. He'd caught her and Puck together many times, and yet he didn't seem to suspect a thing. Probably because he trusted her completely, which only made her feel worse.
"Oh, we were just having a little friendly chat," Puck said, a very convincing grin on his face as he tried his best to act like that's all their conversation had been.
When Quinn looked over at Rachel, she found the brunette observing her with an odd smirk on her face. She glared at her questioningly, but Rachel just looked back at Finn, her eyes lighting up with obvious adoration.
Finn slung an arm around Quinn. "We should probably get going. Mom's making mac and cheese tonight and I want to make sure we're there when it comes right out of the oven. It gets all crusty and hard when it's been sitting out awhile." He made a face. "It's gross."
"Can't have that," Quinn said. She shared a glance with Puck, who, unlike the previous times where Finn had interrupted them, actually looked sincerely happy. He was smiling softly over at her, his eyes soft and warmed as they penetrated her own. She wondered about this change in mood, why he was suddenly so much more positive seeing her and Finn together. Maybe it was because he knew the end was near.
"Later, guys," Finn said and Quinn could do nothing as her boyfriend led her to his car. She didn't dare look back since she was pretty sure Rachel now suspected something between her and Puck, but it was okay. Because it felt like she was going in the right direction again.
And maybe, just maybe, she would be able to keep her baby.
888
Puck watched her walk away, Finn's arm wrapped securely around her, and surprisingly, he didn't feel so bad. He knew why, too. It was because he wasn't Quinn's second best. She wanted to be with him. She hadn't outright said it, but he could tell. He was good at reading people, always had been. Quinn was actually typically hard to read, but when it came to him, she was as easy as they came. She liked him. She saw a potential future with him. She wouldn't have asked him to babysit if she didn't. And she wouldn't have been as pissed about this all if there were no feelings on her part.
"You are so in love with her."
He hadn't even noticed that Rachel was still standing there, looking positively smug as she smirked up at him. He rolled his eyes, ignoring the comment, and began to head over to his truck. Unfortunately, Berry was following close behind.
"Don't deny it, Noah. You want to be with her. You love her!"
"I don't love her," he said, trying his best not shove her out of his way when she came to a stop right in front of the door to his truck. But he wouldn't hurt a girl. It was a rule in his book that he would not break. "Get out my way, Berry."
She crossed her arms. "You can deny it all you want, but I've never seen anything more obvious in my life. I think it's cute, though. I've never seen you pine over a girl before."
He sighed. There was no way he was going to get this girl off his back unless he gave her something to work with. "Aren't you gonna say something like, back off, Quinn wants Finn, not you, she's having his baby, blah, blah, blah."
Rachel laughed. "Do you really think I'd say something like that? Besides the fact that I want Finn for myself, I think it's clear that your feelings for her aren't one-sided. I've seen the way she looks at you. She thinks she's being subtle, but I'm not blind. I also learned that the reason Kurt gave me a make-over the other day was because Quinn asked him to do it. She said it was because my fashion sense was bringing the Glee club down, but then I heard that she had asked you to babysit with her, and I put two and two together."
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He wasn't quite sure what she was trying to say. He didn't have a clue about any makeover with Kurt. "What?"
"Quinn wanted to distract Finn with me so he wouldn't know you were babysitting with her." She smiled widely. "She was very smart to know that I was the best person for the job."
"Oh. Was that why you were dressed like a ho the other day?"
She glared at him. "You're missing the point," she said warily. "Quinn wants you too!"
"Tell me something I don't know."
Rachel's eyes widened in surprise. He worked her shock to his advantage as he finally managed to brush past her and slip into his car. Before he could close the door, though, she had her hand on the door handle. "So she's told you how she feels?"
"No." He started the engine, pushed her hand away from the door, and shut it. "Do me a favor, Berry. Don't meddle with any of this. My relationship with Quinn is fragile enough. I need to do things on my own terms."
To his surprise, Rachel simply nodded. "Fine. But you should know that I'm rooting for you both."
"Because you want Finn?"
She smiled. "That, and because the only time I have ever seen you give a real smile, not one of those forced, showy smiles you put on in front of the rest of us, was today, when Finn and I walked in on you two talking. I've never seen you look at someone the way you looked at her. Noah, I know you don't care too much for me— even when we dated I could tell you were never really interested in me— but I do care about you. I want you to be happy, and you're happy with Quinn. It's as simple as that."
"Huh." He looked down at the steering wheel, feeling a bit awkward. Rachel had always been very open with her feelings. Him, not so much. But he did appreciate her words. It actually meant a lot. "Thanks," he said, looking back at her. "And for the record, I'm rooting for you and Finn. But only because I want Quinn for myself." She just chuckled, and he smiled too, putting the car and drive and beginning to pull forward before adding, "And because I want you to be happy. But you didn't hear me say that."
And with that, he sped off.
888
A few days went by. He saw her in the halls, sometimes walked with her to class, ate lunch with her and Finn, talked to her in Glee. Everything was fine between them. Their friendship was back on track. It didn't seem as if she was anywhere near ready to tell Finn the truth, but that was okay. He knew by now that if he ever wanted to be with Quinn, he would have to be patient. The way he saw it, he was on standby. Whenever Quinn was ready for him, he would be ready too. All she needed to do was say when.
In the meantime, he would just have to prove himself to her. Which was why, right after Glee practice that Friday, he pulled Santana aside and broke things off.
"I think we both know we're going nowhere," he said.
She glared across the choir room at Quinn. "You like her, don't you?"
He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I just don't think we're working."
He didn't let her say anything else. Instead, he slung his backpack over his shoulders, ignored Rachel Berry's knowing smile as he slipped out the door, and headed to the parking lot.
He was a little surprised when Quinn caught up with him at the main entrance of the school, right where they'd talked a few days ago.
"You broke up with her?" she asked.
"Yup."
She was trying to hide her pleasure, but he saw right through her. He leaned against the door and sent her a smirk. "You know, people are starting to talk."
"What do you mean?"
"Rachel knows how I feel about you. So does Santana. And..." He wasn't sure if now was the time, but, as he spotted Mercedes jumping into Kurt's SUV, he knew he had to tell her that someone else knew their secret. "Mercedes knows everything."
Quinn's eyes almost popped out of her sockets. "Everything?"
He nodded. "Yeah. But don't worry. Apparently, she doesn't find the fact that I'm your babydaddy too interesting. She said that I need to back off, that you chose Finn, and I needed to accept that you didn't want me. I did try to do accept it, too, but the result ended up with the whole sexting incident... I think I'm not going to listen to anything Mercedes says anymore. Even Rachel gives better advice than her."
"So that's why you got back together with Santana," she said thoughtfully. "I wish you had told me all this before. I would have actually understood why you acted the way you did."
"I didn't want to put all the blame on the whole thing with Mercedes. Fact is, I didn't have to sext Santana while we were babysitting, and I didn't have to react the way I did when you called me out on it. But I did, and I did that all on my own. I won't blame anyone else for my actions."
Quinn nodded slowly. Silence took over. They were completely alone now. He didn't have a clue where Finn was, if he was still in the choir room, or if he was headed their way, but he didn't really care. And neither did Quinn, apparently. She took his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, her other hand caressing his arm.
"Mercedes was right. I did choose Finn." His heart dropped at her words, but then she continued, "But it was the wrong choice. And, more than anything, it was the selfish choice. I thought Finn was the better guy, that he would be a better father, but that was before I really knew you. Puck, do you realize that we've been in the same group of friends since kindergarten and yet, until these past few months, we've never really taken the time to actually get to know each other? But I know you now. And I know that you're great guy, with a good heart, and you are going to be the most amazing father. I couldn't have chosen a better man to have a baby with."
He couldn't take it any longer. It was just too much. He was pulling her into his arms, and his lips were on hers before she could say another word. Rachel was right. He did love Quinn. He couldn't help it.
She didn't even try to resist him. Her lips moved against his in perfect motion, his hands ran up and down her back until they came rest on the back of her neck. He didn't even care that he was now pushing her against a glass door, that anyone could see them though it. It didn't matter anymore. Because she wanted him. Nothing else mattered.
When they finally broke apart, he rested his forehead against hers and ran a hand through her soft blond hair. And then she surprised him once more. "I'm keeping the baby," she said.
The smile on his lips widened. "Really?"
She nodded. "I was going to give her away, but I can't. I don't want to..."
"You want us to be a family?" he asked hopefully.
Her nod was enough to make his heart go crazy with joy. He had never expected things to move this fast between them, never expected that she would let him in so easily, that she would trust him so quickly. But he was not complaining. And he would prove to her over and over again that she could trust him. He was not going to let her down this time.
His lips lingered over hers, and he wondered for a second if this all was really happening, if he wasn't having a very good dream. But then he was kissing her again, and, as he ran his hand along the bare skin of her arm, he knew that this was very real.
"What the hell?"
And then he realized that their reality wasn't as blissful as it should be, and it would be a long time before it would be again.
Because Finn was standing in front of them, his face a jumble of confusion, horror, and, ultimately, betrayal. Their secret was finally out, and there was nothing they could do to deny it. It was a good thing, he knew, because Finn really did need to know the truth, but this was not the way Puck would have chosen to tell him.
Things were going to be bad for awhile. Finn would probably throw a few punches his way, and he would take them because he knew he deserved them. And then Quinn and Finn would breakup and she would move in with him. Finn would probably hate him for awhile too. He doubted their friendship would ever be the same. The whole school would be gossiping about them once again and he was sure they'd have plenty of slushies thrown their way. He didn't know how all of their friends would react, if Rachel would still be on their side once she knew the whole truth about him and Quinn and what they'd done to Finn. He also wasn't sure if the Glee kids would turn against them, if he and Quinn would be left to fend for themselves from here on out.
But in the end he found it didn't really matter. Because as long as he had Quinn his side, Puck would be okay.
So he gave Quinn a small, encouraging nod before turning to look at his best friend. They were going to face Finn, and they were going to do it together. That was all that mattered.
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