Mental Health Day
Summary: "Window of Opportunity" comfort!fic. Jack is nearing the end of his rope after a few hundred repetitions of the day and Sam helps take his mind off of it.
Rating: PG
Mental Health Day
Carter was quizzing him enthusiastically about what it was like being stuck in a time loop, and he cut her off with a wave of the hand and an angry noise. Nothing snapped inside, but something in there definitely wanted to, and it felt like a dangerous something, so he had no intention of letting that happen. He was exhausted, frustrated, starting to lose hope, and not nearly as unmoved by what he was being subjected to as he was leading the others to believe.
The several loops he and Teal'c had "taken off" had been nothing more than an attempt to keep himself sane, but it was starting to feel like it had failed miserably. A few days of fun couldn't change the fact that he no longer even knew how long they'd been going through this. He'd been past 150 loops when he'd given up counting them, and that had been weeks ago, at the very least.
Carter was staring at him, something like worry showing on her face. It would have irritated him if he hadn't known how close he really was to breaking. She was right to be concerned.
"I need a day off," he told her, shrugging. It didn't quite reflect the desperation starting to creep into his mind, but showing it would have meant acknowledging the feeling and giving it power. "I've been doing this for months. I'm starting to feel like a POW in my own goddamned Command!"
He hadn't meant to shout the last words, but at least it got Carter's attention.
"Sir," she whispered, stepping closer and wearing an expression of such profound concern and affection that it was almost physically painful to observe. He didn't even have to say what was really on his mind, probably couldn't have accurately described that trapped feeling if he'd tried. The idea was entirely hers, even if it was one he could support wholeheartedly. "Let's get you out of here."
It was a suggestion so unlike her that he had to stare for a second to make sure he wasn't just imagining what he wanted to hear. She looked uncomfortable with it, and why not? She was the by-the-books one in their little band of fools. Or, she was as close as they came to filling that role as someone could be who dealt with aliens for a living and specialized in outside-the-box thinking. Still, she was a soldier proposing they go AWOL and that was daunting in the special kind of way that an army of Jaffa would never be.
"You don't have to be a part of this, Carter," he offered, not wanting her to get into trouble, even if the situation would reset itself in a few hours.
"Someone needs to keep you out of trouble," she pointed out, smirking a tiny bit. "Besides, I've always wanted to do something completely crazy and irresponsible and I think going AWOL with my CO counts."
He snorted at that, shaking his head. "You spend too much time with me. I'm turning into a bad influence."
She smiled at that, heading for the elevator. "Maybe a bad influence is the one thing I was always missing in life."
He smiled at that, following and trying not to think about the kiss he'd stolen from her in one of the recent loops. Her enthusiastic reaction then had him wondering. Maybe he wouldn't have to ambush her this time? One day, no consequences…
Well, none for her. He'd have to live with anything he did today, and this was Carter. That alone made him reluctant to do anything he'd regret. Or anything he might enjoy too much. His feelings for her, and hers for him, were a double-edged sword in a situation like this. Yes, they could get away with anything, but he wasn't sure he could handle living with memories that she didn't also have. It was hard enough coping with his feelings for her already. Better to keep today friendly, safer.
"What's wrong?" she asked, frowning up at him as he sighed.
"Nothing, Carter. Nothing," he assured her, forcing a smile. "Just thinking it's a shame we're on a limited time table. I've always wanted to spit off the top of the Empire State Building…"
"Sir!" she giggled, shaking her head.
"What?" he countered with an innocent smile. "At least I didn't say pee."
"Anything in particular you want to do with your mental health day?" she asked, ignoring his joke.
He shrugged. It didn't really matter what he did today, just that he not be trapped under a mountain, and not have to think about the current crisis. Just one day of being as close to normal as a guy like him could be. Sunlight, fresh air, human beings he didn't save the world with, a beautiful woman on his arm...
"What do you do for fun?" he asked her.
She hesitated and he could see her actually stopping to think about the question. Presumably, she was searching for pastimes that didn't involve being on base. Finally, in an answer that wasn't as surprising as it should have been, she suggested, "We could go to the Planetarium and make fun of the inaccuracies in the show."
He choked a tiny bit, staring at her and asking in a carefully deadpan tone, "Have you actually done that before, Carter?"
Her slightly shifty expression was answer enough, and he had to laugh. She was just such an endearing dork, when she wasn't being a badass soldier and brilliant scientist.
"That actually does sound like fun," he admitted, grinning at her.
"All right. We should change out of our uniforms, though. If we're going to go AWOL, we really should do it right."
She might have been joking, but he started to doubt it about the time they dumped her motorcycle on a car rental lot and hopped a bus. Not that there was much chance of pursuit; they'd only be gone a few hours and Hammond was an understanding man, but Carter clearly didn't want to take any chances. She wanted their afternoon together to be completely uninterrupted by anyone from the SGC.
"You've given some thought to how to go AWOL before, haven't you?" he teased as they settled down near the back of the bus.
"No, my time with the SGC just taught me a thing or two about escaping pursuit and blending in with the natives," she answered, giving him a smile that was too sweetly innocent to be remotely convincing. At his raised eyebrow, she shrugged and pointed out, "We have enemies on this planet, too. Just better to have a plan in place."
"That's the kind of paranoia I expect from myself, not you," he admitted, frowning a little.
"You're a bad influence, remember? Or a good one," she added with a little shrug, leaning over a bit and resting her cheek against his shoulder.
He swallowed hard at that, staring down at her and doing his best to ignore the way she'd managed to make some little piece of him feel like a kid being allowed to hold hands with a pretty girl for the first time. After everything he'd been through in his life, after having shared a very passionate kiss with her not too many loops ago, after they'd both agreed that nothing could ever happen, it was a shockingly inappropriate reaction to her leaning against him a little.
"Is this all right?" she whispered, glancing up at him.
"It's… fine, Carter," he answered quietly, slowly sliding an arm around her shoulders. "One day, no consequences."
She gave a soft 'humph' in answer to that, and it didn't sound like agreement. But she still pressed a little closer and shut her eyes, remaining like that until the bus stopped at their corner. They must have looked like a long-established couple, comfortable in their intimacy and not giving a damn who knew it. He missed relationships like that, and the idea of one with Carter was-
Dangerous.
He helped her up at their stop, but refused to let himself think about what it would be like to share this with her on any kind of regular basis. What they normally had was enough. He wouldn't risk team morale, let alone Carter's military career, chasing dreams. With her abilities and dedication, she'd make General before many more years. If nothing interfered with her rise. He didn't intend to let that happen. Period. Even if it meant never changing their relationship from the professional.
It was late morning and the Planetarium was almost completely empty. He let Carter pick their seats, since she was an astrophysicist and would know where the best seat in the house was, and they actually managed to chat about things completely unrelated to work until the show started. It was, visually, an impressive show, but even an amateur astronomer like him knew he was being fed the Disney version of actual science. Carter cracked up before the presenter even left the solar system, burying her face in his shoulder and giggling softly between whispered protests about how horrible and oversimplified it all was. He caught the phrase, "not even part of the Oort Cloud," at one point, and she groaned, shaking with suppressed laughter.
He caught himself chuckling in response to her reaction, and totally lost track of the actual show as he watched her cheerfully-but-scathingly rip apart the presentation. He'd seen her in a lot of situations, but he wasn't sure he'd ever seen her so unrestrained and completely at ease. This wasn't just Sam in a casual situation, but Sam entirely relaxed and uninhibited. It was strangely adorable, and he was glad that she was comfortable enough to show this side of herself to him, knowing he'd remember it even after she forgot. It was a shame she would forget, but the trust she was showing in him left a pleasantly warm feeling in his chest.
It was hard to tell who was grinning more widely by the end of the show. Smiling and watching her wipe amused tears from her eyes, he climbed to his feet, then helped her up as well.
"You're right," he admitted, "that was fun."
"Right? When they talked about Near Earth Objects?" she laughed, nodding. "And everything people think they know about wormholes…"
He had to laugh at that. He hadn't actually been paying attention to the show by that point, but she was right. He got a chuckle out of it every time a scientific documentary mentioned wormholes. For a scientist who studied them, the amusement-factor must have been a hundred times stronger. No wonder she had cracked up.
There was a park next to the Planetarium, and Carter took his hand, tugging him in that direction. "Come on. You could use a few hours in the sun."
He glanced down at his watch, uncomfortably aware that they didn't actually have hours left. "At least this happened on a nice day. Shame there's no good fishing around here," he added, forcing a smile he didn't feel.
He'd actually managed to forget, for a little while at least, that his pleasant day out with her would be rudely aborted far too soon. Suddenly, he wasn't sure what he'd expected to accomplish with a day off the base. He and Teal'c would have to get back to the translations soon, before they forgot everything they'd learned so far and had to start fresh. And, when they did, today would seem like a pointless waste, at best. At worst, he'd managed to share some moments with Carter that would only amplify his inappropriate affection for her.
Forcing himself not to regret it, he followed her into the park and sat down next to her in the grass. It must have been a school day because the park, like the Planetarium, was almost empty. The sun felt amazing on his face after far too many loops spent underground, and he lay back to enjoy it, looping his arms behind his head and smiling up at Carter where she sat next to him.
"Thanks for today. I feel a little less ready to explode."
"Good," she answered, slowly reaching down and touching his hair. A few more moments, and a hesitant look later, and her hand stroked over his hair, gently petting. "You deserve…" She trailed off, shrugging and looking awkward.
They were treading dangerous territory, and he was tempted to change the subject. Before he could, though, she was sliding down next to him, resting her cheek against his upper arm and pressing close. Laying on her side, she draped an arm across his chest, sighing softly and leaning up to kiss his cheek. 'Dangerous territory' was suddenly far behind them. This was the kind of behavior that could lead to an official inquiry if the wrong person saw it. She was savvy enough to know it, too.
"Carter," he began, clearing his throat and resisting the urge to squirm. It felt too good, laying in this casual near-embrace with her. "We really shouldn't."
"One day, no consequences," she answered quietly, tangling a hand in his hair and playing her fingertips lightly against his scalp.
He closed his eyes at that, breath catching and body trembling. It had been far too long since a woman had paid him this kind of attention, and his body reacted as strongly as his mind. It was Carter, she wanted him as much as he wanted her, and she was showing it. In a setting where neither could actually act on it, granted, but…
She was making a statement, undeniably.
"You won't even remember this," he whispered, not opening his eyes. Somehow, that knowledge hurt, and he wondered if she would have been so bold if she'd expected to remember it.
"But you will, and I think you need it," came her gentle answer as her fingers kept stroking and caressing his sensitive scalp. Shifting slightly, she kissed his cheek, then whispered against his suddenly too-warm skin, "Just one bright spot, until you get out of this. And you will, Sir. Of course you will. I can't imagine how hopeless it must feel, but you've been through worse. We both know that. I have faith that you'll save the day. Again. I need you to know that I have faith. And I need you to know that I…" She trailed off abruptly, blushing and looking away.
"Carter," he sighed, wrapping his arms around her and cradling her against his chest.
Making a quiet sound that wasn't quite a moan, she melted against him, body bending to match his contours. Pressing his nose into her hair, he breathed her in, drinking down and memorizing the smell and feel of Sam Carter, the sensation of holding her close and feeling her clinging to him. It felt, for a brief moment in time, like there was nothing in this universe, or any other, except him and her. Doubt, fatigue, and fear had no place inside the bounds of this embrace, and she'd been right.
He needed that.
It didn't erase anything. He was still mindful that they had a lot of hard work and uncertainty ahead of them. But here was a moment of peace and security that he'd be able to look back on and draw strength from. It was a greater gift than she probably realized, almost felt as if she was lending him some of her strength instead of just reassuring him.
"Thank you, Carter," he whispered against her hair, wishing this could last forever. "Thank you…"
She smiled lovingly up at him, opening her mouth to answer. But, before she could, brilliant light flooded his vision and the day reset.
The End