Disclaimer: I don't own House M.D. nor the characters.
Author's Note: I've wanted to do this forever. There was something in "Ugly" about the way House and Cuddy protected each other that made me believe they've done this before. And even if they haven't, I wrote it as such. Oneshot.
Cuddy sat, staring at her reflection in the black screen. She looked over to House, who was sitting next to her as he slipped his suit jacket on.
"I feel like an idiot," Cuddy said.
House stood to his feet and gave her a look. "Well..."
"House." Cuddy glared.
House softened slightly. "I know."
"So, now what?" Cuddy asked him.
"What?" House raised an eyebrow.
"What happens now?" Cuddy tried again.
"Nothing." House began toward her office door. "We move on."
"But, I looked so... incompetent," Cuddy stood to her feet and followed after him. "We're going to lose sponsors because I don't know how to stop the thing that is my verbal bloodletting."
House stopped in opening her office door and looked in her direction. "Don't worry about it."
"We're not just talking about thousands of dollars, but perhaps millions," Cuddy told him, shaking her head.
House rolled his eyes and shut the door. "Oh, Cuddy, give it a break. It wasn't that bad."
"You're not the one with your hair all over the place trying to describe an illness and surgery without really even knowing the details." Cuddy began towards her desk, but stopped halfway and turned. "They should have talked to you, not me."
House's eyes followed her. "They did talk to me."
Cuddy placed her hands on her hips. "I sounded so-"
House crossed toward her. "Cuddy, stop it before I give you a concussion with my cane."
Cuddy turned from him, raising a hand and shaking her head. "I'm never letting any cameras in here ever again."
House stopped and shrugged. "Never's a long time, Cuddy."
"I know." Cuddy moved around her desk and sat down. "But, I can't let anything like that-"
"Just because your ego was a little dented?" House cut her off, annoyed by her ramblings.
"A little?" Cuddy repeated.
"And how many donations have you received since then?" House knew donations had been coming in ever since the documentary aired. He nodded. "Right. That's what I thought. You're not going to lose money."
Cuddy watched him a moment, knowing he was right. "Fine, but we're not having any more cameras in here. Ever."
"Whatever happened to the cameras ban?" House asked loudly as he made his way over to Cuddy.
Cuddy continued walking away from him, a chart in her hand. "What?"
"Don't play dumb with me." House caught up to her side. "I heard of your little agreement with Discovery Health."
Cuddy snapped the chart closed and faced House. "He's a five year old boy living with a single parent and four siblings. Discover Health is going to pay for the kid's surgery plus."
"And I'm involved because...?" House squinted slightly, raising his eyebrows.
"Kid's sick," Cuddy answered simply.
"Do you not remember last time?" House asked her, leaning in too close.
"Of course I do," Cuddy replied, dropping her tone.
"You know how I work." House's breath was hot against her. "I can't have cameras. I only agreed the first time because-"
"Because I asked," Cuddy cut him off, leaning a bit more into him to gain some leverage.
"Begged was more like it," House retorted.
"I know what we have to watch out for." Cuddy felt a flush creeping up her neck so she backed away from House. "That's why we will be doing this differently. I... will make sure you can do your thing and you will keep me informed. Please."
"So, this is about making you not look like an idiot," House concluded, staring at her.
Cuddy frowned. "If I look like an idiot, I'll make sure those cameras are on your ass twenty four seven."
House frowned as well, matching his expression with Cuddy's. "Are you threatening me?"
Cuddy sighed heavily. "No. I'm trying to do this right. I have to look out for you."
House thought that over, raising his eyes to the ceiling. He sucked in a breath. "Okay. Have the cameras, do whatever you want, but I need my space to think or this kid'll die."
"I'm aware." Cuddy gave a nod. "You don't have to worry."
"Where's Dr. House?"
"Excuse me?" Cuddy looked up from her desk and stared at the camera crew standing just inside her office.
"We seem to have lost him," the production manager spoke up, giving Cuddy a larger smile.
"Oh." Cuddy returned the smile. "He must have went out for lunch."
"At two thirty?" The production manager raised a dubious eyebrow.
"He eats late," Cuddy covered quickly. "Very strange."
"When he comes back, could you have him paged for us?" she asked. "We'd like to talk with him."
"Certainly." Cuddy nodded.
"Until then, could we set up an interview with you?" she waved the crew in further.
"I'm a bit busy now." Cuddy shook her head and indicated the stack of manila folders on her desk.
"Right, of course. You are the Dean after all." She laughed a little too loud, but then stopped suddenly. "We're still on for tomorrow morning though?"
"Yes," Cuddy answered.
The production manager began to shoo the crew back out. "We'll go talk to the Billy, then. He's excited that he's going to be on tv. You know, kids."
Cuddy nodded, keeping a smile on her face until they were out of sight. Once they were, her smile dropped and she rolled her eyes. Sometimes she had a hard time remembering why she agreed to let cameras in her hospital.
"Hey." Cuddy met with House in an empty operating room. "Did you get what you needed?"
"Yeah," House answered her, thankful that she kept the camera crew away.
"I told them you were at lunch." Cuddy closed the gap between her and House.
"At two thirty?" House cocked an eyebrow.
"Do you have a problem with that?" Cuddy snapped back.
"No." House moved closer to her and lowered his volume into a dangerous area. "However, it does get me excited knowing you're lying for me, Dr. Cuddy. I like sneaking around with you. We should do it more often. Find some dark, empty closets we can hide out in together."
"Go find the camera crew, House." Cuddy avoided his tactic and gave him a quick pat to his chest. "Tell them how delicious your lunch was."
Cuddy turned on her heel and headed from the operating room. House watched her go, a half smile on his face, a mix of annoyance and pleasure. He felt as though she had thwarted him in some master plan that, at the moment, he couldn't be sure of.
"Turn on the television," House commanded as he hurriedly crossed into Cuddy's office.
"What?" Cuddy stood from her desk, afraid that some disaster happened that was all over the news.
"It's on." House turned the television on with the press of a button.
Cuddy felt relief wash over her as she stepped around her desk. Of course he meant the documentary on Billy. "Now?"
"They changed the time." House pulled one of Cuddy's chairs over to the television where he promptly sat down.
"Oh."
Cuddy dragged a chair over for herself. She sat next to House and turned the volume up on the television. She recognized Billy, who was talking excitedly to the camera. And there was House. And herself. Cuddy looked over at House and gave a shrug.
"It's not so bad," Cuddy said.
"So far," House added.
"They painted you nicely." Cuddy smirked. "Look how concerned you are..."
"Cuddy, the girls are trying to steal the limelight." House leaned forward and pointed to Cuddy's chest on the screen.
Cuddy slapped his hand. "After last time, I wanted-"
"Everyone looking at your breasts so they wouldn't be listening to your intellect?" House cut her off and finished her statement.
"That's not what I meant to-" Cuddy frowned as House turned the television off. "Hey!"
"What?" House stood to his feet. "I don't care to see the rest. The kid lives. I get it. But, no more cameras from now on, Cuddy."
Cuddy sympathized with him. "House, you know I can't-"
"Seek a pack of cameras against Wilson, or that asshole in Pediatrics," House cruelly suggested. "I don't want any more of this."
Cuddy stood to her feet. "It wasn't that-"
"Cuddy, the cameras not only mess with what I do, but they also distract my team," House told her.
Cuddy moved toward him. "I realize the pressure-"
"Wasn't the pressure," he interrupted quickly.
"I had your back," Cuddy emphasized as she stopped in front of him. "You do have to admit that this was much easier than the first time." Cuddy waited for him to respond, but when he didn't, she went on. "We're bringing in more money, we're getting attention, and we're helping people. Having cameras in here every now and then isn't such a bad thing."
"Unless they catch something they're not suppose to," House said.
"Not going to happen," Cuddy replied. "I told you before. I have to look out for you. You are mine."
House tilted his head slightly and raised his eyebrows. "I'm yours?"
Cuddy walked back to her chair and turned the television on before sitting down. She glanced at House and gave a simple shrug. "Something like that."
House threw open the door to Cuddy's office, letting it bang loudly. Cuddy swiveled around from her bookcase, an open book in hand. She narrowed her eyes at House.
"Third time's a charm?" House asked her.
"It's not final yet," she told him. "We're still talking. Insurance has some forms to fill out and-"
"Is this necessary, Cuddy?"
House felt like they just had annoying sound guys getting in the way along with lighting technicians, whose sole purpose seemed to make the focus of the camera break out into a sweat.
Cuddy slapped her book shut. "Nothing is ever necessary, House."
House crossed toward her glancing at the ceiling. "Food, water-"
"Okay," Cuddy cut him off there. "Thank you. But you knew what I meant."
"Why are we doing this to ourselves again?" House nearly whined. "Do you really think you look that good on tv, Cuddy? The camera really does add ten pounds."
"Stop it," Cuddy scolded. "We're going to do this and... it'll work. We'll make it work."
"You gonna babysit me?" House raised his eyebrows at her.
"No," Cuddy stretched the word out as she placed the book she was holding back on the shelf. She turned back to House. "We're going to do this like last time. I'll watch out for you and in turn, you'll behave."
"Right, that seems fair." House rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just follow me around too?"
"I can-" Cuddy began.
"No," House stopped her short.
Cuddy placed a hand on his shoulder. "Just... play nice and don't insult anyone. All right?"
"Would you like me to be all chummy?" House asked dully.
Cuddy gave a nod. "Yes, actually, I would."
House shrugged her hand from his shoulder. "I hope this falls through."
Cuddy gave him a look and moved toward her desk. "It's not that bad."
"Not to you," House replied, watching her.
Cuddy faced him once she was behind her desk. "I'm only asking you to do your job, smile, and perhaps give a little wave. It's like pulling teeth with you."
"I'd rather be doing that," House muttered loud enough for her to hear.
"Why don't you go do some Clinic duty?" Cuddy suggested. "And I'll let you know if they're going to film here."
"Yeah, 'cause the Clinic is going to make me all sunshine and rainbows." House headed for the door, but he was planning on going nowhere near the Clinic.
Cuddy watched as House left her office, slamming the door behind him just for effect. She shook her head slightly and let out a sigh, wondering if bringing a film crew in for a third time was really asking too much.
"Hey, Patch Adams," Cuddy gave him a nudge as she stepped up to his side in the otherwise empty hospital chapel.
House gave her a look of annoyance. "I smiled and waved."
"Behave," Cuddy warned lightly. "We're almost done."
"Right." House gave a nod. "'Cept for figuring out what's wrong with the kid."
"You'll come through," Cuddy told him. "You always do." She paused a moment. "Are the cameras getting in the way?"
"Not since you've been lying for me, you little devil." House placed an arm around Cuddy's lower back and pulled her into him roughly. "I like it."
Cuddy frowned and shoved him away, but she wasn't really fighting against him. "Get your hands off me."
"I just thought you wanted to be dirty, Cuddy dear," House removed his arm, but leaned in closer to her.
"Fix the kid so the cameras can get out of here," Cuddy forced authority into her tone and with that, began for the door.
"Don't I get a-" House didn't get to finish his thought before the door closed, leaving him alone, "say in it... Damn."
House drew in a breath and shook his head slightly before heading out of the chapel as well.
House made his way toward the door, annoyed at the documentary and of course at Cuddy for mocking the situation.
"Where are you going?" Cuddy asked him, trying her best not let a laugh escape. "Kittens to get out of trees? Deaf kids to read to?"
"I owe it to the world to make sure this evil never sees the light of day," House told and hurried out the door.
Cuddy watched him leave and then quickly turned the television back on. She continued watching with interest and placed her chin in her palm. She found a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as the teen thanked House.
Pleased with the end, Cuddy went to turn off the tape when her office door swung back open and House entered.
"Mission accomplished so soon?" Cuddy asked, smirking at him.
"No." House crossed to her. "I realized that I'd have a hell of a time trying to stop its distribution."
"Wanna see the end then?" Cuddy asked, still smirking. "I can rewind the tape."
"You find sick pleasure in this, don't you?" House glared at her.
"What can I say?" Cuddy shrugged. "I'm a sadist."
"Clearly."
House took his seat next to Cuddy. She held the remote up and indicated the television.
"Want me to...?" She trailed off, waiting for a response. She did take pleasure in pushing House's buttons.
House frowned. "No."
"You sure?" Cuddy raised her eyebrows. "I just have to push the button and-"
House yanked the remote control from her and tossed it across the room. Cuddy's nose scrunched up as she watched the device hit the floor, the back popping off and the batteries scattering.
Cuddy directed her eyes back to House. "That's real nice, Hou-"
Cuddy was cut off when House's lips met hers while his hand found its way to her neck, drawing her closer to him. Cuddy froze, caught off guard for a moment, and then placed her hands on House's chest. She pushed him away.
"What are you doing?" Cuddy's voice was in a harsh whisper.
It was House's turn to shrug innocently. "Sneaking around with you always makes me hot."
Cuddy narrowed her eyes at him. "House. You can't-"
"I just figured if we're going to continue having cameras around here all the time, we might as well put on a show for them," House told her. "Thought we could use a little dress rehearsal."
"And you decided that this," Cuddy indicated the close proximity between them as a representation of the kiss, "was the best way to tell me no more cameras?"
"Well, every other way of telling you hasn't gotten through that thick skull of yours," House said. "Figured I had to up the ante."
"You..." Cuddy stared at him a moment. "You have... I don't even know..."
"Why are you flustered and blushing, Cuddy?" House asked her, trying to hold back his own smirk.
"I'm... not." Cuddy realized the tables had turned and that bothered her.
"Let's get those camera crews in here now," House suggested brightly.
"Shut up," Cuddy replied. "You know, this was enjoyable five minutes ago."
"I can make it enjoyable again."
House kissed her once more, a bit harsher, forcing her mouth open this time. Cuddy pulled back and quickly stood from her chair. She moved around the back of it and toward the center of her office.
"What do you think you're doing?" She asked, but kept her back to him. "Better yet, what the hell are you thinking?"
Cuddy stopped and faced him. House stood from his chair and shrugged.
"There's something magical about filmmaking, so I've heard." House shrugged again. "Guess I couldn't fight the forces anymore."
"You're insane," Cuddy accused, shaking her head at him.
"That's a fine line, Cuddy," House told her. "So, no more cameras then?"
"Are you really threatening that you'd kiss me if I don't agree?" Cuddy placed her hands on her hips.
"Sounds like it," House said.
Cuddy raised her eyebrows, not quite believing the current situation. "Are we in third grade?"
"Yeah, and I'll give you cooties too," House replied with sarcasm. "Now, what'd you say?"
Cuddy bit her lower lip, thinking over her answer and inevitably teasing him in the process. She cocked an eyebrow at him and gave him a tight smile. She shook her head.
"I can't promise anything." Cuddy raised her hands with a shrug. "Sorry."
"Well, neither can I."
House moved closer to her and Cuddy eyed him suspiciously. He stopped inches from her face, eyes locked with hers. Cuddy stood her ground, almost certain he was going to try to kiss her again. She vowed she'd slap him this time. However, House only smirked at her, showing that he had the upper hand in this game, which only boiled Cuddy's blood further.
"And now the question is," House began in a whisper, "is the next camera crew that walks through the doors here to help bring in money or to get me to kiss you?"
Cuddy's eyes formed slits as she glared at him, which only widened House's smirk. And with that, he took his leave from her, letting the ball remain in her court for whenever she wanted to play again.