Illacrimo

by mistsplash

Kyou Sohma was not a social person; he had never been a social person, and he didn't plan on becoming one any time soon. Hence, he had only had two real relationships in his entire life.

The second of those relationships (and the better one, at that) had been simple, almost nice. She was a gentle girl, that Tohru. He loved her more than was healthy, despite them being polar opposites: she, the flustered, blushing, shy, optimistic girl; and himself, the angry, aggressive, pessimistic beast-turned-boy.

By some miracle, she had loved him back, and once both loves were proclaimed, neither had any trouble notifying the others of this change. Tohru, of course, blushed madly and dipped her head at any tease or taunt the other Sohmas would throw at her, but Kyou knew she wasn't embarrassed by him. She still went on dates with him, kissed him, loved him, and even married him, when the time came. She had died at his side, and Kyou was glad in a bittersweet way; had he been the one to pass first, he didn't know if she would have been able to handle it. She always seemed so fragile to him.

He always thought of Tohru, always, be it out of concern, anger, frustration, or love. He would think about her until the day he died, that was for sure.

Then, there was her. She wasn't anything special, just a blonde girl with a bad attitude. Arisa Uotani—such a pretty name for such an ugly girl.

Well, that wasn't the truth. Uotani was a very pretty girl, probably prettier than plain little Tohru, but she managed to cancel that out with her ferocious ways. A former gang-member, Uotani was not exactly the most sought-after girl in their old high school.

But she was always there. She was always there in the back of his mind ("What would Uotani say if she saw me in this?" "Uotani loves this color." "Damn, Uotani could've kicked that guy's ass." "Shit, Tohru. Uotani would've never forced me into this…well, maybe she would, but still…"); she was always snaking into every little thing he did, good or bad.

And then, there were those glances. They were subtle at first, unnoticeable, but he caught on soon enough, and as much as he would've liked to, he just couldn't call her out for it.

Soon enough, he was sending her glances.

Glances grew into smirks, which grew into sparks, which grew into kisses, which grew into secrets, which grew into desperation—all of which blew up eventually. They were not meant to be. It was a simple fact.

During their time together, they had kept it a secret. Uotani had broken up with him in fear of hurting Tohru, and he was perfectly fine with it. Tohru was the precious one to all of them, wasn't she? Protecting Tohru came first. It always came first.

Kyou thought that once his lips met Uotani's, those stupid thoughts that always lingered in his mind would come to a close, but he was proven wrong. She was always there; she wouldn't just leave. Her laugh (throaty and the complete opposite of what a girl's laugh should have been); her glare (the way she could literally burn a hole through his forehead); her punches (that girl just had to be on steroids—no human could be that strong); her hair (it had been fun to play with, a fact that he would only ever admit to himself). She was haunting him—

—and he hated her for it.

Kyou hated how he always lost to her, just like he always lost to Yuki. He hated how she wouldn't even look at him after their clean, no-screaming-involved breakup. He hated how it seemed like he was the only one who cared about their relationship. He was so sick of it. He was sick of her.

However, forgetting her was far from an option. Kyou had tried it so, so many times. Not only did she forever linger in his mind, the abhorrent place it was, but he found himself confused. It didn't ache to forget her, the same way it hadn't ached when they broke up. It seemed as if heartbreak didn't actually hurt, it just left the receiver drowning in a flux of emotions.

So, no, attempting to forget her hadn't hurt…it had confused him. It felt like something was out of place, and he hated that feeling with every fiber of his being. In the end, Uotani was not forgotten.

Often, Kyou wondered if Tohru noticed the way he dazed off while trying to sort out his (nonexistent) feelings for Uotani, Tohru's best friend. If she did, she hadn't said anything, so Kyou didn't worry. Tohru was naturally oblivious, anyways, and it wasn't like he needed Uotani. He was perfectly, blissfully content with Tohru. Uotani was just a mistake on his part, something that shouldn't have happened.

This is what Kyou reflected on as he walked through dying grass and stinging mist into the cemetery, where three fresh graves lay. By some twist of fate, the three best friends—Tohru, Uotani, and Hanajima—had died around the same time, and had been buried next to each other.

Kyou walked slowly, eyes narrowed in thought. He was older now, brittle, a grandfather, but he still walked with that fire from his youth. The thinning mist swirled around him, clinging to his clothes, and the wrought-iron gates cast barely-visible shadows over him. The sun was only slightly showing, making the worn stone of the graves shine dimly.

He reached the three graves after quite a bit of walking; they were buried near the very back of the field.

Kyou had seen the graves before, at their funerals. Still, he couldn't help but stop and stare at the dim stone.

Tohru Honda, Saki Hanajima, and Arisa Uotani.

At least they're together, Kyou thought, frowning as soon as he had allowed the thought to enter his mind. Perhaps some of his late wife's superstitions and myths and odd beliefs were making an impression on him.

He visited Hanajima's grave first. It would probably affect him the least; he hadn't been that close to the girl, anyway. She had scared him well enough. Maybe it hurt a little bit, knowing she was gone, but not enough for him to cry.

The next two graves, however, were different cases.

For Tohru, he cried. He cried despite the fact that she would have wanted him to smile and be happy. He cried despite her wishes; he had always been too greedy when it came to Tohru. She had always deserved better.

For Uotani, he didn't cry because he was so unbelievably upset. He cried because she would probably want him to cry over her, to show a little more hurt at her expense. It was his will against hers, and the fact is, Kyou always lost to Uotani.

So Kyou cried twice that night.

Once for the love of his life.

And once for the girl that he loved first.

Author's Notes:

*is evul, evul KyouUo shipper* :3

(Title means "to weep over" in Latin. At least, according to Google it does.)