The Big Book of War: For Dummies
By 25 Star Weeblo General Zapp Brannigan
During my various chamepaghins through the galaxy I have encountered hostilities, riches beyond imagination and even the sexual conquest 2 civilizations. Once stranded on the Amazonian planet I preformed the act of snu-snu to save my crew of misfits, and on another occasion had love to the only female Cyclops left alive in the galaxy.
Know this dear reader, winning battles consists of two elements. First of superior leadership, all men need this to be led into battle. If it wasn't for my own superior command the carpet bombing of Eden 6 wouldn't have forced those dirty peacenicks into submission. Second, and not as important is the resource of throwing wave after wave of men into your enemies face until they can no longer take the psychological aspect of killing and maiming them. Every dunder headed idiot from a street thug to a primate in an ape fight knows, using overwhelming force lessons the odds of you being defeated.
Weakness is not an excuse to lose a battle, I was born with sexlexia and it has never hindered my performance. A true leader never takes the blame for a botched mission, they have a loyal 2nd in Command to do that. This 2nd and Command must respect you like a subject to his king, or a dog does his master. Have him perform your own duties such as paperwork to recommend yourself for medals and other displays of valor. Don't let him or even her get too full of himself, let him perform the most loathsome of tasks too, such as bathing you, feeding you and laying out your garments. Governments fund the military, no sense in not having your very own personal assistant, there is no money coming out of your pocket, and you are training another to be a fine officer one day.
You must also keep a firm grip on your militia's regime. They will be lazy and lost without it. Have them practice making their bed over and over again, the will soon understand that a neat bed enforces a great soldier, who is battle ready. There is no need to train them with their weapons, or other girl scout activities such as first aid, map reading, those don't help win battles. A true warrior runs into battle not even knowing who his enemy is. Ancient barbarians swung there axes in circles killing anyone within a killing radius. Modern warriors should fire their weapons wildly into the battle field and into the air. Sending in waves and waves of men will eventually make your enemy surrender. Bed making, is what separates a man from a boy. Once they have mastered making a bed, they will be able to master the art of killing.
A common belief is Intel on the enemy is vital. This is a lie that has cost billions of lives. Having any information on the enemy only leads to low morale in your own troops, they may start to think on their own, and try to devise strategic plans, questioning your leadership in the process. Having knowledge of the enemy only leads to disaster, that's why all military operations should be random, and not thought out. The jaws of death from a military are similar to a shark. The shark is nature's serial killer, mindless he swims to his target and attacks without looking back. Only sheep look back, you may recognize this archaic saying from the 1980's B.C.S.C. (Before Christ's Second Coming)
1980's business men where the leaders of the times, brilliant field commanders that paved the way for our modern era of battle.
Training should be quick, so your men can go into battle wildly blasting away and blowing things up. The faster a man is trained, the quicker he can be thrown into battle to open the way for yet another wave of men .You will learn that using overwhelming forces is the greatest military weapon of all. The duration of the training should last for one afternoon. No longer, no shorter. This amount of time is quick and lets your men grasp the understanding of how to fight in a war, implement bed making and your men are 100 ready for battle.
A good leader also leads his men into battle, from afar. Use your space vehicle to monitor the land battles from high over the planets altitude, if there are enemy vessels in the planets atmosphere, send wave after wave of fighter craft. Remember, waves and waves of men does not limit them to land warfare, it is also useful in the skies and in the depths of space.
With the likely hood of my ingenius words in your mind, you could one day be a great military leader, perhaps even serving under my command, it could be you who leads a wave of men into battle, and perhaps suffer the loss of life or limb, but you will know that you are the greatest soldier ever just for reading my book Zapp Brannigans Big Book of War. Soon you will be surrounded by beautiful woman, and have the respect of every man in the universe. Except me, that is.