Perry sighed longingly. She wanted nothing more than to be special. To be respected, admired, honored, remembered…loved. Those were the young woman's deepest desires! Now, Perry had no shortage of love in her life, but she couldn't help but feel small and unimportant when she stood by the people she considered friends. Her parents were business owners, half of her peers were leaders in some type of extracurricular activity, and her friends and other relatives were also all well-known for something. Whether they were inventors or creators or designers and whether they excelled in math, science, literature, language or the arts was irrelevant. It felt like everyone Perry knew was good at something in particular. But what about her? What was her specialty? Well, as far as she knew, nothing. Nothing. She was Perry. Just Perry. Why, she was so boring that even at her own Bat Mitzvah, the rabbi could think of nothing to extol in her other than her humility and predictability. Ouch.
Then along came Silas U. By luck and research, Perry found out about the mysterious and allegedly magic school and she signed up instantly. She had taken to the Wiccan religion over the past few years and this school looked perfect! Maybe she would learn magic at Silas! Maybe she could be the first witch of the family! Then everybody would have to love and remember her! It would be her moment of being special!
But of course, that was easier said than done. Although Silas was nice, Perry was still a bit of a loser and she, ultimately, still didn't learn any magic at all. Not really, anyway. She learned about magic, but she never actually learned it, though she did delude herself into thinking she could. This, of course, isolated her from her peers who viewed her as a weirdo who tried too hard. Behind her back, Perry was known as "Scary Perry" because of how fanatical she could become. But to her face, not a single word was spoken. Perry had nearly no friends during her first year.
But then at last, Perry did get her wish. She ended up accidently summoning a fairy queen! How was that for special and magical? Clearly, some of Silas' pagan classes had paid off! But unfortunately, the fairy queen was nothing like in the fairytales and was, instead, quite evil. Suffice to say, she was sent back as soon as possible and Perry's one shining moment of power was erased. But by that point, even she didn't want to remember what had happened. How could she show her face to anyone if her legacy was "that weird and spastic chick who summoned and evil fairy queen that stopped other female students' periods and turned male students into donkeys"? Yeah, Perry wanted to be special, but not like that.
It was lucky for her that she was the only one, aside from two others who didn't think the tale was worth retelling, to remember the fiasco. Or maybe she wasn't so lucky. Because even long after the event was over, one particular conversation with the evil fairy queen kept echoing in her mind and nothing she did would make it stop.
"All the wonder in the universe will be yours!" the queen promised, voice echoing through Perry's memories. "My extraordinary girl!"
"Really? You don't think I'm just kind of average?!" Perry heard her own voice squeaking in disbelief, excitement and hope. Nobody had ever called her extraordinary before! And what a wonderful feeling it was! Finally, finally, after so very long in the shadows, somebody had finally looked at Perry like she was worth something. Like she was special!
"We'll sweep away everyone who ever made you feel small!" the queen affirmed. Oh, this promise had sounded so wonderful and divine! Even still, Perry could feel that old sense of excitement and warmth as the queen promised her the world! But then the memory turned sour. She remembered what came next. She remembered what the fairy queen had demanded in return for this wonderful power, and it was a price Perry had not been willing to pay. The price? Her best friend, Susan Lafontaine…
"Everyone?" Perry asked, both aloud and in her memory.
"Everyone!" the fairy queen repeated. Perry felt her heart sink.
"You mean Susan, don't you?" she asked. "In order for me to be special, Susan loses everything?"
"Our heart's desires don't come without a price," the queen responded.
Then, quick as it came, all of Perry's hopes were dashed again. Although getting to rule the universe sounded amazing and fun, Perry didn't think she would be able to bear it if she lost Susan. Susan, after all, had been her best friend since she was five and even though Susan was, inadvertently, part of Perry's esteem problems, Perry loved the girl more than anything. To lose Susan would be to lose the best part of Perry's life. To lose Susan would to defeat one of Perry's main purposes for choosing Silas. She hadn't just come to learn magic or to be remembered within her own family, no, she had also come to impress Susan. Susan was just so brilliant. Every math and science came so easily to her that their whole town back home held her as a scientific prodigy. Of course, standing beside Susan made Perry feel bad about her own image. What did Perry have on the town genius? So you see, Perry had not come to Silas just for her own gain. In her mind's eye, if she became a real witch, she would finally have something equally as amazing as Susan and then maybe she would be a little more worthy of Susan's friendship. But now, the very fairy offering Perry everything she'd ever wanted was demanding Susan's own specialness in return.
"Yeah. I get that… But I can't hurt Susan," Perry whimpered, finally making her choice regarding the queen's offer. "I'm sorry about this…" she whispered, regret written clearly on her face. Then she sent the queen away. After that, Perry swore away magic and myth, concluding that it had all been a hallucination. From then on, she made her new goal to be as normal as possible. If she was going to have a goal, it as might as well be something realistic and useful! Magic was for the deluded! Perry was sane now. She was good and normal and she was going to make everything nice and safe! There would be no more fever dreams or silly fantasies for her! Her normality would be her own specialness.
Or so she thought. Despite externally swearing away anything out of the ordinary, Perry's life seemed intertwined with the supernatural and for every normal deed she performed, another unexplained and magical one would happen to her in return. These repeated memories and dreams of the fairy queen and her fausting pact was just one example. Then Susan finally joined her, having agreed to attend Silas just because of how weird and wonderful it sounded. Typical Susan. She had always been one for the weird. And Silas' oddities continued to plague them both for another year more, then Laura showed up. That girl, Perry was sure, was a magnet for the weird and wicked. That whole year was spent in pure magical madness and even though Perry repeatedly, adamantly, insisted that they all stay out of it, she couldn't help that small spark that would rise up in her stomach whenever Laura, Susan, or their friends would make mention of some of the weird goings-ons at Silas. It seemed that even now, a tiny part of Perry still wanted this magical dream to be true so she could partake and maybe finally make a name for herself. seemed that even now, a tiny part of Perry still wanted to be special, something very not-normal.
But at the same time, the "normal" lifestyle that Perry had adopted since her freshman year clashed with the side of her that wanted to go on crazy adventures and do miraculous things. It caused quite an inner turmoil for the poor woman, to say the least. Often times, these clashing ideals would result in anxiety attacks. The main issue was that part of Perry wanted something special to happen but, in order for something special to happen, the normality had to go away and Perry wasn't very good at coping with not-normal. So, she was stuck in a loop of desiring normality and desiring to be special. The reason Silas made this issue especially painful was because of who she hung out with now. Her friends included: a vampire, an Amazon, a girl who was in love with both of them, and then Susan… or, Lafontaine. It was confusing! But apparently, Sus- no, Lafontaine, wasn't really feeling like she (she?) used to. And wanted to start changing. Great. Just great. While Perry was in the middle of an identity crisis, Sus-, Lafontaine was having one of her own! It made Perry want to scream, as cruel and unfair as that was.
At last, however, it was all over. As soon as it began, the danger finally passed and Perry was suddenly lying in the arms of Lafontaine.
"Wh-wha?" Perry asked groggily, sitting up and shaking her head in confusion. Had she gotten drunk last night? Because this felt like a hangover. But then, at the same time, it didn't feel like any hangover Perry had ever had before. Then again, it wasn't like she got drunk very often. It wasn't very becoming of a proper young lady to go and drink herself silly!
"Perr? Oh, Perry!" Lafontaine's heartbreaking sobs snapped Perry out of her absentminded thoughts.
"Lafontaine? What is it? What's wrong? What's going on here? What's happened?" she cried, wrapping her arms around her friend as a reflex.
Well, in time, Perry would learn exactly what had happened. Apparently, sometime after first semester but right after Christmas Break, right after second semester began, Perry ended up getting possessed. And who exactly did this? Well, it was the dean of Silas. Who was a goddess. An ancient, Sumerian, love goddess. Named Inanna. Inanna, this ancient love goddess, had possessed Perry for eight months. And why? To find a new, suitable host after her last one was killed off. And why did she need a host at all? Well, apparently, she was trying to open the seven Gates of Hell in order to resurrect her husband because he had been slaughtered by the gods and by her own folly. Now she wanted him back and she didn't care if she had to start the end of the world to get it. Well. That certainly had been a lot to take in.
"Will things ever be normal?" the poor, confused, and amnesia-stricken woman despaired wearily.
"I hope so, Perr, I hope so," Lafontaine replied with a weak smile, remaining eye looking down at Perry in sorrow and relief.
For once, fate smiled upon Perry and life did indeed return to normal, but Perry still wasn't content! It drove her mad! After all the craziness of that whole year, Perry still wasn't content! She still didn't feel… right. She almost missed all the action and adventure even though she had been trapped in the dark for most of it. Perhaps, even though Inanna was fully gone, some remnant of the wild goddess still lived on inside of her and that was why she still was craving some kind of crazy adventure. Though a later thought made Perry wonder if it wasn't her old fickle psyche returning to her because, in the back of her mind, a part of her realized that she missed the action and adventure because, without it, she didn't have a chance to prove if she was special or not. (And no, being possessed did not count, though it certainly was special). But now, with life being normal at long last, there was no way for Perry to do anything that would make her really shine! It was maddening…
"Perry? What's wrong?" Lafontaine asked, walking in to see Perry pacing their dorm room, running her fingers through her fiery curls.
"What?! Oh, nothing!" Perry literally jumped up in surprise, eyes wide and wild. At the same time, though, she couldn't bring herself to face Lafontaine and, instead, began to fidget with her fingers. But Lafontaine was stubborn. They weren't going to back down so easily and, after almost losing Perry once, they were going to do their best to prevent anything from separating them again.
"Come on, Perr, I'm our floor's truth-speaker. You know I know you're lying," Lafontaine said, taking a step closer to their best friend. For a few minutes more, Perry tried to protest that she was fine, but Lafontaine expertly struck down every argument and when Perry finally stopped responding totally, Lafontaine simply took Perry in their arms and held her…
That little gesture was what destroyed the last of Perry's walls and all of her confessions regarding her insecurities came tumbling out in a tide of tears, tremors and tongue-tied tales. Lafontaine carefully led Perry to one of their beds before letting her finish the rest of the story. Through it all, Lafontaine never let Perry go, not once and not even a little. But once Perry finally did finish getting all of her secrets out, Lafontaine pulled away from her just for a moment.
"Oh, Perry," they sighed, wiping at their friend's tears. "My poor, sweet Perry. You've just been through so much that you're confused!"
"No, no, I'm not confused! I'm NOT!" Perry shouted back. She didn't mean to lash out, especially not at Lafontaine, but she just couldn't keep these conflicting, confusing thoughts locked away inside her anymore. She had to tell someone and now it was all coming out, pouring out, and she couldn't stop it. She almost didn't want to. But at the same time, she didn't want it to come out like this.
Eventually, however, Perry had calmed down again and Lafontaine was finally able to get a word in.
"Perry, what I was trying to was that… well… you are special. You already are special, even if you don't know it and even if you don't believe me," they said, rubbing Perry's hands in their own. Perry eyed them cautiously and they knew that this was a sign for them to explain. "What I mean is, and I am being honest, you are special. You see, you are stronger and braver than any of the rest of us. Laura, Carmilla, Danny, Mel, Kirsch and I? Yeah, we've done some heroic things, but you're still braver than us. We were doing all of these things because we felt excited while doing them. It takes no courage to do something you aren't afraid of doing. It does take courage, however, to do something you're terrified of and you, Perry, have done that."
"I was possessed-" Perry began, but Lafontaine cut her off.
"I meant even before that," they said. "Even back in first semester, when you tried so hard to get Laura to stop looking for Betty and messing with vampires and sacrifices and cults. Even back then, although you tried so hard to get us all to stop, you never stopped either. You never ran away or gave up or abandoned us. Not completely, anyway. I know there was that time we fought and you kind of gave up on us then, but you came back to us! In the end, you came back. You always do… Don't you remember? Joining us for the last battle? Killing some of those vampires even though the unnatural terrified you? Don't you think that was special?"
Lafontaine paused for a moment to let Perry think and, slowly, it began to sink in. Lafontaine saw the realization flicker across Perry's face and smiled. Then they continued to explain all the times when Perry had acted courageously. It was actually quite a long list.
"How can you think you aren't special?" Lafontaine asked. "You keep us all together! Perhaps you aren't a front-line soldier, but that's not the only role that allows for bravery! Your bravery is of a different kind, but it's no less important! It's like saying actors are better than stage-assistants. That's simply not true! You gave everyone in out Dimwit Squad a home to return to. You supported us physically through food and mentally and emotionally through comfort. You were pretty much our team mom and then, whenever things did get bad, you never did hesitate to fight. I know you don't see yourself as a fighter, but I remember every vampire you ever attacked out of sheer willpower and anger,"" Lafontaine paused and shivered a bit. "Perry, you may not think it, but you can be really scary and tough sometimes and given all the other times you would claim to cower or try to hide, I'd say that that's pretty brave. That's pretty special…"
"You think?" Perry sniffled.
"I know," Lafontaine promised. Perry gave a wet laugh. Lafontaine smiled. It was good to see Perry looking happy and confident. It was sad to say, but such emotions were rarely seen upon their best friend. It was a nice change to see them back.
But if Lafontaine was happy, Perry was ecstatic! In one simple talk, Lafontaine had successfully destroyed so many of Perry's demons and walls. In just five minutes, nearly 20 years of self-esteem issues and anxiety were finally confronted and the wounds were already starting to heal. Oh, it would still be a long and hard road because self confidence was not easy to come by, but it was a start! And it was all thanks to Lafontaine. The irony of this fact was not lost upon Perry but she was far too happy to care anymore. Even though she knew she'd still struggle with her self-image, hearing Lafontaine listing so many of the good and brave and special deeds she had already done was the greatest comfort in the world and Perry believed every word they said. She could only hope that one day, she would be able to see this specialness herself and not have to take it on faith. Maybe she would even be able to pick out moments where she could say, "Hey! That was me! I did that!"
So at long last, Perry saw the truth. She finally saw her own specialness and courage and worth. Finally, she felt worthy of the love she had, even though she had been worthy of it all long. And it was the love from Lafontaine. The love Perry once feared losing was now the love that was saving her and reminding her that she was stronger and braver than she could ever know. Now Perry knew that love was hers forever and the fear of losing it to something better than she was entirely gone. For the first time in her life, right in the arms of Lafontaine, Perry felt truly happy. She felt loved, safe and special.
AN: This plotless fic was just shameless Perry analysis. Perry is honestly one of my favorite Carmilla characters and I relate to her in so many ways. Consider this almost a reflection of me, though I was not quite as unlucky as Perry. But that feeling of insignificance and being boring is one I am well acquainted with. From these gloomy thoughts came this story, wherein Perry admits to herself that she wants so separately to be loved but, until the very end, she cannot bring herself to confess it. But the moment the truth comes out, some other truth goes back in and Perry finally understands how wonderful she is. Honestly, watching Carmilla, I just want to hug her so much!
Also, side note, this was also inspired off of S0 where she admits to wanting to be special and then, just like in the story, how close she came to being tempted by this wish because of the fairy queen. Also, yes, because Lafontaine's transition doesn't start until S1, I refer to them with their old name and female pronouns at the start of the story and then show that transition through Perry's confusion with the occasional misnaming and misgendering before bringing it all to correction by the end of the story. I just thought I'd make that clear now before someone corrects me about Lafontaine's proper name and pronouns. I already know them, I promise. But for the sake of accuracy, "Susan" is the proper name for a story set pre-S1.