Special thanks to:
LilMaibe for encouraging me to write this story
and to
OldStoneface for telling me how to make it better!
Something Wingêd This Way Comes
By Runt Thunderbelch
Nothing
"Fancy a little game?" asked Fate, His black eyes gleaming.
The Lady looked at Him. "You said you'd never play against me again. You claimed I cheated."
"I spoke hastily. Everyone knows Fate cannot be cheated."
The Lady looked coolly at Him. Her eyes of green were unreadable. "What did You have in mind?"
"Perhaps a little Dragons and Dungeons and Dwarves?"
"Hmmmm, I haven't played D&D&D in a golem's age. All right." The two gods strolled to the central playing area of Cori Celestia. The other gods, bored with their tinkering with the universe, gathered around. The Lady smiled. "Your move."
Fate's hand reached out a moved the first playing piece.
̼
A dark and cloaked figure slowly perused the aisles of No. 4, Tenth Egg Street, Ankh-Morpork. He stopped at a bin marked, Exploding Powder.
Jack Proust hurried up to him. "Welcome to Boffo's Novelty and Joke Shop, sir. How can we be of service today?"
Two eyes peered at him from underneath a single eyebrow. "I'm looking for naught holes."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Naught holes, to wit, holes that do and do not exist at the same time."
Proust blinked, "I'm afraid those kinds of things don't really exist, sir. They're just a silly myth."
"Mmm-humm," nodded the customer. A black-gloved hand emerged from out of the cloak and pointed at the powder. "Does this truly explode?"
"Oh yes sir, well that is, when it's properly prepared. Just sitting out like that, well, if it caught fire, it'd simply hiss and pop like a dragon with indigestion, ha ha. But if it is enclosed in a container . . ." He scurried down the aisle and came back with a fake egg. He popped the egg open, filled it with some powder, closed it, used his pocket knife to drill a small hole in one end, and then inserted a Boffo's Gen-u-wine Fisslestick. With flint and steel, he lit the fisslestick and hurled the egg to the far end of the store.
KAAAABBBLLLAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM! The mud-and-straw wall collapsed, shelves crashed to the floor, and part of the ceiling caved in.
"Oh dear."
The dark figure nodded. "Quite effective. I will take one pound."
"An entire pound? Very good, sir! I shall just wrap it up for you!"
"Not too tightly, hmmm."
"What? Oh yes, I see, ha ha ha. One pound you say? I am a lucky man today!" Proust suddenly stopped laughing and looked back at the destroyed end of his shop.
"Luck had nothing to do with it," replied the stranger. "I believe it was Fate."
̼
"Your move," said Fate.
The Lady reached out and moved a pair of dwarves. As Fate was studying Her move, She kind of accidentally nudged a troll and a little scruffy dog. Who said Fate couldn't be cheated?
̼
As luck would have it, Runt Thunderbelch was having a really bad day. He jerked his mug of beer off the bar and tromped to booth in one of the darker corners of the cave. Runt sat and drank deeply.
"Look here," said a female voice in the next booth.
"Where did you get- It's a book! Where?"
"Shhh! You'll get us both in trouble."
Runt glowered. These two females didn't know the meaning of the word trouble. He could give them such a lecture.
"What is that?"
"It's a picture of the sky."
"The sky? Why is it blue?"
"Because, I dunno, the sky's blue."
"What are these things."
"They're trees. Kinda like moss, only much taller."
"Wow, these are the prettiest bats I've ever seen!"
"They're birds."
"What're birds?"
"They're kind of like bats . . . only prettier."
"Oh."
"I'd give anything if I could go up and see the surface."
"Shhhh, talk like that will get you in so much trouble!"
"I don't care! If someone could lead me up there, I'd give him anything he asked for."
"Lapis Lazuli! That kind of talk will get you in even more trouble!"
"I don't care! I don't care! And what's the matter with your eyes anyways?"
"My eyes?"
"Yeah, they're all green."
"Oh, uh green? Uh, I've been digging in that new vein of copper. Must have gotten some in my eyes. Don't worry about it."
Runt took a thoughtful sip on his beer. A dwarf maiden who was willing to do anything for a guided trip to the surface. It sounded to him as if he were about to get lucky . . . for a change.
̼
"Woof, woof," said Gaspode as he trotted through the door of the Pseudopolis Yard stationhouse followed by Detritus, who held a dark and cloaked suspect upside down by one ankle.
Sergeant Angua was on desk duty. "What's this?"
"Suspicious suspect, darlin'," replied the dog. "Caught him sneaking along Tenth Egg Street." He turned and saw Detritus looking at him in confusion. "Don't be daft, ya big troll. You're smart enough to know that dogs can't talk. Give the cute puppy a dog biscuit, woof, woof."
Detritus blinked and said, "Yeah," as he began patting his pockets. "Dis ugly guy was creepin' along, so I told him, 'Stop in de name of de law.' But he don't stop. He starts running. So I grab him and bring him here."
The suspect squirmed in the powerful grip. "I was merely traversing a public street. You can't arrest me for that!"
"Can too," rumbled Detritus.
Angua came around the desk. This man even smelled of evil. "And so just why were you traversing this particular street?"
"I don't have to say anything. But you have to read me my rights!"
She nodded. "Lance Corporal Detritus, you heard the man. Read him his rights."
"You have de right to answer our questions. If you give up dis right, I have de right to break every bone in your body. Do you understan' dese rights as I have 'splained dem to you?"
Gaspode was looking up expectedly. "Bones?"
"Ten-SHUN!" Captain Carrot strode into the room. "Lance Corporal, I don't believe those rights are the ones you were taught, are they?"
"Um, no Captain."
The suspect squirmed again. "So put me down, you big pile of rocks!"
Captain Carrot bent over and looked into the suspect's face. It was a hatchet face, with a single eyebrow stretching across its entire width. "So, why were you there?"
"I don't have to tell you nothin', copper!"
Carrot gave him a warm, friendly smile. "How about at least telling me your name. Just like we were having a cozy chat. I'm Captain Carrot, and you are . . ?"
"Buzz off, flatfoot."
"Oh dear." Carrot straightened up. "Lance Corporal, check his i.d., if you please."
The troll, still holding the suspect's ankle with one hand, patted him down with the other. First he found a bad filled with about a pound of suspicious looking powder.
"What's dis?"
"Oh, my medication. I have, uh, a condition."
Detritus finished patting him down. "He ain't got no wallet."
"What?" shrieked the suspect.
Carrot took two giant steps and seized Cpl. Nobbs just as he was leaving the room.
"Hey!" squealed the little man1. When Carrot plucked the wallet from Nobby's hands, he blurted, "Hey! I found that on the floor! I was just bringing it back to him!"
Carrot ignored him. He began thumbing through the wallet's meager contents. "If found," Carrot read the words off a card, "please return to Q.E.D. Ipsofacto, Ph.D."
Gaspode snickered, "Return a wallet? You haven't been an Ankh-Morpork for too long, have you? Give the cute little doggie a treat."
Angua looked over Carrot's bulging shoulder at the card. "What's the Ph.D. stand for?"
A snide response started to form on the suspect's lips, but then happened to look up into her eyes and forgot what he was going to say.
"Pseudoscientim hucksteria, Doctoris," explained Carrot, who knew every bit of trivia this sprawling city had to offer, far better than anyone who was born and raised here. "The good doctor here is a graduate of the College of Certitude. It's a little place down on Locus Lane." Carrot put the card back in the wallet and returned it to the suspect. "So I'm Captain Carrot. You're Dr. Ipsofacto, and you were traversing Tenth Egg Street. Why?"
"How many times do I have to say it," snarled Dr. Ipsofacto. "I'm not going to tell you a bloody thing! The law says I don't have to talk, so I won't!"
"Indeed you don't," replied Carrot amicably. "Lance Corporal, we won't be booking this gentleman. There's just no evidence to justify an arrest. However, he does have vital evidence to a crime which was about to be committed, and so we'll be holding him as a material witness until he decides to talk. Take him downstairs and lock him in a cell, will you please?"
"What? You can't do that!"
"Ask him what he was searching for," suggested Gaspode. When Carrot shot a look at him, Gaspode added weakly, "bow wow?"
"Nothing!" gasped the upside-down suspect. Then he began to laugh, "I was looking for nothing! Ha ha ha. Nothing! Ha ha! Nothing! BwuhahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOTHING! BWAHAHAHA!"
̼
High up in the Little Big Tiny Mountains, Lapis Lazuli was gazing in wonder at a serene mountain lake surrounded by towering pine trees. "It's so beautiful!"
The two dwarves were the only creatures on two legs anywhere above ground.
"Yes, it is beautiful." Runt Thunderbelch wasn't looking at the lake. He had taken a step back and was gazing at Lapis's well armored backside. Runt had agreed to guide the dwarf maiden out of the mine and was taking this opportunity to ogle her long flowing hair and beard, her sparkling eyes, and her well-polished armor. It was time to make his move. . .although he had not yet figured out exactly what move to make.
She grabbed his forearm and with wild eyes exulted, "Let's go skinny dipping!"
"Okay." That would do nicely.
Their armor rattled enthusiastically onto the ground at the base of a grove of pine trees. Seconds later, they were hand in hand, with their jiggling portions wiggling as they raced to the top of a giant boulder overlooking the lake.
"I dare you," she said to him, looking down into the lake.
"I dare you right back," he retorted. "Wait. We should jump together. On the count of three, all right? One, two, three!"
They jumped.
Okay, let's think about this for a minute. What is in the lake? Water, right? And where does this water come from? Well, from the rivers and streams which feed into the lake, right? And how does the water get into the rivers and streams? Well, the snow in the mountains melts and drips down, gathers, and pretty soon you get a stream. Some streams join together, and you get a river, right? Okay, and so what is the temperature of the water in the lake? Oh, just a fraction of a degree above freezing.
Lapis Lazuli and Runt Thunderbelch plunged deep into the water. As the icy shock took them, all of their jiggling portions immediately ceased wiggling.
Runt struggled back up to the surface as fast as he could.
Lapis, screaming, shot out of the water like a rocket salmon and came down on him, grasping him tightly for any body heat that he had left. She was shaking like the ground during a cave in. "It's so c-c-c-c-cold! G-g-g-get me out of here!"
Runt couldn't help noticing that, at this exact moment, the woman of his dreams was stark naked and was wrapped around him so tightly that, if any blood had been flowing anywhere in his body, she would have cut off the circulation. "W-w-w-why? It's f-f-f-f-fine!"
"G-g-g-get me out of here!"
It was a matter of pleasure versus pain. It was very pleasurable having the naked Lapis Lazuli wrapped around him. In contrast, hearing his bones start to crackle under the pressure of her grip was a harbinger of so much pain. So Runt reluctantly waded ashore, where Lapis dismounted.
The both bent over, shivered, and gasped for breath.
"Oh no!"
Runt looked up. "What is it?"
"All of our clothes are gone!"
It was only then Runt realized that they had piled their armor at the edge of a grove of naughty pines. The impish trees had stolen everything! The wind blew thought their branches making a snicker sound while pinecones knocked together and sounded like chuckling.
"This isn't funny!2" roared Runt.
Somewhere off in the distance, a mountain hyena went into hysterics.
̼
Dr. Q.E.D. Ipsofacto paced angrily in his jail cell. Sure, he could use the exploding powder "medication" to open up the jail cell, but then where would he be? Deep within the bowels of the Pseudopolis Yard stationhouse, that's where. But there was a better way.
Dr. Ipsofacto couldn't help noticing that the guard's random walk-bys had become less and less frequent. He stood and unfastened his belt. His belt buckle looked like a big, wooden ring, but it was so much more. He unfastened it from his belt and then tied to two ends of his belt together.
He put both thumbs into the ring and began to gently but firmly pull. The wood began to slowly stretch and stretch and stretch. Soon he had a loop about two feet in diameter. He put his head into it and let the loop descend around his entire body. In a few seconds, he was through.
He found himself back home, standing in his own laboratory.
Igor looked up from where he was cleaning test tubes. "Good evening, Mathter. I didn't hear you come in. Have you had lunch? It'll only take me a moment to whip thumthing up."
̼
Gender discrimination is so unfair. For example, when Lapis and Runt returned to the mine, sans amoure, Lapis's parents sequestered her in her crevasse for a month. However, the Under King of the Little Big Tiny Mountains banished Runt from his mines forever. That seemed a little harsh.
Now an outcast, Runt donned his spare suit of armor, took his axe and started down the rocky slopes. The Under King had also denied Runt any gold, and a dwarf without gold is hardly a dwarf at all.
He passed by the grove of naughty pines. They were still giggling.
Runt stopped and glared at the trees. They tried to stop, but all they managed to do was to make some choking nasal sounds before the laughter exploded out of them again.
Fury swelled within Runt. He stepped up to the nearest pine and CHOP! CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, CHOP!3
Severed branches lay at Runt's feet. He noticed they were all hollow. But they'd have to be, wouldn't they, if the naughty pines were going to bend their limbs in order to, say, steal someone's clothes. Runt had heard of "naught holes" and knew that to some folks, these holes were very valuable.
So he chopped the limbs into donut-shaped pieces, put the pieces in his empty treasure pouch, and continued down the slope.
̼
Captain Carrot, Sergeant Angua, and Lance Corporal Detritus stared in consternation into Dr. Ipsofacto's empty jail cell.
"Dere's nobody dere," observed the troll.
"Where did he go?" asked Carrot.
Angua sniffed. Dr. Ipsofacto has been in the cell all right, but there was no odor of any path left by him when he exited. He hadn't gone out the door. He hadn't escaped through the barred window. She reported to Carrot what her nose told her.
Carrot nodded thoughtfully. "Commander Vimes once taught me that, if you eliminate the impossible, anything which is left – no matter how improbable – is what happened. So, what have we eliminated?"
"Everything."
"And what is left?"
"Nothing."
Carrot scratched his big, square chin. "I think we should call in Commander Vimes."
̼
At the very base of the Little Big Tiny Mountains, stood the Temple of Zed. Runt approached the marble edifice with awe.
Every dwarf knew that marble was limestone which had been compressed over eons under mind-boggling pressure and in heat so great it would make a dragon tap dance. Marble was extremely rare and valuable. It was impossible ignore the combination of its beauty and its unimaginable value. Runt Thunderbelch stumbled forward as if he were being drawn by a magnet.
Before the glistening temple, was a gigantic Zero, carved from a single piece of ultra-rare pink marble. Acolytes were kowtowing before it, worshipping the gigantic numeral.
Runt went up to the priest who was overseeing the service. Curious, the dwarf asked, "Is Nothing sacred?"
The priest did not turn. "Aye," he said. "Zed is the Great Destroyer and the Great Creator. Hallowed be His name. All vanishes at His touch. Infinity times Zero is . . . Zero. Yet, divide anything by Zero, and it becomes infinite. Yea, we mortals arise from nothing, and to nothing, we return. A wise man contemplate Zero, stranger, for when a man understands nothing, he understands everything."
Runt thought about this. He reached into his treasure bag, pulled out one of the donut holes, and held it up before the priest.
"What is that?"
"A naught hole."
"It looks like a hole. How can you say it's not a hole?"
"It is a hole. It's a naught hole."
"So it is, and it is not, a hole?"
"Uh, um, er . . . precisely."
"Hmmmmm, interesting." The priest took the piece of wood and examined it. "Lo, it bears the holy shape of Zero."
"That it does. So, how much will you pay me for it?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Nothing? It's nature's manifestation of your Great God! How can you say you'll pay be nothing for it? Why that's practically blasphemy!"
"You're right," said the priest. "I'll double my price."
"Now wait a minute!"
"All right. I'll triple it! Now, are you happy?"
"You're still offering me ZERO!"
"Hallowed be His name."
"Offer me gold."
"Bah, gold is nothing!"
"Then offer me twice as much. Offer me diamonds."
"Diamonds are nothing."
"Offer me rubies, and emeralds, and sapphires!"
"Nothing, nothing, and still more nothing."
"And so my grand total is . . . ?"
"Nothing."
"Fine. I take all that I can carry."
The priest regarded Runt. "Allow me to enlighten you, stranger. Can you guess how much our collection plate held at the end of our last holy service?"
"Um . . . nothing?"
"And the collection before that? And the one before that?"
"Nothing and nothing?"
The priest shrugged helplessly. "So you see my problem."
"Are you saying you can do nothing to help me?"
A long pause ensued. "Well, perhaps. -About a week ago, I came across that most mysterious man who dwells in the dark tower down by the river. He seemed to be searching for something. I ask him what it was, he said, 'Nothing.' I of course was delighted and tried to enlighten him in the ways of Zed. But he said Zed was not the nothing he was looking for. Perhaps your curious 'naught holes' will satisfy his needs."
̼
His Grace, Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh-Morpork and Commander of the City Watch strode into the station house. Lumbering after him ambled the Chair of Indefinite Studies, still chewing on a braised albatross leg, seasoned with paprika and dill.
"What's the problem, Carrot?"
"We've had an escape, sir, a most bizarre one."
"I heard. That's why I brought along . . ." Sam shot a thumb over his shoulder at the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
"I say," said the rotund wizard cheerily, "are we actually going to see incarcerated miscreants?"
"This way," said Carrot and he led the way down to the cells. "We were holding him as a material witness, but when the guard did his routine walk-by, the man was gone. The cell's still locked, and there's no sign of any break out."
The Chair of Indefinite Studies sniffed. "Was he by any chance wearing a pointy hat?"
"No sir, a hooded cloak."
"Hmmmm, then definitely not a wizard. Still, won't do any harm to check, eh what?" He rummaged through his collection of pockets and finally located a pair of large-lensed 8-D spectacles. When he put them one, the colors of the lenses began shifting from red, to orange, to yellow, to green, to blue, to indigo, to violet, to octorine. The Chair of Indefinite Studies sniffed again and removed the spectacles. "It's just as I thought," he announced. "There's been no magic used in this cell for months, perhaps years."
"He had a card on him," said Carrot, "which indicated he graduated from the College of Certitude."
"C.C.?" The Chair of Indefinite Studies frowned. "Not U.U.?"
"Yes, yes."
"Uh oh."
"Woof, woof," added Gaspode, just to keep up his end of the conversation.
Sam Vimes frowned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I'm sure of it," replied the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "But where to get an entire roast pig on such short notice?"
"No, I'm thinking that if he didn't use the door or window to escape, and if he didn't use magic, then he most likely used quantum."
"Oooooh," moaned the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "I hate that stuff."
"Me too," nodded Sam. He asked Carrot, "Did the man do or say anything peculiar?"
"You mean like: 'Nothing. I was looking for nothing! Ha ha ha. Nothing! Ha ha! Nothing! BwuhahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOTHING! BWAHAHAHA!'?"
"Oh my god," breathed Sam. "We've got a mad scientist on the loose."
̼
The twin doors of the dark tower down by the river boasted a pair of giant knockers. Runt lifted one of the heavy iron rings and let if fall. BOOM!
A moment later, a shuffling sound could be heard inside and one of the doors was opened by a hunchback with more scars than a post-war surgery. "Yeth? May I help you?"
"No," replied Runt holding up one of his naught holes and smiling. "May I help you?"
Igor gazed at the naught hole. "Oh, the mathter will be tho pleathed. Come in, won't you?"
1 The Gamblers' Guild was laying 8-5 odds that Nobby was indeed human.
2 "This isn't funny!" is the only sentence in the history of both the Discworld and the Roundworld which, whenever spoken, has always been untrue. No matter what circumstances give rise to this utterance, whenever this phrase is spoken, whatever happened immediately before was as funny as a hound dog on roller skates.
3 Moral: Never laugh at an axe-wielding dwarf.