Loving Ishida Yamato

Author: Rae

Disclaimer: Don't own, and don't want to. It would be too time-consuming.

Warning/Summary: This starts as a one-sided Daito/Daimato. It's ending is a mystery even to the author. Dais tries spilling his guts to a certain blonde, and ends up revealing everything.

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"I knew you. Before I saw you, before we ever met. I knew everything there ever was to know about you. You are a part of me, and no matter what, you can't take that from me. I know you better than I know myself, and the scary thing about that is that it doesn't scare me.

"I know fear, and I know courage, and the only difference is the inability to back away. I've never managed it. I can't run, and I can't turn away. I've stared my death in the face, and laughed. The only thing that honestly makes me tremble in fright is the thought that you will somehow find a way to remove yourself from my life. I don't think that I could stand that."

"Why are you telling me all this now?" His voice was quiet, emotionless in the shadows of my little bedroom. I stared at him, my eyes soft as I study the way the light curled around his thin frame, hiding the strength that I knew existed in his arms. His blonde hair was styled meticulously, as always.

"Because I think you have a right to know. Tomorrow, we won't be able to see each other half so much, and I didn't want to lose the chance to say everything I could. One of those, 'what-if' things." I smile slightly, my eyes aching from the effort to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. Every good fantasy starts with him declaring his love for me, but he's simply sitting there, watching me without expression, his blue eyes focused on my face with a vague confusion. "We were never close, and I know all the reasons why."

He opens his mouth, but I raise my hand to silence him. Knowing Matt, he's about to either shoot me down, or try to come up with a lame reason for my last sentence.

"Don't. I know you, Ishida Yamato, and you can't hide from me." I can feel the smile on my face widen, and I try to look as gentle and understanding as possible. It's so hard, when he continues to look at me silently, his face never changing in its regard of me. "I was at your first concert, you know. Not the harmonica playing in the Digital World, but the first time the Wolves stood on stage, and you sang your heart out to an audience that didn't know what to expect."

He smiles slightly, the barest twitching of his lips. "They were so silent."

"You blew them away. I don't think that there was a person in the room who didn't want to corner you in the hall afterwards."

"You did?" I swallow, caught. His smile grows into a smirk, and his eyes are teasing me now, laughing at me. "I never knew."

"Yeah, well. Don't even start in on all that crap. You know, the stuff that goes 'oh, I'm so flattered, but', or the horribly lame 'thank you, maybe' that means never. I don't want empty words from you, Matt. Personally, I think I deserve better than that, like a chance, but I can't ask for that." He frowns slightly. "It's outside the realm of friendship, Matt, to use your inability to hurt your friends against you. I would never do that to you."

"Thank you." He doesn't seem to know what else to say, so I just smile at him some more, feeling more and more like an idiot with each passing second. He's been great, really. Meeting me, and letting me have my say without too many interruptions. He's sat through it all quietly, as if this sort of thing happened every day.

"Yeah, well…" I trail off, realizing that I've probably been repeating myself for the last few minutes, my nervousness apparent in each broken phrase. I stand up rubbing the back of my neck unconsciously. "Thanks for meeting me, and everything. Been great talking to you, and all. Good luck at college, and a have a great time, and all that."

He stands also, regarding me with a thoughtful expression. "Are you kicking me out?" His head is tilted to one side, the angle making the light reflect in his eyes.

"You don't have to go. Jun will be up soon, and I thought, maybe, that you wouldn't want to be cornered by her." He smiles, his eyes never once leaving mine. "I know that she doesn't have a thing for you any more, but she keeps trying to corner every available person that she knows, and talk their ear off about the great guy that she keeps going out with. Nice guy, don't get me wrong. Met him twice now, and they match well."

"It's annoying when somebody tries to constantly overlay your feelings with their constant happiness."

"Is that a hint?" He shakes his head, not making a single move to leave. He's studying me patiently. "Calm down, Davis." His use of my nickname is enough to make me grit my teeth. "Dais."

His eyes are light as he ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it.

"How long have we know each other, Dais?" I frown, thrown off by the question.

"Four years." I'm sixteen, and he's eighteen, going on nineteen. So, okay, it isn't exactly the best match age-wise. Like I had a chance to begin with? "Why? You knew that already."

"I knew. I was just trying to figure out why you're telling me this now, Dais." He keeps saying my name, and each time he does, the sound sends a tingle down my spine. "Or is this something you're just know figuring out?"

I shake my head. "I've known forever how I felt, Matt." I can't help it. If I call him Yamato, I'm going to swoon, or have a heart attack. I can't say his name without some sort of side effect, normally the blood rushing to my lower anatomy, but that's besides the point. It's not just physical. I can tell you his favorite food, candy, drink, spot to hang-out, brand of hair-gel, make-out spot, club, friend, car, song, band, shirt, pants, and his favorite accessory.

His face is back to being blank, but I get the feeling that he's contemplating something, thinking things through. It's not that hard, Matt. Just say everything's cool, and we can go on as before. You're only going to university, it's not as if you're leaving the country. Tell me we can still be friends, and that you'll still tell me that I can't sing

"When did you decide you were gay, Dais?" That question, huh? Interesting, but not unpredictable.

"The first time that I realized that I'd rather look at you than Kari." It's true. TZ's hotty, and Ken is just perfect, but the only guy that I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with, or at least sleep with once, is standing in front of me, waiting for something that I'm not quite certain how to give.

See, that's the problem with being in love with Matt. I can tell you almost anything about him that you want to know, and quite a few things that I think only a psycho could want to know, but I can't tell you how he feels about me. It's that whole problem with seeing what you want to see, and not being able to believe the reality for the fantasies that get mixed up in everything. For everything I might have thought I saw, there was a dream, or a thought that could have been confused with it.

"Thank you, Daisuke." He nods at me, and moves toward the door, his tall, lanky form treading quietly on my carpet. He pauses in the doorway, his blue eyes meeting mine. "It's an honor, Dais, it really is." He pauses, his brow furrowing as he decides that he wants to say something more. "The next few weeks are going to be rather hectic, but there's a four day weekend at the end of the October."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He doesn't say anything more, just leaves me standing in my room, confused and alone. Being in love with Ishida Yamato is not all it's cracked up to be.