I never thought it would be a fairy tale, with true love conquering all and a happily ever after. I'm not much of a noble, dragon-slaying prince, and nobody with eyes, ears and/or a brain would ever call Kara a princess. We each had our problems, and even more between the two of us, but I always thought, somehow, that we would get past them. I thought we'd have at least a moment of fairy-tale happiness, or that we'd get that ever after, even if it wasn't always happy.
It was a stupid thought. We were never good at resolving things, just at fighting or dancing around issues with jokes and sarcasm. We could be happy friends like that, but avoidance wouldn't allow us anything else, anything more. We both knew that, and we both avoided dealing with anything anyway. It was easier that way, and I assumed we'd figure things out eventually.
But getting to eventually would require both of us to survive long enough. Being a pilot is dangerous, and every time we set out for even a routine patrol, there was a good chance of one or both of us not coming back. I knew that perfectly well, had it confirmed every time I had to redo the flight roster as another pilot was injured or killed, but a part of me couldn't help thinking that Kara, at least, was invincible. The great Starbuck would always make it back, even when we all thought she was dead.
That part of me knows better now.
There was no body; her Viper exploded before she could eject, leaving nothing but a cloud of debris that was left behind when we jumped away. It was all over in a few seconds, so sudden that my mind still can't accept it. I know people can die, even people I care about, but it's one thing to know that and another to remember that I won't see Kara lying under a Viper, covered with grease, or laughing at the card table. She won't make fun of me or yell at me or hit me or kiss me because she's dead and gone.
I thought we had time. I thought it was okay to shove the complicated part of my feelings for Kara aside until this war was over and I could make sense of them without regulations and Cylons and the imminent threat of death hanging over us. I thought I'd have a chance, and now I never will because this is real life and the good guys die too. How could I not have seen that sooner?
It's over. It's over and Kara's gone and it doesn't matter what I feel or what she felt because we missed our chance. So goes my fairy tale: once upon a time, there was a man and there was a woman, with no princes or princesses in sight. They were friends, mostly, and might have been more and might have been happy, but the woman died and the man was left to go on alone with his memories and his regrets. Ever after.