Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Except for Bob the talking trunk. And possibly the Sacred Fish.
((Author Notes: Before you ask, yes, I am insane. This takes place sometime after Book 4, for there are spoilers at the end. All plotholes are deliberate. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows and make S'mores. If you don't like, don't flame. Tell my why you didn't like it. Constructive criticism is much better than pointless flames.))
Adventures in Insanity
Chapter 1: What the--? Draco's weird day
Even before he woke up and opened his eyes, Draco Malfoy knew that he was going to have a very weird day. Why? Well, for starters, Crabbe and Goyle were belching a Michael Jackson song, and they didn't even know any Michael Jackson songs. Neither did Draco, for that matter, so he didn't know how he could recognize what they were belching as such. Never the less, there they were. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, which he immediately regretted, because they were not only belching a Michael Jackson song, they were also dancing, or rather, Moonwalking.
Hoping that they were simply under a spell, he slowly got out of bed, keeping a wary watch on his fellow Slytherins, lest they attempt to get him to join in. It was unfortunate that he watched them instead of where he was going, for he bumped (and fell over) right into his trunk, which had positioned itself for just that.
"Ow! Dammit!" Draco swore as he sat up, rubbing his leg, which was now hurting. In doing so, he suddenly realized... "Why am I wearing leather pants?!" He broke into a string of profanities that will not be said here, lest the rating become higher than it already is.
"Hmph. I would think that would be obvious. This isn't your reality anymore," his trunk huffed, stunning Draco into silence. He could only stare in shock as it began to talk again. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's a trunk in the girls' dormitories that I've been having my eye on. Laters!" With that, the trunk began moving towards the door.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, during which Crabbe and Goyle had started upon a new song, Draco finally found his ability to speak again (but not move yet). "Guys! There's a talking, moving trunk going across the room right now!"
Crabbe stopped his belching and looked at Malfoy as though he was the stupidest creature ever to walk the earth. "Of course he is. What did you expect?"
Goyle waved to the trunk. "Bye, Bob!" The trunk, or rather, "Bob," waved back, despite the fact that that's not possible, and the two of them resumed belching Michael Jackson songs.
Seconds passed, and about 42 of those passings of the seconds later, Draco finally decided that he had to get out of there. True, he feared that the rest of the castle was worse, but his roommates' breath was starting to stink up the room. He looked down at himself, unsure of whether he should go out wearing nothing but leather pants. Well, that and the shoes he somehow was now wearing. Deciding to risk it, he quickly got off the floor, and dashed out of the dorm room, which he immediately regretted.
The common room was now completely covered in mirrors, in which the Potions Master was gazing. "Yes, I am dead sexy," he muttered to the mirror, which responded with something along the lines of "Well, of course you are. How else would you have so many fangirls?"
Praying that Snape didn't see him, Draco tried to run out of the common room. Unfortunately, tried is the key word, as apparently something had happened during the night that made the entrance/exit to the common room disappear and become nothing but wall. So nursing a bloody nose, which thankfully wasn't broken, Draco looked around the room, hoping to find some other way out. But alas, none was to be found. Perhaps if it were not located in the dungeons, there might have been a window that he could have crawled out of...
Seeing his student's predicament in the mirror, Snape turned around, scowling. "You're not going to be able to leave until you feed the sacred fish." Seeing Draco's look of confusion, the professor pointed to a shark tank that had not been there before, but never the less, was there.
Being as that he had no other method of escape, Draco decided that it be best if he played along. "Well, what do I feed it?"
Once again he was given the 'how-can-anyone-be-that-stupid?' look. "It prefers first years, but it will take second or third years if it's particularly hungry and not in a picky mood." And so, Snape turned back around to admiring himself in the mirror, saying something along the lines of "I don't care how I'm described in the books, I must be dead sexy, for indeed I have many fangirls."
Draco thought it be best to leave, but remembered that until he fed the "sacred fish", he'd be unable to. He didn't know any first years (or second or third years), so he wouldn't know who to feed to it anyway. And why was he now even thinking about feeding anyone to the shark? Oh, to get away from this madness. Get away from this madness...
He hesitantly approached the shark tank. "Um, excuse me, but would it be possible for me to leave without feeding you, or possibly offer myself as food? I really want to get out of here, and at this point it doesn't really matter how."
The shark quirked an eyebrow at him, despite the fact that sharks don't have eyebrows. ((AN: I think.)) "You have no clue, do you? I suppose I could let you go, as long as you complete a quest for me. See, neither of us wants a part in this insanity fic, and I can't find my way out as long as I remain the Sacred Fish. So, um..."
"You want me to find a way out?" An insanity fic? That explained a lot.
The shark nodded. "Would you? And death is not an option. I have a wife and kids back home that would be devastated if I lost my life in an insanity fic. Not to mention that you have an ongoing contract with some famous author person, and couldn't afford to die either."
Indeed, the shark was odd, but Draco knew that this might be his only chance of getting out. "Um, okay..."
The shark smiled, revealing its many sharp, pointy teeth. "Excellent! Off you go, then!" The tank moved aside, revealing a way out. "Just remember that if you fail, there could very well be a sequel!"
Draco shuddered, nodded, and rushed out the opening, all at the same time, which resulted in him crashing to the ground outside. Wondering for a moment if perhaps it would be better to just lay there, he couldn't help but remember that shark's haunting words that there very well could be a sequel if he couldn't find his way out. If he needed any further motivation, it came in the form of Filch - who was wearing a tutu - waltzing down the hallway with Mrs. Norris. Shaking his head, he slowly stood up, and walked the other way down the hallway, trying to get that most frightening image out of his mind. Perhaps he could have someone use a memory charm.
He walked, and walked, and for a while, it seemed that nothing else would bother him. Granted, he was in an unfamiliar part of the school, and completely lost, but at least nothing weird was happening. Well, the singing coming from that empty classroom might be-- Singing from an empty classroom?! This wasn't good. Reluctantly, he opened the door a crack and peeked inside.
Instantly, he wished he hadn't. Inside, Harry Potter was tied up, while Lord Voldemort was dancing and singing "Sweet Transvestite". What was scarier was that Voldemort was in costume. Draco quickly left the room and shut the door, which got Potter's attention, but apparently not that of the Dark Lord. Or else the Dark Lord just didn't care.
"Wait! Whoever you are! Come back!" Harry shouted. But it was too late, for somehow Draco had managed to run into the Great Hall, despite the fact that he was totally lost not too long before, and probably nowhere near the Great Hall.
Of course the Great Hall was probably not the best place to run into, for there was a hoe-down taking place in it at the time. Draco stood frozen at the doors, stunned beyond belief. His father always told him that Dumbledore was a crackpot, but all of the other professors were dancing at the hoe-down. Even Professor Snape -- who must have been pried away from the mirrors in the Slytherin common room -- was there and surrounded by a flock of fangirls. And what would a hoe-down be if there weren't a few barnyard animals lurking about? And indeed, there were a few pigs crossing the dance floor, and a cow was mooing in the far corner.
Exiting the Great Hall, he sat down in the Entrance Hall, wondering why he was stuck in a fic such as this. What had he done to deserve this? True, he had been an obnoxious git in the books, but did that mean that he had to be the "normal guy" in an insanity fic? Or even take the slightest part in an insanity fic at all? Pondering such things, he just sat, not wanting to explore the castle any further, just in case something weirder happened. Of course, that wasn't the best plan in the world.
Draco looked up at the shadow looming over him. 'Not him. Anyone but him...' Alas Gilderoy Lockhart was, for whatever reason, back in Hogwarts and facing him right now. "I get it. I'll leave," Draco muttered as he stood up.
Lockhart looked confused. "But, I'm your spirit guide. I'm here to show you the way out. I-- Gyaa!" Malfoy had grabbed him by the shirt collar and slammed him against the wall.
"You know the way out? Why didn't you tell me sooner? What kind of half-ass spirit guide are you?!" Small golden sparks began to emanate from Draco.
Lockhart's eyes widened. "I... um... that is..."
"It's because he's not your spirit guide. I am," spoke the ghost of Cedric Diggory, who was looking none to pleased that the former DADA teacher locked him up in a broom closet. "So let's get this over with..."
Lockhart smiled condescendingly at the ghost. "I think I know a little more on being a spirit guide than you do. After all, I am a-- Gyaa!" He found himself flying high in the sky, way past the Forbidden Forest, until he was no longer in sight.
Draco blinked a few times, his confusion overtaking his anger. "Um..."
Cedric smiled. "I never liked him." He turned back to Draco, his face serious. "The good news is, the fic's almost over. The author is on a sugar low, and is running low on inspiration for this insanity fic. The bad news is, there's the possibility of a sequel. I suppose that the good news about that is you wouldn't be the only star. But you'd be just as insane as the other leads, so I suppose that it couldn't be all that good. Pray that she doesn't get inspired to write the sequel."
Draco nodded. "The author's female. That explains a lot." Unsurprisingly, he was suddenly buried under a pile of rubber chickens that decided to land on him.
Cedric laughed. "Good luck. You'll need it." With that, he vanished. Which was a good thing too, because moments later six oversized letters landed on the spot where he once had been standing, er, floating. Draco was able to dig himself partially out of the sea of rubber chickens to see.
THE END
Draco cheered. "Thank Dog!" Then six more letters and a question mark appeared and squished the previous letters.
OR IS IT?
Draco's eyes widened, and his scream could be heard everywhere. "Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
Elsewhere, the Sacred Fish began swearing about how he would have his revenge for whatever reason he could think of, just so long as he had his revenge.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
Next time on "Disco Voldemort's Super Fun Time Hour", Draco gets the shock of his life, then gets tormented some more. Also, the potions lab blows up, and someone dies. Stay tuned!
((Author Notes: Before you ask, yes, I am insane. This takes place sometime after Book 4, for there are spoilers at the end. All plotholes are deliberate. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows and make S'mores. If you don't like, don't flame. Tell my why you didn't like it. Constructive criticism is much better than pointless flames.))
Even before he woke up and opened his eyes, Draco Malfoy knew that he was going to have a very weird day. Why? Well, for starters, Crabbe and Goyle were belching a Michael Jackson song, and they didn't even know any Michael Jackson songs. Neither did Draco, for that matter, so he didn't know how he could recognize what they were belching as such. Never the less, there they were. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, which he immediately regretted, because they were not only belching a Michael Jackson song, they were also dancing, or rather, Moonwalking.
Hoping that they were simply under a spell, he slowly got out of bed, keeping a wary watch on his fellow Slytherins, lest they attempt to get him to join in. It was unfortunate that he watched them instead of where he was going, for he bumped (and fell over) right into his trunk, which had positioned itself for just that.
"Ow! Dammit!" Draco swore as he sat up, rubbing his leg, which was now hurting. In doing so, he suddenly realized... "Why am I wearing leather pants?!" He broke into a string of profanities that will not be said here, lest the rating become higher than it already is.
"Hmph. I would think that would be obvious. This isn't your reality anymore," his trunk huffed, stunning Draco into silence. He could only stare in shock as it began to talk again. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's a trunk in the girls' dormitories that I've been having my eye on. Laters!" With that, the trunk began moving towards the door.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, during which Crabbe and Goyle had started upon a new song, Draco finally found his ability to speak again (but not move yet). "Guys! There's a talking, moving trunk going across the room right now!"
Crabbe stopped his belching and looked at Malfoy as though he was the stupidest creature ever to walk the earth. "Of course he is. What did you expect?"
Goyle waved to the trunk. "Bye, Bob!" The trunk, or rather, "Bob," waved back, despite the fact that that's not possible, and the two of them resumed belching Michael Jackson songs.
Seconds passed, and about 42 of those passings of the seconds later, Draco finally decided that he had to get out of there. True, he feared that the rest of the castle was worse, but his roommates' breath was starting to stink up the room. He looked down at himself, unsure of whether he should go out wearing nothing but leather pants. Well, that and the shoes he somehow was now wearing. Deciding to risk it, he quickly got off the floor, and dashed out of the dorm room, which he immediately regretted.
The common room was now completely covered in mirrors, in which the Potions Master was gazing. "Yes, I am dead sexy," he muttered to the mirror, which responded with something along the lines of "Well, of course you are. How else would you have so many fangirls?"
Praying that Snape didn't see him, Draco tried to run out of the common room. Unfortunately, tried is the key word, as apparently something had happened during the night that made the entrance/exit to the common room disappear and become nothing but wall. So nursing a bloody nose, which thankfully wasn't broken, Draco looked around the room, hoping to find some other way out. But alas, none was to be found. Perhaps if it were not located in the dungeons, there might have been a window that he could have crawled out of...
Seeing his student's predicament in the mirror, Snape turned around, scowling. "You're not going to be able to leave until you feed the sacred fish." Seeing Draco's look of confusion, the professor pointed to a shark tank that had not been there before, but never the less, was there.
Being as that he had no other method of escape, Draco decided that it be best if he played along. "Well, what do I feed it?"
Once again he was given the 'how-can-anyone-be-that-stupid?' look. "It prefers first years, but it will take second or third years if it's particularly hungry and not in a picky mood." And so, Snape turned back around to admiring himself in the mirror, saying something along the lines of "I don't care how I'm described in the books, I must be dead sexy, for indeed I have many fangirls."
Draco thought it be best to leave, but remembered that until he fed the "sacred fish", he'd be unable to. He didn't know any first years (or second or third years), so he wouldn't know who to feed to it anyway. And why was he now even thinking about feeding anyone to the shark? Oh, to get away from this madness. Get away from this madness...
He hesitantly approached the shark tank. "Um, excuse me, but would it be possible for me to leave without feeding you, or possibly offer myself as food? I really want to get out of here, and at this point it doesn't really matter how."
The shark quirked an eyebrow at him, despite the fact that sharks don't have eyebrows. ((AN: I think.)) "You have no clue, do you? I suppose I could let you go, as long as you complete a quest for me. See, neither of us wants a part in this insanity fic, and I can't find my way out as long as I remain the Sacred Fish. So, um..."
"You want me to find a way out?" An insanity fic? That explained a lot.
The shark nodded. "Would you? And death is not an option. I have a wife and kids back home that would be devastated if I lost my life in an insanity fic. Not to mention that you have an ongoing contract with some famous author person, and couldn't afford to die either."
Indeed, the shark was odd, but Draco knew that this might be his only chance of getting out. "Um, okay..."
The shark smiled, revealing its many sharp, pointy teeth. "Excellent! Off you go, then!" The tank moved aside, revealing a way out. "Just remember that if you fail, there could very well be a sequel!"
Draco shuddered, nodded, and rushed out the opening, all at the same time, which resulted in him crashing to the ground outside. Wondering for a moment if perhaps it would be better to just lay there, he couldn't help but remember that shark's haunting words that there very well could be a sequel if he couldn't find his way out. If he needed any further motivation, it came in the form of Filch - who was wearing a tutu - waltzing down the hallway with Mrs. Norris. Shaking his head, he slowly stood up, and walked the other way down the hallway, trying to get that most frightening image out of his mind. Perhaps he could have someone use a memory charm.
He walked, and walked, and for a while, it seemed that nothing else would bother him. Granted, he was in an unfamiliar part of the school, and completely lost, but at least nothing weird was happening. Well, the singing coming from that empty classroom might be-- Singing from an empty classroom?! This wasn't good. Reluctantly, he opened the door a crack and peeked inside.
Instantly, he wished he hadn't. Inside, Harry Potter was tied up, while Lord Voldemort was dancing and singing "Sweet Transvestite". What was scarier was that Voldemort was in costume. Draco quickly left the room and shut the door, which got Potter's attention, but apparently not that of the Dark Lord. Or else the Dark Lord just didn't care.
"Wait! Whoever you are! Come back!" Harry shouted. But it was too late, for somehow Draco had managed to run into the Great Hall, despite the fact that he was totally lost not too long before, and probably nowhere near the Great Hall.
Of course the Great Hall was probably not the best place to run into, for there was a hoe-down taking place in it at the time. Draco stood frozen at the doors, stunned beyond belief. His father always told him that Dumbledore was a crackpot, but all of the other professors were dancing at the hoe-down. Even Professor Snape -- who must have been pried away from the mirrors in the Slytherin common room -- was there and surrounded by a flock of fangirls. And what would a hoe-down be if there weren't a few barnyard animals lurking about? And indeed, there were a few pigs crossing the dance floor, and a cow was mooing in the far corner.
Exiting the Great Hall, he sat down in the Entrance Hall, wondering why he was stuck in a fic such as this. What had he done to deserve this? True, he had been an obnoxious git in the books, but did that mean that he had to be the "normal guy" in an insanity fic? Or even take the slightest part in an insanity fic at all? Pondering such things, he just sat, not wanting to explore the castle any further, just in case something weirder happened. Of course, that wasn't the best plan in the world.
Draco looked up at the shadow looming over him. 'Not him. Anyone but him...' Alas Gilderoy Lockhart was, for whatever reason, back in Hogwarts and facing him right now. "I get it. I'll leave," Draco muttered as he stood up.
Lockhart looked confused. "But, I'm your spirit guide. I'm here to show you the way out. I-- Gyaa!" Malfoy had grabbed him by the shirt collar and slammed him against the wall.
"You know the way out? Why didn't you tell me sooner? What kind of half-ass spirit guide are you?!" Small golden sparks began to emanate from Draco.
Lockhart's eyes widened. "I... um... that is..."
"It's because he's not your spirit guide. I am," spoke the ghost of Cedric Diggory, who was looking none to pleased that the former DADA teacher locked him up in a broom closet. "So let's get this over with..."
Lockhart smiled condescendingly at the ghost. "I think I know a little more on being a spirit guide than you do. After all, I am a-- Gyaa!" He found himself flying high in the sky, way past the Forbidden Forest, until he was no longer in sight.
Draco blinked a few times, his confusion overtaking his anger. "Um..."
Cedric smiled. "I never liked him." He turned back to Draco, his face serious. "The good news is, the fic's almost over. The author is on a sugar low, and is running low on inspiration for this insanity fic. The bad news is, there's the possibility of a sequel. I suppose that the good news about that is you wouldn't be the only star. But you'd be just as insane as the other leads, so I suppose that it couldn't be all that good. Pray that she doesn't get inspired to write the sequel."
Draco nodded. "The author's female. That explains a lot." Unsurprisingly, he was suddenly buried under a pile of rubber chickens that decided to land on him.
Cedric laughed. "Good luck. You'll need it." With that, he vanished. Which was a good thing too, because moments later six oversized letters landed on the spot where he once had been standing, er, floating. Draco was able to dig himself partially out of the sea of rubber chickens to see.
THE END
Draco cheered. "Thank Dog!" Then six more letters and a question mark appeared and squished the previous letters.
OR IS IT?
Draco's eyes widened, and his scream could be heard everywhere. "Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
Elsewhere, the Sacred Fish began swearing about how he would have his revenge for whatever reason he could think of, just so long as he had his revenge.
----- ----- ----- ----- -----
Next time on "Disco Voldemort's Super Fun Time Hour", Draco gets the shock of his life, then gets tormented some more. Also, the potions lab blows up, and someone dies. Stay tuned!