A/N: Okay, I am actually really ashamed of this. I was in a horrible mood when I wrote it, but I figured I'd post it and see what everyone thinks. I may write another chapter, but then again I may not.
Chapter 1
In Which Lots of Magical Shit Happens
There once was kid named Harry...somethingorother. His parents were like, famous, yo! They were so famous that some weird, snake-faced old guy wanted to kill them. So they went into hiding, but, were, like, so stupid that they didn't tell the omnipotent super-human on-the-side-of-good old guy, Dumbledick, or something like that, who their REAL secret-keeper was. So they died.
Harry...somethingorother was taken and put in a home with his horrible relatives who made him sleep in a closet, and because Dumbledick didn't bother to check up on him, he stayed there until he was eleven, but that's okay, because he still turned out to be a perfect, polite, sweet, kind, self-sacrificing hero, instead of being a psycho with tons of personality disorders, like any normal person would have. So he was eleven, living in a closet, and he got a letter, but his relatives were paranoid idiots, and they totally freaked out and moved to a little shack on a rock in the middle of nowhere. But a huge giant dude showed up and told Harry that he was a wizard. Whoopity-shit. So, Harry and the giant dude left, and took the boat with them, leaving the Dursleys to die a slow death of starvation. Harry found out he was famous, shook a lot of hands, kissed a lot of babies, and all that shit, then went to Hogpimples and made friends with a poor as dirt redheaded freak and a snotty overbearing know-it-all. He had lots of fun before saving the Magician's Rock from the snakey old guy. Whoooo.
He went back to his relatives house, and because they had somehow managed to not die on that miserable rock, they were there to mistreat him as usual. But that's okay, because he's the long-suffering type. A house elf thingy showed up and did some magic, Harry got a letter, his uncle put bars on his window, and the redheaded freak saved him.
So they were at Hogpimples again, and the hero guy started hearing voices because he got some bad speed. Then he started hearing a snakey coughbasiliskcough thing crawling around in the walls. Which was even worse. And the redheaded freak's sister got an evil possessed diary, but she wrote in it anyway, and the evil dude made her do unspeakable things. He also made her open the Chamberpot of Secretions and set the snakey thing on random people. And everybody thought that Harry was doing it because he could talk to snakes, and he was really upset, and Dumbledick got taken away, and the redheaded freak'ssister got taken into the Chamber thing. So, being the perfect, polite, sweet, kind, long-suffering, humble, self-sacrificing, amazing hero that he is, he decided to go down and heroically rescue her. So he went into the chamber, and some magical shit went down. Harry beat the snakey thing, then he beat the evil dude (3 out of 3! Go Harry!), then he did good on exams, then he left and went back to his horrible relative until next year.
The End