I never thought it would be this way. Never thought I could feel this broken, yet here I am drunk as hell on my couch watching her from across the room. Seeing her with him is nauseating. The way she's smiling at him and clinging to his side, it reminds me of high school. I still don't understand how things got this way. We used to be so close. Thank God Puck is rolling a blunt right now because although the alcohol feels good, it's still fucks with my head. I need to smoke and get numb. With loud music blaring throughout the house and dozens of drunk people shuffling in and out, I let the drug do its job. After a few rotations I begin to feel calm and I sink into my little comfort place. 'San? Hello? Dude, wake the fuck up!' Puck slaps my leg and I'm immediately forced out of my thoughts. He grins as I glare back at him. 'I need a drink.' I say as I get up and push past him. I make my way to the kitchen walking past the beer pong table surrounded by the usual jocks and douche bags. Reaching into the fridge, I find the secret stash of beer that Puck and I always hide when we have parties. As I move to get out of the kitchen, my shoulder bumps into someone else's hard. 'Sorry.' We both say and immediately my body tenses up. I look up and am met with blue eyes that shared the same surprise I felt. 'It's cool.' I say as I walk past her maybe faster than I should have.

It's amazing how even after everything, she can still make my heart beat so incredibly fast and make my hands sweaty and my mouth dry. Ok maybe that's the drugs, but still, I want her. She broke me, killed me. And still I would do anything to get her back. Well, it's not like I actually ever had her in the first place. It was a secret. Does it count as a secret if neither person involved acknowledges it in the first place? I'm too far in my head and it's only a matter of time before I over think things and wind up crying like that overly emotional drunk girl that every party has. Fuck, I will NOT be that girl tonight! Instead of heading back to the couch I race out the back door. I light a cigarette and try to calm down. 'Lopez, you alright? You look pissed. Did some guy give you shit in there? Want me to kick his ass?' Puck looks at me with concern. It's cute how protective he can be. He can definitely be an asshole, but he loves me and I'm lucky to have a best friend like him. I sigh and shake my head. 'I ran into to Brittany on my way back from the kitchen.' I tell him as I take another drag. He just nods and looks at me with that awkward face friends give when they don't know what to say. 'Yeah, it sucked. I don't even know why she's here. I mean she knew I'd be here, this is my fucking house.' I can feel the anger rise in me again. 'Sorry about that, I mean her boyfriend is on the football team and I can't just tell him hey, you can't come because my roommate used to fuck your girlfriend.' His explanation just makes it worse. I give him the death stare and he takes the hint and backs away slowly returning to the party.

I hear the door open again and I'm about to go all Lima heights on Puck's ass when I turn around and see that it's Brittany. We both just stand there frozen in place for what seemed like forever. She opens her mouth to speak when the door opens again. 'Great idea Britt, we should get a bonfire going back here!' I look past her to see Rachel Berry swaying back and forth drunk as fuck screaming at people to come outside for the fire we're about to have. Fuck it, it's cold so a fire isn't such a bad idea anyways. A small group of us are gathered around the fire pit in cheap lawn chairs and this old couch Puck and I found on the side of the road last year. It smells but we like it anyway. After having a few more drinks, it's feels kind of nice out here and I begin to relax again. Everyone is getting pretty drunk and I looked up to see Brittany laughing at Rachel doing some drunk impression of their English Professor. That girl can get sloppy sometimes. But not Brittany; she always seems to be in control even after drinking all night. Watching her right now is painful and confusing because I feel anger mixed with all the feelings I've tried to forget. She's fucking Beautiful. It's insane how gorgeous she is and what one look from her can do to my body. I miss her. I hate that things had to get so complicated, and that she just ended it. That was it, it was over and I had to pretend like I never touched her like that, like I've never seen her vulnerable or knew her body so intimately. All I can think of right now is how badly I want to run my fingers through her hair. That was my favorite thing to do. Now I'll never get do that ever again. It takes me a second to realize that she's now looking at me and that I've been caught staring. As soon as this happens her boyfriend Travis, who is obviously wasted, leans in and kisses her neck. It makes me shoot up out of my seat so fast it startles a few people. 'Uh, I have to pee.' is all I can come up with and I bolt towards the door. 'Get me another beer!' I hear Puck shout as I close the door.

I make my way through the house and head upstairs because the last thing I want to do is see what my first floor bathroom looks like at a party like this. Walking up the stairs, the music starts to get muffled and I begin to collect my thoughts as I head into my bathroom. I splash water over my face to help sober up and calm down. But then as soon as I look in the mirror, I start to lose it again. 'Don't you fucking cry, just calm down, relax it's not a big deal' I say to myself out loud. I try to take deep breaths and it eventually starts working when someone knocks on the door. 'Someone's in here go back downstairs!' I shout as bitchy as I can to get them to go away. Then I see the door handle shake and I can tell someone is picking the lock and before I can get over to it to beat the shit out of the asshole trying to break in, the door swings open and I am once again met face to face with the familiar blonde haired and blue eyed girl. She quickly yet quietly closes the door and locks it. I find myself for the third time tonight incapable of speaking. She's the only person in the God damn world that could do that to me.She takes another step towards me and says 'hi' in such a small whisper it took me a second register that it was real. 'Why are you here?' I say not knowing myself if I mean the bathroom or the party in general. She's looking down and playing with her feet in a way that almost makes me forget that I'm supposed to hate her. 'I…I miss you. I miss you every day and I don't know how to make it go away.' I can't believe what I'm hearing; here comes the rage again. 'You did this, you know? I'm the one that got crushed by you. Don't come here and tell me that you miss me. It's not fair and it's actually really fucked up and I don't want to hear any more of your shit.'After I say this she starts to shake and I can see tears run down her face. Shit, way to be an asshole Santana. I immediately let the urge to comfort her take over. I wrap her in a tight hug and begin apologizing. 'Britt, please don't cry. I'm sorry, I've just had a hard time with it and besides you know how quickly I can get angry when I'm drunk.' She just cries harder into my shoulder and I can feel my shirt getting wet with tears, cry boogers, as Brittany always called them. It's weird how sometimes even if you're really upset, something so simple can make you let it go. I can't help but smile and let out a laugh at the memory. She breaks the hug and looks at me wondering why I'm laughing. 'You got cry boogers all over my shirt..' It made her smile too and now I can't help but think about how pretty her freckles look when she's close to my face and how they stand out when her face is flushed. Without thinking, I kiss her nose. It was just something I wanted to do and now I am panicking because she's just staring at me again and I can't read her thoughts. 'Santana…' I can feel my heart ache at her saying my name, it's been so long since I've heard it. 'I've missed you so fucking much.' And before I can say anything back she leans forward and kisses me. Of course, time stops, the Earth, the party, everything, ceases to exist in this moment besides us.

My heart is pounding so loudly I can feel it in my ears and my hands and my feet. Logic is telling me to stop this, that it isn't right, that I'll only get hurt. I almost listen but then Brittany lets out a soft moan that I haven't heard in so long and I lose it. I am incapable of fighting this anymore. I deepen the kiss and slip my tongue across her lips and she opens her mouth for me. I will never forget how great of a kisser this girl is. She makes it hard keep my balance. At this point I am no longer in control of what I do. I grab her thighs and pick her up and place her down on the bathroom sink. Standing in between her legs I begin to let my hands roam all over her upper body. I can't even describe how sexy her body is, or how it feels when she responds to my touch. I slip my hand up her shirt I hear her breathing get heavier as I am kissing her neck. I almost can't stand what she is doing to my body just by the sounds she is making. Not wanting it to stop, I move my hand further up and under her bra. She gasps into my shoulder as I move my thumb across her nipple. It's already rock hard and all I want is to put my mouth there. I begin rubbing her nipple in a circle and kiss her neck and up to her ear lobe. 'God, san I miss how you touch me.' This only fuels the fire inside of me, and I begin kissing her harder. I move my hand behind her back and unclasp her bra. Immediately she breaks the kiss and takes her shirt and bra completely off and pulls on my shirt for me to do the same. I don't hesitate and when my upper body is as bare as hers, we both take a second to look at each other. 'You are so fucking beautiful.' I say and she grabs my hand and pulls me toward the adjoining door from the bathroom to my bedroom.

I follow without question. She hasn't been in my bedroom for over a year and it feels a little strange having her here now, standing in the center of my room topless. 'You moved your bed.' She shook me from my thoughts. 'huh? Oh yeah, I guess I just wanted to do something different.' I say not making eye contact. She pulls me toward her and the bed. 'I like it.' She whispers and pulls me on top of her and on to the bed. Once again I'm pulled back into the feeling of kissing her and our half naked bodies rubbing up against each other and I can tell that I am getting really turned on. I start kissing down her jaw to her neck and then her chest. I run my tongue along her right breast until I reach her nipple. Brittany rocks her hips up into me and begins to moan again as I flick my tongue across her nipple in the exact way I know she wants it. I begin to feel the heat between her legs on my thigh and I can't help but let my hand slide down her stomach and cup her center over her jeans. This makes her moan even louder and it sends a throbbing pain between my own legs. I need to touch her without clothing getting in my way. I unbutton her jeans, pull the zipper down, and slip my hand into her pants. I feel how incredibly soaked her panties are and I can't help the moan that escapes my mouth. I move my fingers lightly across her panties making her eyes flutter and I watch her face as she begins to rock against my hand and pant so loudly. 'San, please…. Just please fuck, I need you.' She moves my hand and I help her pull the rest of her clothes off. There is nothing more beautiful in this world than Brittany S Pierce's naked body. Nothing. She leans up and kisses me harder than she ever has before and pulls me on top of her again. I bring my hand between her legs and it makes me shiver. God she's so wet. I let my fingers slide up and down her folds so softly and I can tell that it is killing her. I push in a little bit and begin rubbing her clit. 'Fuck that feels so good.' I rub a little bit faster and harder and her body starts to move with me again and she's getting more frantic and begins arching her body. I kiss her as hard as I can, rocking up and down against her to get her where she needs to be. I then use two fingers to push inside her. 'Oh my god, please don't stop.' My fingers are soaked as I slide them in and out. I push harder and faster because I know she is almost there and she needs this. Her breathing gets louder and she moans every time I enter her. I feel her getting close. She tells me not to stop and her nails begin to dig into my back and I can feel her body shaking as she arches up into me. She lets out anther moan, sending shocks to my center as she collapses back into the bed. The only sound heard in the room is us breathing like we just ran a marathon. I look over at her watching her chest rise and fall so fast. What the fuck just happened?