Yet more Random Stupidity. Still jumping around all over the place but I have to follow my muse when she chooses to make an appearance.
Thanks to Star and Jaer for their thoughts and suggestions.
The pink is for you, Shenzi.
This fic is for Night. Hopefully it gave her a laugh.
As usual, Bioware owns all.
From Jack...with Love?
Miranda looked around the private room where they were holding Shepard's bachelorette party. She had promised Alenko that there'd just be a few drinks with the girls, then an early night before the wedding tomorrow. So far they'd been lucky and had managed to keep news of Shepard and Alenko's impending marriage secret, but with the antics that were going on around her, she wasn't sure that their luck would last out the night.
"I should have known better than to let you and Chambers organise this night." She said as Jack stopped beside her.
"Relax, Cerberus. It's just a bit of fun. Shepard needs to let her hair down for once."
Miranda looked over at Shepard on the dance floor. "What the hell is wrong with her anyway? I thought she was only drinking fruit drinks."
"Well I did ask the bar tender to mix them especially for her. Besides I had a bet with Joker that I could get Shepard to embarrass herself. I am going to take that bastard to the fucking cleaners after this." Jack laughed as she watched Shepard.
"Oh God! That's all I need. Are you insane? I told Alenko I'd keep her out of trouble." Miranda sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "What the hell is she doing?"
"Dancing I think. Maybe Chambers gave her some lessons. I have to get footage of this. Shepard dancing will be almost enough to win me that bet." Jack pulled a camera from her bag and headed towards Shepard.
Miranda grabbed Jack's arm. "We have to stop her. She's going to end up hurting someone if she keeps those moves up."
"Go for it cheerleader. You're her designated keeper for the night after all." Jack shrugged before grinning and continuing on her way.
Miranda swore and followed her. After a bit of persuasion she eventually succeeded in hauling Shepard off the dance floor and getting her to sit down. "Watch Shepard for a minute. And please don't let her move from this spot. I'll get her a drink." She told Jack as she sat down beside Shepard.
Jack grinned and watched her go before turning to Shepard.
"You know what you need Shepard? A tattoo to commemorate your wedding."
"Ooh, good idea. But what would I get a tattoo of?" Shepard asked as she grabbed the drink on the table in front of her and drank it in one gulp.
"Why don't you get Alenko's name tattooed on your ass? I know a great tattoo artist not far from here." Jack stood up and pulled Shepard to her feet. "We better get out of here before the Cerberus cheerleader comes back, or she won't let you go."
"Good idea. Let's go. Miri doesn't let me have any fun." Shepard grinned before following Jack out of the bar.
They wandered a short distance and stopped before a door with a garish neon sign above it.
"Here we are Shepard. You ready?"
"But I don't have any money with me." Shepard looked at Jack miserably.
"Don't worry about it Shepard. I'll pay. Consider it a wedding present to you and Alenko." Jack patted her on the shoulder.
"You are such a good friend to me Jack." Shepard said throwing her arms around Jack.
Jack felt a twinge of guilt, but only for a moment. "Let's go in and I'll tell Seph exactly what you want."
Once inside Shepard stood swaying as Jack spoke to the Salarian behind the counter before coming back over to her. "It's all arranged Shepard. You just have to tell him what name you want written on your ass."
"Aiden Kalenko." Shepard said after a moment's thought.
"You heard the lady Seph. Aidan Kalenko." She turned to Shepard. "You go with Seph and I'll go and keep the cheerleader from looking for you. I'll be here when it's done to take you back to your party, Shepard."
"Ok. Don't worry about me. I'll wait right here." Shepard gave her a cheesy smile as she watched her leave.
"Where the hell is Shepard? Have you seen her?" Miranda pounced on Jack as soon as she entered the room.
"No I was busy. You're supposed to be her keeper for the night." Jack shrugged, enjoying the panic on the cheerleader's face.
"You were supposed to watch her while I got her a drink, Jack." Miranda voice went up several decibels.
"Her boyfriend won't be impressed if you've lost her." Jack grinned.
"C'mon. We have to find her." Miranda grabbed Jack's arm and pulled her out of the bar and onto the Citadel concourse.
"Why don't we split up? I'll go this way." Jack suggested pointing in the direction of the tattoo parlour.
Miranda eyed Jack suspiciously knowing she had no choice but to trust her. For the moment. "Ok. We'll meet back her in half an hour. Hopefully one of us will have found Shepard by then."
Jack strolled through the Citadel to the tattoo parlour confident that Shepard would be there waiting for her. Seph was at his usual place behind the counter but she saw no sign of her quarry. "Where's Shepard Seph?"
"I don't know. She left as soon as I finished her ink work."
"Did she say where she was going?" Jack was starting to feel the first stirrings of panic.
"No. She just kept muttering something. The only word I could make out was Cerberus." He shrugged and went back to watching the monitor on his counter.
"Fuck!" Jack spat out before heading back out onto the Citadel.
Miranda had almost given up and was about to head back to the bar when she spotted Shepard coming towards her. She swore as she realised Shepard was carrying a rocket launcher.
"Shepard! Where the hell did you get that?" she asked gesturing towards the rocket launcher.
"I had to go back to the Normandy and get some firepower. Jack said something about Cerberus and I needed to be prepared in case they tried anything." She waved the rocket launcher at Miranda.
"Shit. I am going to kill Jack."
"So you want to borrow my gun?" Shepard asked her seriously.
"Shepard, why don't you give me the rocket launcher and we'll go back to the party."
"This one's mine. You'll have to get your own. But I might get cross if you kill Jack. She got me a wedding present."
"I don't even want to know Shepard. Let's just go back to the party. I need a drink." Miranda said with a resigned sigh.
Miranda struggled to keep Shepard in her seat as the male strippers shook their asses in front of her. She was going to kill Jack or Chambers or maybe both of them. What the hell was I thinking, allowing Jack and Chambers to organise this. This was supposed to be a quiet night. She'd promised Alenko that she'd keep Shepard out of trouble. He should have extracted the same promise from Jack and Joker.
"None of them have asses that compare to Kaidan's. He should be the one up there shaking it for me." Shepard proclaimed as she stood up and started to stagger towards the door.
"Shepard, where are you going now?" Miranda asked with a heavy sigh as she tried to rein Shepard in yet again.
"I'm going to find Kalenko to tell him to shake his booty for me."
"It's bad luck to see the groom before the wedding you know."
"Oops I forgot." Shepard said as she headed back to where they'd been sitting.
Miranda's relief was short lived as she noticed Shepard pick up the rocket launcher she'd taken from her earlier. She looked around for Jack or Chambers. They gotten her into this mess and they could damn well help to get her out. There was no sign of Jack and Chambers was dancing around a pole in a way that Miranda couldn't even begin to describe.
"Shepard, do you really want to tempt fate? What if he decides to back out because he's seen you tonight?" Miranda asked trying a new tack.
"He wouldn't do that, Miri. Besides I have a big gun. See?" She lifted the rocket launcher and pointed it directly at Miranda. "Although he does too." Shepard collapsed in a fit of giggles.
Miranda rolled her eyes. "Well if he already has one, you can give me yours."
"No can do Miranda. You'll have to get your own. I already told you this one is mine." Shepard stood and moved with a speed that Miranda wouldn't have thought her capable of in her present condition.
Miranda hurried after her. Maybe I can get her back to the Normandy without drawing too much attention. That thought was short lived though as a familiar voice called out to Shepard.
"Commander Shepard. Over here."
"Is that al-Jilani Miranda? I hate that bitch." Shepard raised the rocket launcher towards the journalist.
"Oh shit! Shepard give me the gun."
"That's the last time you get to call me that." Shepard yelled, pointing the gun straight at al- Jilani. "I'll have you know that as of tomorrow I will be Commander Mrs Aidan Kalenko."
"Shepard! That's supposed to be a secret remember?" Miranda whispered as she lunged for the rocket launcher. She managed to knock Shepard to the ground but not before a rocket was fired.
"Fuck! That is awesome footage. Joker is going to love it." Jack laughed as she suddenly appeared beside Miranda and Shepard. The sounds of breaking glass and people screaming didn't seem to faze her one bit. "Alenko is going to be really pissed at you though cheerleader."
Miranda raised her head and looked around, before getting to her feet. She noticed al-Jilani on the ground but she appeared to be moving. Their luck was in though as it appeared that the rocket had taken out her camera as well as a sizable chunk of the shop behind her.
"Help me get Shepard out of here before C-Sec comes. And grab that rocket launcher." She pulled Shepard to her feet. "If Alenko kills me I won't be dying alone. You, Chambers, and that jackass in the cockpit are going with me."
They made it back to the Normandy while everyone in the area were still in shock over the apparent attack on the Citadel. Miranda was swearing under her breath as they entered Shepard's cabin.
"What the hell are we going to do now? Alenko's going to have a fit when he finds out what happened. And if he doesn't kill us Shepard will when she sobers up and remembers what happened."
"After what Shepard drank tonight, she won't remember a thing. And there's no way Alenko will be able to pin it on us. Any potential witnesses will be too shell shocked to give accurate descriptions. Relax, for fuck's sake." Jack said as they dragged Shepard over to her bed.
As soon as she sat down Shepard jumped up with a startled exclamation. "Did I fall on my ass tonight? It's really sore."
"You might have bruised it when you fell over Shepard. Why don't you get some sleep and I'm sure it will be fine in the morning." Miranda said as she tried to get Shepard to sit back down.
"You better have a look Miranda." Shepard said as she unbuttoned the pants she had on and bared her butt to Jack and Miranda.
Miranda was speechless as she took in the sight before her. She glared at Jack who was laughing hysterically. There in bright neon pink writing across Shepard's ass were the words Aidan Kalenko. Miranda groaned and put her head in her hands.
"Get some sleep Shepard," she repeated when she found her voice. "I'll be in the armoury committing suicide if anyone wants me." With that said she turned and walked out of the room.
"Your ass is fine Shepard. Get some sleep. You're getting married tomorrow, remember." Jack left the room chuckling. She was going to send the footage she'd taken to Joker now so she could collect on their bet first thing in the morning.
Shepard lifted her head from the bowl where she'd been throwing up when she heard voices raised outside her cabin. Today was supposed to be her wedding day, but instead it felt like the day she was going to die. Again. Hopefully no one will bring me back this time. She staggered out of the bathroom clutching her head as Ambassador Udina walked through the door followed by a sheepish looking Miranda and a grinning Jack.
"Shepard. Do you have any idea of what you've done?" Udina shouted at her.
Shepard groaned. "Ambassador Udina. Please keep your voice down. I'm really not feeling very well."
"You've created major panic on the Citadel. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" He continued to shout, his face red with anger.
"Please Ambassador, keep your voice down." Shepard begged quietly. "What am I supposed to have done?"
Udina moved closer until his face was inches from hers. "Don't pretend you don't know Shepard. That reporter al-Jilani has been telling everyone who'll listen that you tried to kill her last night. With a rocket launcher no less. The only good news is that the doctor says she has concussion so her story can be spun as a hallucination as a result of the blow to the head." His voice reached new heights.
Shepard couldn't take it anymore. She reacted instinctively, punching Udina in the face. "I asked you to keep your voice down Ambassador."
Udina stood up, clutching his face and staggering slightly as blood dripped between his fingers. "You've obviously taken leave of your senses Shepard. I will make sure that you face the consequences of your actions this time."
"Jack please escort Ambassador Udina off my ship. Then someone better tell me what the hell is going on. I'd like to know before I die." She went to turn away but stopped as her head throbbed painfully and another bout of nausea came over her. "Please tell Kaidan the weddings off on account of the fact that I'm going to die any minute."
"I'll get Dr. Chakwas Shepard." Miranda almost ran out of the cabin as Shepard headed back to the bathroom. She wasn't going to be the one to tell Shepard what had happened last night. Especially when there was no one else in the room.
In an apartment on the Citadel
Kaidan woke to the sound of Joker and Garrus laughing. He grinned. Today was his wedding day. He was finally going to marry Shepard. He threw on some clothes and headed into the other room to see what was so funny.
Joker and Garrus were watching something on his monitor. He looked to see what it was and was about to speak when he realised they were watching footage of someone dancing. Someone that looked suspiciously like Shepard. Before he could say anything the footage changed to show an image of Shepard pointing a rocket launcher at someone. Then all hell broke loose.
"Would someone like to tell me what the hell is going on?" He demanded.
Joker and Garrus turned around guiltily. "Oh crap!" Garrus exclaimed when he saw Kaidan's face.
"Kaidan! We were just watching footage of Shepard's party last night. Jack sent it through earlier." Joker said hurriedly turning off the monitor.
"And Shepard's party involved firing a rocket launcher on the Citadel? What the hell was Lawson thinking? She was supposed to keep Shepard out of trouble." He ran a hand through his hair, glaring at Joker and Garrus before reaching for his omnitool. Lawson had some explaining to do.
He headed back to his room to speak to Miranda in private. What had started as a very good morning was fast going downhill as Miranda tried to explain what had happened. Kaidan swore and hurled his omnitool across the room before going back out to where Joker and Garrus sat waiting.
"So Kaidan, what are we going to do until it's time to get ready for the wedding?" Joker asked.
"The way things are going my wife will be spending our wedding night in jail. That's if this wedding actually takes place today." The romantic night Kaidan had planned seemed to be an impossible dream at the moment.
"Well I'm sure they'll allow conjugal visits Alenko. It is your wedding night after all." Joker laughed.
"I'm glad you find it so amusing Joker." His biotics flared around him. "Although I could be in jail as well after I murder a few people." He looked pointedly at Joker. "What the hell were you thinking Joker? I can't believe you would cook something like this up with Jack on the night before my wedding."
"How the hell would I know Jack would spike her drinks? And in all fairness I couldn't know that Shepard would have the bright idea to fetch her rocket launcher." Joker said, looking to Garrus for support. He'd never seen Kaidan so angry.
"This is Shepard we're talking about Joker. What did you think Jack would do? You know what she's like. And according to Lawson Udina paid Shepard a visit this morning and she ended up punching him in the face." Kaidan was too angry to talk to him anymore. He had to find Anderson. Maybe he could sort this out in the few hours remaining before the wedding.
"Hey, good on Shepard. We've all wanted to punch Udina in the face at one time or another." Joker laughed.
"Yes and we've all wanted to do the same to you as well. Maybe I should take a leaf out of Shepard's book right now." Kaidan said through gritted teeth.
"Joker, shut up. Kaidan, what can we do to help?" Garrus asked trying to divert Kaidan's anger.
"Nothing Garrus. I'm going to see Anderson. Both of you better make yourselves scarce. And if this wedding does not take place I suggest that neither of you even think about coming back to the Normandy. Because if I don't kill you, Shepard sure as hell will." He left them digesting the thought of Shepard's retribution as he headed out to find Anderson.
To be continued…