I own nothing to do with Holby City, I just love the show and its characters. Please don't sue me. I'm just playing in their world for a little while.
When did this happen? When did I become this person? The woman sat here in the dark waiting for the end to come. Waiting to be freed from the pain that sears through my heart every day when I realise how alone I am. How absolutely alone I am since every friend I've ever had has left me...since the man I loved, my soulmate betrayed me so deeply that it hurts just to be alive.
At one time I had everything. I had my sister, then Jack, I had Ric, I had Owen, I had a baby growing inside of me which I desperately wanted after the trauma of terminating the child I was carrying after a brief dalliance with Steve before he died. I had Tricia. I wasn't lonely. I was loved. I really felt loved. But none of it was true. None of it was to last. I lost my sister, my poor sweet sister who died never knowing her beautiful baby boy. Then I lost Jack who I grew to love as if he was my own. Despite any reservations I may have had before taking him in I adored that little boy...but then he went to his dad and my life was empty without him. I lost the baby, the baby Owen and I made who I truly wanted to carry to term. The pain was so intense when I lost it, not just physically but in my heart. I don't think I've ever recovered. Then I lost Owen...the man I took vows to be with forever, who took vows to be with me no matter what, because of his love for Chrissie. A love that I could obviously never match. Then Tricia died, a wonderful woman who was probably my best friend. Now there's Ric who has betrayed me more than I ever thought a person could. I've lost everyone who I ever cared about. Who I ever thought might have cared about me. Am I so bad that everybody has to leave me? Am I really that cold and unloveable that I'm left with no-one who cares? Even I don't care about me anymore, but then why would I if nobody else does either?
Ric and I...we always had something special. A bond that no-one could break...or so I thought. I always imagined that one day I'd end up with him, with his name. Diane Griffin.I always thought that was the name that I was meant to have. Like it was fated. Ric and I were fated. I never imagined it would end like this with my dreams shattered and my heart unforgiving.
We were together long before I came to Holby, when we were both younger and I was foolish. He proposed to me back then. Oh how I wish I'd said yes and not run away from the only man who has ever truly loved me. The only man that I have ever truly loved with all of my heart. I always imagined we'd find our way back together when our paths crossed again at Holby. When we were in Ghana even though I was engaged to Owen I could see how much he still cared for me, and I could feel all those old feelings resurfacing for him, having never gone away...always there bubbling under the surface. When we kissed it felt truer than anything I had ever felt with Owen even though we ultimately married. Every moment in Ghana that we shared was so special. When the moment comes thats what I want to be thinking about, us standing together on the sand, so close. So different to how we are now.
When Owen left part of me still believed that Ric was the man I was going to be with, someone who'd always supported me and taken care of me without question almost any time I needed him. He was my rock so many times, when I decided to terminate Steves baby he was the one I went to and who went out of his way to support me. He was the only one I wanted. When he put his arms around me any time it truly felt like I was home. Like I wasn't alone because he wanted me. He wanted to take care of me. He was the only person who did.
I was a wreck when Owen left, in so much pain and feeling so abandoned. I just didn't, and still dont, understand what I did to not deserve my husbands love. I don't understand how someone could take those vows and treat me the way that he did, adding another wound to the growing collection. How can one person have so much pain inflicted upon them? How is that fair? I was raped, I terminated a child, I lost my sister, I miscarried, I've lost so many other people, have had to fight at work for my reputation and just fight to keep on going. Now I've lost him. I've lost Ric...to her.
The minute she introduced herself to me as his fiancee I knew I'd lost him for good. It had been brewing for a long time, he'd been drifting further and further away, no longer the man he once was, no longer the support he always was to me. The ache in my heart got bigger every day she was around, stirring things, putting a spanner in the works. How could he have let go of me just like that? of our history? I thought I meant something to him but now it seems not. One day his support completely dissapeared and he betrayed me so deeply that I can never forgive him again. How could he do that to me? to someone he once loved? how, when I needed him could he turn away? not support me when he could see I was going under? Now I'm never to break the surface again.
The only person to offer any support during these darker days has been Elliot and for that I am so grateful even though it is too late. He stepped in when Ric didn't. Offered me kind words and some sort of hope when the man I hold the most dear to me couldn't be anything but cold, calling me a victim. But whats one beacon of light when all of your days seem to be growing dark? and when you'd rather be with your unborn children and the friends you have loved and lost than with those around you that only seem able to hurt you?
I am sorry for what I'm about to do. I know it will hurt Ric and I know Elliot will blame himself. He loaned me this car after all, but I just can't keep going as I am, unloved, fighting every day just to be considered worthwhile, so scarred with a heart torn by so many tragic things which I have lived with for such a long time. I need release and now I know I'm never going to find happiness with the one man that I want to, the only way I can be free is to do this.
I sit here and wait, feeling strangely peaceful as I hear the trains approach, I'm not even scared. The front headlights glare hits my face and almost blinds me but still I can't look away as I know with these lights comes my end and my peace. The numbness I've been wishing for every day for the last few months.
The trains coming too fast for it to stop and I don't want it to. The longing to be with those who have passed on is far outweighing the desire to stay here and to carry on being hurt as I allow myself to be every day of my life.
As it gets closer I look into the lights knowing that the end is drawing near. The driver hits the breaks as he realises I'm on the tracks but it's too late and as the train bears down on me I let my mind drift back to Ghana and myself back into Rics arms. Once again I wonder how I became this woman, so different from the woman I was when I first started at the hospital, but then I realise how. I fell in love, and sometimes love is the most painful thing of all.