Okay, so here's the follow to Out Of The Darkness. Thank you to everyone who followed, faved and reviewed that, I really appreciated it. Before you get reading I would just like to, again, point out that this is based purely off of my own experiences with depression and does not represent a generalised view of the illness. Anyways hope you enjoy.
With a sleepy sigh, Chloe's eyes flickered open to greet the day. Reaching up a hand she rubbed at her eyes before rolling onto her side and reaching an arm out, expecting to feel her girlfriend under her touch, but instead, she was greeted by the cool feel of vacated sheets. Chloe frowned for a moment until she realised that Beca was sitting on the edge of the bed tying the laces on her military boots.
Chloe tucked her arm under her head and lay there quietly, watching the DJ, taking in her every movement right down to her body language. Beca heaved out a sigh and then glanced to the bedside table where a glass of water and a pill bottle sat waiting. Chloe gazed at her girlfriends profile, and even though she couldn't see her eyes, she knew of the conflict they possessed.
Ever since starting her medication Beca had been struggling a little with its effects. She had been told that it would take a couple of weeks for the anti-depressants to take affect and for there to be a difference in her mood and the general state of her mind, but the brunette never was the most patient person on the planet, and what she really wasn't ready for was the feeling of numbness that came with taking the drug.
Having spent so long dealing with such negative thoughts and emotions so intensely for such a long period of time, she wasn't prepared for how the anti-depressants would begin to counteract that. It wasn't that she was suddenly happier, far from it, but at the same time, she wasn't completely down and out either. It was sort of like being caught in some sort of emotional limbo, like she was aware of emotions and what they were but she had forgotten how to feel them.
Beca had expressed this uneasiness to her counsellor who had assured the DJ that it was actually a common effect of taking the drug. She explained it as being like learning to walk again after a period of paralysis due to a bad accident. In theory everyone knows how to do it, but when you haven't experienced the sensation of walking for some time it can be difficult for the brain to compute to the leg muscles, so you have to learn to do it all over again.
Beca had spent so long dealing with such negative emotions and battling against the darker side of her mind that her brain had sort of forgotten how to feel joy and happiness. But just like the theory of learning to walk again, it was all still there. Her mind just had to relearn to balance the darkness with the light so that her emotions weren't so off kilter like they had been for months.
Everyone goes through ups and downs, some people are just unfortunate enough to find themselves so off balanced that they can't see the other side anymore, but they know its there, and that's what makes it harder. This emotional limbo that Beca was now in, was what her counsellor said would be the beginning of an awakening fo the tiny DJ.
It would be during this time that she would begin to grown more self aware of her feelings and state of mind and learn coping mechanisms that would help her deal with them moving forward. It was pointed out that someone who with depression was 70% more likely to suffer a recurrence than a person was to develop depression in the first place, so it was important for Beca to learn to be aware and to learn to pin point triggers.
Chloe for her part had done her research on the disorder. Sure she knew bits and pieces from those doctors shows she watched and from the psychology class she took for a semester in her sophomore year, but she wanted to know more so she had a better understanding of it, and, so she could figure out how best to help her girlfriend whenever she might need it.
Sure she could offer up a shoulder to cry on or warm arms to cuddle into, but Chloe wanted more than that. She wanted to be someone Beca could talk to and receive helpful words of encouragement, someone that could help the DJ carry the load when it was feeling just a little too heavy. So she educated herself, learned coping techniques and strategies that she could pass onto her girlfriend whenever she needed them. It made the redhead feel useful and prepared.
After another silent moment had passed, Beca huffed out a breath and then reached for her pills, slipping one into her hand and popping it in her mouth before taking a gulp of water then putting her pills away and standing up from the bed. After grabbing her laptop case and headphones, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to a "sleeping" Chloe's forehead and made her way downstairs. She had the early shift at the station and would be back by the time everybody else was getting up for classes.
Even though Chloe hated waking up without her girlfriend next to her, the one thing she loved about the DJ's early shifts at the station, was waking up to the latest mixes the brunette had put together. Chloe usually got to hear them before anyone else anyways, but something about hearing them on the actual radio evoked a sense of pride in her that always brought a smile to her face. Every time it happened she couldn't help but think of the day she would be hearing Beca's music everywhere as she conquered the music world.
For now, she would settle for early morning jam sessions and Bella's arrangements, but you could bet that if Chloe had her way, and she would because she always got what she wanted, that one she would have a room solely in their house for the purposes of hanging up Beca's platinum selling records that she produced. It was inevitable. But while the future waited to be written, the redhead fixed her focus on graduating college, winning worlds, and more importantly, helping Beca get better.
After showering and dressing for the day, she fluffed out her hair and headed downstairs to see what chaos awaited her. The other Bella's were slowly making their way downstairs in various states of dress, milling around the kitchen and living room. Chloe and Stacie took it upon themselves to sort out breakfast, since they were the two most capable cooks in the house. To compensate, the other Bella's took on the other chores such as laundry, shopping, cleaning etc, so it evened itself out.
Preparing some eggs, bacon, pancakes, toast as well as a fresh fruit salad and orange juice, the girls piled the food on the table and watched as the other Bella's tore into it like it was the last supper. Chloe quickly filled two plates, one for herself and one for Beca and placed the second one in the oven to keep warm and then tucked into her, engaging the Bella's in idle chit chat and talk of Worlds preparations.
As far as the other Bella's were concerned, everything was fine, for the simple reason that Beca had made Chloe promise that they wouldn't say anything about her condition to the other girls, at least not until she got handle on her therapy and medication. Chloe had agreed only because she knew how tough things were for her girlfriend and she didn't want the DJ to have anything else to worry about.
Eventually some of the girls started to depart the kitchen to get ready for classes, leaving the others floating around tidying up and the rest still sitting around the kitchen table. In the middle of the chaos of several Bella's running around collecting up text books and notebooks and various other supplies they needed for class, Beca arrived home from her shift at the station. Walking into the kitchen, she deposited her bag at her feet as she climbed onto one of the stools at the kitchen island.
"Hey," she said as she rotated her neck to work out some of the kinks from having spent the last several hours hunched over a desktop computer at the station. In that moment, Chloe walked in with her handbag on her shoulder and an empty water bottle in hand and popped the bag down on the counter. She walked to the fridge and pulled out a jug of some sort of vitamin juice she had made the night before and poured it into the water bottle, capping it and tightening the lid before putting the jug back in the fridge.
She then poured out a glass of the fresh orange juice and placed it in front of Beca then grabbed the breakfast plate from the oven and set it in front of the DJ with a knife and fork, earning a grateful smile in return. Picking up her water bottle and slinging her handbag over shoulder, Chloe walked around the island and came to a stop next to her girlfriend, placing her free hand on her back. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Beca's shoulder, then the crook of her neck and the shell of her ear before turning the girls head towards her and kissing her on the lips.
"I love you," she said. Beca gave her a crooked smile, "Love you too," she replied as they kissed once again. Chloe pulled the strap of her handbag higher up her shoulder and looped her thumb through it holding it in place. "Meet for lunch later?" she asked as she watched Beca shovel a fork full of scrambled eggs into her mouth, and washing them down with some juice so she could reply.
"Sure. I have a meeting with my English Lit professor at 12, but I'll call you as soon as I'm out," she said. With that Chloe gave her a beaming smile and was on her way. Once she was gone Beca glanced back down at her breakfast and picked up her fork. Her appetite had slowly been returning to normal, but she still had her days where sitting down and actually having a meal was the last thing on her mind.
That's where Chloe came in. The redhead was like a guardian angel, always looking out for her and making sure she was taking care of herself. Chloe would always make sure that Beca had breakfast, lunch and dinner every day without fail. On days where the DJ really wasn't particularly hungry or in the mood, she would make sure she at least had soup or a sandwich, anything that meant the younger girl wasn't going to bed on an empty stomach.
But it wasn't just that, it was everything. Chloe had been extra attentive, hanging out at the radio station with Beca on evenings when she had nothing else on her plate, going with her to her therapy sessions and taking her for ice cream or smoothies afterwards to lighten the mood. Even when Beca was just sitting in her room working on mixes, Chloe sat with her doing homework or whatever, just like she had promised.
It was more than Beca could've ever hoped for. Even when her parents divorced she didn't really have anyone around to support her through it. All her relatives were scattered around the country and she wasn't close enough with the few friends she had in high school to share her inner most thoughts and feelings with. Those were the times when music really helped.
But now she had Chloe. A girl who was patient with her even when it seemed like she would never open up. Who was understanding even when Beca's defensive walls were up a little too high and her tongue a little too sharp in a bid to push people away to protect herself. Who supported her even when she didn't feel like she deserved it. A girl who loved and cared for her more than any human being on the planet.
Somehow, and Beca wasn't sure when it happened, Chloe Beale had become her safe haven. The place she escaped to when she needed to get away from everyone or everything. It was then Beca realised that music had officially been replaced as the most important thing to her. Yes she loved it, she practically lived and breathed it, but she realised, she no longer needed it to survive. Music was her passion, but Chloe was her love. To be able to say that at such a young age proved to her that at some point, she would marry that girl.
It was then that Beca decided, after having finished her breakfast, that she would arrange a little treat for Chloe. Just a little something to show her how grateful she was for her support, and she decided to do it now while she was having a particularly good moment, cause there was no guarantee that the next day would be the same.
That was something else Beca had to learn to navigate. Her emotions, which were once just on a constant downward spiral into a pit of despair, while not completely up, were not a place where she never really knew what way she would feel on any given day. There was a certain numbness that came from taking the anti depressants because of the fact they caused her emotions to sort of even out to the point that she was never really in one state of mind or another. This was where the emotional limbo came into play.
It wasn't that she was ever feeling particularly overjoyed or sad, her brain just sort of slowly registered the type of day she was having based on how things were going and she would eventually come to the realisation that she was having a good day or a bad day. This happened to be a good day. She'd had a productive morning at the station, she'd even managed to make some sort of head way with arrangements for Bella's and she had just enjoyed a delicious breakfast.
Eventually she hoped that the feelings people normally associated with those types of things would sink in again. She knew they were there, floating about just on the surface like a reminder, she just had to learn to grab a hold of them and to feel them again. Whipping out her phone from off the counter, Beca called up one of the local florists that Chloe loved so much and arranged for them to deliver a bouquet of the redheads favourite flowers to her study group that she met with in the afternoons.
She then called up one of their favourite cafe's and ordered one of their gourmet picnic baskets that she would pick up before her meeting. Even if the rest of the day proved to be a bust, Beca was determined to give Chloe at least a couple of hours of quality one on one couple time anything negative or that could be disrupted by one of the Bella's.
Chloe had seen many public displays in the library during her time at Barden. There was the flash mop of 2012, the senior ditch day (yes even college) prank that got slightly out of hand and of course a handful of very public break ups. But never in her life had she had all attention on her for any reason. As she glanced up from her text book she noticed a guy with a massive bouquet of flowers walking towards her.
"Chloe Beale?" he asked and Chloe tipped her head yes and signed for the bouquet before they were passed over. A smile illuminated her face as she removed the white card on the inside with her name on it. Opening it up her heart melted as she read the message from her girlfriend. 'I love you awesome nerd. Meet me by our oak tree. Beca x'
Quickly packing up her bag, Chloe hauled it up onto her shoulder, grabbed her bouquet and muttered a quick goodbye to her study group as she bolted out of the library, down the corridor into the general purposes area next to the student union, and out onto the quad. It was a beautiful sunny day and she basked in the glow when out of the corner of her eye, over on the patch of grass to her left standing under the shade of a large oak tree, she spotted a petite brunette waiting patiently for her.
Beca shot her a half smile when her eyes connected with the redhead from across the quad. She stood leaning against the tree watching as Chloe made her way over and before she could say anything, her girlfriend wrapped an arm around her neck and pulled her in for a bone crushing hug, her body slightly angled to protect the bouquet of flowers from getting crushed. When she finally released her Beca grinned up at her.
"I take it you like the flowers," she said as Chloe linked their hands. The redhead beamed at her with bright blue eyes shimmering with the telltale sign of tears, she always was a sucker for romantic gestures. "Becs they're gorgeous, you didn't have to do this," she replied as she stroked her thumb that was holding Beca's against the back of her hand. The DJ bowed her head shyly and nodded.
"Yes I did," she said and Chloe frowned. Beca gripped the gingers head a little tighter and continued, "I know I haven't been as attentive as I should be the last couple of months..." Chloe opened her mouth to say something but Beca cut her off. "No I know what you're going to say and I get it, that helping me get better is the priority and you're more than happy to do it," she said as she stepped a little closer into her girlfriends personal space.
"I just, I wanted to show you that I appreciate everything you've done. I know I don't show it enough cause I suck with feelings and everything, but, your support really does mean a lot to me Chlo. If it wasn't for you I don't know where I'd be right now." Chloe allowed a tear to escape her and a smile to cross her face at Beca's words and before she knew it Beca was cupping her cheeks in the palm of hands and standing with their faces just a breath away from one another.
"You keep me together Chlo, thank you," Beca whispered as she closed the gap and kissed her girlfriend, putting as much tender loving care into it as Chloe did everything for her. When they pulled apart, they smiled at one another before Beca stepped away and walked around the tree, picking up the gourmet picnic basket she had been hiding and the blanket and returned to Chloe.
"What's this?" the redhead asked, failing to hide her excitment and Beca chuckled at the sight as she laid down the blanket for them to sit on. "It's a gorgeous day out, I thought we could take advantage of it and have a picnic." Beca took Chloe's hand and gestured for her to sit, waiting until she was perched on the ground before joining her. She then opened the basket and spread out all the contents for them to enjoy, and that's exactly what they did.
Just like every good day, there was a bad day, and when Beca had a bad day, it was difficult for her to keep herself in check, but when around the other Bella's that's what she did, because she refused to allow herself to break in front of them. Bella's rehearsals were stressful at the best of times, but recently things had been mounting for Beca and the DJ was on the brink of a breakdown.
She hadn't had one in a while thanks to her therapy, medication and Chloe's support, but sometimes things just got to much, and after a good spell that Beca believed to be too good to be true came the inevitable turnaround. Her therapist had told her right off the bat that the anti-depressants wouldn't make the depression go away, that she would still suffer lows from time to time until her overall mental health improved.
That was the thing that caught Beca off guard, like many people who had never had to take anti depressants and were somewhat oblivious to their actual purpose. Anti-depressants didn't cure the disorder, they simply alleviated the symptoms so that the person suffering from the illness could better cope. They couldn't block out bad days that brought on a particularly bad low, it was up to the individual person to work out what their triggers were, how to avoid stress that exasperated the issue and how to apply the appropriate coping techniques. The anti-depressants were just an aid to help the process along.
For the most part Beca felt like she was finding her footing with that. She had come to realise that when she was feeling particularly stressed or frustrated with a certain situation, whether it was study or her music or even just the fact that she shared a house with several other girls that barely allowed for alone time, the best thing to do was to take herself out of the situation, go for a walk and just breathe. Often times she would ask Chloe to tag along just so she could distract her or so she had someone to unload to rather than bottling things up.
But that wasn't going to cut it today and sometimes she just had to except the fact that she couldn't just suck it up or ignore it. Worlds were right around the corner and Bella's rehearsal's were getting intense which meant double the pressure on her to create the perfect arrangement. On top of that, graduation was fast approaching which meant the real world was waiting, something Beca didn't feel she was in the state of mind for at the present time and if that wasn't enough, her boss at her internship was applying the pressure tenfold to get the best out of her to see if she really had what was needed to make it in the music producing business.
Needless to say the DJ was overworked, over tired and was still dealing with her other internal struggle which was making everything just that little more difficult to handle. When she had been put in the position of taking over as the leader of the Bella's she had taken it on wholeheartedly and adored every single moment of the last 3 years.
But what many didn't realise was just how stressful it could be. Beca had been solely responsible for what had become the 'Bella Sound'. Which was great, she had created a legacy that she could proudly leave behind at Barden. But being solely responsible for something, meant that she was solely responsible for it. If Beca didn't create the arrangement then the Bella's had no routine.
She was basically the pulse that kept the Bella life force ticking over. The other Bella's had their uses, obviously, considering they created the harmony. But aside from Emily, who showed some promise with her songwriting, none of the current Bella's seemed capable enough of taking what Beca did and keeping it going without her input somehow.
So, that was the position they were in. Either Beca managed to pull an epic arrangement out of the bag to match Chloe's choreography, or their dreams of taking Worlds were over. And that was just one stress too many for Beca at this particular moment in time. As Chloe worked on some different ideas for dance routines with the other girls, she noticed her girlfriend heave out a sigh of frustration for what seemed like the millionth time since rehearsals began.
It was becoming more and more evident to the other girls that something was up with their resident DJ and when Beca flung her headphones off her head and sent them crashing down onto the piano where she had set up base, they knew something was REALLY up. Sensing that Beca was on the verge of a breakdown, Chloe called a halt to rehearsals and sent the Bella's on their way, giving the stragglers trying to hang around an added glare of authority to put a pep in their step out the door.
"Hey, c'mere," Chloe said once the last Bella had left the hall. Crossing the room, she pulled her girlfriend into her arms and wrapped her up into a tight embrace, relief flooding through her when she eventually felt the DJ hug her back and bury her face into the redheads shoulder, the telltale sign of tears soaking her sweater. "Hey, talk to me," Chloe whispered as she dipped her head down and pressed a soft kiss in the curve of Beca's neck. The brunette shook her head and wiped her face the backs of her hands.
"I just, I feel like every time I take a step forward, I end up taking 20 steps back. It's just, it's frustrating as hell and I...I..." Beca's mouth bobbed up and down as she tried to find the words to explain but she didn't need to, because Chloe understood. Reaching up the, the ginger grabbed a hold of one of Beca's hands that were currently running through her hair and laced their fingers together, squeezing tight.
"Bec's you have been doing amazing lately. You're finally in a good place with your counselling and the medication. But we always knew that this wasn't going to be easy and that there would be times when you would you would hit a roadblock every now and again," Chloe said as she guided them over to the tiered seating at the back of the room and sat down.
'And that's exactly what this is, it's just a little roadblock. And no one could blame you for being stressed out right now, I mean everyone is feeling the heat to some degree with graduation coming up. I can only imagine how this has been on you," she sighed as she wrapped a comforting arm around slender shoulders. Beca sniffled and wiped away the few tears that had fallen as she stared down at her feet. She digested Chloe's words as she glanced up and stared at the whiteboard just to the side of where they were sitting. All their plans laid out in the redheads neat script.
"I just feel like, if I don't get my act together then I'll have failed, but not just myself but that will have failed the Bella's, and you," she mumbled as she lowered her head in shame. The last thing she ever wanted to do was let down Chloe and the girls. They had all worked so hard the last four years and Beca wanted more than anything, to end their time their on a high. Chloe frowned at the DJ's words and shook her head.
"No Beca, you have been the heart and soul of this group and...," Chloe huffed out a breath as she shook her head when the weight of her own words hit her. Beca gazed up at her with furrowed brows as she waited for her to continue, and then ocean blue eyes met denim. "I think we've been taking advantage of that and not appreciating the amount of work you do for this group. I mean the girls help me out with choreography here and there but we've always just sort of left you to work out our sound and setlist. And while you've been more than amazing, it hasn't exactly been fair on you. We're a team and their needs to be more of a team effort, in ALL aspects of preparations."
As Chloe finished speaking she pulled out her phone and sent of a group text to the other Bella's informing them that there would be a meeting that night after dinner and it was mandatory that all Bella's be there. With every thing going on, Beca was burned out and for the sake of her mental health, that needed to change. The DJ had been making fantastic strides the last few weeks and the redhead wouldn't stand for anything or anyone impeding on that. They were weeks away from facing into the rest of their lives and she wanted it to be on a high note. Pun intended.
"No Chloe we don't need to do that, I just need to take a breather and get some balance back and it'll be fine," Beca replied but one look at her girlfriend told her that she wasn't having any of it. Chloe shook her head, her lips in a tight line. "Nope, we're going ahead with the meeting," she said resolutely before reaching over and taking a hold of both of Beca's hands.
"The last time you tried to take on all the responsibility for everything, it fed into that black hole that almost consumed you and I won't sit back and let that happen again. You're more important to me than some stupid competition," Chloe said as she she reached up hand to tenderly stoke a pale cheek, caressing it lovingly. After a brief moment, Beca tipped her head in acknowledgement of her girlfriends words and puffed out a breath.
"Okay." With those words they exchanged brief little pecks on the lips before gathering up their stuff and walking out of the rehearsal hall hand in hand. It was in that moment, as they walked out into the sunshine, that Beca felt like another weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It was then that she realised, that through all the medication, all the counselling, her real life line had been, and always would be, Chloe. Just then she felt a nudge to her shoulder.
"Hey, love you awesome nerd," Chloe giggled as she wrapped her around Beca's, and Beca and chuckled, ducking her head bashfully as they continued their trek across the quad and headed towards home. Leaning up she pecked Chloe on the cheek and then bumped their shoulders.
"Love you more."
Hope you liked it. I know that the ending is a little abrupt but this chapter was in danger of getting far too long so I cut it off there. Which means I may do a follow up where Beca reveals what she been dealing with to the other Bella's and her road to recovery. But I dunno yet. It will depend on my mood.
I've always wanted to explain my experience with anti-depressants because they, for me, were both the worst part of my recovery, but also proved to be a great help in the end. I hope I explained things well and if anyone wants to discuss it more with me on a more personal level, please, feel free to PM me, I'd be happy to share my experience. Talking really is the only way to end the stigma.